The Heart Book

b3316 — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 10:22:26 GMT

hi. this would be my first diary entry. One thing you should know about me: my life sucks. I know its bad to say that, but it does. It really does. I do have friends, but they are all fake and I don't realllyy like them at all. Second, i love my family, but our life at home isn't wonderful iether. My brother is pretty mean, though i have to admit im not always nice to him, my dad half-moved to england, he got a job there and now hes only home in the weekends, i dont really mind that though at first i really missed him. Now my mom is gone a lot because of work and of course her social life. So then it all comes down to me and my brother, like I said that's not too good. That's all I would like to say for now. Im a newbie too all of this so be easy on me (if that even makes sense) ahaha. talk to you later.

xx B

Unsure

lucca_ace — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 08:30:27 GMT

So this post is pretty long, but I had to get it out of my head. I've never posted here before--never posted anything so personal before--but I needed to tell somebody and this seemed like a good place to do it.

Because I don't love him like I should and it makes me feel horrible.

It's 2:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I need to tell SOMEONE about what's in my head, but no one's awake right now (or, specifically, on facebook right now) that I can talk to. Which is part of the problem because I can't talk to him about this sort of stuff, even when he's awake.

But I'll get to that later.

It actually makes me feel like an ungrateful jerk to be having these thoughts and feelings, but I can't help it. My cousin was talking to me just last night (yesterday morning, around 2) about how he just wants a girlfriend. One of my good friends was talking to me the other day about how she just wanted a boyfriend.

And here I am, with Valentine's Day just around the corner, thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend.

In my defense (or further condemnation) it's not the first time I've had these thoughts. It's just that events tonight have made me think about it again and in the shower a little earlier I was contemplating (brooding) about this issue.

He wants to go to a pow wow on Saturday. Valentine's Day.

Before this I was actually really excited about the pow wow. It was going to be my parents, him, and me and we were going to go together and stay the night in a hotel together and do it all together. Then my parents decided that they couldn't go because money is tight. Which I completely understand. But he still wants to go and I kind of don't.

The thing is, my dad is the one who got me into pow wows. He's the one who helped me make my dress and who helped me get my shoes and other things. He's the one I would always ask when I was unsure about how I looked or if the belt was right. It's something I share with my dad--not my boyfriend.

He's also always calling my dad for help fixing cars. They talk about how to fix it and he will then work on it and get the car running. Sometimes when we're talking or facebook chatting all we talk about is cars and Indian stuff and it almost makes me want to scream.

I love my dad but I don't want to date him.

The sad thing is I always compare guys I meet (potential boyfriends) with my father. But the things I compare are not the things he fits. I don't really care if the guy can fix a car or likes to go to Native American dances. If I want those things I can always go to Daddy and he'll help me. I don't want a guy who has the same financial ideas as my father (bad ones; unrealistic ones). I have my mother's mind for money.

I want a guy who has my father's love for reading (for learning). I want a guy who takes nothing at face value; a guy who will spend time and energy researching to make sure that he has the facts right before passing judgment. I want a guy who is not afraid to love the Lord with all his being (who isn't afraid to say "this is what I believe")

I want a guy who I can talk to (tell my secrets to). I want a guy who, when I go off on some wild tangent about Melville or Shakespeare, will follow me and understand me. I want a guy who can tell stories that mean something.

He doesn't fit those criteria.

And, to compound things further, I don't feel like he is the man God wants me to be with. I don't think I could ever marry him. I love him, but no more (no differently) than I love my dear friends.

Am I selfish? Am I ungrateful? Probably.

He's given me so much. Anytime I needed or wanted something he always bought it for me without a thought. He's given me affection (hugs and kisses). I think he may love me more than I love him. It makes me feel guilty (trapped by gratitude).

And I hate it.

I feel like I should defend myself. I never asked for anything. He just gave them to me.

My brother is taking a break from his girlfriend right now. He wants to see if he's with her because of love or because of convenience. I don't have to ask myself that question. I know I don't love him like a girlfriend should love her boyfriend of nine months.

If we were to break up I wouldn't miss him.

But I'm afraid he would miss me. He always tells me he misses me and I always say it back, but I'm usually lying. Maybe he's pretending too. Maybe he feels just as uncertain about our relationship as I do.

We don't talk all the time like we used to. Sometimes it's only a couple of texts or a half-dozen instant messages. Some days not even that. I always figured it was just because I was (am, will always be) something of a recluse and easily tire of idle conversation. Now I sound narcissistic.

