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What is rape?

This entry is going to discuss how rape is defined, and what it looks like. My previous warnings stand on this topic, just the same as they do on every entry I post. This topic may be triggering, so please proceed with caution, especially if you have been abused, raped, sexually assaulted, or otherwise traumatized. If you find yourself unable to handle reading this article, please stop, and do something else. Your safety is of utmost importance to me, and if that means you don’t read what I have written, I am alright with that.

According to the RAINN website, rape is defined as “forced sexual intercourse, including vaginal, anal, or oral penetration. Penetration may be by a body part or an object.” Force, in the case of rape, is defined as violence, threats of violence, coercion, violence, or if the victim is unable to provide consent (unconscious, drugged, disabled, injured, or otherwise unable to clearly indicate consent).

That definition is rather broad. Hopefully I can help clear up some of the ambiguity that it leaves. Rape can occur under many different conditions or in many situations. There is partner rape, which is what it sounds like – where you are in a relationship (dating or marriage) and your partner rapes you. There is statutory rape, where the victim is below the age of consent as defined by local law. There is acquaintance rape, where the victim and rapist know one another but are not dating. And, there is stranger rape, where the rapist is a stranger to the victim. All of these are considered rape, and all of them are crimes. None of them are the victim’s fault. Period. Ever.

Before I continue, I want to emphasize something VERY important. It does NOT matter where you were, or where you were not. It does NOT matter what you were or were not wearing. It does NOT matter what you had or did not have to eat or drink or smoke or shoot up. It does NOT matter how your body reacted. Rape is rape is rape, and it is ALWAYS the rapist’s fault! Please don’t blame yourself. There is NO victim who has EVER “asked” to be raped. There is NO victim who “deserved” to be raped. And rape is NOT about the sex. It is about power, control, and intimidation.

I have been raped more times than I will ever be able to count. And not all of them were the same. (All of these names have been changed, and can be read about in greater detail in My Story.) There was Alex, who I didn’t even realize had raped me. I’d always thought it was sexual assault. But as I got more involved in doing what I’m doing with outreach work in the areas of abuse, rape, and sexual assault, I realized it was actually rape, since he penetrated my vagina with his finger. Then there was Phil, who I’d been in love with for almost three years, & who I’d dated off & on that whole time. He raped me in my sleep one night while I was staying the night at his place. (Which I had tried to get out of, but couldn’t come up with a reason he didn’t have an answer for.) And then there was Ben, who raped me more times than I’ll ever be able to count. He raped me in my sleep, frequently after I’d told him “No,” already. He would insist on sex immediately after fighting, with no apology or making up of any kind. If I refused, he would simply wait until I was asleep, & take it from me then.

All of those count as rape. None of them were wanted. And none of them were my fault. Also, none of them were reported. Rape is a highly under reported crime, which makes the statistics hard to compile. I chose not to report because I was ashamed, and because there was no proof other than my word. It doesn’t help that my own mother told me I deserved what had happened with Alex because she felt I’d broken the rules. It took me many years to realize that she was wrong, that it was not my fault.

I’ve said it before about abuse, & I will say it now, about rape. It is not just men hurting women. Men can be raped, too. Women can commit rape. No one is immune from being raped, unfortunately. And absolutely NO ONE deserves to be blamed for their rape.

I hope this has helped answer what rape is, and what it may look like. If you would like to learn more about rape, please click the link above to the RAINN site where there are many resources available. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call your local authorities or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233). If you are not in immediate danger, but need someone to talk with or help finding your local resources, please contact me either on my Facebook page Hit Me No More or at my e-mail HitMeNoMore@gmail.com – Amanda

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What is sexual assault?

I apologize to all of you for my sporadic and lack of posting lately, I have been dealing with some things in my personal life, and was not able to handle writing any articles. However, things are settling down some, and I am feeling more capable of putting in the time & effort that this topic deserves. Thank you for your patience and understanding in this matter.

This entry is going to discuss how sexual assault is defined, and what it looks like. My previous warnings stand on this topic, just the same as they do on every entry I post. This topic may be triggering, so please proceed with caution, especially if you have been abused, raped, sexually assaulted, or otherwise traumatized. If you find yourself unable to handle reading this article, please stop, and do something else. Your safety is of utmost importance to me, and if that means you don’t read what I have written, I am alright with that.

According to Wikipedia, “The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network defines sexual assault as “unwanted sexual contact that stops short of rape or attempted rape. This includes sexual touching and fondling.”” Depending on where you live, the law may define things a bit (or dramatically) differently, but for the sake of convenience, this is the definition I am going to work with for the remainder of this entry.

There are some behaviors whose definitions can overlap with sexual assault. For example, sexual harassment can be separate, but there are some forms of sexual harassment that are also sexual assault, such as pressing or rubbing against a person, unwanted grabbing, or  pressing or rubbing against a person. The term “groping” is used to define the touching or fondling of another person in a sexual way (including through clothing), using the hands, without that other person’s consent. If these behaviors occur in the work environment, they are not only sexual assault, but also sexual harassment, and need to be reported, immediately. Another example of an overlap of definitions is with domestic violence. It IS possible to be sexually assaulted by your partner, whether you are dating, married, committed, or casually dating. And it is always wrong. It is NEVER ‘asked for’ or ‘deserved’ no matter the circumstances under which it occurred.

