Living Apart Together: Is It the Right Choice for You?

One of the most common worries I hear from women over 60 who are dating is the lack of available partners in their area. I get it. But I also see happy, committed couples every single day who have made a different kind of choice: they’re in love, they’re all in, and they don’t share a home!

Sharing living space isn’t the only way to show commitment. For many women, an LAT setup – Living Apart Together – has turned out to be not a compromise, but a genuine revelation.

What “Living Apart Together” Actually Means

In a LAT relationship, couples are committed and usually relatively close geographically, but they each keep their own home. These couples see each other regularly and consider themselves fully committed. Keeping separate homes is a deliberate choice.

The term was coined by a Dutch journalist in the 1970s. What’s new is that researchers are now paying serious attention to it. A study published in The Journals of Gerontology found that non-residential unions are growing steadily, especially among older adults who’ve navigated a previous marriage and want more say over how they structure their next chapter.

Why Women Over 60 Choose This

Many women I work with have raised kids, been through divorces, and spent years accommodating another person’s habits and rhythms. Keeping what they’ve built for themselves feels right.

Here’s what typically drives the choice toward LAT:

• You value your independence and personal space, and you feel you’ve earned it.
• Your sleep schedules, daily routines, or living styles genuinely conflict.
• You want to protect your finances or assets after a previous marriage.
• Adult children or blended family dynamics make full cohabitation complicated.
• You’d rather have time together feel chosen vs. obligatory.

This isn’t avoidance. For many couples, it’s clarity about what has not worked in the past.  If you’ve been carrying old relationship patterns into your decisions without realizing it, understanding your real motivations matters. Think about it.

The Real Benefits

Some people assume physical separation means emotional distance. Many LAT couples find the opposite is true. When you’re not navigating daily domestic friction together, you tend to show up for each other with more patience and more genuine desire. Time together is intentional, not the default. And intention is one of the most underrated ingredients in a lasting relationship.

What LAT couples consistently report:

• Stronger emotional connection because time together is actively chosen.
• A better physical relationship, partly because some time apart actually works (absence makes the heart grow fonder).
• Less conflict over day-to-day domestic friction.
• A stronger sense of self, which makes you a better partner.

The Challenges You Can’t Ignore

Physical separation, even just across town, can create emotional distance if you’re not deliberate about it. You have to be explicit about how much time you’ll spend together, what your expectations are, and where things are headed. LAT doesn’t let you coast on proximity.

Common challenges LAT couples face:

• Building shared routines and a genuine sense of “us” takes more intentional effort.
• If you’re sick or going through something hard, you may feel more alone.
• Others might judge you and devalue your relationship.
• Expectations that cohabiting couples leave unspoken have to be talked through directly.

Understanding what real compatibility looks like before committing to any structure is foundational. And the 8-step communication framework I teach becomes even more essential in a LAT relationship, because you cannot gloss over communication gaps by assuming that proximity equals connection.

Is It Right for You?

Both people have to genuinely choose this setup, not just tolerate it. So really ask yourself:

• Am I choosing separate homes because it genuinely serves the relationship, or because I’m avoiding something harder?
• Are my partner and I aligned on what we want and where this is going?
• Does the time we spend together actually build our connection?

I’ve seen women thrive in LAT relationships when they choose them from a place of strength. I’ve also seen women drift into them from conflict-aversion or fear. There’s a real difference. If you’re not sure which one applies to you, that’s worth figuring out before you commit to any structure. As a dating coach, I’ve seen that the women who do the self-awareness work come out ahead every time.

The real question is whether you and your partner have the self-knowledge and honest communication to make this genuinely work, rather than using separate spaces as a comfortable way to sidestep the deeper work a committed relationship requires.

Those questions are worth sitting with. If the deeper work of building a relationship with real staying power is something you are ready for, that is exactly the kind of clarity I help women find.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Have you thought about a different kind of relationship setup? Do you think a Living Apart Together type of understanding would work for you – physically, financially and emotionally?