Sometimes I feel like he wants to break up with me more than I want to break up with him.

We kiss (peck each other on the lips) almost every time we see each other, but rarely anything more. We've made out a couple of times and once he even put his hand on my stomach under the hem of my shirt. But he hasn't kissed me more than a peck since then.

I really like his kisses, but that's not love. When I'm always asking for kisses and hinting at kisses and he obliges me it makes me feel kind of small and pathetic. He doesn't do it on purpose. He's really a sweet guy. I just feel cheap.

Other times I feel like a whore.

We've never come close to sex but the way that he gives me things makes me feel like I have to stay in the relationship to pay for them. But I've already said this. I guess it just bothers me.

Am I a bad person?

the broken girl needs advice

bandchick247 — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 19:13:33 GMT

i'm new to this community, but i really need some advice. my heart has made things complicated, as it usually does and now i am really confused as to whether to follow it, or my head...
heres the whole tradgic story:

the things he said to me were straight out of a movie. "i love the way your eyes bring out your freckles"..."this might sound unmasculine of me, but you really do make me nervous"..."theres something really beautiful about you that i can't describe"... i have never met anyone who sounded more sincere. it made me want to trust him. and i did. we talked every night. i remember one night we stayed up till 6am on the phone talking and laughing about everything. i felt so close to him, and i loved it.
i knew he had feelings for me, and i had feelings for him. but i didnt tell him when i had the chance because i was scared of making myself vulnerable. so another girl started giving him looks. she pursued him brazenly like i was afraid to, and told him that she had feelings for him. so now she's got him and its not the same between us. but i miss the nights that we stayed up till early in the morning talking and telling each other our secrets.
i can't pretend i don't care what he does. i can't pretend that it didnt mean anything to me...

it feels like hes bitter towards me because he thought that i didnt feel the same way he did, but i did! i really liked him, i was just scared of being vulnerable, so i waited. and i ended up with a broken heart anyways.
even tho i can tell that he doesnt pay me near as much attention because i didnt say how i felt, i still see him looking for me across a crowded room. when i talk to him in person, theres something in his eyes at the way he looks at me. it makes me wonder if he still has feelings for me, even tho hes with her.

anyways, i didnt realize how much i liked him until i saw him with her. until i lost him. should i take a huge leap of faith and tell him how i felt. how i still feel? what should i say?
or
should i just wait until he and this girl are no longer together? [they've been 'dating' for 1 week] even tho i dont know how long that could be, should i wait?

much love,
The ~~Heartbreak~~ Heartbroken Kid

</div>

clockheartgirl — Sun, 18 Mar 2007 21:03:44 GMT

I am surprised by my heart.

Thought that I really loved someone, even though he tells me that we will never be.

Have met someone else and I am starting to really like them despite clinging on to hope with the other guy. Surprisingly, I am very happy. My heart is doing good things...

online realationships.

lemony_meringue — Mon, 25 Dec 2006 02:30:23 GMT

online realationships....

adive is needed, and would be MUCH appreciated.

ps. i would have written down more, but i just wrote a good paragraph about my situation and it didnt post, so i had to write a new comment, so im just a little pissed.

marzipanfedoras — Mon, 02 Oct 2006 14:43:35 GMT

So I guess me kissing someone else would be proof that I'm moving on. But I haven't yet told anyone, so I feel as if I'm having some affair. Do I make any sense?

So Its Over

lordleo19 — Sun, 01 Oct 2006 18:58:02 GMT

So its offical over the one i loved she dumped me and now she wont even talk to me anymore cuz sadly i had to learn the hard way sometimes when you love someone letting go can be so fucking hard.AM still not in my right frame of mind am still a lil bit of a baskit case so i thought why not join a lj community and share my pain and hurt right.God does love ever not hurt and fuck with you ?

my heart is confused

dragonmasterkat — Mon, 04 Sep 2006 03:11:33 GMT

i dont know which way to turn, am i following my heart, my mind, i dont know which way to turn or where to go. i hate this feeling of helplessness

safesounds — Fri, 14 Jul 2006 20:24:24 GMT

I bet we would be perfect together. I cannot get that smile out of my head. Or the way you pause and take a deep breath when you talk about something serious.

To bad you live so far away.

