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January 22nd, 2022
 | 08:32 pm - Luna: final update
I think most everyone who reads this knows by now, but I find this journal a good record of my life, so I'll talk about it here, too.
( CW: pet death and griefCollapse )
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January 8th, 2022
| 11:54 am - Luna update: It's exhausting
Luna had a bad day yesterday. She refused all food, even treats, and I couldn't get her to take her medication even with pieces of hot dog, cheese, or peanut butter. For the first time in my life, I had to force a pill down a dog's throat. Also, in the evening, she was shivering on and off. She was not cold, or anxious. I think she was in some discomfort.
I was pretty much of the mind that if she didn't improve in the morning, I would be calling the mobile vet and saying goodbye.
She did improve this morning. She took her meds with no fuss (a piece of hot dog), and started accepting treats. She still wasn't eating any actual food first thing, but after a slow start and a brief trip to the local dog park, she did eat about half her meal at about 11am, which I will take. I haven't noticed her shivering at all, and she's back to wagging her tail and being a dork.
But good god damn do I sometimes wish that decline (and, conversely, healing) were fucking linear. These ups and downs are exhausting. She slept with us in the bed last night and just about every time I woke up (which was frequently), I would sit up, pet her, feel her breathing, and then slowly settle back down. When she got up around 3am and started gagging (a very brief but very common thing for her now) I think I was on my feet before I was even fully awake.
So. Yeah. I'm exhausted.
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December 30th, 2021
| 07:49 pm - Luna update
Luna is doing... okay. She's gained weight and her energy and disposition are good, although I can tell her stamina is nothing like it used to be.
She's also still gagging, and she occasionally has what I'm calling "breathing episodes," where she has some difficulty and her breathing is hitched. It almost sounds like she's about to throw up, but she doesn't. It's definitely a lung thing, not a stomach thing. It only lasts a minute or two, but it's a screaming reminder that she's not okay.
Still NO idea how long she's got left with us. A month? Six months? A year? Although hope is good, sometimes it's hard not knowing.
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December 22nd, 2021
 | 03:36 pm - Clawbits (Bah Humbug edition)
- I'm so done. I'm working today and tomorrow still, but I'm just so done. I've got stuff to do but no motivation to do it. Bleh.
- Probably related, I'm also just generally bummed out about... *gestures at everything*. Christmas has been pared down. A lot. I'm just not in the mood this year. I thought about baking cookies or making something nice for Christmas dinner, but... bah. Humbug. Not this year. Fuck it.
- I was supposed to go see Spider-Man: No Way Home yesterday. I've had tickets for weeks. The VIP theatre, so lots of room between seats and stuff, and we have the N95 masks. But on Monday I looked at the COVID numbers and realized I just wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy the movie. So I returned the tickets, got a refund, and am sad now.
- Luna's gained weight and is finally looking healthy. She's still gagging on occasion, and sometimes -- not always, but sometimes -- when she's resting, her breathing is... well... not laboured. But odd. There's a strange huff. So although she's looking healthy, I know she's not.
- My goodness but I'm just a bundle of cheer today, aren't I?
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December 14th, 2021
| 08:28 am - Luna update
Luna is actually doing super well right now. She's on prednisone, a steroid, and it's making her eat like a horse, which is great. She's actually gained weight these past two weeks, and she's feeling better. She got out a toy the other day to play with, which she hasn't done in ages.
I know it's not a cure, but anything that improves her life and maybe buys me a little more time with her is most welcome.
I'm doing okay, too. I don't know if it's that I've come to accept it, or just that I don't have the energy to sustain being an emotionally unstable hot mess long-term, but either way, I'm okay.
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November 28th, 2021
| 05:03 pm - Weekend Retreat
Background: my husband died in July 2002. I moved back in with my parents immediately after that. That November I did NaNoWriMo and wrote my first novel. It sucked, but it was mine. The following January, 2003, I decided to take this writing thing seriously and took a "how to write a novel" course at the local college. There, I met a couple of like-minded people who I really clicked with. Once the course was over, we decided to form a writer's critique group. We would meet every week or two, share our writing, and offer each other critique and encouragement.
One of us lived in Fergus. One in Cambridge. One in Guelph. And I was in KW.
We continued the group for about ten years. The roster of the group changed by a person here or there, but the core remained the same. Around 2011, I moved to Toronto, and everyone's lives got busy and complicated, and we kind of lost touch.
Then, two years ago, one of the core group reached out and asked if we were interested in starting up again. She'd hit on an idea for a series of novels she wanted to write, she was on draft 4 of the first book, and wanted the group back to help her polish it into a state worthy of shopping around to actual agents/publishers. And a bunch of us agreed. So we started meeting weekly on Zoom, we have a Google Drive folder we share our work in, and it's been working out super well. It's inspired me to start writing a new novel (a fantasy-romance-kinda-fanfic I've mentioned here before) and I've been loving having the group back together again.
