In his never-ending quest to rewire me into the perfect submissive, Master has devised a new training technique.

If I am not behaving/speaking in a Master-approved way, he’ll snap his fingers once. This is my signal to reboot my behavior/speech. If I succeed in doing so, good girl! Go me! If not, he’ll snap twice signaling me to kneel on the spot wherever we are.

I see problems with this. I am too proud to kneel in public. Oh, I have done it before, but it was usually preceded by many alcoholic drinks, LOL. We shall see how this pans out.

Oh. And if I don’t kneel on command and reboot myself, punishment will follow. I suggested that positive reinforcement would work much better. I would respond better to little pieces of chocolate or even mini doughnuts being tossed into my mouth for good behavior. Like little Scooby snacks.

He was not impressed.

So what’s new, now that I’m all moved in and settled?  Let’s see…

I’ve been living in Master’s house a little over three months now.  It almost feels like home.  Except that ‘home’ was always a place where I was basically in charge.  I didn’t always like it either.  Master’s in charge here and make no mistake, everyone here knows it. But he isn’t that much of a control freak.  Not really.  Well… maybe he is.  (Maybe I’m just used to it, lol).

So, you must be wondering, what’s a day-in-the-life like here as a 24/7 owned slave?  

Well, it’s really pretty boring, lol.  The alarm goes off at 6:30 am every day except on the weekend.  Master programmed his alarm to say, “It is 6:30 am.  Get my coffee!”  He has a wonderful sense of humor, doesn’t he? *insert smirk here*  So I get up and, of course, go downstairs and bring us up two coffees.  

I put down his coffee on the nightstand, kneel there and am supposed to say, “I submit to you Master.”  Sort of like a reminder for me for the day.  I sometimes try to tag on a “but…”  but of course then he makes me say it over again the correct way.  It’s supposed to be my vow to be submissive to him throughout the day.  A goal I have been struggling with ever since I got here.  

I mean, mostly I am pretty submissive.  But then there comes the inevitable situation where just the mere thought of giving in just about kills me, and I dig my heels in.  And that usually gets me beat with “Middle Bro”.  Yes, we have a punishment dynamic.  And no, I don’t much like it.  It makes me feel like a child and is profoundly humiliating as well as painful.  But Master won’t budge and there is no room for discussion.  If I don’t behave (ie, submit) I get the strap on my rebellious ass until I sound genuinely remorseful and repentant.  (Which, for stubborn me, can sometimes take a long-ass time!)

Because I have struggled with my submission, Master decided to add a new ritual to the end of our day which mirrors the morning ritual.  Before we go to bed, I have to bend over the bed and ask (as he bares my ass) “Did I submit well today Master?”  He then lets me know if he is generally pleased with my submission, in which case I get fondled, (Nice!) or he takes that damned strap to my ass to reinforce he is not budging on the whole “Thou shalt be submissive” deal.  

The only thing is, when the kiddos are around, he can’t make noise; so he’s taken to using his fingernails to pinch my ass instead.  I’m not going to tell him that that doesn’t hurt, lol.  But still, I get the message.  He’s threatened to mete out a proper punishment at the next earliest convenience too, though, and I am afraid enough of Middle Bro to straighten up and fly right.

I will say this new ritual is helping.  I think about the fact that there is a nightly reckoning coming.  

Other than that, there isn’t a lot of kink going on.  Not even sure that is kink.  The last bad beating I got, Master made a point of showing me how it wasn’t making him hard; he wasn’t getting off on beating my ass.  He just wanted his message to hit home.  It did. 

After coffee, we get ready for work.  I make his breakfast, a smoothie, and mine, oatmeal.  We quickly eat and then head out the door for the 1.2 mile walk to work.  Actually, Master’s walk is a little bit less, and I kiss him at his turning off point and keep heading to  my work.  

For a little while, Master thought I might work for him in the office.  And I have worked for him just to help out some, but not for pay or anything.  But now Master has decided to hire someone else and let me continue my nursing.  I think it was a sort of fantasy of both of ours that I would work for him, but the reality was far less enjoyable, LOL!  Besides, I’m much better at nursing.  I pretty much suck at office work, lol. 

I work in an outpatient clinic-type setting now.  Monday through Friday, no holidays no weekends, no on-call. It’s my dream job, really.  Plus, I no longer have a 35-mile commute.  I’m reaaalllllly diggin’ the new job!  After work, I head to Master’s office and wait for him to finish up there, and then we walk home together.  

