Lost And Confused

futoku — Wed, 22 Nov 2006 07:24:32 GMT

Ahh, so... I'm James.. Or Stanley... Or Zenki... Agh, whatever you want to call me. I really...

Anyway.

So... For the past couple of weeks, I've been completely confused by my English teacher/ school advisor-counselor-whatever.

When I first met him, he seemed to like me. So I really opened up and told him EVERYTHING in my essays that were supposed to be about our opinions and stuff.

I'm a sort of confusing and alone person, so my writing doesn't always make sense... But anyway.

So he... Well...

He'd always try to talk to me. And I'd get scared and just smile and nod until he went away because I've never really talked to anyone in real life before for very long that I haven't known since kindergarten.

So he just sort of gave up talking to me. I didn't really mind that...

But I also draw these suicidal little dogs all over my papers. It's just a bad habit of mine. I've scribbled them on my papers since middle school.

And whenever he sees one, he looks REALLY irritated. Maybe just really concerned, but I think he looked more extremely angry than concerned.

So... On my final essay for a book we read, as soon as my friend handed him my essay, he picked it up really fast, flipped through it quickly, and glared at me.

I stared back, blankly.

He shrugged in frustration. I smiled. He frowned angrily. I stared blankly.

Then he finally snarled, really snotty, like a prep who's gotten her hair accidentally died blue instead of blonde, snarled,"No DOGS?"

I smiled. I stared blankly. I shrugged uncertainly.

What does he /want/?

He hates me no matter what I do. He didn't like me being quiet, he doesn't like me being honest, he hates my suicidal dogs, but he hates me not drawing suicidal dogs.

But... If I just look at him, or say anything to him...

He doesn't look angry, he just looks REALLY embarrassed. The first time I said "Goodbye" to him, he said "Bye..." WAYYY extremely quietly, and like... Blushed.

I don't know. I really don't know. At all. I'm confused more than ever before. Seriously.

I told myself at the beginning of the year that I'd try to not make him hate me. But. He hates me. Or, at least, that's what my friend Allysa thinks. But Rachael thinks that he doesn't hate me at all. I'm too afraid of him to ask him about it without a few more opinions or something first...

It... bothers me when my teachers don't like me. Especially if they're trying to /hide/ it. So.. Augh. Man. I don't know.

@__@; . . .

lost_hate — Fri, 09 Jun 2006 11:22:09 GMT

Spread your hate at:

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green_ferret — Sat, 14 Jan 2006 21:23:06 GMT

so. I just don't know what the fuck to do with myself and that's why I'm here.

also, I apologize for this, but x_lovex

thankyou, I'll post something better soon.

thanks to whoever read this crap of my void...no reason to live sometimes...

missmetaphore — Sat, 03 Dec 2005 16:11:02 GMT

Hell low...

I am not sure I can find any help but in me
But do we have to be so selfish and focuse on our pain and our way out of it?
Then If I take care of myself alone,will I anybody ?
why would I need someone?

I have found out lately that Love does not exist but like a damned I go on searching and hoping for it,secretly of course as I live with my boyfriend of 4 years.

Why am I not happy?
What is my greatest lack?
is it beyond understanding?am I searching for somethin higher,some utopia,some ideals,God?

I dont even know if I can still believe in God for all the pain I have to hide and bury everyday
just have to not to be ashamed of myself and the failure I am,the failure of my life.

I somewhat sound like a teen but it worst as I am in my late twenties...I have tried therapy but shrinks suck they just put you in some category and then they give you meds and whatever!

That's also why I try to save my self alone,but the nasty side of it is that I grow distant from humanity, I feel hatred increasing inside of me and frustrations too...and I look so pathetic that I end up hating everything & myself at the same time which is of course no use...as it won't help me move on

I dont have anything
I search for a job and I ve been unemployed for 2 years and it makes me feel so useless whereas I do know I 'm worth it and that I have a good education,diplomas and skills

But we really cannot be blind to the difficult situation for youngsters in this era.
It's hard to find a flat,hard to find a job,hard to find love,hard to move,hard not to feel so hopeless

I am fighting with all my strenght but I am so ALONE.
I only have my family,my parents I mean.

I got in this depressing mode once again tonight just because I've talked to my boyfriend about getting a baby!

Don't think I am crazy!
I just want to give sense to my existence and having a family of my own is my biggest dream in this life,it's the most important to me to be a mother and give love,take care and feel useful.

my boyfriend says " we make children because we are happy not to be happy"
such crap in my face!!!

How can I be happy????
I do all I can to have a life,a job,to make my couple more alive and to organize going outs whereas he doesn t do much and we don't have money to do that often:(

I can't wait to have a situation,I feel old.
I dont care about money,I just want Love !
It's not so selfish as on the contrary I want a baby to be my center of the world and stop worrying about fuss and being self-centered in my worries and lacks...
we all have lacks I should deal with that!

I dont have any one to talk here,no friends,I have trust issues and I am surely not easy to please

The more I think about it the less I think I'll have what I want from this life and it aches so bad I just can cry and then I feel so pitiable when some people just lost someone dear to them ...how can I complain about my pathetic empty existence?

I feel angry...
I really don't know what I can do,I just always hope I will receive a phonecall for a job soon,instead of rejections all the time
I hope Prince/Princess( dont care about genre)charming will come and save me?
I am so childish...

Will I ever grow up and stop dreaming?
Well maybe sometimes i feel like a true grown ups,bitter,sad,frustrated,aware that everything is useless and love is not enough or worse maybe love is just egocentrical and self-centered in the end...

