Thoughts from 3 am: darkness and light

Posted on May 10, 2015 by fionaok

donteverunderestimate

Last night I endured another sleepless night, with painful, dark thoughts, racing around my head at the speed of light. Despite employing my CBT skills, they refused to obey my command; namely, to leave their cosy residence and allow me some peace of mind. Life has been tough for many months now. Or, perhaps I should say, for the past 4 years; yet there have been moments of pure undiluted happiness and several bitter-sweet memories. I’ve never been a confident person. Ever. Nevertheless, once again, I’ve decided to put words to paper, with the hope of bringing them to life and finding a little solace.

Feelings of guilt permeate every cell in my body; why am I such a burden to my family?? How could my life, which only a couple of years ago, held such promise, full of hopes and dreams, have turned out this way? This is the eternal question which almost drives me to the brink of despair, time and time again. The problem is, that I can’t yet ‘go public,’ with the issues which have torn my life apart and virtually destroyed my future.  I’ve no doubt this screams drama queen and many of you will view me as a pathetic attention-seeker, but I can assure you, disclosing these issues, would be foolish and potentially dangerous to my physical and mental well-being. Oh how I envy those people who can openly tell their story. Are they unafraid of repercussions, or are they simply oblivious to them? There’s something incredibly liberating about that. Therefore, my journey to closure and acceptance will begin with writing my feelings and thoughts as much as I can, ensuring I adhere to self-imposed rules of safety.

Sometimes I feel about as different to another human being, as humanly possible. I feel sad when I should be happy and happy when I should be sad. I make no sense – there is no rhyme or reason. There simply is. I constantly try to hide my emotions from all but my husband, after all, who’d want to come close to the real me? The one who cries when she feels rejected by friends, the one who feels alone in a crowd, and the one who’s lived half a century and still doesn’t know who she is – or is meant to be?

Am I foolish for wanting people to understand me? Every time I open up to people I’m close to, I wonder will they hate me? Will they think I’m pathetic to have lived through such events? Why wasn’t I stronger? Why did I allow such terrible things to happen to me?! Did I enable them in some way? Someone recently told me, they couldn’t have survived what I have. They would have ended their life. Now I don’t know about you, but this didn’t make me feel good at all. Perhaps their words were meant to provide me with encouragement and strength. It did the polar opposite. I was left reeling from these “innocent” words. Reflecting: is that what I need to do, to actually show the world how deep and agonising my pain is?!

Words are the most powerful tools we possess: use them wisely. Thankfully, I’m stronger today, but who knows what tomorrow may hold. Be compassionate and kind in all interactions with others. Remember: when someone opens their heart to you, they’re giving you the chance to, metaphorically, destroy, or heal them. Make that choice wisely, before you regret it.

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A Birthday: sadness, memories and hope

Posted on July 15, 2014 by fionaok

themostpainfulToday is hard. Not heartbreakingly hard, rather, the kind of sadness that permeates every core of your being and leaves you feeling devoid of hope. That kind. I once had hope; last Christmas I felt a glimmer of hope and joy about the future. Alas, it was not to be. Not yet anyway.

What’s triggered this new sadness and loss of hope, I hear you ask? Well, it’s my eldest son’s Birthday today and what should be a happy family time, is sadly just another day. When you’re unable to see your son – or more accurately, he doesn’t want you in his life, it’s a huge source of pain and distress. Sometimes, I feel nothing; at others, extreme pain, both physical and emotional and I mourn for the past: the happy memories of a much-loved baby, a boy, and teenager who adored his mother.

Lying awake at 3am awake each morning, I reflect on the choices I made, words I said and wonder where it all went so badly wrong. Nobody understands how I feel; it’s certainly unrealistic and futile to expect that anyone ever could. How do I begin to convey my inner-most feelings about this loss, when society dictates that I must be unnatural in some way? There’s an unspoken rule that you don’t discuss such issues with people. Even family members speak in hushed tones about it. And what does this do? It ensures the issue becomes even more hidden – my shameful secret.

So today, instead of assuming that all mothers and their adult children have good healthy, happy relationships, perhaps you could spare a thought for those less fortunate. Pity isn’t necessary, but a modicum of compassion and empathy will go a long way, in helping mothers such as myself, to stay strong, cope with their dark times and stop viewing themselves as a complete failure.

It might sound pretty silly, but I’d like to believe that, in some parallel universe, there’s a 29 year old young man who’d love to hear me say ‘Happy Birthday, I love you’, while I give him a massive hug. Hope is all I have and while there’s life, there’s always hope.

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Twitter: why I decided to take a break

Posted on December 14, 2013 by fionaok

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us” Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

I make no apologies: I love Twitter. There I said; it’s out in the open. My name is Fiona and I’m a Twitter addict, or at least I was, until last Saturday when I had a breakdown over Twittersphere. Consequently, I deactivated my account and as yet am undecided as to whether I will once again return to the world of Twitter. What follows will briefly explain my reasons for my departure.

I originally joined Twitter in 2009 following a great deal of persuasion from my eldest son. He asked 12 of his friends to follow me, I followed back and so my journey began. Despite my best efforts I had little in common with them and failed to see the attraction of Twitter. In total I probably tweeted about 6 times before leaving Twitter, although I did leave my account open. Oh it would be highly remiss of me to forget about my little crush on Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher; how I longed for them to reply to me. Nevertheless, my love for the celebs proved fruitless and I finally called it a day. I quite simply didn’t ‘get’ Twitter and failed to see the attraction and what all the inherent fuss was bout it!

For the next 3 years my account remained open, but unused. Until finally one day I woke up with the strong desire to reach out on Twitter once again. My curiosity was such that I needed to know what all the fuss was about.

