| Shirts proclaiming Greatness are Rude. |
[18 Oct 2007|12:22am] |
You know I sat down with the intent to answer back a journal entry that was written to me. An open ended apology that was nothing more than excuses and more demands on an already strand and one sided friendship, but I am not going to do that. Why? Because I am tired, I am tired of reading this me me me I I I drivel. I am tired of selfishness, ridiculousness, of dealing with grown children, of holding a standard, but when that standard interferes with the way others behave being told that I should be lenient..I should have more understanding. See Hilario always told me I would be different from other people, because I perform more effectively than everyone else.. and by demanding that everyone else perform at my standards would eventually lead to my isolation. Now I believe that Hilario told me this, because it was easier to make me out to be some freak super creature than admit failings in himself. I am not perfect, super or more special than others.. what I am is observant and patient when it comes when I want to be. I have an almost disgust voyeurisic side. Which I think is why I love Serial killers, Stalkers, and Conspiracy Theories.
I will admit to being judgmental, but in the judgments I pass I gather facts. I don't take hearsay into account the way others do. I listen to how things are being said, what is being said, by whom, and formulate a hypothesis on why it's being said. I listen and watch, I collect and I deduce and when all is said and done I have the answers that are the most logical. Of course I am not always right, but very seldom am I wrong about people..
People are very easy, I learned long ago that you see the same person time and time again in your life they just wear a different face, name, or sometimes even walk of life, but ultimately the base personality is the same. So why then should you keep befriending this person..if you already know the outcome? Isn't that the defination of insanity? Perhaps..who can say.. but what I can say is holding standards for politeness, respect, honesty as I do have kept me await from a lot of the reoccurring hurts that others go through. The fact that I can recognize something fairly quickly has also helped cut down the bullshit.
It is not wrong, rude, or unrealistic for me to hold friends/loved ones at certain standards especially when those standards are throughly discussed as well as the ramifaction of not hold to those standards as I understand the standards and ramifcation of not holding to them of my friends. I am a just friend, I treat people exactly the way they treat me for exactly as long as they treat me that way and with that thought in mind the built in forgiveness/It's ok for me to be an asshole clause need not apply.
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| My Sister gave me that name... |
[09 Oct 2007|12:34am] |
Well I run to the rock
Please hide me I run to the rock
Please hide me I run to the rock
Please hide me lord
All on that day
Well the rock cried out
I cant hide you the rock cried out
I cant hide you the rock cried out
I aint gunna hide you god
All on that day
I walked through this hallway tonight it was cold and the lights above my head gave off this strange humming sound. Humming like old women on older porches in June in cities I would never make it in for no better reason than clean things ..good things..sweet things frighten me. I walk with my hands in my pockets, my arms close to my body. I used to say that it was to keep the cold out, but I think it's more to keep the cold in. I caught something moving out of the corner of my eye. Pretty girl with hair too many colors to be a concious decision, but rather a lack of decision. We passed each other.. it's common to do that here and I don't have anything to say anyway.
I get to the cafeteria... and I am instantly reminded of a poem I heard once. I steal a napkin as I passed by a table of Interns chatting away their performance punishments and I scribble the lines down and tack them to a message board and I don't look back. Well not directly.. I never really look at people directly anymore..
I buy a water and a banana from a woman who makes small talk, I stare at her lips trying to figure out what the fuck she's saying. Her english is perfect, but her language is foreign..I don't want to talk. I stopped talking a long time ago and think that's half my problem. I can't muster a smile, but I nod. I catch a glimpse of people reading what I wrote and as I slip out the door and head upstairs.
My sister, rocking her glam girl Sci-Fi Hair cut, leans against a wall rationalizing responsibilty to barnyard animals, I wonder if she feels as lumnious as she is. I turn a corner listening to my mother's coos to my father ...her sounds are guilty, because his wolf crying made it hard for her trust in him..and this time.. this time there really was a wolf.
He looks at me with those blue ring eyes, smaller than the superhero I remembered from my youth. They say I am just like him, and I scream that I am not...but it's moments like these that I imagine myself in that bed and wonder who I will call Rock.
What I wrote on that napkin
"I can tell by the mini thins and the way you drive
that we're both of us are taken by novelty. We both
believe in mean gods.
We both spend our money on things that break too easily
...ya know ..like people
and I can tell that you think you've had it rough
so especially you should know. It's what I do
I dream. I get high sometimes..and I am a roll
outta here one day, just might not get to drive."
-Buddy Wakefield
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[27 Sep 2007|01:24pm] |
It's been two weeks since I last updated, I took my father to his Cataract's appointment it went well and he was in a good mood. I've been sick recently.. my kidney hates me. At anyrate.. I have nothing of merit to report ...except I am trying to come up with a moniker/Website/Livejournal name.
I was looking back on the entries in this journal and it makes me want to scoop my own eyes out. However when I do make a new journal.. I am taking all of you with me!It won't be until November..but Whatever.
I love you all.. Yes all of you.
AwesomeAgent.. stop punching things..
Soopageek..congrats to you and Welfy.