I'll never be happy.

thesilentgirl — Sat, 15 Oct 2005 14:57:01 GMT

Hi everyone again!
- It's been a long time since I've written and asked for advice. Last time I was livejournal and recieved a bunch of replies was back beginning of August. I just want to thank everyone for taking time and writing their comment and advices for me. they truly helped! xoxox!

But there's another delimma. I'm not going to make one of the 'longest' post that someone has seen so im going to try and make it short as possible. I'm the girl that posted about being with her boyfriend for two years and got back together in the summer and he heard rumors that I slept around and cheated on him and he didnt believe me and said some hurtful things to me that I tried to commit suicide and ended up having to seek help. Well he just completely stopped talking to me and we havent spoken or seen each other in over 2 1/2 months. Well now he started to contact me, and tried to talk and now he wants to get back together and realized he made a mistake and NOW realizes that I was telling the truth and did not cheat on him. I mean he told me it was a mistake to love me and a mistake to get back together in the summer and now he tells me he realized what he had when he lost me and never wants to lose me. He tells me how much he loves me and needs me... but he hurt me so badly that I dont know what love is that i dont know about caring and I dont know what to do. I love him and still care for him just indifferent wants. He thinks we're back together but I want to be with him but there's something that's holding me back. I mean he LEFT me, he didnt TRUST me, he couldnt even TALK to me about it just falt out accused me of cheating and stopped talking and put me through shit. I dont know if I need time to myself or to try and slowly get back together... Im scared of getting hurt and for him to lie and I dont know what to do! I guess you can from coming back to school and starting a new life without him and meeting new people and trying to move on helped and I became adjusted to it and out of the blue right when im getting my life back on track he starts talking to me,and it's like I'm not used to this that I'm being all thrown off... and starting to get all depressed about it. I need as much help as possible please! I dont need this anymore in my life I just want to be HAPPY! I hope you guys can help!

Thanks Guys! Love you LJ!

Alex

thesilentgirl — Tue, 16 Aug 2005 13:33:40 GMT

I no longer know what to do. I've been with this guy for two years, dating pretty seriously. We met our senior year of high school things were going really well...Then we went off to College, separate colleges 3 hours apart from one another. We've been this strong dependency on each other where we would visit one another on the weekends. We loved each other so much but arguments started... The long distances were really hard. I felt depressed and would cut myself it was hard and at times I'd fly back home to be with family because I was so homesick. Anyway... we fought and fought over the stupidest things. I then transfered to the school where my boyfriend was. I did not go there because he was there.... I actually was accepted there 1st semester but didnt want to go to the same school because I felt that there would be wayy too much dependency but I transfered to get into this program that I wanted to study.

January when I first arrived things were a little cold towards one another had arguments here and there, but we had our good days. It just seems as though once we left home things started to fall apart. I mean dont get me wrong, the relationship we had was healthy. So febuary came around and things just got worse and worse and we became distant. He was upset that I was making more friends than him and I had only been there for one month. As a side note, 1st semester I did not go out at all to show that he can trust me you know... anyway so we started to do our own things. As Febuary came to an end we decided to take a break because the arguments just got worse and worse... So we hardly spoke it was really sad and upseting because he was my best friend.... I started to go and meet new people, try and make new friends it was hard because alot of the times I did not want to go out because he was always on my mind and I wanted to be with him. I guess by me not going out as much 1st smester I needed to get my energy out. He was ready to settle and I wasnt I mean dont get me wrong 18 years old I want to go out and have some fun first you know. He admitted later on he was controlling a bit but also on my part I wasnt thinking of his feelings in which I should have.

Anyway... So I had a bad experience in the past 2 years ago where ever since I've had big issues being alone with a guy. So I've always had this (i know im a dork but w.e) buddy system thing with a close friend that we'd stick together no matter what... so when a guy wanted to hang out I'd always ask to hangout as a group and I'd bring a few friends along, so what if I didnt get to know the guy one on one but at the same time, I felt more comfortable around people I knew and trusted. I kissed a guy at the end of the school year but it meant nothing at all.. I wasnt looking for a relationsihp and he commented that the kiss we had felt like his 5 year old cousin would kiss him goodbye... I was like uhhhhhh ok?!?!?! lol messed up but whatever it meant nothing. Through all this time it was hard because I kept thinking about my ex. There's a reason as well why he broke up with me. When I was at a kegger I was with friends and we were all just joking around and a friend and I for a silly reason gave the "peck" face but later on in the pic looking at it looks like we were kissing and I guess it was bad... and my boyfriend didnt know what to think and it was understandble... and he wouldnt want to talk to me... I mean my friend that was in the picture with me is gay.... so I dunno... anyway.... So summer arrived and we havent really spoken or seen each other... we lost touch or I guess you can say cut communicating for about a good month... and started to talk it was hard at first being 'just' friends but it was nice to see him than not seeing him at all.

Beginning of June, I had mentioned to him that I was sick from the pregnancy I had with him a year 1/2 ago... I dunno if it was out of pitty or because he really wanted to at first but started to hang out... later on I knew it's because he wanted to. Anyway, he held a get together where he drank ALOT with his friends and did his own thing, he thought that this get together would help me be a little happier and not to think much of the worst that could happen... so I got to see my friends and I was happy. Anyway so he got really really drunk pretty much close to alcohol poisining, everyone left to go to a party and I ended up staying at taking care of him. Yes, we were only friends and I didnt have to stay and I could have gone to the party with my friends but I loved him and still cared and I mean if I were in that position I knew he would do the same for me...so I made sure he was still breathing and he was alright. I would check up on him almost every 10 minutes... I didnt get much sleep but i was worried. The next morning he didnt remember anything so I had to tell him the entire story... since that night it was like we became closer as friends... still hard being 'just' friends but it was nice...