What does sexual assault look like in the real world? At work, it could look like a coworker who doesn’t keep their hands to themselves. On a date, it could look like a companion who is becoming overly familiar with your body. On the street, it could look like a stranger grabbing your butt as you walk by. All of these constitute sexual assault, and none of them should be tolerated. The action you take depends, of course, on the situation in which the contact occurs. You can attempt to address the behavior with the person, though that may not be successful. At work, you have the option of reporting it to their superiors. On a date, you can put some distance between the two of you while expressing plainly what the problem is, or you can refuse to see them any more. On the street, your best option is usually to put distance between the two of you.

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call your local authorities or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233). If you are not in immediate danger, but need someone to talk with or help finding your local resources, please contact me either on my Facebook page Hit Me No More or at my e-mail HitMeNoMore@gmail.com

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What is spiritual abuse?

Continuing the series on defining the different forms of abuse, I want to look at spiritual abuse next. If you have been raped, sexually assaulted, abused, or otherwise traumatized, please proceed with caution. If you find yourself unable to handle reading this, please stop. Your safety is of utmost importance to me, and if that means you cannot read this article, I understand.

According to Wikipedia, “Spiritual abuse is a serious form of abuse which occurs when a person in a cult-religious authority or a person with a unique spiritual practice misleads and maltreats another person in the name of a deity (god) or church or in the mystery of any spiritual concept. Spiritual abuse often refers to an abuser using spiritual or cult-religious rank in taking advantage of the victim’s spirituality (mentality and passion on spiritual matters) by putting the victim in a state of unquestioning obedience to an abusive authority. Spiritual abuse refers to the use of spiritual knowledge to deprive, torture, degrade, isolate, control, or (in rare and extreme cases) even kill others. It is used by evil-minded spiritualists, sometimes, including cult-religious leaders, to gain advantage, dominate, or exercise control over others. Being an “action of man,” in worst case scenarios, spiritual abuse can otherwise be considered a form of “spiritual terrorism.””

According to the same article, spiritual abuse may include any of the following:

  • Psychological and emotional abuse with the objective of unnatural domination and control of the victim for self-aggrandizing purposes by the perpetrator;
  • Physical abuse that includes physical injury, deprivation of sustenance;
  • Sexual abuse;
  • Any act by deeds or words that demean, humiliate or shame the natural worth and dignity of a person as a human being;
  • Submission to spiritual authority without any right to disagree; intimidation;
  • Unreasonable control of a person’s basic right (personal autonomy) to make their own decisions (freewill, volition) on spiritual or natural matters;
  • False accusation and repeated criticism by negatively labeling a person as disobedient, rebellious, lacking faith, demonized, apostate, enemy of the church or a deity (a god);
  • Actions aimed at prevention from or ineterference with a person’s practice or system faith or spirituality;
  • Isolationism, separation, disenfranchisement, or estrangement from family and friends outside the group due to cult-religious or spiritual affiliation and indigenous beliefs;
  • Exclusivity and elitism: dismissal of outsiders’ criticism on the purported basis that the assessment, opinions, and criticism of the critic is invalid because he/she does not understand or rejects the unorthodox nuances of the belief system of the group or group guru; it is not uncommon for outside critics to be accused of being or being influenced by a demon;
  • Esotericism: withholding information and giving of information only to a selected few; hidden agendas and requirements revealed to members only as they successfully advance through various stages of “spiritual enlightenment,” which in reality is unorthodox, unproven, indigenous doctrines, beliefs, and/or practices;
  • Conformity to an unorthodox, unproven, or unnatural, and often spiritually or even naturally dangerous unconventional cult-religious view or worldview and practice;
  • Practice of spiritualism, mysticism, and/or unproven or unorthodox doctrines and theology;
  • Hostility and disenfranchisement that includes shunning, relational aggression, parental alienation) or persecution;
  • Apotheosis or de facto deification of the leadership: exaltation of the primary leader(s) to a God-like status in and over the group;
  • Financial exploitation and enslavement of adherents with inordinate and burdensome required financial support (“donations”) to the financial needs of the group, which often includes a self-aggrandizing personal financial lifestyle of the leadership that far exceeds the median lifestyle of the group adherents.

I am fortunate in that I do not have any personal experience with this subject. However, in my journey of healing from the abuse I have been through, I have encountered people who have been abused in this manner. It is very real, and very traumatic. And while this does not directly relate to domestic violence, I do feel it is important to acknowledge and define this form of abuse. Just about every person I have encountered who has been spiritually abused has also been abused in other ways as well.

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call your local authorities or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233). If you are not in immediate danger, but need someone to talk with or help finding your local resources, please contact me either on my Facebook page Hit Me No More or at my e-mail HitMeNoMore@gmail.com

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What is financial abuse?

Continuing the series on defining the different forms of abuse, the next one I want to look at is financial abuse. Until I was getting ready to leave my abuser, I did not even know financial abuse was a thing. Which is why I find it important to look at and define the different types of abuse – there may be someone out there who is being abused, and doesn’t realize it, because they don’t know what constitutes abuse. And, as you’ll see if you keep reading, financial abuse frequently goes along with other forms of abuse. I don’t find this topic to be triggering, but as always, if you have been abused, raped, sexually assaulted, or otherwise traumatized, please proceed with caution, and stop reading if you find yourself being triggered or hurt by what you are reading.

