woah lj still exists.
<3cooper
</3 homework does anyone know how to get in touch with kelly zutrau? since we're going to college together id wanna talk to her

oh hey. i still have a livejournal.

dear shelly,
that's bullshit and you know it is. considering the fact that i apparently lose every fight for everything iv ever cared about. and i didnt think this was so much to ask for. but i guess it is. senior year sucks.
from, shelly

dear shelly,
anything that's truly worth having is also worth fighting for. get over yourself. learn to not be sorry for taking up space. MOVE.
from, shelly

these past two days have been unbelievably beautiful.
they've also been insanely dramaful and stupid.
i dont want to get into it, but this just doesnt feel worth it. any of it.
and i cant even look forward to next year becase i dont trust myself to succeed at college. iv forgotten how it feels to know things teachers are talking about. i cant do homework anymore. im terrified that i wont be able to get into gear by the time school starts.
and that on top of this whole shitload of drama is pushing me past my breaking point.

amazing day thursday
<3cooper union

amazing day friday
<3 hippiefests/cutting school

amazing bieginning of day saturday and ending of day
<3 random track meets with mike and watching boys flip out about guitar hero


lots of calc hw today
buut
its so nice out :-D

hm.
lots of drama/bullshit going on that i dont really wanna post online. in any case, im glad its over, even if its maybe not the outcome i was going for.


cooper union cashed the check....im really going there! :-D im insane with happiness, and also driving myself crazy from nervousness. but for the moment, im really happy.

everything just seems to be ok right now. ok in a good way though...not the ok you tell people when you're upset and dont wanna tell them. a good ok.

so i was talking to michelle huber the other day and i found out that ill be going to college with kelly zutrau, and at first i was really excited. then i realized i havent talked to kelly since 2003. and we havent been close at all since 2002. and i guess i sort of forgot just how long its been since iv been at camp, or talking to camp people. i talked to michelle the other day. i instant messaged briefly with alice. why do i feel like i have to validate these friendships? why does it take so much effort to just pick up a phone when i know that i want to talk to them? iv lately not made any effort to see anyone-not even the people that i live near. im worried that im letting my relationships with everyone go. i need to stop that before college. like, now.
anyways.
thats it.

i thought id feel differently about this.
but im still ok.
not gonna lie, its probly just cuz im still floating from cooper union.
but either way, for my last summer home i should probly spend it right there...at home.
yeah i applied for jhc staff and didnt get it.
but from what iv heard...staff is gonna be amazing, and im hoping to come up and visit at some point...so good luck to everyone and have a really good session!

im in love in love in love with life starting september


life just got so much better



nyc is amazing

cooper union is amazing

everything is amazing


:D

really really happy.
i honestly thought i didnt care...and maybe i woudnt if id have gotten bumped...but im like...insane with happiness right now :D:D:D

RULES: Each player of this game starts off with 10 weird things/habits/little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 10 weird habits/things/little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you need to choose 10 people to be tagged and list their names. No tags back.

1) on sidewalks and things my left foot cant step on the cracks. only my right foot.

2) when i meet strangers that i know ill never meet again, i turn into a culpulsive liar. not like big things. just little storries that could actually happen. like once i fell and my eyes teared up and someone asked what was wrong and i told them i had been having a fight with my boyfriend, which turned into a 20 minutes discussion. i didnt even have a boyfriend at the time.

3) when i was little, instead of imaginary friends i had imaginary horses. i used to draw pictures of them and the stable that they lived in.

4) my greatest fear in life isn't death or pain or disease. its not getting in to college. id rather die with potential than live as a failure.

5) and yes, i know that some people do amazing things and dont go to college, but i wouldnt be able to.

6) i dont like plain sunchips. i like the different flavors, but the original ones bore me.

7) iv always wondered why cheese tastes so mcuh better when its string cheese. like the stringy kind. i tried biting in to a solid stick, and it was terrible. i peeled off a string and it was all of the sudden good.

8) those dorky pep talks actually do make me feel better even though i pretend to be totally cheesed out when i hear one. sometimes when im feeling down i take out my harry potter books and read the little speeches dumbledore gives harry because they make me feel better.