Later on, two weeks, I wrote him this note, because earlier in the summer he wanted to know how I felt and I didnt have the right words really so I told him I would let him know when I knew what I wanted to say... and I wrote him this letter with a card and it's like he rejected me, I was so upset and devistated but we started talking and ended up hanging out the rest of the night and we ended up sleeping together... and since then we started to fool around we didnt know what was going on, sort of confusing, it felt right at times and it felt wrong at times but we still loved each other and missed each other. We'd hangout everyday without the affection towards one another it was nice. As July came along I went to Canada for vacation for 2 weeks.... we tried to keep in touch as much but the long distance was hard because I had family things to deal with and he was working everyday. When I came back a couple days after I came back, we went out for dinner and a movie. We talked alot about our past relationship with one another and questioned how things would be. We truly opened up at dinner and at times I wanted to cry but I managed to hold it all in. Later on that evening as we were getting ready to see a movie, he asked me "why dont we give it another shot" and I was happy but surprised at the same time to hear him as that. I was not sure if I wanted to because we did argue alot in the past and was really hurt and I didnt want to get hurt again and he said that if it didnt work out we'd promise each other to remain best friends and still be there for each other.... so I said alright... it was weird to go back again to dating the holding hands and affection it was weird but took time to adapt to. So things were going well... we agreed that the relationship would only work if there was trust and communication so we started to communicate more. If something was wrrong we'd talk about it and we did. It's like we became closer in a way and I was somewhat starting to get happy or feel what happy was like. It was like a natural high...

Beginning of August his friend from school Mike, came down to visit him... and I dont really like the kid because I felt like he was a bad influence on my boyfriend but I didnt know him much so I gave it another chance to get to know him. So my bf had a last get together on a friday and alot of people showed up... we drank alot and caught up with friends it was nice... but my boyfriend didnt talk to me as much and I guess it was understandble bc there were guests but it bothered me because he'd have his hand around my friend and talked to her face pretty close... it was as though he were talking to her more than me... and I guess it was a form of jealousy but Im sure he wouldnt like it if I were like that to a guy that close to his face... anyway I got sick later on in the night and almost passed out outside.. he didnt care to see how I was and it hurt because earlier in the summer I was there for him.. and he got all upset.. an yway I tried to talk about it in the morning and he'd deny it but w.e he apologies so I was like hm ok he does care ok. Saturday night he went to his dad's house with his friend and mentioned to me that he wanted to hang out, so I invited him and his friend over and to ask other people to come but he told me they were too tired and wanted to stay at his dad's. Later on I find out they went out I just wish he was honest... We planned to go to the beach monday and tuesday so we tried to plan it out sunday night... on the phone he was cold and bitter... when I wasnt done talking he thought I was done and yelled out "BYE" and I asked if I could finish and he yelled "hurry the fuck up" and he's never like that he's always sweet and kind.. so I didnt knwo what was going on. He then avoided me for several days... I find out from a friend that my bf was avoiding me because "I slept around at school, and cheated on him" It hurt that people would say such a thing because I'm honestly not like that. I've NEVER EVER EVER cheated on him. I believe no person deserves that at all to be cheated on. and a cheater has no self dignity or respect for people. Yes I will agree that we've lied towards one another but I would never lie in a way that would hurt the relationship. I dont understand! Yes I did kiss a guy but that was when we broke up. I mean he kissed a girl in september when we were TOGETHER and told me in April... he asked me if I did anything with a guy and I should have flat out told him about kissing a guy but I didnt think it was that big... i still should have been open about it. I do remember when I came back from school I spoke to a few girls... and they thought I'd move on fast from him so I didnt want to seem like wuss or like a dependent freak on him so I made up crap that I moved on from him and got with all these guys... but I never thought that would get back to him... I mean one of my friends she even commented what a bad liar I was and knew by just looking at me that I loved my bf too much to do that... and it was silly and stupid for me to do but I just hate it when people make fun of me... and it didnt cross my mind and I should have told him but I didnt think it mattered. I mean he knows my past and he knows that I get uncomfortable around guys alone. I wouldnt be in a room alone with a guy I didnt know or a guys he didnt know like my guys friends from home I was fine because I really knew them... but he doesnt believe me.. and I dont blame him I mean people will believe the worst. If I cheated on him while we were together, why would I be around all the argument why would I stick around to try and fix it, why would i cry every night wanting to fix things with him? He yelled at me saying that he didnt hate me but I feel like he does. He told me I was a mistake everything was a mistake getting back together and loving me was a mistake.

It hurts sooo much to wake up everyday and know that everything was a mistake to him.... I mean god I should have been honest with my girlfriends... I just dont know what to do... I wrote him a letter explaining everything but he prob thinks that Im just lying and I dont know what to do... and this is where I'm asking for your advice... I never cheated on him. I did so much and went out of my way for him why would I cheat on someone I love that's what I dont get?!?!?! WHAT DO I DO!?!?! i feel like he's not going to talk to me anymore... and he hasnt. We go to the same university just live like 2 minutes away... we weont have internet or a phone right when we get there bc we will be living in a new house separate houses... do I give him his space not communicating and then stop by his place and tyr to talk to him? or let him come to me?! it's not even that i just really want to make him see that I am telling the truth... I feel like im in a movie where a crime as been committed and i'm on death row for it and I didnt even commit the crime you know... I've been crying everyday straight had no motivation on going out and became suicidal... i feel like I have nothing to live for... and i havent done anything stupid because I keep hoping the next day that he will realize the truth and speak to me.. but I dont even know if he read my email that i wrote to him or not.