5_gold_galleons — Mon, 19 Jun 2006 01:05:42 GMT

Can you tell your friends about a suicide attempt if they don't believe you're depressed?

a song, a song

tragicdiscovery — Wed, 14 Jun 2006 03:34:50 GMT

so, as i posted before my ex is now dating a 16 year old (they've been together since not-even a month after he and i broke up). since the last time i posted he and i hung out again. it was weird, as i suspected, but i went anyway. we were talking and he asked about my love life (which is non-existant right now because things have slowed). i told him i didn't have a boyfriend and he asked me why not. i told him my mom told me that you never stop loving the first person you loved. then he asked me if i still loved him. he knows i do, but i think he just wants me to say it out loud. i just said "what kind of question is that" and left it go. but this song... God, it just sums it all up...

"Goodbye My Lover" - James Blunt

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow

♥ D

marzipanfedoras — Tue, 30 May 2006 20:52:08 GMT

So I keep being really lame and hoping he will email me. This is becoming less and less of a one-night stand every second I think about it.

n00b.

tragicdiscovery — Tue, 30 May 2006 01:21:08 GMT

hi. i'm dee. just found this community. some backstory:

in february my (now ex)boyfriend and i broke up after over 4 1/2 years of an off again/on again relationship. it was "mutual" but it still hurt. it still hurts. we made love for the first time together and spent a lot of time together. now he's dating a 16 year old girl (he and i are 20) and i'm single. we tried being friends, but it didn't really work. it's been almost a month since we last spoke.

i'm (finally) interested in someone else. his name is erich. he's 23. i don't want to rush things with him and our friendship/eventual relationship?. i just know that i haven't felt this way about a boy since my ex-boyfriend and i really like erich. i hope things work out.

a little something...

I could love you again, but I don’t think I want to. - Circle of Friends

marzipanfedoras — Sun, 28 May 2006 19:50:56 GMT

Why do you have to live all the way acroos the world.

snowdawg3 — Thu, 25 May 2006 04:00:07 GMT

Well, about a week and half ago I broke up with Kristin, the creator of this community. I'd like her and everyone else to know that I don't regret a single thing about the year we spent together, and am grateful to have met her. I hope someday, when our emotions have cooled down a little, we become really good friends, like best best friends because although we both know we're not compatible in a relationship, the same isn't true for a friendship.

I think a part of me will always love her, and although it's sad to not be with her, I'm trying to see it as a positive thing. I miss her all the time, but the sadness I feel now is nothing compared to the happiness we had together. I'd never want to forget those times, and I know I never will.

My Heart Aches

septemberraven — Tue, 23 May 2006 22:39:07 GMT

Hello, everyone. I just joined this group a few moments ago. I thought that it looked really interesting...and therapuetic. Hopefully I'll be able to spill my heart's feelings into this community and get some advice, or at least not feel alone. Thanks for creating this group. I think its awesome. :)

Now, to introduce everyone to my situation I thought I'd post some lyrics from a Kelly Clarkson song. Yeah, I know, so "typical" of me to do so, right? Well, its kinda crazy, but this song descibes and explains EXACTLY what I am going through...

What you see's not what you get
With you there's just no measurement
No way to tell what's real from what isn't there
Your eyes they sparkle
That's all changed into lies that drop like acid rain
You washed away the best of me
You don't care

You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for
In this world
There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You're wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone

Sometimes shattered
Never open
Nothing matters
When you're broken
That was me whenever I was with you
Always ending
Always over
Back and forth, up and down like a rollercoaster
I am breaking
That habit
Today

You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for
In this world
There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You're wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone

There is nothing you can say
Sorry doesn't cut it, babe
Take the hint and walk away
'Cause I'm gone
Doesn't matter what you do
It's what you did that's hurting you
All I needed was the truth
Now I'm gone

What you see's not what you get
What you see's not what you get

You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for
In this world
There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You're wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone
I'm already gone
Oh, I'm already gone, gone, gone, gone
Already gone
I'm gone

what a waste

generic517 — Fri, 05 May 2006 00:09:20 GMT

it's so easy to hate someone you used to love just as easily.
ten months is a long time to love someone who neither respects you nor loves you back. and you still both call it "going out."
and then now, nearly four months after the end of it all, you are smitten with someone who's exactly like the first one and knowing yourself, you know this can only go one way: badly.

here we go again.

intrepid_icons — Sat, 22 Apr 2006 22:02:23 GMT

does platonic love exist?
part of me hopes, and the other believes.

but, in the end, it still doesn't feel right.

pjsarelife — Wed, 22 Mar 2006 22:58:12 GMT

because he surprises you by ringing your doorbell in the middle of the day and hands you a rose because its your three month anniversary

pithofqubsan74 — Mon, 13 Mar 2006 00:09:43 GMT

I've recently realized that love isn't the fairy tale feeling that sweeps you off your feet, or even a toned down version of that.

love is feeling someone else's pain and doing everything in your power to make it better. It is random acts of kindness and feeling empty at the bottom of your stomach when you can't see that person.

pieceofheaven.