According to Love is Respect, “financial abuse can be very subtle — telling you what you can and cannot buy or requiring you to share control of your bank accounts. At no point does someone you are dating have the right to use money or how you spend it to control you.”

Even though this refers specifically to when you are dating, it is also possible to be financially abused when married. If your partner puts you on an allowance, and expects you to account for everything you spend, that is considered financial abuse. So even if you have moved past the stage of dating, don’t think you shouldn’t read this because it “couldn’t possibly apply.”

According to the same site, all of the following are considered to be financial abuse:

  • Giving you an allowance and closely watching what you buy.
  • Placing your paycheck in their account and denying you access to it.
  • Keeping you from seeing shared bank accounts or records.
  • Forbidding you to work or limiting the hours you do.
  • Preventing you from going to work by taking your car or keys.
  • Getting you fired by harassing you, your employer or coworkers on the job.
  • Hiding or stealing your student financial aid check or outside financial support.
  • Using your social security number to obtain credit without your permission.
  • Using your child’s social security number to claim an income tax refund without your permission.
  • Maxing out your credit cards without your permission.
  • Refusing to give you money, food, rent, medicine or clothing.
  • Causing visible bruises and scars so that you are too embarrassed to go to work.
  • Using funds from your children’s tuition or a joint savings account without your knowledge.
  • Spending money on themselves but not allowing you to do the same.

(Personal note: Some of the things listed here go beyond financial abuse, yes. I believe they are included on this list because they also effect your ability to earn money.)

If you find yourself being financially abused, you might be wondering what options are available to you. The site Girls Just Wanna Have Funds has some great advice and suggestions.

  • Leave.  Plan your way slowly or swiftly out of this relationship and leave.  Relationships like this can never be trusted to become equitable since so much of it is about power.
  • Reach out to trusted friends, relatives or even a local church who many be able to house you until you’re able to get on your feet.
  • If vocational training or education is a barrier to getting a job then start going to school online.
  • Skim money from whatever is given to you and save little by little.  Every bit adds up.  Open a bank account in secret and stash your money until you’re ready to leave.  Ask friends and family for donations to this account while noting you will pay them back once you are on your feet.  Start a blog and learn how to monetize it.
  • Get a job in secret.  For example you can say that you’re volunteering and get a PT job walking dogs or babysitting while he is away or working during the day.
  • Establish credit.  Get a secured card that you keep only at a friend’s or family member’s house in a locked box.  Use it to make purchases while building your credit.
  • Research all options with regards to government assistance around food stamps, housing and community based services.  When stepping out for the first time, this may be a temporary option to get you from point A to B while you establish yourself.

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call your local authorities or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233). If you are not in immediate danger, but need someone to talk with or help finding your local resources, please contact me either on my Facebook page Hit Me No More or at my e-mail HitMeNoMore@gmail.com

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What is sexual abuse?

In keeping with the theme of defining the different forms of abuse, this time I am looking a bit closer at what sexual abuse is by definition, and by example. As always, if you have a history of being abused, raped, sexually assaulted, or otherwise traumatized, please proceed with caution, and take care of yourself first. If that means you cannot read this right now, then please walk away and do something else. You will NOT hurt my feelings if you don’t read this right now. I would much rather you do what it takes to keep yourself safe/feeling safe.

According to Wikipedia, “Sexual abuse, also referred to as molestation, is the forcing of undesired sexual behavior by one person upon another. When that force is immediate, of short duration, or infrequent, it is called sexual assault. The offender is referred to as a sexual abuser or (often pejoratively) molester. The term also covers any behavior by any adult towards a child to stimulate either the adult or child sexually. When the victim is younger than the age of consent, it is referred to as child sexual abuse.”

This definition seems pretty clear. However, what I want to focus on right now is adult against adult, repeatedly. I will cover sexual assault & molestation at a later point. For what I am choosing to look more closely at right now, the same article says, “Spousal sexual abuse is a form of domestic violence. When the abuse involves forced sex, it may constitute rape upon the other spouse, depending on the jurisdiction, and may also constitute an assault.”

That makes it even more clear. But there are some grey areas that still need to be cleared up. I know, because I lived in those grey areas. I would frequently wake up to find my ex, Ben (please refer to My Story), on top of me. This was usually after I had denied him before going to sleep, so he already knew I wasn’t in the mood. That is considered rape. He told me on a regular basis that my body was his to do with whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. This included touching me in a suggestive manner while in public – despite my repeated requests to please stop. After a couple years, I gave up protesting, and let him touch me whenever he wanted, even at church. Another habit of his was to use sex as a way of making up with me after a fight. Even if I didn’t want the sex. Even when I felt the fight had not ended yet. Yes, in other words, he would rape me as a way of making up with me.

I have said it before, but it bears repeating: Men can be abused in the same ways women can be abused. Women can be abusers. No one is immune from being abused, and no one deserves to be blamed for being abused. Women are completely capable of committing sexual abuse against their partner, whether their partner is male or female. Men can be abused by their partner, whether their partner is male or female. And the ONLY one who should be ashamed is the one doing it. The victim is NEVER to blame, and should NOT be ashamed.