I NEED YOUR HELP because im starting to become depressed and I've almost done stupid things that I'm getting sent away for help before school and I just need ur help on giving me advice on what to do. He's my life, my sanity! I used to cut and was depressed but he helped me stop and he taught me what love was and he was my best friend and it's like a huge part of me is missing... please help... - as many people as possible would be nice to hear just to see what you guys say I would truly appreciate it.... as you can see I am truly upset... and falling into a depression over something stupid I did... from now I im sticking to the truth and not making up stuff just to try and make myself feel better... and to be honest no matter how much people will make fun of me... it was a mistake and he's never going to believe me. I just hope that one day he realizes that I was telling the truth.... I pray.

x__________lost — Wed, 10 Aug 2005 03:11:11 GMT

would you trade everything you have for a chance of something you've always wanted? even if that meant you could never get it back again.

comments&friends>>gold

Hi

jesann — Thu, 21 Jul 2005 02:31:06 GMT

Hey everyone im not sure what to write this first time around, but i'm really happy that i found this place and hope to figure out whats wrong with me i just dont know what im doing any more.

Lookie my results....

mansonfr3ak666 — Fri, 08 Jul 2005 14:44:16 GMT

Take the quiz: "Which Marilyn Manson Single Are You?"

The Fight Song
You are The Fight Song from the Holy Wood (In the Shadow of the Valley of Death) album. You don't believe in god or any of that shit. You also like to piss off adults and parents. You're your own person, and you kick ass! Fight!

I pretend that i want you for what is on the inside but when i get inside i just want to get out...

mansonfr3ak666 — Fri, 08 Jul 2005 14:14:02 GMT

Well i had a pretty good day yesterday. Certainly was a step up from the past few weeks(At least the days away from my bf). But anywho We spent the day together and watched movies then decided to go to a music shop and look at guitars. He told me what kinds thier were and what they did and told me to start out with an acoustic guitar and that he would probably buy me one for Christmas! I told him i would choke him and we argued about it for an hour! lol was fun. Then my best friend came over and we indulged in kick ass music and discussion about our sweeties and our recent feelings. Was good also. Woke up and went to my babysitting job. Now i'm watching kids. Thier behaving though so that's really cool. I've been kinda down in the dirt lately but i'll get over it sooner or later. Well i dont have much to say *loves*

Don't know what to say....

moonshyn — Thu, 07 Jul 2005 01:19:44 GMT

Hello, I'm Wyndsong, 21 year old and completely lost in life. I'm not sure exactly what to put here in my first entry, but I will say I'm glad there is a place for me to go. I look forward to talking you guys, and hopefully getting a bit of help myself. If anyone is interested in a conversation, about anything, please feel free to get a hold of me

(MSN : wyndsong12@hotmail.com)

Hi

mansonfr3ak666 — Wed, 06 Jul 2005 16:23:16 GMT

My name is Chailee and i'm new to this community. I joined it hoping to meet new people that can understand the things i'm going through and are willing to work together and build strong friendships. I enjoy helping others with thier problems alot of the time but i suppose everyone needs help every once in awhile anyways i hope you'll accept me and i look forward to your comments and posts. Loves

silentcrysx33 — Sat, 11 Jun 2005 04:12:41 GMT

Hi my name is Stephanie and im new to this community. I was happy to see that there were a bunch of peopel who felt as lost as i do. I've been having problems with a bunch of my friends and what it all boils down to is that i care about each and every one of them, and about their feelings, but they dont give a shit about me. I get ditched by them alot and really dumb shit like that. It really hurts me, because i am very sensitive to being left out. infact, being alone is mmy worst fear. I think it has something to do with my dad leaving when i was really lil (although its been a few years...a few short years since him and my mom decided to get back together after I hadnt seen him for over 2/3 of my life) I dk its still surreal having him and i dont feel any closer with him than i did when he was gone so i dk. but i think thats had and effect on my and i am completely and utterly terrified of just having NO ONE. and then when im feeling badly, i go into these lil mini depressions where i cry, i dont eat, and i wallow in self pity. after i do it though, i always feel so gulty, because I feel like im overreacting . so many people have alot larger problems than i do, and that i am really lucky for everything i have...but i still cry for everything i dont have...someone who cares.

first_breath_11 — Fri, 25 Feb 2005 03:56:02 GMT

sometimes one of the most difficult things is not knowing to help a friend...i love you...

tattereddreamer — Sun, 07 Nov 2004 14:57:15 GMT

Join
tearsyoucry
tearsyoucry

♥♥♥

kill_hilary — Wed, 27 Oct 2004 16:32:46 GMT

fucccck. i was walking home from school today, wiht a shoelace wrapped around my left hands wrist, cuz i kinda cut it a buncha times. so i was eating with that hand, and planning to walk aroudn the block once more, to burn calories. so my mom opens teh door and goes, "*name* wehre are you going" so i go in and say "why are you wearing that" cuz shes wearing a wierd outfit adn point with my left hand, annd my shoelace had risen up. i mean it covered half the cuts, but not all. so she goes "wats that" and she grabs my wrist and i said "oh me and phoebe got in a scisor fight today and seh cut me" adn she goes (while my aunt walks in all surprised) "but theres a ton of them" and i go "i know wwe were fighting a lot and seh kept on, but i accidently cut her to. " and then i walk into the kitchen and try to act all cool, and since they are doing some clay thing i am talking about it, asking questions, then i walk upstairs.