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| Additionally |
[13 Sep 2007|01:19pm] |
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I just noticed that the post I made about my father's blue eyes was September 14 2005.
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[13 Sep 2007|01:15pm] |
Sometimes I feel like like my throat is closing in on itself. Muscles red, scarred, and used. Years of cigarette chain smoking for a bravado that will one day get me killed. I wear a ring on the fourth finger of a hand commonly thought to be a unclean as find myself all often clenching my hands into fists and I have to think...
"Is this real?"
I don't get ready in the bathroom anymore, I turn the rear mirror away from. I don't need to look back. I never liked it in the first place, but now more because I don't want to see myself anymore. I don't remember this face. I don't like to look not since I stared so long at myself that I smashed my head into the line of glass.
I forgot it was there. It looks so much better on that side... over there and I thought to myself if I just waited a few seconds longer.. maybe I could have past right through. I am from that generation that counts years by number of friends lost, uses landsmarks and bad times to give street directions, I am from that generation shut off their cell phones. The generation who forgets..
There are too many times when I can't remember how old I am. You don't believe me I know, but I have to do the math and even then I feel some how like the numbers don't add up.
I work a dead end job for a moron, I haven't finished college. I am genius no really I took the tests, I get invitations to join Mensa in my email.. there are always Mispellings in them, but I typo like a motherfucker, because brains work faster than hands and sometimes I wonder if my life is not just a case of that. My brain working faster than my hands and one day I am blink .. and I will have imagined this whole shit life. I could have be in the FBI.. couldn't past the psych test.
It's not normal to think about the things I think about which is why someone is going to write a blog over this and its just going to go away. I keep changing my name keeping changing the M.O...Stay Quiet and Keeping Moving.. because there's nothing left to do. I say things to people sometimes... they never want to hear them. Never.. They tell me I am mean ..I am cold hearted, but I am not telling them anything they don't already know. They just would rather lie to themselves. Sometimes when I talk my throat feels like it's tightening up and I can't breath.. and I think about the things I didn't say.. things I noticed...and never said. I noticed a year ago that blue in your eyes ... So yeah, Dad I'll drive you to Cataract Surgery
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| I love this song... |
[07 Sep 2007|08:58am] |
People think I'm being perverse on purpose... (x7)
But they don't know.
You tried to give me your heart
But her fingermarks
Were all over it.
I tried to look impressed
It was as futile a gesture
As a futile gesture, futile gesture gets.
Don't be a sycophant and don't try to hold my hand
If you don't plan to be around five minutes later,
Don't be a sycophant and don't try to hold my hand
And don't just say the things that you think I want to hear.
You were there to fill my time
It was dark (but you)
But you had nice eyes.
I wasn't too impressed
You hadn't told me anything
Anything amusing yet.
Don't be a sycophant and don't try to hold my hand
If you don't plan to be around five minutes later,
Don't be a sycophant and don't try to hold my hand
And don't just say the things that you think I want to hear.
It's hard enough getting someone to like you
And then you find out that they're nothing like you
And it's been a waste of time.
"Girls fantasise on school trips to galleries
Of men who don't meet their parents' expectations
Who want to introduce them to illicit Russ Meyer films,
And dance 'til dawn to old Kinks records.
These are the things you don't understand
Quarter to ten, you're wasting your time
If you want to know me, watch how I dance."
Don't be a sycophant and don't try to hold my hand
If you don't plan to be around five minutes later,
Don't be a sycophant and don't try to hold my hand
And don't just say the things that you think I want to hear.
It's hard enough getting someone to like you
And then you find out that they're nothing like you
And it's been a waste of time.
People think I'm being perverse on purpose... (x8)
But they don't know you... (x6)
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[24 Aug 2007|04:02pm] |
Somewhere in my desire to revamp all of my stuff I lost site of writing things about me. I make all this shit that looks pretty but I breaking my own cardinal rule.. of "No pretty pics without Content.." and I know what you're thinking .." There's no pretty pics on your livejournal" shut up I am working on it. I somehow ..somewhere stopped writing in here. I am mad because I lost the ability to vent my frustrations with the universe, because Jerry reads this,Eric reads this, and it's attached to liespace so any freak who clicks can...but why did I do that? Why did I give this out... so freely? Why is the idea of friend protecting my shit almost obscene to me? I don't know, but at anyrate I am going to stop doing this..
If you ...any of you ..anywhere read something in my journal you don't like... get over yourself. This is not written for you, It's written for me. And since I find people who do these types of proclamation revolting.
This has been by far the worse month of the year and if I was a person who believed in past lives I would think I'd done something horrific in August in a past life, because every year it's like this. I won't go into why..because I am hoping nothing else happens and court case maybe pending.
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[23 Aug 2007|12:45pm] |
I wish sometimes that people would stop pretending that don't hear me when I talk. When I tell them something is wrong.. or I am worried. I wish people who stop labelling me heartless because it's easier than thinking that all my ranting and raving is from having a heart in my chest and a brain in my head.
I wish I could stop wishing..because it does no good.