___pathologist — Fri, 10 Mar 2006 02:45:41 GMT

Entangled in the shower curtain,
water dripping down my back
like..
blood seeping through the walls
of an apartment building's crime scene.
like..
sweat dripping down my back
after meeting my savior at the highest peak of heaven.
like..
worn out from being dangled from your didactic strings
as your pretty little puppet.
Here I am,
screaming to you the words you'll never hear
as this crimson covered blade slices through my flesh,
revealing my insides with the same kind of pleasure that
you give me when our bodies are entwined together in your bed.
My eyes are closing as the oxygen is running thin
and my skin turns as pale as the
snow white powder that you snort to get your high.
You're always high,
I feel so high.
You're the only high I'll ever need.

shabami — Sat, 25 Feb 2006 16:19:45 GMT

So I'm sitting here, trying to get some work done. You'd think that I'd have better things to do in New York than update the livejournal, but no. I am here to get something off my chest.
I love Ben Wu. Platonically, but it is still love. I know people say they love their friends all the time, but I really do feel a deep and strong love for him that I have felt for very few other friends. Sometimes we'd be talking about something even insignificant and I'd just look at him and for a moment get that warm love feeling of deep and personal connection. Perhaps it doesn't really show, but there are times we're together and I am reminded of how much I adore him. I'm close with him in a way that I have never been with a guy. He knows me so well and he's such a good friend. And despite all the love I have for him, I don't feel that it is romantic whatsoever.
Sometimes when I try to explain or clarify something he gets confused and has this really puzzled and absolutely priceless look on his face and he's quiet for a moment and scratches his head in confusion. A truly classic Benu moment. I love when he does that. Or when I know I am doing something wrong like procrastinate or skip class he sometimes asks me probing questions that sometimes offend me a little and he seems like a jerk for a moment but at the end of the day, I know it's only because he really cares for me. I love him for that. It's those little things that mean so much. I don't even feel it necessary to compare him with the rest of my friends; it's just different. I’ve wanted to tell him many times, but I don’t know if I will. I don’t see the point. I think he knows I love him, so perhaps I will leave it at that. So, heartbook, that is what is in my heart. I love Benu, and I always will.

xoxo
Yael

re___gurgitate — Tue, 14 Feb 2006 23:29:55 GMT

Well I don't really have asthma
But sometimes it feels like I need some extra help breathing
This time around, it looks like it's myself who's providing the help.
But that's okay because I know how to believe;
In only myself- when no one else does.
I know now how to depend now.
On the other hand, I didn't really think everything thing would ever shape up
But now I know they would.

I always hate Valentines day, but things have been shaping up. I wanted to be his Valentine, and he wanted to be mine. We both like eachother, and show that, and everyone knows, but we haven't eniciated that between the two of us. It is amazing how things reverse from horrible to beautiful. I walked to his school, and suprised him. I knew where he would be. Everyone was happy to see me, especially him. I pulled him aside and he wanted to know why I was there, and why I wasen't in school. I told him I got out early, and wanted to come and see him; to ask me if I could be his Valentine. He said yes. We hugged. He said now that you mention that, I have something for you too. He pulled out a hand made valentine and gave it to me. He said, will you be my Valentine? We both smiled. I said yes. We hugged again. He skipped a meeting, to be with me, I told him he was being rebellious because he's such diligent and he was turning into me. We sat at lunch together smiling, and talking. Holding hands. I'm not even disappointed I am taking things slow. I feel amazing about everything.

Have a very, very Happy Valentines Day!

It starts

deceitfully_urs — Sun, 12 Feb 2006 07:21:27 GMT

I'm not sure why I feel like this about him. Maybe it was because what I did was done out of my right mind. Maybe it's because he's more to me than sex. Maybe it's because now he'll see me as a cheap tramp he can run his mouth about. I feel ridiculous.

de_papel — Mon, 30 Jan 2006 02:50:21 GMT

I know I love him,
but sometimes at night, right before I slip into sleep, I realize I love him more than I think.