but i dunno if my mom is gonna talk to me when my aunt leaves, or even tell my dad. i wrote a note on my door that says "i needed a nap. illc ome in when i wake up" and i locked the door. my music is on, so if i type they cant hear. im just afraid. coverup dosnt cover it. haha fuck. like ya think this makes ya sadder?

but what do i say when they confront me, unless by some miracle they dont?

i need to stop talking about me.

kill_hilary — Sat, 23 Oct 2004 13:35:58 GMT

last night put everything in perspective. i was supposed to go to this party. my best freinds, on eguy on egirl were "dating" and it was the night that would determine whether to make up or break up. and i realized, i have nothing to do with their realationship. i mean, i have fixed fights and dedicated a chunk of my life to it, but is it really my prroblem? out of everything ive probably made things worse. and i decided, i cannot go to that party. there is no point, and i am not dating either of them. i hate being a bitch to my parents and i kinda started cutting. not severe blood, i donteven think you can call it cutting. bbut i just make some cuts and it makes me a nicer person. so i was gonna go out iwth my dad have a good time, but my freind needed a ride. so i gave her one. and when we got to the party, all my freinds pulled me out of the car and my dad drove off. so i had to stay. and i have a lot of freinds and was tlkaign the whole night. every actually seemed to be having a rpoblem with me. they al thought i was mad at them, because i ahvent bbeen cheerful. my freind brittany told me i had changed and told my other freindshe thoguh i was high. i realize today, i cant let things bother me. they al add up.

ive come to the conclusion that im sticking to homework. if i get good grades, no matter how i look, i can get into a good college, get a good job, and get money for plastic surgery later in life. i need to stop obsessin over small things. i put on an amazing face last night. i was cheerful and talkative to eve rybody. in reality i cant stand it. but i can put on a face, cant i? so im doing all my makeup work that i havent done now today and all my due homework tomorw.

im trying to turn over a new leaf. im sick of getting D's and if im lucky C's.this has never happend before. my mom is really sick. shell probably kill herself soon. and i know i hate her, but i need a mom. i miss having one. so when she kills herself, i know ill always regret not having that mom feeling. fuck the fact she isnt a real mom and that she shoudl have had an abortion. i need to stop complaining and be all happy giglly and maye even nerdy and finish my hw. im just frustrated.

all i want is rain. jsut more rain.

im not happy, but as far as anyone knows, im gonna be a happy as kid.

</lj>

extrememoderate — Mon, 18 Oct 2004 09:56:57 GMT

I just wanted to let you all know about a great new community for lonely and depressed college students (or college aged students). They are lacking in membership so please check out the lonelycriers community. Thanks!

sliveredmirror — Sat, 16 Oct 2004 23:51:33 GMT

like me.

_blind_sight_ — Sun, 10 Oct 2004 19:19:28 GMT

one of my best friends moved away...again...and now i get a phone call from her mom saying she is in the hospital because of depression. I was on her call list and i could only call between certain hours. when i called she was already on the phone and the othere times i could have called i was workink. all i want to do is talk to her and know how she is doing. i miss her and it seems like i am never going to see her again. i know i will but in the back of my mind i know there is a chance i wont and that scares the shit out of me