I hope this has helped answer what sexual abuse is, and what it may look like. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call your local authorities or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233). If you are not in immediate danger, but need someone to talk with or help finding your local resources, please contact me either on my Facebook page Hit Me No More or at my e-mail HitMeNoMore@gmail.com

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What is psychological abuse?

As I stated in my entry on physical abuse, with the main purposes of this blog being awareness and education, I feel it is important to look at the different types of abuse, and have a clear definition for each. I will also provide examples of what it looks like in real life when clarification appears to be needed. Most of these examples will be from my own life when possible. However, I will also include fictional examples, too, which will be clearly indicated as such. If you have a history of having been abused, raped, or otherwise traumatized, please proceed with caution. As always, take care of YOU first – even if that means not reading what I have written at this time.

Today, I want to take a closer look at psychological abuse, also known as emotional or mental abuse. According to Wikipedia, “Psychological abuse, also referred to as emotional abuse or mental abuse, also known as “emo” is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder.” The widely used Conflict Tactics Scale measures roughly twenty distinct acts of “psychological aggression” in three different categories:

  1. Verbal aggression (e.g., saying something that upsets or annoys someone else);
  2. Dominant behaviors (e.g., preventing someone to have contact with their family);
  3. Jealous behaviors (e.g., accusing a partner of maintaining other parallel relations).

Unlike physical or sexual abuse, which only require one incident or outburst to be qualified as abuse, psychological abuse is determined and defined based on the pattern of having it occur multiple times.

That definition covers a wide range of behaviors, and may leave you wondering what, exactly, does psychological abuse look like. Hopefully, by sharing some examples from my own life, I can help clear that up for you. My ex, Ben, (please refer to My Story) would call me names, telling me that I was a know it all, show off, and said that I didn’t care about the feelings of others. He would also get upset any time I had contact with my family, outside of his “approved” times and conditions, which he never explained to me. And I was accused, repeatedly, of sleeping with just about any and every male who crossed my path, regardless of how much older or younger they were. All of these are forms of psychological abuse. He would also use my fears as a source of entertainment for himself. For example, I have an extreme fear of falling. It causes me to panic when I feel like I am falling, and it doesn’t matter how high or low the surface is. If I feel like I am falling, I freak out. And Ben found this amusing. He would threaten to push me off the bed, and leave me hanging, crying, and begging for him to pull me back up. Meanwhile, he was laughing. He thought it was just the funniest thing ever. His accusations of my unfaithfulness hurt me, and I told him as much, repeatedly. And he would tell me he was just joking with me, to which I would respond that I don’t see anything funny about it. To which he would reply that he would stop. But he never did.

Sadly, even among experts, there is a double standard by which psychological abuse is judged. “Follingstad et al. found that, when rating hypothetical vignettes of psychological abuse in marriages, professional psychologists tend to rate male abuse of females as more serious than identical scenarios describing female abuse of males: “the stereotypical association between physical aggression and males appears to extend to an association of psychological abuse and males””

Many times when men step forward and admit to having been abused, they – the victim – are blamed for what happened. Society has a hard time accepting that the victim is NEVER to blame – period. That is worth repeating. The victim is NEVER at fault. EVER. The only person to blame, is the abuser. The only person who should be ashamed of what has happened is the abuser. No victim should blame themselves – though they often do.

Anyways, I hope this has helped answer what psychological abuse looks like. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call your local authorities or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233). If you are not in immediate danger, but need someone to talk with or help finding your local resources, please contact me either on my Facebook page Hit Me No More or at my e-mail HitMeNoMore@gmail.com

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What is physical abuse?

With the main purposes of this blog being awareness and education, I feel it is important to look at the different types of abuse, and have a clear definition for each. I will also provide examples of what it looks like in real life when clarification appears to be needed. Most of these examples will be from my own life when possible. However, I will also include fictional examples, too, which will be clearly indicated as such. If you have a history of having been abused, raped, or otherwise traumatized, please proceed with caution. As always, take care of YOU first – even if that means not reading what I have written at this time.

Today, let’s take a closer look at physical abuse. According to Wikipedia, the definition of physical abuse is “… an act of another party involving contact intended to cause feelings of physical pain, injury, or other physical suffering or bodily harm.”

According to the same article, some of the forms of physical abuse include:

  • Striking
  • Punching
  • Pushing, pulling
  • Slapping
  • Striking with an object
  • Excessive pinching on the body
  • Kicking
  • Tripping
  • Kneeing
  • Strangling
  • Headbutting
  • Drowning
  • Sleep deprivation
  • Exposure to cold, freezing
  • Exposure to heat or radiation, burning
  • Exposure to electric shock
  • Placing in stress positions (tied or otherwise forced)
  • Cutting or otherwise exposing somebody to something sharp
  • Exposure to a dangerous animal
  • Throwing or shooting a projectile
  • Withholding food or medication
  • Blinding a person or causing impairment ofsight.
  • Biting
  • Eye poking

Seems pretty comprehensive, right? Unfortunately, as humans we never seem to cease finding new ways to hurt other humans. So while this list seems rather complete, I am sadly confident that there are more things that could be added to this list.

My ex, “Ben,” (refer to entry My Story) kept me sleep deprived for the entire time we were together. He would punch me in my lower back, knowing I had back problems from an accident when I was younger, to wake me up when he was hungry. A mark does not have to be left to “count” as physical abuse. Ben never left so much as a mark on me when he hit me. Abuse is abuse. It is always wrong. And it is NEVER the victim’s fault.

