At this point, because of the recent confusions, I'm putting a quick update to explain.
  
Me and Micheal never got together. We never dated, we were never exclusive, nothing happened. I wouldn't get together with someone when I was still hurting over Kevin- although I realize that is what happened with Ty. That was a sad mistake, and I wish that I could fix it. I can't though. We still dance together, and are really close. He's currently dating a girl from our university and is completely over the moon about it. I couldn't be happier for them:) He deserves someone awesome, and he found her.
Personally I'm seeing a guy, and I have been for almost half a year. He's sweet and kind, and exactly what I need. There was a...large issue with Deric...which I'm not getting into.  What it comes down to is that  for  both  our sake, we aren't talking and he's moved across the country.

I'm not continuing this live journal.

I'm finished with it.

I'm passed this point in my life.

Good luck to everyone.

Kat

To Begin With;

I am not mad. I'm hurt, and slightly betrayed.
I will admit - I'm a bitch. I will admit - I've made mistakes. I will admit - I'm tempermental, frustratable, and scared.
I made this livejournal as a venting place. As somewhere that I could feel like I'm sharing what Im thinking while not having to be judged by the people I know. Apparently that didn't work out so well. I had asked a friend who came across it not to read it, as it was overstated, and held things I didn't really want to be public knowlege. She read it. I expected that. I don't really care.
But then she shared it with someone else.
If I have angered anyone with this post, I apologize. It was a vent and therefore a simplified version of my feelings. Trust me, it was never as simple as it seemed. Also, the timing of the events is easy to misinterpret, as I beleive has happened.
There are secrets in these posts that still hurt me. There are feelings in these posts that were and are very important to who I am.

If you have a problem with what you've read - ask me. You don't even have to do it in person. E-mail, whatever. I won't bring it up, and I will try to avoid making people uncomfortable with my presence. I'm sorry you didn't feel like you could confront me, but I can understand why you didn't.

    "Can I steal you for a minute now?" I asked him as he leaned back, the last of the cake on his plate having been recently swallowed. He nodded, pushing the chair back and attempting to stand. I grinned as he struggled around the other people crammed in the small gazebo like tent. As I slipped under the bottom hem of the tent I heard the zipper jerkily open and close.  As I matched his steps he pouted at me.   
    "Cheater."
    "Pft. So untrue." The dark wrapped around us as we walked towards the corner of the house. I watched as he ran ahead, bouncing as he did. Laughing, I crushed down the small flash of fear as I found myself standing alone in the dark, and jogged to catch up. I caught up as we rounded the corner, and grabbed his shoulders, steadying him.
    "This way babe," I laughed, pointing him towards my car. I pulled the key out of my pocked, unlocking the door and quickly slidding into the passenger seat. The door clicked shut as I pulled it in towards me.
    "Hey!" I heard the muted yell as he glared at me through the glass. He quickly climbed into the back seat, glaring.
    "Mosquitos!" I defended myself, winking.  He rolled his eyes.
    "Kay, so what am I doing?" he asked, as I reached for the book beside me. I held it out to him, passing a green sharpie as well.
    "You're signing Tom's goodbye present," I replied as he grapped it, following it into the back seat. I sat beside him as he flipped through the photo album.  My gaze slid to the window as he began to write in the inside cover, giving him the privacy I had given everyone else when I had brought them away from Tom's dinner party, to sign my gift.
    My brain slid thoughtlessly into autopilot, answering questions without really thinking. My thoughts drifted around in my head, unfocased, and unclear until his lips met mine.
    "I'm glad that you're around," he muttered as my lips brushed his neck. I could hear the fondness in his voice, erasing my slight reaction of feeling used. He never was very good at expressing things... I nodded, kissing him gently again.
    "I'm going to miss you," I whispered as I buried my head in his neck. He laughed, with a touch of awkwardness that only I would ever catch.
    "Well, try not to miss me too much," he replied jokingly. I smiled at him, as my heart twisted. If that wasn't a dismissal, I didnt know what was. I laughed in responce.
    "Oh, don't worry, I'll try not to." I climbed over the backseat from where we had been lying and slid the door open.
   
    As I untangled myself from the pile of bodies on the trampline I felt my hand slip into his. Soft lips brushed my fingers, once, twice. As Kevin tumbled out from the pile of blankets, I watched, yearning filling my chest; The darkness thankfully hiding my eyes. Why? Why is he so affectionate, but only under the cover of darkness and blankets? Why does he not stay in the place he chose for himself as my friend? Even as a 'friend with benefits' that isn't nessisary. I don't expect it, and he knows it.
    Why tease me with what I can't really have?
 
