journalanon

00003

journalanon — Sat, 21 Mar 2020 17:12:15 GMT

I work in Information Technology (IT.)

I've had a fascination with computers my entire life, until I began working with them as a career, but, more on that later.

Does anybody remember Angelfire?

Angelfire was a free website hosting platform that allowed you to have a free website, provided you didn't mind having an ad, and could code it yourself (which I could.)

The first Journal of Anonymous was my site, on Angelfire, circa 1996.

When I began writing, I realized that in order to make this truly anonymous, I would need to change people's names. Therefore, this entry is the Cast of Characters, and will be updated as I need to.

Janice — A scientist friend who I have a crush on

Jay — My best male friend

Calix — My ex girlfriend, a long distance relationship with a married woman

We can start there.

__________________________________________________

I'm used to self-isolation. While at different times of my life I have lived with others, the last 15 years or so have been me, largely living alone.

I want a relationship. My entire life, its all I have wanted. My dream is to become married. Or....it was.

At the same time, I find relationships that have no possible way of working, like long distance, or in the case of my last one, with a woman who lived across the country and was fucking MARRIED. Most people don't do that.

In my defense, I legitimately thought Calix was going to get a divorce and we would be together. I made mention of it quite often, but I guess I just fooled myself into believing it would happen, and now legitimately question my own sanity.

I still don't understand exactly why I am so needy for this, and I don't understand why I put this blockade up, of trying to get an impossible relationship.

I haven't had sex in almost 2 years. I have a nightly relationship with my hand and porn. Forget sex, I miss TOUCHING someone. I miss getting kissed, getting hugged. Touch is incredible, and not having it sucks.

Enough for right now. Next entry: Change.

______

"Spoken Sideways and Indirect /Without a Single Word Left Unchecked
And By Your Own Admission / No One Is Ever Above Suspicion
Defenses Never to Be Let Down / The Lies Readily Abound,
Gaping Jaw Tightly Wound"

— "Desolation," Randy Blythe

00002

journalanon — Fri, 20 Mar 2020 20:40:09 GMT

There is so much. I don't know where to start.

My analytic brain says make a list. Things you need to address. Highlights.

1980 - Born with a tumor in spine. This tumor has caused me issues with my nerves and back for my entire life.

Dad is an alcoholic drug user, but he does work. Mom takes care of my brother and I.

1985 - Excelled at reading, writing and mathematics. Brought into gifted classes. Made fun of by schoolkids because of constant Dr visits. Interest in computers, even from this young age.

1986? Porn discovered. Sexual awakening occurs at an incredibly young age. Masturbation begins.

1994 - Car Accident that caused multiple injuries

1997 - Gave up college to take care of parents (who by this point had developed some serious health problems) / home

1998? First sexual experience is a "failure"

Relationships are already "detached" at this point, distance is always a factor

2000 - Took a career he really didn't want in order to make ends meet / gives up dreams

2005 - Moves into his own place, further isolation?

2008 - Move to California to take a job - walked away from everything I knew. Meet woman online. Begin long distance relationship with a married woman.

2009 - Death of Mother

2015 - Diagnosis of Cancer

2018 - Diagnosis of Bipolar after complete mental breakdown / 3 years of nerve pain / discovery of cannabis

2019 - End of 9 year long distance relationship.

2020 - Move to Chicago to take care of relative, diagnosed with lung, liver, and brain cancer

Fuck My Life.

00001

journalanon — Fri, 20 Mar 2020 19:21:05 GMT

Everything you read from here on out is true.

Every single word.

I have no reason to lie.

I went to great lengths to protect my identity as much as I could.

I'm never gonna say my name. Call me Guy.

I'm a fucking mess and I need to get this shit out of my head.

I'm bi-polar.

I'm depressed.

I'm on meds, but I'm about to lose my insurance.

I've had numerous, debilitating health problems my entire life, including cancer, and tumors. Because of this, I live in constant pain.

I'm recently off a 9 year long distance-relationship, with a married woman.

I'm into kink. There is a specific part of female anatomy that drives me wild.

I'm living with and taking care of someone who is currently dying of lung cancer which has spread fucking *everywhere.* A guy who never smoked in his life.

I suck my thumb.

I have OCD.

I have problems. Problems that most people don't have.

I have journaled for the better part of my life. I have them scattered across txt documents, across word documents, across wordpress sites, across sites coded in HTML that I, myself designed.

I have had reams of paper and books with locks with my words for as long as I can remember.

When I am hurting, it seems to help, and I'm hurting.

I try to journal every day. I do it for a while, then I stop, then I come back years later, and I feel like shit because I haven't done it in so long.

Its a long, fucked up cycle, and I hate it.

I have no idea how long I'm gonna be here for, but I'm gonna try forever.

I have lived in fear my entire life about being able to fully divulge myself for fear of being labeled a fucked up wacko.

Who sucks their thumb, or likes shaved female armpits?

I do. And I don't want your judgement.

I want to tell this story. I've been thinking of compiling a book. I still have all those documents, and could compose 10 volumes of shit already.

Any way I do it, I think its going to start to come out.

But the only way I can have this form of self therapy is if I'm able to do it fully, and completely, and for that reason, I need my anonymity.

This isn't a story for kids. That's the only warning I'm gonna give.

And while I may reveal things to you that you absolutely despise me for, I will repeat, just one more time:

"Everything you read from here on out is true. Every single word. I have no reason to lie."