kill_hilary — Fri, 01 Oct 2004 17:26:29 GMT

i know i just updated, but i thought that if any of yall got bored, you could read this. so here you go. im not even srue what to call it: i remember it all. no one else does. it was on the phone. i was driving home from stella's dad's birthday party. she was my best friend. until that night. the night when it all started. i've always wondered. if i just hadn't picked up the phone. if i had just gone up to my bedroom, and just gone to sleep. i wouldn't have heard it. my first actual pain. i had been to funerals. seen leonardo sink down into the atlantic ocean, holding on to her. holding on to everything. and i wanted to hold on too. i was sinking. sinking deeper and deeper, not knowing how deep i was getting myself. i, of course can never tell anyone. no one would listen. maybe i would still be best friends with stella. maybe i wouldn't be anemic and on the verge of anorexia. maybe i wouldn't be me. maybe i would be able to tell people how much i hurt. maybe i just wouldnt hurt. but thats just maybe. but i did pick up that phone. i did hear her tears. i did feel her pain. my stomach full of cake. i was gleaming. me and stella had put on a pop girls reunion. we had done makeovers and given eachother manicures and cooked with her brother. we had laughed the whole time. i even remember the cake. her sister, an amazing cake decorater, had made her father an indian cake, with an amazing sun. yellow frosting base, with some gorgeous orange and pink shades making up the sun. and surrounding it all were these silver edible beads. i was amazed and breath taken with this cake. and i told her. my mother. but she didn't care. she wouldn't care. no one cares. not really. i never really knew what suicide was. i didn't know my mom wasn't happy. but i did knew she was sick. but i was young and stupid. up until that night. my stupid night of silly partying. how that smile turned into tears instantly. how it hit me. i had cared too much about myself. it hit me in fifth grade. but fourth grade was when it all started. she devoted weeks to getting me an "A". we both looked horrible. we were distressed. i was eating away my troubles. thats how i got through. i was known as "smile girl". i always smiled at school. even when i cried. except for onece. once i broke out crying. that time, i didn't smile. we were walking back to school, after fitness. i remember i was partners with jordan karasik. we weren't allowed to talk. our whole class. we were all silent. britney shaw was in front of me. i remember her asking me what was wrong. no one else noticed. i told her i didn't nknow. i didn't. now i do. i found out when i was leaving school on the way home. i never wanted to leave school. home was my school. home was hell. that's why i cried. i just didn't want to leave. not after that night. the night where it all hit me. i would savor every moment. that moment where i got on the bus. no one really had problems. maybe click problems. simple as that. i remember things getting complicated. i was thinking more. i had to cover it all. i was broken. but no one knew. no one would ever know. i remember halloween. just before everything started. i was dorothy from wizard of oz. my mom put on a black haired wig and we sat outside, giving out candy. i think that was her happiest night in the past 5 years. she couldn't stop beaming. we really loved each other then. i was devoted. but after fourth grade i was drained. and we grew apart. i remember stopping our talks. i spent hours on the phone. but not to her. i don't know what i was thinking. i knew she was sick. i knew my dad didn't talk to her. but i didn't know everything. i was only 11 years old. i didn't know she cried. and until that night, i didn't know she wanted to die. i didn't know that my parents could die before i grew up. i didn't know that my dad had no idea how to show emotion. i didn't know how he couldn't care when she told me. i didn't know that a father could care so little after his child had just heard it. this daughter's mother wanted to die. and it did hit me. they could both die. anyone could die. and it hit me. it was my fault. my dad didn't help her. so it was my job. i became devoted. i stayed with her all night. i stayed up until she fell asleep and i'd fall asleep with her in my arms. i'd follow her to the bathroom and to the kitchen. i protected her. she called me an angel. but i grew weaker that summer. i lived off skittles and bread. i gave her therapy all day, every day. in the middle of the nights. i couldn't leave her to eat. i coudn't leave her at all. and in my efforts to keep her from dying, all i did was kill my self. i lost my spirit. i knew everything that summer. it was a reality check. most people don't find this kind of stuff out until college. but i will always know. i'll always be 30. i wont eat raw egg. i wont get angry for long. i was in prison. i didn't realize it. i used to be tan, but that summer i went pale. i had no life, and i got used to be broken hearted. i actually felt pain. my dad made appointments later and later. he wouldn't come home. i would have to do searches on suicide on the internet, because i couldn't betray her. and after everything i had done, she told me she didn't love me. she hit me a few times. she even called me a bitch. she'd lock herself in the bathroom. i remember those nights. they scared me. i still wont let her in the bathroom alone. i remember telling myself that she had killed herself. i remember every thought. i remember thinking how that was the night. i remember standing there. how i couldn't breathe. how i didn't want to breathe. i couldn't walk. i knocked on the door. my dad went down and said he had to go finish dinner. i had to cry. i cried in my heart. i learned how to cry without using tears. i went to go pray. i remember sitting there devoted to her. and then she just came right out. and how she cursed me out and hit me. i remember how i felt like she had stabbed me. it got worse when i cried. so now i can't cry. i remember how she had to go to the hospital that summer. how i had to stay there the entire time. how she looked in the hospital. how it all started. i remember the notes i found in her drawer. i remember finding her diary. every day how she had written how she wanted to die and how she hoped we would forgive her. i remember every drug she took. how when she was in that hospital i looked up her drugs. how it turned out to be her fault. how she messed up the doses. how, if she had stayed in the hospital for one more day, just one more day, how she would be fine now. how she just wouldn't. and how she was admitted back to the hospital later on. i remember sitting in my room. i was on the rocking chair. she was in my bed. staring straight ahead. i remember how she wouldn't look at me until i hadn't said anything for a long time. but i wouldn't look at her. i wouldn't say anything. even years later, i remember exactly what she said to me. how it made me feel like i hadn't done enough. no matter what i bought her. no matter how much i kept scarring myself, it all wasn't good enough. how nothing is ever good enough. "i don't care a bout anything right now. i don't care about you or daddy." and i asked her "you don't care about me?" she smiled. a wicked smile. " i only care about me. me and my pain. i would love to die right now. all i want to do is die. i just don't love you anymore. all i can think about is my pain." i don't remember what happend after that. i know i sat there and stared. how i flashed back, remembering things i had never remembered before. i saw her face. smiling. beaming above my crib. i was lauhging, back then. that made her happy. she was holding a black bunny. the one i was staring at as she told me she didn't love me. i remember how happy we were. and it was all my fault. if i had not grown up, she wouldn't have gotten sick. how if i could just freeze that moment, we would still be happy. me and her. we didn't care about much. now we do. and i still feel the pain. the stabbing splitting pain. when i see her. when i hear her voice. when i pick up that phone. when i see her cry. i cant stand to hug her. knowing what she's done. i remember how she used to tell me everything. she'd say " i want to die. i care about nothing. i just want to die. i want to be put out of my misery." i remember not knowing what to say. i remember how she would come back from the bathroom and throw me against her and make me hug her. how i couldn't. i'd pretend to. i would tell her i loved her and how shed get better soon. how whatever drug she was taking at that time was the charm. i remember how shed say "you have no idea what it's like to be sick". this would kill me. because she never realized what i had to go through. my dad didn't have much fatherly feelings in him. ever since his father died. i know he just couldn't take it. i know how much he hurt, and how he can't get too close to me. he can't help it. occasionally he would praise me, and say thank you for letting him not have to deal with it. he'd tell her how i was only little, and how i couldn't deal with it. how when i was older i would remember those summers. how i would not be able to forgive her. she would just curse him out. she thinks its his fault that we don't have a close realationship. i remember those days i'd get home late from school. shed scream and cry and tell me she knew that i hated her and i was just staying late at school so i wouldn't have to deal with her. she was gradually killing me. i remember her finding the cures to her problems. they were always her fault. and how much hate kept boiling and building up every time shed tell us. she'd do something different in her daily shedule and get better. it was always her fault. then shed screw it up again. i remember just this year. she didn't tell us, but she was overdosing in benedryl. she was going blind. i remember that night. she told me when i got home from school the next day to call my father. he was supposed to pick me up. she told me not to go into the house until they picked up the body. her body. she told me she wanted to get back at my father. and she didn't care about life and us. she just cared about her pain. again. she couldn't live with being blind and she had to kill herself before she went blind. she told me she didn't know how to kill herself without seeing. i tried to teach her. i knew she wasn't going blind. i wanted her to go to the hospital. i wanted her to live. i wanted another chance. she went to the hospital that night. i remember knowing that if they cound't fix it she told me she was going to cut herself. she told me in the car. i remember how awful she looked. how she was pale and couldn't walk. i remember doing my homework in that hospital. i remmeber lookign up at the ceiling mirror.i remember my ponytail. i remember how i always saw blurry, but how i coudln't do my homework cuz i couldnt stop tearing. that night that blur was unbearable.i remeber sobbing in the bathroom. i remember the essay i was doing for history. i remember using my paxil pen. i remember that was the night it ran out of ink. it was my favorite pen. i remember how that was going to be the night two things i love would die. but she didnt die. jsut my pen. we found out about her overdose. i remember how she laughed when she told me. i just walked out and cried in teh hall. i couldn't say anything. then i pretended i was fine. when i walked out of the hospital. when i walked out that night, i remember thinking. thinking everything would be fine. i remember telling myself i had to pretend. not matter what happened. when everything was not fine. but today is today, and my mom dosn't understand why i am so cold to her. why everything is not fine. she dosnt understand why i have so much resentment. it because i am not a regular kid. i know the facts. i know teh risks. i used to be the picture perfect definitoin of a carefree kid. now im afraid of everything. and i will never forget those nights. and i dread nights to come. she is still sick. and i still hurt.