At home we usually fix dinner together, because Master still hasn’t fully given up the reins to his kitchen.  (But slowly he is realizing how competent I am there!) We have dinner, I clean up the dishes, get coffee ready for the morning, and then we usually watch television, or mess around on the internet.  Sometimes we go out for another walk. (We’ve both been working on getting more exercise and eating right and we’re both losing weight.  It’s so nice to have shared goals!)

On the weekends we get to sleep in a little bit later.  We usually walk somewhere for breakfast and/or to run errands.  Saturday afternoon usually involves watching college football somewhere, sometimes with friends.  If no football, we might end up downtown walking around and shopping and whatnot.  Or we might go for a drive and do something fun, like go apple picking. 

Sundays are for shopping and getting ready for the next week. Master keeps a very full schedule, so there is almost always something going on on weekends, often with friends.  I am basically having a blast ever since I got here.  Life is good.  (In fact, I have a mug that says that very thing!)

I should add this little caveat:  Life is good, as long as I submit.  When I dig my heels in, life suddenly takes an ugly turn, and neither of us has any fun at all until I’m turned around again.  That’s just the way it is around here.  Master won’t have it any other way.  

Sometimes, probably every other week, or so, Master goes out of town for work for a couple days.  This is my “me” time.  This is the time I get to watch what I want to watch on TV, or take a long sudsy bath, or masturbate, or read a book.  I also do chores and whatnot.  But it’s time I get to do some of the things I like.  And while I miss him, I really enjoy this time to relax a little.  It’s like I’m on my own for a bit.  (Even though Master says I’m not, it still feels like I’m free.  Kinda.  Heh.)

I’m glad the stress has let up.  I can tell I was under a huge amount of stress this past year.  I honestly thought the stress was going to kill me.  It is SO GOOD to be able to breathe again.  To not have to worry about having a house and a mortgage.  To have almost no bills.  I know Master has all of those things, but now I can focus more on being his helper and support.  I am not bogged down in my own shit anymore.  And that’s such a huge relief.  For both of us.  

I’m sorry I haven’t been blogging as much.  I really didn’t feel like sharing the growing pains of the last few months.  I was feeling a little raw at times.  It is really something to know that you are accountable to someone and that you will be held to account for your behavior every single day.  There’s no escaping it.  (Not that I want to.  At least not anymore, lol)

Oh.. I almost forgot.  After we finish the nightly ritual, I climb into Master’s bed and he cuffs my wrists and ankles and hooks the chain around my waist.  Then he pulls me in close.. all the way up next to him.  I lay my head on my ‘submission’ pillow (started off as a joke, but stuck, lol) and we fall asleep together. He hangs onto that chain all night long, even when he’s asleep.  I don’t know how he does that, but he rarely lets it go!  In the morning, he removes it.  I’m not allowed to. 

So that’s pretty much it.  Kinda boring, huh?  The only other thing is the weight thing.  I think I am going back on the one-pound a week rule.  I have to lose one pound a week until I hit my (his) goal for me.  So yeah, diet and exercise is a big thing around here. Master is doing it too; only he doesn’t get an “or else” if he doesn’t meet his goal.  No fair.

I promise to keep ya more in the loop.  Hopefully with more kinky stuff.  I dunno.  Maybe my life has more kink to it than I realize.  It just all seems very normal to me at this point.  I almost want to buy him a new toy to use on me, lol, but we already have a whole suitcase full of stuff that just sits there.  (Oh. Except for that damned Middle Bro.  That thing needs to get lost.  Hate that thing.)

Okay, slave out!

Just a head’s up… I had sort of abandoned this blog for awhile, but was blogging some over on Fetlife.  I am in the process of moving those posts over here, a transition which may take awhile and which I don’t have much patience for, but I want to preserve the integrity of the blog.  I also want to keep the chronology of my journey intact, especially for those of you who have been following me from the beginning. 

I’m sorry I got quiet here.  Life did not end, as you probably have surmised, but rather, I just didn’t feel like sharing for one reason or another.  

Thanks for those of you who stuck around.

Back to blogging 🙂

Okay, so I’m in.  Master and I finally, FINALLY made the leap to 24/7 live-in O/p.  Finally, after seven years, and then some.  It took a LOT to get here.

So how is it?

It’s different.  It’s awesome.  And it’s hard.  I miss my house. 

I miss my time away from him more than I ever thought I would.  For so long my goal, what I thought would make me the happiest, was to get here.  With him.  And it has.  It really has.  But living here… having given up MY place to move into his space has not been an easy transition. 