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call your local authorities! National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233). If you are not in immediate danger, but need someone to talk with or help finding your local resources, please contact me either on my Facebook page Hit Me No More or at my e-mail HitMeNoMore@gmail.com

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Red Flags

The following is a list of warning signs to watch for in a relationship. If you notice even one of these in your partner, be aware. This list can be found at http://www.theredflagcampaign.org/index.php/dating-violence/red-flags-for-abusive-relationships/ and all credit for it goes to them and their sources.

  • Abuse alcohol or other drugs.
  • Have a history of trouble with the law, get into fights, or break and destroy property.
  • Don’t work or go to school.
  • Blame you for how they treat you, or for anything bad that happens.
  • Abuse siblings, other family members, children or pets.
  • Put down people, including your family and friends, or call them names.
  • Are always angry at someone or something.
  • Try to isolate you and control whom you see or where you go.
  • Nag you or force you to be sexual when you don’t want to be.
  • Cheat on you or have lots of partners.
  • Are physically rough with you (push, shove, pull, yank, squeeze, restrain).
  • Take your money or take advantage of you in other ways.
  • Accuse you of flirting or “coming on” to others or accuse you of cheating on them.
  • Don’t listen to you or show interest in your opinions or feelings. . .things always have to be done their way.
  • Ignore you, give you the silent treatment, or hang up on you.
  • Lie to you, don’t show up for dates, maybe even disappear for days.
  • Make vulgar comments about others in your presence
  • Blame all arguments and problems on you.
  • Tell you how to dress or act.
  • Threaten to kill themselves if you break up with them, or tell you that they cannot live without you.
  • Experience extreme mood swings. . .tell you you’re the greatest one minute and rip you apart the next minute.
  • Tell you to shut up or tell you you’re dumb, stupid, fat, or call you some other name (directly or indirectly).
  • Compare you to former partners.

Some other cues that might indicate an abusive relationship might include:

  • You feel afraid to break up with them.
  • You feel tied down, feel like you have to check-in.
  • You feel afraid to make decisions or bring up certain subjects so that the other person won’t get mad.
  • You tell yourself that if you just try harder and love your partner enough that everything will be just fine.
  • You find yourself crying a lot, being depressed or unhappy.
  • You find yourself worrying and obsessing about how to please your partner and keep them happy.
  • You find the physical or emotional abuse getting worse over time.

By the time I left, my relationship with my ex had 28 of these red flags present. If you are in a relationship where more than a few of these are present, you are NOT alone. There are others out there, who have been there. I have been there. There are resources available. You don’t have to stay, no matter what you have been told. If you need help finding your local resources, please contact me either here, on my Facebook page (search Hit Me No More), or at my e-mail. Hitmenomore@gmail.com Stay safe, my friends.

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My story

My post yesterday was a short intro, with very few details. This is going to be more background on what all I have been through. Hopefully this will help explain why I care so much about this topic, and am doing everything I can think of to help create awareness and spread education.

I am twenty-nine, and have been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder in remission(!), anxiety, and symptomatic of PTSD. I am a recovering cutter, which for those who don’t know, is a form of self injury. I am also a recovering anorexic. Most, if not all, of these things are complications from my abuse. Please proceed with caution, and, above all else, keep yourself safe. If you are not in a good place mentally right now, don’t read. If you get triggered, please stop reading. You will not hurt my feelings if you cannot handle reading this. I am only putting it here for those of you who can handle reading it, & want to know more about where I have been.

I remember, my sister & I had a babysitter we couldn’t stand, & one we adored. The one we couldn’t stand was Rachel. We asked her once to play a board game with us. She said no, that it was for babies, then sent us to bed. I got up to get something to drink, & she was playing the game with her boyfriend – who wasn’t supposed to have been there. She insisted we call her Aunt Rachel, though she was of no relation to us. One time, she was helping get me & my sister ready for church, and was doing my hair. I said something to her, & forgot to call her ‘Aunt’. She pulled my hair, & asked me what I’d said. I repeated it. She pulled my hair again, & asked me again. I repeated it again, very puzzled as to why she was pulling my hair like that, & in pain from it. My sister, in tears, answered for me, “She said ‘Aunt Rachel’!” And my hair was released when I agreed. That was the final straw for me & my sister. We decided to go to our parents, & very calmly state that we did not want Rachel to watch us again. We were scared out of our minds to do this, because we were always told that we had to accept the decisions that adults made for us, & so on & so forth. So it took a lot of courage for us to speak up. When we did, our parents listened. We told them everything – about the boyfriend, about being sent to bed hours before our bedtime, & especially about the hair pulling. She never watched us again, & went out of her way to avoid us at church.