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new member, my little story, etc.

kill_hilary — Fri, 01 Oct 2004 16:05:08 GMT

im not sure exactly what to do. but ive been all depressed but not been able to tell anyone, because i feel no one cares. ya know? like people can say they truly do, but they dont.but mmmk...so maybe for intersteing reading and what not, here ya go:

so right now i am 13, turning 14 in some amount of months..one i think. so ill start off from the begining.

i was born iwth a sick mother. my father always worked and has manymetnal disease. not something as severe as bi polar, and im blanking out on what he has, but some are ADD, OCD, and he has problems processing emotions. he also has siatica and practically everything is wrong with him physically, but thats not the point.

so when i was little i was taken care of by a defferent family, margarita and her 3 children. id go to their house every day, and shed drop me off at my house every night at 9, just in time to see my father, eat dinner with him, and have him put me to sleep. my mother was locked in her room for yars, until i was maybe 5..? teh only time id go in her room was when shed spend an hour doing her makeup/hair. and id watch tv. so eventually, at age 4, my mother staretd getting over her ebsteen barr virus and her IBS, and started getting jelous cuz i caleld amrgarita mommy and i didnt love my mother at all barely knowing who she was. so she fired margarita, and realized she didnt really have time for me, because seh liked to go shoping. so she hired a nany, who physically abused me, not severely. but slapped me pretty hard, wouldnt feed me, but said she did, and id be crammed in the trunkish part of those jeeps. while shed go out with freinds and id be left to sit there. so eventually the nany stole soemthing and was fired.we finally got one that i loved dearly named landy. but then we moved at 6years old, and the house was too big for landy, so she quit.

then i began having a nice life. i was afraid of most everyhting, because of all the frightening scary sotries my dad had told me when i was little, but i was doing okay. i was smart, and loved school. i was happy all the time, and though not many people liked me, i liked them. my strange personality somehow got me very popular. but in fourth grade we got a teacher taht was distrubed,a nd assigned tons of college level work. everyone failed, but me. my mother made me stay up all night working. i had no time to do anything but work and eat, which is when i gained 20 pounds. at the end of the year, my mom got severly sick a gain. and i lost wieght that summer.

my mother was taking reglin. pretty bad drug. causes suicidal thoughts, muscle weakness, panic atacks, depression, all this crap that she over looked. so during 5th grade, i was too happy to notice anything. but then, in May, i was driving home from a party. we had had soo much fun, i put on a singing performance, and i had a huge crush on this boy. and i was pretty too, i had a ffresh face. so i got a call in the car from my mother and seh said "*my name* woudl you mind if i went away for a while" and i said "of course not, wehre would you like to go" and she burst out crying" and i said 'where do you want to go" again.

so she said "away" and i realized everything that was going on. i asked ehr if she was going to kill herself and seh didnt answer. she told me that id have to take good care of her dog. i said that seh could take care of him good enough. i realized i hadnt spent time with my motehr, and felt it was my obligation to love her. so i spent that entire summer with her. in her bedroom. i lived off skittles and bread, i showerd once a week, sometimes two. becasue if i ever left seh woudl threaten to kill herself. and she had some trips to the hospital. sehd always be better, adn then screw it up by going off the medication, or trying out a new one, just for fun. sometimes shed hit me. hard, like a big punch slap. coupple times in a roow. shed call me a fucking bitch, tell me to fuck off, the works. but when my dad woudl get mad at her for hitting me, shed tell him that all parents did that. an occasional slap was no big deal. and maybe it wasnt. i still dont know. but i was always afraid. shed lock herself in the bathroom and wouldnt come out for hours. id sit there sobbing, preparing myself for her dead body. i knew she had everything to do it with, she wshowed me. drugs, gun, exacto knife, adn a gas tank. sometiems shed tell me the day before school that id come home and call my dad. cuz sehd be dead. so id fake sick adn woudlnt elave her. my dad was never there for any of this, so he has no idea. my mom currently ahs taken so much medication that has lost all her memory, so they dont understand me, and know or remember any of this. tehy think im a bitch, i bet. cuz im so mean to them. and i try so hard to be nice. which is part of what bothers me. i just cant be nice.