9) something else i do when i need to feel better is open my math textbook and do random problems. not like really hard ones, but complicated ones that take a while.

10) i cant drink out of an already opened water bottle thats sitting on the counter or something. even if i was the one who drank out of it first. it just flips me out.



umm...i tag jess, puja, shannon, colleen, colin, stephen, uhhhh...whoever else still reads lj and would like to fill it out

shelly can be brave.
shelly can be brave too.


yeah?

i dont actually have anythng to say.
iv been listening to a lot of ani lately.
it centers me, but it also makes me feel really unsettled.
where did the old me go?
i miss her.

hmm i left school at 11 to fill in for my mom at her job...except nobody's calling which makes this fairly boring.
since i skipped any kind of reflecting or anything on new year's eve...ill make up for it now.

i've gotten a lot more anal about school. not really school i guess, i just alwasy feel like i have to be the best at everything...and school is all that iv really been able to channel that into. i dont find any of that to be good. i think a lot of whats happened this year is just that iv tried to reinvent myself...and now i dont like who iv become. and i dont think other people do either.
iv just been really lonely lately. i guess its just...i surround myself all day with the same few people, so when they're unavailable, iv got no one. Maybe its just that last year at this time i had the track team and everyone in the play and everything else. as much as track was never something that i was excited about, now i dread going everyday. i miss the team when last year's seniors were on it. i know its not just me ans tha its not much of a team anymore, but i just feel like im not any of the gorups anymore. and the play hasnt started yet, and im not involved in the musical at all, whihc hasnt happened since seventh grade.
and i feel like im the only person in the whole world who hasnt gotten accepted to college. it doesnt help that i thought id have found out about binghamton by now and last night i found out that my transcipt is apparently MIA, so i guess i wont be hearing from them. i dunno. i feel like everybody's drifting, and iv always been the one who drifted not the one left behind. and i guess this feeling is why people didnt like me going to camp and having that whole separate life. now iv got nothing.

i want to go to college.
i know that by the time i actually go, ill miss everyone so much, and be less enthusiastic, but right now i just feel like im ready. when my mom lets me cut school to write down phone messages, you know that classes have never been less important.





oh, yeah, and i want to be smart again. iv never felt so fucking stupid in my entire life.

i officially own the prettiest dress in the entire world. its soooo pretty. and i know that prom isnt for 6 months...but its not like i was shopping for the dress it just kind of happened. ahhhh its soo pretty. i was wearing it around the house today and it was insanely fun. then i got changed and looked in the mirror and thought...oh..i look normal again...lame. but ahhhh im so excited :)
and everything else is pretty good college applications are basically done although im still considering GW and MIT, but really im done. hmm. that might be it. im a little nervous that even if i get in to college ill flunk out. but i cant worry about it yet.
oh, and its almost christmas which makes me really happy :-D

oh.
big crash from last night.
if only because it was so amazing and today so...isnt.
and.
eh.
im sick of the telephone. mostly because lots of people were supposed to give me directions to locust fields and no one has, and no one pciked up when i called.
and im broke.
yeah.
un-motivated to do anything to make this day better.
but then i think about how thanksgiving is tomorrow and i so dislike thanksgiving, so i want something good tonight to get me through.
and im getting that itchy rowesick feeling again, and i hate to say it but i just want to get over camp. im sick of holding on to something that doesnt give a shit about me.

yeah.

im practically crying form happiness right now.
is it melodramatic to say that america is saved?
oh fuck it, livejournal is supposed to be melodramatic.
WE WON!!!!!!!!!!



by the way-to those of you who feel that you should "get extra bolt locks while the lesbians and gays rampage through the streets" i wasnt aware that gays and lesbians were so hostile. or that the Democratic takeover of Congress would lead to a "reign of terror."


so shove it colin!

i feel like i should have realized that senior year isnt as easy as i thought it might be.

maybe i shouldnt have taken the classes that i took.
maybe i should have tried harder in tenth grade.
maybe i shouldnt regret stuff like that.
maybe i should figure out what colleges im applying to and actually apply.


yeah.

:-D :-) :-D