When we first got together, the other two core members had young kids. Well, it's been twenty years, and they're now both new empty-nesters. The husband of one of them was on a business trip this weekend, and invited us all over into her big empty house with lots of spare bedrooms that haven't yet been converted into workout rooms or sewing rooms or whatever, and we all went.
There were four of us on the Friday night, one of our number had to leave on Saturday afternoon, but the last three of us stayed until Sunday morning.
And my god. It was like we'd never lost touch at all.
We basically ate and drank and talked all Friday evening, late into the wee hours. Saturday we actually did sit down for writing -- from about 9am to 1pm, at which point we stopped for lunch and workshopped what we'd written. Then we wrote again from about 3pm to 6pm. We had dinner and then just talked and ate and drank until the wee hours again.
Sunday we just had a quick breakfast and then headed out.
I almost didn't go, unwilling to leave Luna for a day and a half, but I'm so glad I did. It was exactly what I needed. I'd been monitoring Luna's weight and food intake and managing her health and vet visits and issues for weeks. It was so nice to get a break, to leave her with my mother where I knew she was happy and loved and taken good care of. It was nice to be able to sleep in and just BE for a while without worrying about her or measuring out her food or giving her medication or anything.
It was so nice to be able to relax, catch up with some old friends, and be in a space dedicated to writing, talking about writing, and reading each other's writing.
I picked Luna up from my mother's late this morning and watching her say goodbye to Luna was a bit much. She will likely see Luna again, it's not like she's on death's door right now or anything, but still. Ugh.
Came home, got my winter tires into the car from under the mudroom, and then had a shower. In the shower, I threw out my back. I'd never done that before. OH MY GOD. It took me about ten minutes to get from the bathroom to my bedroom (about maybe 25 feet?) and it was excruciatingly painful. I did have the wherewithal to take some ibuprofen before I left the bathroom, thankfully.
I was okay after another hour or so, and can walk without debilitating pain now, although my back is very twingey if I move in certain ways (which I am avoiding).
I am now sitting in front of a nice warm fire, dog at my feet. All's well that ends well, I guess.
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November 24th, 2021
| 04:48 pm - Luna update
Luna's gagging issue is being caused by a tumor in her lungs/chest wall pressing up against her sternum. They found it in x-rays this morning. There is little that can be done.
They've put her on prednisone just to treat her symptoms and help her feel better. If she's eating well in a week, we'll start with an oral chemo med, too, which they say she might respond well to.
Prognosis: on prednisone only, four to twelve weeks. If she responds well to the other med, she might have as long as six months.
So, best case scenario still sucks balls.
The x-rays they took a couple of weeks before her last surgery were clear and looked really good. This came on fast and ferocious, and is surprisingly aggressive.
I am a big, giant, weepy mess.
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November 16th, 2021
| 09:27 am - Weird
I have been sleeping poorly of late, and I don't know why. I can get to sleep no problem, but for about three or four nights now, I've been waking up between 3 and 4am and having a devil of a time getting back to sleep.
It is annoying.
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November 8th, 2021
October 20th, 2021
| 02:59 pm - I have been awful at posting
So a couple weeks ago, I took a week's vacation -- the week before Thanksgiving -- and went camping! It was just me, sitting out in the woods for five days, with a lake, a tent, a pile of books, and way too much food (seriously, I am still eating my own leftovers). It. Was. Amazing.
The weather was as perfect as you could ask for. Sunny, clear, 19-20C. I swam every day. I sat in the sun and read books. I didn't talk to people for DAYS, aside from the occasional "good morning" or "hello" to hikers tromping past to get to either the Cranberry Bog trail (about 3 hrs) or the Silver Peak trail (a full day).
Plus, as normal for that time of year, there were absolutely ZERO bugs. Not a single biting insect. There were a few small things, but nothing that was a pest.
I didn't see much wildlife -- no bears, raccoons, or foxes. Lots of red squirrels and chipmunks, though.
But I was absolutely recharged and refreshed when I came home. I did come home a titch early -- Thursday afternoon/evening rather than Friday morning as planned. I did that because everyone said we were going to have rain all day Friday, and I was happy to give up half a day of camping if I could pack everything up while it was still bone-dry, which is what I did. But then I still had the entire (long) weekend to unpack, do laundry, and relax before heading back to work.
It was my sister's 50th birthday (!!!), and as our birthdays are four days apart, we gathered at my mother's house for lunch on Sunday and did the whole birthday/Thanksgiving thing. Just me, If, my sisters, and my mother. It was a nice afternoon, and the food was amazing.
I had my weekly D&D game that evening, and Monday (my actual birthday) to just chill and do absoltuely nothing. T'was glorious.
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