she always used to tell me "im goign to kill myself. i want to die. you mean nothing. i hate you and daddy. i dont care abotu you. all i care about is me and my pain" and id sit there. and block my tears. she would cry though. and i hated it. it got to the point wehre i started to get sick of it, all htose emotions. i coudlnt handle it. that was 6th grade. i hate crying, the whole aspect. it hink its stupid, and hate that ive been crying more. i hate hugs tooo, and as i go to an all girls school, its a probelm, cuz all they do is hug. i hated my mother, when shed grab be and hug me and expect em to hug her back.

and it was all over. 7th grade was nice. but she started getting sick again. and one night i lied to her adn said wed be out 3 hours instead of 4. so she caled and screamed at me and caleld me a fucking bitch and a liar. she said she never spent time wiht my father, though i didnt spen time with him at all. it was his fault. he worked al the time. but she was too stupid to realize that.\

my best freind, her father abuses her still. and her parnets are drug addicts. ehr motehr is having huge problems. she was at my house, and we lied. the lie got bigger, and her dad go tnagry, adn came to pick her up. before he got tehre, i went to turn off the phones.i didnt want my mother ocmign down. i came outside adn my freind was stranglign herself. i coudlnt get the leaf off her. it was one of those flexy barks. she started turnign purple, and i felt so helpless. i enetually got it off by biting her hands. her lack of air and the pain of biting got her off. now she dosnt want me having other freinds, tells me to fuck off, acts just like my mother. and im getting sick of it.

my othe rbest freind think sshe has huge probloems, when in reality she has THE perfect life, and i know this for a fact. and now my parents are being nice, as none of them reember this.

my mmother does this frequently know. though we found out because of ehr amnesia she thinks shes never done it before. shell tell me she liekd me better as a baby. because i ddint talk. the only reason she "loves' me is cuz i used to be her baby. she says she wishes id jsut become a baby agian. she says im mean, and ia bitch and cold hearted. she gives this whole big speech. my dad has only heard it twice. ive heard it a milion times. the second time he todl ehr i porbably hate my mother. he said that she shouldnt say such cold things. thats when we found out she lost her memory,and she found out what a bitch she truly was.

i want to run away more then ever. each time i get dropepd off at teh bus stop, im so tempted to run away. i coudl go anywhere. i love the cold and the night. i would love to walk around int eh day, sleep somwehre in the cold night. it woudl be heavenn. and im rich. its a fact, so moneys no probloem. i just could never stand the moemnt where i see my parents again. i could never say antyhing. theyd either get mad and scream at me, my mom woudl probably hit me, or try to hug me. i coudl stand niether of those situations. btu i know one day, running away will be woth it.

and i want attention. i want soemone to know i have problems. i want sympathy. btu as i said, no one truly cares. i dont truly care, not even to a point. becasue people are made to be selfish. i just wish i coudl find one person that cared.

and i have treid to cut. with a razor, a scissor. i did do it once, nbut not deep enough. it felt good, knowing i actually had a physcial problem, and i wasnt being sucha drama queen. but i cant open my skin anymore. i was soo close last night. one more snip and i woudl have. but i just cant stand the sound of that final clip. btu one day i will, with my music cranked high.

and i was anorexic this summer. i look back on it know, and i was 20 pounds underwieght, wasnt eating much, and eexcersising a lot. i wish i could throw up. ive stuck my finger down my through, kept it there, a thousand times. even with a tooth rbush, shoved it down. but i just wont throw up. but tehn one day my dad made me babysit, adn as i was abbysitting, a nutritionist came adn gavce me seesions. it pissed me off, but made me happy people actually caered. but then i started to get afraid my metabolism would slow down, so i got to 100 pounds, (im 5'2'') but ive just lost 5 pounds. im not sure if ive lsot more, but i havent been eating much. 900 calories is alot, and im usually at maybe 800 a day, with moderate excersise. ive been blakcing out more. completely blakcign out. feeling really light headed, not being able to concentrate. ive looked sknnier. and frailer. but i want to be anorexic. and cut. i want a physical problem.

because tellign someone would be like i was ocmplaing. and selfish. and i just cand do that.

betcha no one read this, btu at least its out on the internet n all. yay. that felt kinda good. so im done know. huuummmmm. thank you for you time if you read some and i hope you all get happy soon as well. bies.

--me

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New

holden_hands — Thu, 30 Sep 2004 15:08:34 GMT

I've been depressed for a while. I was recently told by this girl that she didn't want to date me. The major problem is that i have known her for two years and for about two months we have been really flirty and everything. She said she thought she had fallen in love with me and a week later she came back from a scolarship presentation in washington DC and told me that it was over. Ugh, i fell in love with her...and i still am about 2 months later.She likes another guy and we aren't friends anymore. That guy has a really bad reputation and im afraid she will be hurt but my opinion doesn't matter at all to her anymore. I still love her completely and i'm very confused and very depressed.

abellona — Wed, 29 Sep 2004 11:32:59 GMT

Hello, I am new to this community. I am constantly lost. I never know what I want to do with my life. School is so frusterating and I am attending a community college with the basic classes! I am 20 years old I should have some idea of what to do with my life, I have a part time job at a grocery store, but that can't be enough.

Off topic

blueyedgrl_1980 — Tue, 21 Sep 2004 21:48:33 GMT

"PLEASE read and pass on --

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