I was 9 when I was molested by the son of a family friend. He was 18. He was the older brother of my sister’s friends. We spent a lot of time at their house, because our parents were also friends. All the girls were younger than me, & got on my nerves. So I would go to the game room, in the basement, to play video games most of the time. I was told to avoid Brian. But all my life, I was also told to respect my elders, and to not walk away if they were talking to me. So, when he sat down next to me on the couch, and started talking to me, I didn’t know what to do. I chose to follow the rule about respecting my elders. This was when the original Nintendo was a big deal still. I was playing a wrestling game, and that’s how it started. I was really getting into it. He asked if I would like to learn how to wrestle for real. I agreed. He led the way to his bedroom, just off of the game room. Everyone else was 2 stories above us. He shut the door, & locked it. I don’t remember much after the click of the lock. I do remember being pinned down. I remember him leaning down over me. And I remember him saying that it would be “Our little secret.” It became a routine, every time my sister & I went to their house, I was expected to go upstairs, say hi to his parents, then go down to his room, & knock on the door to let him know I was there. One time, I forgot. I got distracted by his cousin, who was my age and shared many of my interests. We got to talking & laughing. Suddenly, Brian came out of his room, yelling at me, saying things like “What do you think you’re doing?” I stammered that I was just talking to his cousin, that I was sorry, and anything else I could think of to diffuse his rage. That was one of the worst wrestling sessions. He slammed me down, hard. When my head hit the floor (thin carpet), I just laid there. I didn’t have it in me to get back up again. He freaked out, apologizing all over the place, saying he didn’t mean to hurt me, and he wasn’t really mad, if I would just be ok & get up again, he would even let me win at one match. I got up. I told him it was ok. I don’t remember anything after that. Then our moms found out that I had been spending time with him. I tried to deny it. I tried saying that they were wrong. But they didn’t believe me. After that talk, he was never home when we came over, or there were organized activities upstairs to keep me from going to the game room. I still have trouble with thunder storms. I remember him saying that when it was raining hard enough to thunder, then no one could hear me scream. When we wrestled, if I got any bumps, bruises, or cuts, I had to lie about where they came from. And to this day, if I can’t recall where one came from, I obsess about it until I remember.

Around that time, I started keeping a weight journal & a food diary. It was a big secret, & I never told anyone I was doing it. During the summer, I got up obscenely early (before I would during the school year) so I could do the Mickey Mouse workout hour. I was certain that it was going to help me lose weight.

My family and I moved a year later, when I was 10, and during that move I had to stop keeping my weight journal and food diary, because I had no privacy in which to keep them.

A few years later, and I was a teenager. By then, I was slightly overweight, but not enough so to raise concern from outsiders. Just enough that I received some cruel comments from ignorant people who didn’t realize the damage their words were doing. When I started high school, I also started getting serious about losing some of that weight. I felt like things would be better, if only I were thinner. I won’t go into the details right now, but I will say that this is where/when my eating disorder developed more fully. But much more happened during my teen years, and that is what I want to keep the focus on for right now.

When I started dating at 14, I managed to consistently find myself in abusive relationships. None of the guys I dated actually hit me while we were dating (one guy put his hands on me after we broke up), but they were emotionally and mentally abusive. They treated me like a yo-yo, meaning that they would pull me close and be sweet when it was convenient for them, then, when someone “better” came along, they tossed me aside, only to pull me back again when the other girl turned them down/left them. When I was 16, I met a guy that I fell hard for – Phil. In fact, he was my first true love. He treated me the same as the other guys, but I overlooked it because I loved him. We were in an on again/off again relationship for almost four years. Also when I was 16, I was sexually assaulted three times during a four month period.

When I was about 15, I joined an on-line support group for survivors of abuse. One of the moderators there, Matt, took an interest in me and my story. He said he cared about me, that he was worried about me. We got to talking in private messages, I found out he was in his 40s. We started e-mailing, & he told me about how he was divorcing his wife, and how he couldn’t stand her, & so on, & so forth. I expressed compassion. Things progressed more & more, to where we were having an on-line relationship. He asked for my number, so he could call me. We talked on the phone. He asked for pictures, and sent me money to get the film for the polaroid camera. He sent me pictures of himself. The pictures got more & more inappropriate. He pressured me into cyber sex. I kept refusing, backing out of it, having flashbacks, etc. One day, he’d had enough of me & my flashbacks, & continued the conversation even after I asked him to stop. I thought he cared about me. He taught me to stand up for myself. I met someone in real time, and realized that an on-line only relationship wasn’t going to ever give me what I needed. So I broke things off with him when I was 17. I tried to remain friends with him. He continued to send me inappropriate messages. I finally told him that if he could not respect my wishes & be friends only, then we wouldn’t even have that. I never heard from him again. Even though I know what happened with Matt was wrong, I have a hard time putting it in the same category as all my other abusive relationships. I don’t know why I can’t put him in that category, but there it is.

When I was 16, I was raped once and sexually assaulted two times, all within four months. The rape was in Sept., Labor day weekend. I was at a family reunion at a public campground. He was in his mid-20s, and there with his family. Their campsite was directly in front of my family’s cabin. I met him, however, at the pool. I was still a virgin. I hadn’t done anything more than some serious making out, hands above clothes only. Anything more than that freaked me out. Alex had tried, repeatedly, to grab my chest &/or ass, but I always managed to evade him. Finally, I left the pool to go back to my cabin for some water. On my way back to the pool, Alex called me over to his truck, which was parked at an angle between his campsite & my cabin. He had the door propped open, & was sitting on the passenger side. I walked over to see what he wanted. He pulled me into his lap, and we were talking. I had one arm wrapped around his neck, & the other braced against the door to hold myself up. Next thing I know, he’s kissing me, and trying to stick his hand in my swimsuit bottom. I freaked out, but due to a severe phobia of falling, I maintained my grip on him & the door. When he finally let go of me, I pushed away, & stumbled off to the pool. He didn’t talk to me the rest of the weekend. The fallout from that was pretty bad. I was already involved with an eating disorder, and it got worse. I started cutting. I put the brakes on what I felt was an otherwise good relationship, because I couldn’t handle it. And I began a long distance relationship with a friend of a friend, figuring that it was safe, because we lived on opposite sides of town, & neither of us drove. His name was Fred.