The last 18 months have been a bit of a roller-coaster for me and it’s no exaggeration to say that becoming an active Twitter user has transformed my life. Briefly, I have come to know some genuinely wonderful people, whom I now consider friends. I have met several of my followers and now regard a few of them as friends for life. Their warmth compassion and genuine kindness was translated into their face-face interaction and I feel extremely fortunate that our paths crossed and we have become good friends.

Moreover, on several occasions when my mental health deteriorated and my depression and anxiety became so bad that I was once again plunged into a very dark place, my online friends were there for me when no one else was. Their support, encouragement and kindness can not be overstated. It truly was humbling to be on the receiving end of such compassion and kindness.

Now to broach the downside of Twitter; it’s true that once you put yourself out there publicly you can expect both positive and negative responses. However, there is ALWAYS a sensitive way to make your point. Perhaps care could be taken to ensure that feelings are not unduly hurt. Would that be too much to ask?!

Twitter isn’t always the nicest place in the world sometimes, and people will often say negative things. Following much reflection this last week, I’ve come to the realisation that it’s not an indictment of  Twitter, but an indictment of those people who are using it. I just need to take a step back and gain some much-needed perspective.

I’ve been badly hurt when someone I considered to be a friend unfollows me. However, having taken the time to process this I begin to realise that it doesn’t matter and I can let it go. Perhaps my tweets were no longer to their taste; either way, the people who remain in my life are the ones who matter!

Another pet hate of mine is subtweeting: the shortening of “subliminal tweet” which is directly referring to a particular person without mentioning their name or directly mentioning them and it basically indicates that the tweet in which the hashtag is used is a subliminal tweet. Basically, it’s talking about someone behind their back but sort of in their face on Twitter! If you’ve got a problem with my tweets, why not be the bigger person and come out and say it instead of behaving in this childish manner?! Imagine a world where this actually happened. No, I can’t either!

Finally, on to my reasons for deactivating my account on 7th December. Without disclosing any details, (yes I’m ultra-discreet and will NEVER break a confidence) I was extremely hurt by the actions of someone I had grown to care a great deal about. Despite knowing this person for just a short time on Twitter, we quickly became good friends (or so I thought!). Sadly the friendship ended abruptly without proper explanation and an unwillingness to engage in conversation and listen to the facts.

Anyone who knows me at all, believes that I would NEVER hurt anyone. If I ever unintentionally hurt someone, then it should be permissible to have the chance to put the facts forward and if necessary, the opportunity to make amends. Will I return to Twitter? Yes, without a doubt, because in my opinion the positives far outweigh the negative. However, I will certainly be exercising greater caution in future in my online interactions. I miss my friends and can’t wait to talk to them again; their love and continuing support has been a major positive in my life.

If you start to miss me, remember I didn’t walk away: you let me go. (Unknown).

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Depression is a common mental disorder, characterized by sadness, loss of interest or pleasure, feelings of guilt or low self-worth, disturbed sleep or appetite, feelings of tiredness, and poor concentration. Depression can be long-lasting or recurrent, substantially impairing an individual’s ability to function at work or school or cope with daily life. At its most severe, depression can lead to suicide. (World Health Organisation, 2012).

Sometimes I feel sad. Well actually most of the time, but the hardest part is having to conceal my feelings from those nearest to me. What hurts most in relation to my mental health issues, isn’t necessarily the condition itself, rather, the stigma associated with it. The feelings of guilt I carry, are an additional burden when I already feel life is close to intolerable. The mask I continually wear when I say that everything’s fine and I need to show a happy face to the public, is rapidly becoming something I can no manage or find acceptable to do.

Oh and the people who say in their mimicking voices “what have you got to be depressed about?” makes me sick to my inner core. How dare they judge me! They don’t have clue about the turmoil I experience on a daily basis, the struggle to maintain a calm persona and ensure I don’t fall apart.

The fact that I am married with a home,  in employment and have 2 adult children, does not mean I’m immune to experiencing depression. I would very much welcome a media campaign that focuses on explaining this to the general public.  I strongly believe that until the topic of depression and other mental health issues are spoken about in the same manner as physical health conditions,  eg. the flu, diabetes, back problems, then stigma, discrimination and associated issues will remain prevalent.

Depression is an illness: a  chemical imbalance of the brain. Perhaps it would be helpful if those who claim to care, would at least try to understand that no one would ever choose to feel this way and if I could just be happy, don’t you think I would?!

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Posted on December 10, 2013 by fionaok | 3 Comments

I’m heartbroken but I dare not tell you why

Posted on August 31, 2013 by fionaok

I’m heartbroken but I dare not tell you why

The sense of guilt and shame I feel will likely

Be misunderstood.

Where once I held you in my arms

Now I’m faced with harsh rejection

Sadly, simply to care for you is considered too much.

I’m heartbroken but I dare not tell you why,

This pain I feel cuts to my very core and is

the sharpest I’ve endured. Why can’t I rip my

heart asunder? And replace it with yours?

 You plunged a dagger in my heart and you didn’t even care

Now, my every waking moment’s filled with sadness and despair

You put a dagger in my heart when you reject and scorn me

The very essence of my Being is now called into question

Who am I?  What was the point of my existence?

This dagger in my heart penetrates deeper each day

Until I’m devoid of feeling and numbness permeates

Every pore and cell of my Being, Finally: Nothingness.

This dagger is composed of a million tears which I have shed

Tears from a Past where joy once lived to a Present

of being misunderstood

And a Future where fear and loneliness

Will be my only companions.

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