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| Stay Quiet |
[20 Aug 2007|09:57am] |
I haven't written much this month, I am tired and run down. I don't want to say anything I am just want to stay quiet. So many people are saying so many things and it seems so pointless.I have never been a fan of talk for talk's sake and now more than ever it seems like so many people are just doing it, because they can.
I keep thinking about that part in the Craft where the redhead witch said that she would wish herself deaf. I am not sure that's really what I want... but I do wish I had a magic remote that I could mute people.
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[08 Aug 2007|12:25am] |
All too often I find your tongue
huge and malformed
Is it hard to speak?
Is that that why you call it tongue in cheek?
Or is hatred suddenly Chic
I find no RHYME OR REASON to what you say
only the discolored simplicity
and shrouded in "Please Validated Me"
You said it.. and in a way
It's all SUBTEXT.. Undressed.. corseted in the waistline of that silver dress
twisted on the floors of people who
will tell you want to hear.
I maybe a Godless Jezzie, but
at least I made it clear..
You hide behind a screens
smoke and otherwise
Choked and desensitized
Regurgitating the easy lies
Clean, but clearly homogenized
and I have to ask myself
What I am doing so concerned.
I suppose that bullshit isn't born it's learned
But come on man, we've all been burned
You're generalizations are less than impressive
and I found you rather repressive
For someone so lay it on the lie
...
They have a words for you...
One's needy
What's the other?
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[06 Aug 2007|11:54am] |
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Today is one of those days that I don't even want to be alive. BLECK
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| Yes I still hate Myspace... |
[30 Jul 2007|03:09pm] |
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I finished my myspace layout and I am going to be doing a layout for my live journal soon. If you gotta myspace friend away.. but it's not a requirement!
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| shadow_n_shade v Visceraldoll |
[27 Jul 2007|04:17pm] |
The brawlingist Bitch around!?!?
| Visceraldoll challenges shadow_n_shade to prove their social status. | | | | | Visceraldoll's friends quickly overwhelm shadow_n_shade | SORRY GAME OVER
SHADOW_N_SHADE SCORED: 0/37 (0%) |
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| Just wondering? |
[26 Jul 2007|01:23pm] |
While flipping through my friend's profiles I noticed a couple of things.. my first questions is do you look at people's profiles?
Depends on the person
7(26.9%)
Yes All of my friends
6(23.1%)
Yes anyone I find interesting
10(38.5%)
Do you ever look at you're friend's friend lists for more friends? (whoa that was ultra friendy)
Only my good friends(Good meaning journal you read a lot)
9(40.9%)
Nope, Never! That's stalkery
2(9.1%)
Yes, but I do that to any journal I go through.
3(13.6%)
Does being taken off a buddylist bother you? (someone you don't know in Real Life)
Sometimes if I read/like their journals
16(69.6%)
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[23 Jul 2007|05:16pm] |
Note to self:
Conditional identity
Suicide Blonde
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| Funny Shit |
[18 Jul 2007|05:24pm] |
Rhyminreason: mike asked if we could take Lily by the shop so he could say good bye to her before he leaves for pomona
The FleshEndures: ...
The FleshEndures: and you are asking me so you didn't tell him to fuck himself like you should
Rhyminreason: I told him that IF my sister wants to do that for you I will, but it's a favor MY family would be doing for YOU and Lily cannot come inside and none of your fuckface friends can come outside
The FleshEndures: -grins-
The FleshEndures: are they regular fuckfaces
The FleshEndures: or are they fuck pal faces
Rhyminreason: metric fuckload of fuck pal facery
The FleshEndures: LOL
The FleshEndures: The Future Ex Mr. Fucktard
The FleshEndures: gives me tourettes
The FleshEndures: so I can't take you
The FleshEndures: however
The FleshEndures: You have license
The FleshEndures: I have key
The FleshEndures: You can have key
Rhyminreason: ahhh
Rhyminreason: I see
Rhyminreason: I'M A DRIVER
The FleshEndures: Yes you are
The FleshEndures: BEEP BEEP
Rhyminreason: woo hoo
The FleshEndures: you can tell him that his daughter was brought him by the Letter F For fuck face
Rhyminreason: lmfao
The FleshEndures: P for pussy ass bitch standing in his underwear on the cell by the door talking about" I know you're out there"
The FleshEndures: and the number 1 for one good ass man who loves me and bought me that car
Rhyminreason: stop i'm gonna pee
The FleshEndures: LOL
The FleshEndures: Well Hey sometimes a girl's gotta pee
Rhyminreason: i did
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| Because I am a fucking Jerk... |
[16 Jul 2007|10:10am] |
I was looking at the last poll I did and realized how fucking rude that was. I have a lot of gay friends on my journal and I did not include you at all. I invite you take both polls regardless of sexuality or gender.
Top three favorite body parts of the same sex (not including sexy bits)
Do you think being of your gender and sexuality is more difficult in every aspect (socially, mentally, emotionally, physically) than your if you were of the opposite gender?
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| Cause I am Eeee.ville.. |
[16 Jul 2007|09:58am] |
 barefoot_diva &  ravor_cut_heart gave me the idea for this poll. Blame them!
Top three favorite body parts of the opposite sex (not including sexy bits)
What's the most odd thing about another person that has attracted you?
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