Then, one day right before Christmas break, Fred called & asked for directions to my house. I told him, then asked why. He said he was on his way, that a friend was giving him a ride to come see me. I was a little bit happy, a little bit in shock. I still hadn’t done anything remotely intimate since Alex, so I was a little scared, but I figured it would be alright. Fred got there, & we went back to my room & shut the door. We started kissing, which was fine. Then we were lying down on my bed. He took my hand, & forced me to touch him *there*. I lost it. I completely shut down, terrified. That was the first time I had ever touched there, & I was scared to death. I literally just lay there, not moving, not saying anything, not doing anything. When he realized that I was that scared, he stopped, & backed off. Shortly after that, he & his friend left. Next day, he came over again. And again, we were kissing, lying on my bed. And again, he took my hand, & put it *there*. And again, I shut down. It was like I was outside the situation, looking down at it. I couldn’t move. And, again, once he realized I was shut down like that, he stopped, & left.

I stopped sleeping in my bed for YEARS after that. Eventually, it got to where I couldn’t even sleep in my room. I had nightmares every night. I had flashbacks every day. For YEARS. Even after I started dating again. My friends saw how bad my eating disorder was, & intervened. So I started cutting more. Eventually, that got so bad that my friends expressed concern about me. I reached out to my mom shortly after I turned 17 in March. I wanted help to stop the cutting & starving. I told her about one of the assaults, Alex. She told me it was my fault, because I broke the rules, and I deserved whatever happened as a result. I didn’t even get to tell her about the starving & cutting. In May, I attempted an overdose of Tylenol PM. I wasn’t trying to die, I just wanted the pain to stop. I woke up the next day, & went to school, where I set into motion a chain of events that led to my going to the hospital. I convinced everyone that it had been an accident, and that I wasn’t a danger to myself. A few weeks later, after school was out, I ran away to a friend’s house. My parents never saw any of this as signs that something was wrong. They never made an effort to get me any help, even after the ER doctor told them I needed it. No one from my church said anything, even when they saw me lying in the hospital bed.

When I was 18, & had graduated high school, I got a job at the mall. I worked with some really great people who I came to care deeply about & considered some of my dearest friends for many years. Two of those people were Jennifer & Stan. Jennifer was my assistant manager, and Stan was, at the time, her fiancé. Jennifer was easy to talk to, and quickly learned about my history with self-harm and anorexia, as well as the assaults. Stan was also really easy to talk with, and I frequently spoke with him about those things, as well. He used to work in a psych ward, so he had a firm understanding of self-harm & anorexia, and how to best help me. They both showed me much love & kindness. I had a bit of a crush on Stan, but since I knew he was taken, I did not have any plans to act on it. Jennifer knew about my crush, & instead of feeling threatened, she took it as a compliment. My second year there, one night during Christmas rush, she confided to me that they had an open relationship. I was shocked. I had heard of this before, but had never met anyone who had one. And she told me that they were willing to let me “in” – but not while I was still a virgin. That’s right. I was 19, almost 20, & I still hadn’t been intimate, though not from a lack of desire.

So, I got back in touch with Phil (the guy I’d been in love with since I was 16), & we did it. I had many reasons – not just the promise of being allowed into Jennifer & Stan’s relationship. I truly did love Phil, though I was beginning to see that he most likely did not feel the same about me. I was really hoping to get things to work out between us. He truly was my first love, & nothing will ever change that – including the fact that he raped me a few days after I was with him the first time. I’d been over at his place, against my will & better judgment, I got talked into it by him & a co-worker of mine. We went to sleep without doing anything, & then I woke up to find him on top of me. I didn’t know what to do, so I pretended I was still asleep. We got up the next morning, & while I was getting ready for work, he showed me a dress that he said he’d like to see me wear when we went out to the clubs sometime. I smiled, and said that it was nice. Then he threw me for the biggest loop ever, I think, when he said that he thought it would look better on me than it did on him when he wore it out. I was in shock. Here was this guy I loved, who had promised me the little house with the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, a dog, & him coming home to me every night. I’d known him for almost four years, and he’s only now telling me this? I know I handled it poorly, but I had no idea what to do or say. I sorta blushed, dropped my head, & mumbled something. He took me to work, talking the whole time about how he was making these huge plans for us for Valentine’s Day, which was just over two weeks away. I was excited. I got out of his truck at the mall, he drove away, & I never heard from him again. A year later, I realized that what had happened with him was actually rape.

That was January 2003. February was uneventful. March, right before my birthday, I slept with Stan. Jennifer was there, but nothing happened between us. It was strictly about Stan. Then, in April, I was with another guy, one I had known & crushed on since I was a teenager. We were very close friends, but after we slept together, he has barely said two words to me. That hurt – a lot. I firmly believe, though, that it was because up until that point, I was his only female friend he hadn’t slept with, so that set me apart, & made me different. I remained friends with Jennifer & Stan, though, even after we all lost our jobs due to a company buy out.