   

Dear Kevin

I can still feel you kisses on my lips, and I can still feel your teeth on my skin. I can still feel you hands holding me down.
I can still see the fire in your eyes as I tease you. I can still hear the gasps my tongue brings about.

Red welts cover my back. Bruises mar my legs, and arms, my back, and throat.

You said you wanted it rough. I can comply.

But please close your eyes. Please just close your eyes, because then I can't see the pity, or the caring that they reveil.
But no love...no...there is no love.

I couldn't bring myself to say it last night; But I love you. More then anything.

Kat

    Growling jokingly I poked his ribs hard. As he jerked away I yanked the blanket towards me, covering my icy feet.
    "Haha! I win!" I declared happily. He glared at me mockingly tickling my knee under the covers.
    "Kat. You are a jerk."
    "I know," I winked at him, grinning at the sour look on his face. "I'm a horrible, horrible person." I glanced at Micheal out of the corner of my eye as he watched us from his spot on the couch. I looked away before he noticed my glance. I can never decide if I regret telling him that I like him. Not because I don't, but because well...I'm really not sure how much I like him. I don't know if it's enough to start a relationship. He's a sweet guy, and he treats me so well, but maybe that isn't what I want, or what I need at this point.
    And lately I've been so up and down emotionally, that I can't really trust how I feel. It just isn't safe.
    My thoughts were interupted subtly as I felt Kevin's hand drifting up my leg. His hand had never left my knee, and now It seemed to be on a mission of it's own as he talked vibrantly to Crystal. I laughed with the rest of the group as my heart sped up. The gentle designs he drew lightly on my leg send shivers up my back.
    Almost of my own accord my hand slipped over his hip to his stomack, lightly tracing the bottom of his ribs. I glanced at his face for a moment, and found him distincly not looking at me.

    It seems that without my verbal concent, I've  been moved down to 'friends with benefits'. The sad thing is that I don't really mind at this point. I know that I'll probably get hurt - but right now I seem to be pretty settled into the idea that nothing will come out of it, and it's just cause he's horny.
    And it isn't like I'm complaining.

"Do you like me?" he asked, his brown eyes brooking no diversions. I looked down at the yellow bedspread, unable to look at him. There was a slight note of shaky hysterics in his question, and I could feel the crawling pain of guilt settling into my stomach. How many times had he been hurt by my? How many times had he continued to care, no matter who I ended up with, and what I did?

"I do like you..." The words sounded foriegn, coming from my mouth. This was Micheal. My dance partner. It didn't make any sense. He sat silently and I looked up. He blinked, shock radiating from his expression.

"Wow I...never thought I'd hear you say that actually. I mean like seven months ago I had resigned myself to the idea that you would never like me back and now..." I laughed slightly.

"I'm sorry about all that. I didn't handle it all that well then." He nodded, having heard the apology before.

"I know. I'm kind of glad it didn't happen then anyways. And just because your saying that, doesn't mean I'm assuming that now we're going to go out and everything will be perfect, or something." I smiled at him.

"I know you wouldn't. You know...if you had told me in grade eight that I would be having this conversation with you? I probably would have laughed. Or hit them." It was his turn to laugh. I could hear the nervousness still creaping into his voice.

"Yeah I know."

*sighs* Yes, readers, it's true, and I finally admitted it. I do like him - I have for a while. But I still don't know if I am looking for a relationship right now. I'm finally getting my life in order, and my head in line and I don't want to screw that up. I want to see who I am before I let someone else in, and right now...I don't know if I want to let ANYONE in.

I have never trusted men. But Micheal comes so close to being trustable that...

I'm scared.