In July, I got a new job, and I met a guy there – Ben. I thought he was really sweet, and different from all the others. I was wrong. That began a long term abusive relationship. I was with him for almost eight years. He abused me in every sense of the word. Emotionally, mentally, verbally, sexually, and on occasion, physically. If you can name a form of abuse, odds are good he did it to me. He was insanely jealous, constantly accusing me of sleeping with any & every male that crossed my path, regardless of how old (or young) they were. One time, I had to make a midnight run to the store by myself, after having been cleaning house all day. Due to the nature of what I had been wearing, I decided to change first. That started a fight in which I was accused of having an affair and going to meet other guys. I told him I wasn’t, then changed back to the more revealing clothes I was wearing at first. When I came back from the store, I had decided to soothe his ego by telling him that the reason I did not want to wear that outfit to the store by myself, but would when with him, was because by myself I felt like more of a target, and that with him, I felt safer. On another occasion, I remember he was in the hospital due to high blood sugar (he’s diabetic, & refused to eat the way he should), and I was sitting up, reading. I have no idea now what the book was, but in one scene, the woman is in the grocery store by herself, and starts crying because she “can’t remember whether it’s me or him that likes the mint chocolate chip ice cream, but knows there will be a price to pay for getting it wrong.” I burst into tears because I could relate so strongly to that feeling. That is when I first became open to accepting the truth of my relationship with him. Until that very moment, I rejected the idea of him being abusive. There are so many examples I can give of how he abused me, like insisting on sex immediately after a fight, or me refusing him repeatedly, only to wake up with him on top of me, or him hitting me to wake me up to get him something to eat. But I think what I’ve already said gives a clear idea of the situation. His own family urged me, repeatedly, to leave him. He said, almost constantly, that I was the best thing to ever happen to him. For years I wondered why he didn’t treat me like it, or why I didn’t feel the same. I finally, recently, realized it’s because he was calling me a thing. And I’m not a thing, I’m a person.

While I was with him, I lost touch with a lot of people, including Jennifer & Stan. Then Stan sorta fell back into my life one night while I was working at the mall (again). (I had a lot of jobs while with Ben, due in part to him moving us around a lot.) We picked up our friendship like nothing had ever happened. Stan is one of two guys who could have gotten me to leave Ben if he had asked. The other being Phil. But Stan never asked me to. By the time we found each other again, he & Jennifer had divorced, and he was dating again. We talked, & quickly fell back into a close friendship that was sometimes a little more. Ben never knew, because even though we were together, he was not allowed to stay the night with me at my parents’ (my grandmother owned the land their trailer was on, & said he couldn’t stay because we weren’t married). So, after Ben had left, I would call Stan, & talk with him. I confided in him much as I did before. One night, Stan & I arranged to get together again. I am NOT proud of what I was doing, and I won’t try to make excuses or explain or justify. I know what I did was wrong – & I assure you, I have suffered consequences for it. A common theme of my conversations with Stan was how he wished he could find someone like me, who was into the same things as him, and would support him in his projects. I felt like screaming “I’m right here,” but never did. After we had one last night together, we sorta stopped talking again. And, a few years after that, I realized that I was never going to be his first choice. I was a good second choice. I was convenient when he needed something, but he was never going to give me what I needed. So I stopped trying to maintain my friendship with him.

I left Ben in May of 2011. That was the hardest, scariest, most painful, and best thing I could have ever done. I went to a domestic violence shelter, because I knew if I stayed anywhere else, he would find me. And I did not want to be found. I then moved over an hour away, in an effort to start my life over. I have since moved again, and am constantly vigilant about my safety. Since leaving him, I have been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, anxiety, and PTSD. I am properly medicated, and in therapy. I have since gained so much weight that my doctor has said I am technically morbidly obese. While I was with my ex, I went 6 years without cutting, because he threatened to have me committed if I did it again. (Which is possible in Texas.) After leaving him, it was like starting all over again, because I am doing it for myself now, rather than because someone is threatening me. I made it almost seven months, and had a slip in November of 2011, & again in November of 2012. I picked myself up, and started over. I have now made it 1 & 1/2 months, and counting. I have been dealing with all of this in therapy, and through creative pursuits. I write poetry, in particular.

And that basically is my story. If anyone has any questions at any time, I will answer to the best of my ability. If anyone out there ever needs someone to talk to, who knows what it’s like to turn the pain inwards onto their-self, or needs to let off some steam, or just needs some compassion, I am available by e-mail at HitMeNoMore@gmail.com or you can message me on my FaceBook page. – Amanda

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Who is this?

My name is Amanda, & I am a 29 year old survivor of abuse. I have been through it all: physical, mental, emotional, verbal, sexual. I was in a severely abusive relationship for almost eight years, and have been out of it for one year & nine months.

I feel very strongly that there is much to be done still in the areas of awareness & education about abuse, and many of the issues surrounding it. I refuse to be silent any longer about what I have been through. This is a subject that I have a lot to say about, and I look forward to getting to know y’all, my readers, as I share information and my experiences.

I am also on Facebook and Twitter, so please find me over there, as well.