Lately I have been unbeleiveable stressed out, and...well when it comes to romance, I really just don't want to think about it. So instead of posting a story (though I PROMISE, I'll get back to that soon) I figured I'd let you all know a little about myself ing EVIL FORWARD QUIZ style. ;)

Level 1
()I had an asthma attack
()Smoked A Cigarette
()Smoked A Cigar
()Smoked Weed
(x)Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
(x)Drank Alcohol
(x)Been In Love
(x)Been Dumped
()Been Fired
(x)Been In A Fist Fight
(x)Snuck Out Of A Parent's House
total so far: 6

Level 2
(x)Had Feelings For Someone Who Didn't Have Them Back
()Been Arrested
()made out wih a stranger
()Gone Out On A Blind Date
(x)Had A Crush On An Older Person
(x)Skipped School
( )Slept With A Co-worker
()Seen Someone / Something Die

total so far: 9

Level 3
(x)Been On A Plane
()Thrown Up From Drinking
(x)Eaten Sushi
(x)Been Snowboarding
()Met Someone BECAUSE Of Myspace
(x)Been Mosh Pitting
(x)Taken Pain Killers
(x) Love(d)or Lust(ed) Someone Who You Can't Have
(x)Been in a BAD relationship
total so far: 16

Level 4
(x) laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(x) Made A Snow Angel
(x) Had A Tea Party
(x) Flown A Kite
(x) Built A Sand Castle
(x) Gone Puddle Jumping
(x) Played Dress Up
(x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
(x)Gone Sledding
(x) Cheated While Playing A Game

total so far: 26

Level 5
(x)Been Lonely
(x)Fallen Asleep At Work / School
()Used A Fake / Someone Else's ID
(x)Watched The Sun Set/ sun rise
( )Felt An Earthquake
(x)Kissed A Snake
(x)Been Tickled
(x)Been Robbed / Vandalized
( )stolen something
(x)Been Misunderstood

total so far: 33

Level 6
(x)Pet A Deer
(x)Won A Contest
()Been Suspended
(x)had Detention
(x)Been In A Car/ Motorcycle Accident
(x)Had / Have Braces
(x)Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x)Had deja vu
(x)Danced in the moonlight
(x)Hated The Way You Look

total so far: 42

Level 7
(x)Witnessed A Crime
(x) Questioned Your Heart
(x) Been obsessed with post-it-notes
(x)Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
(x) Been Lost
() Been To The Opposite Side Of The World
(x)Swam In The Ocean
(x) Felt Like You Were Dying
(x) Cried Yourself To Sleep

total so far: 50

Level 8
(x) Played Cops And Robbers
(x) Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers
(x) Sang Karaoke
(x) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't
() made a prank phone call
(x) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
(x) Kissed In The Rain
(x) Written A Letter To Santa Clause
( )been kissed under mistletoe

total so far: 57

Level 9
(x) Watched The Sun Set With Someone You Care / Cared About
(x) Blown Bubbles
(x) Made A Bonfire On The Beach
( ) Crashed A Party
(x) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
(x) Gone Rollerskating / Blading
(x) Had A Wish Come True
( ) Been Humped By A Monkey
() Worn Pearls
(x) Jumped Off A Bridge

total so far: 64

Level 10
(x) Screamed "Penis" In Class
() Swam With Dolphins
(...x) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole / Freezer/Ice Cube
(FUCK NO!) Kissed A Fish
(x) Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes
(x) Sat On A Roof Top
(x) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
(x) Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed Up All Night

total so far: 72

Level 11
(x) Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(x) Climbed A Tree
(x) Had / Been In A Tree House
(x) Have been/Are scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone
(maybe)seen a ghost
(x) gone streaking
() Been to/Visited Someone At Jail
(x) Played Chicken
(x)been Pushed Into A Pool With All Your Clothes On

total so far: 79.5

Level 12
(x)Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger
(x ) Broken A Bone
(x) Been Easily Amused
(x) Caught A Fish
(x) Caught A Butterfly
(x) Laughed So Hard You Cried
(x) Cried So Hard You Laughed
(x) Mooned / Flashed Someone
(x) Had someone Moon / Flash You

total: 88.5

Level 13
(x) Cheated On A Test
(x) Forgotten Someone's Name
(x) Slept Naked
(x) French braided someones hair
(x) Gone Skinny dipping In A pool
( ) Been Kicked Out Of Your House.
(x) Rode A Roller Coaster
(x) Went Scuba-Diving / Snorkeling
(x) Had A Cavity

total: 96.5

Level 14
(x) Been Used
(x) Fell Going- Up The Stairs
(x) Licked A Cat
(x) Bitten Someone
(x) Licked Someone
(x) Been shot at with a paint ball/bee bee gun/watergun
() Had sex in a field/garden
(x) Slept in the same bed/couch with the opposite sex
() Flattened someone’s tires
(x) Drove in a car until the gas light came on
(x) Had five dollars or less and bought something

total: 105.5
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