I didn’t see that coming.

I suppose you can add that to the fact that I moved my youngest into a place close by, as well as started a new job.  And my eldest moved clear across the country just prior to that. So lots of life changes at once, I’m sure, added to the growing pains of moving in.

What have I learned?

How to be his property. 

I gave up most of my things when I moved in, simply because he didn’t have the room or need for all of my things. 

I think giving up my personal property was, for me, kind of depersonalizing.  I think a lot of my identity was wrapped up in that house and those things.  I feel more like I AM property now.  It’s HIS house.  (Although my cat made it with me, so score one for the slave!)  I was able to run my house the way I liked.  Now I have lost that privilege.  I have to do things the way he likes. His way. 

I have to spend my time with him.  And he likes me with him almost all of the time when I’m not at work; which I’m not saying is a bad thing, it’s just a huge change!  I am submitting and doing what he wants most of the time, whether it’s going on long walks for exercise (even when I’ve already put five miles on my Fitbit that day and am tired and my knee hurts and I just want to rest, FFS) or watching MSNBC every morning, or sucking his cock at 6am. 

I’m learning that obedience as a first choice is really my best option.  I don’t like what happens when I don’t choose it.

I’m learning to trust him.  (This could be another entire blog post.)

I’m learning that change is good.

I’m learning the sky won’t fall and the earth won’t end if I don’t get my way.  I’m learning to let go.  To give in.  To not be so entitled. 

Probably the biggest thing I’ve learned so far is that his needs, wants, and desires are my prime objective.  When he’s happy, I’m happy.  And when he isn’t, life pretty much sucks for both of us. Until I get ‘realigned’.  And then it’s wonderful again.

So, we finally made it.  We made the big jump.  And there is no safety net if it doesn’t work out.  There is no leaving.  I have no place to go.

But that’s okay.  It’s more than okay. 

It’s good. 

And I’m going to be just fine.

(If only I could get him to do things my way!!!)

This has been a long time coming. And when I say long, I mean over seven years. I met Master in early 2007. (No, wait; actually I met him in late 2006. He took me as his slave in early 2007. But alas, I digress….)

We probably made THE slowest, most gradual transition to live-in that you can make, lol, and yet, it still feels weird to be in his place. To know that it’s okay now to call it ‘our’ place. That I am welcome and even have my own little chest of drawers that Master bought for me from Ikea, lol.

Yes, he IS helping me. Lots. And yesterday, when I told him I felt unsupported, he got a little upset. I just wish he was by my side 24/7, lol. Reality is that there is work and sometimes work means going out of town for a few days. I was supposed to go with him but didn’t feel comfortable leaving my daughter just yet. She is still adjusting too.

Today I unpacked lots and organized and cleaned. Master’s (our) place looks much better without so many boxes everywhere. Master’s driving home tonight and thinks he will make it all the way. (He said if he gets so sleepy that he is going off the road or something, then he will stop for the night. But he only has about 200 more miles to go, so I think he’ll make it).

I read somewhere on Fet today about the kink sort of wearing off and falling by the wayside once you finally become 24/7 live-in. I kind of got that idea already, because for a long time now I’ve been living with him for the whole week every other week. It seems that work and life in general do get in the way of the kink. But… I get the impression that the kink isn’t what’s most important to him. What’s the most important thing to him is that I defer, I submit, in short, that I simply obey and let him lead. And I do struggle with that sometimes.

I think there is going to be a shift of some sort now that I’m officially ‘all the way’ here. We’ll see. For one thing, now that I have a job here, I am going to be spending much less time commuting. Yay for that! I have three more weeks of commuting the 35 or whatever it is miles from here to my old job, then I get to cut back to just every other weekend there and start the new job. It’s only three days a week right now, but Master is hoping that may turn into more hours in the future. Or maybe I can work part time there and part time for him (as in, for money!). I work part time for him now, but it’s for free, lol.)

I am excited for the future. As everything starts to fall into place, Master is finally going to have ALL of me, if you know what I mean.

And that’s a very nice thought. This transition is ridiculously hard, but it’s going to be sooooo worth it in the end. And dang, we’re just about there now!

🙂

Well, we’re all moved in. Kinda, sorta.

I’m spending time between my daughter’s place and Master’s. As some of you know, my daughter is autistic and mentally challenged. Master’s idea was to get her her own place very near to ours. She has a lovely one-bedroom apartment (with stairs! How cool is that?!) half a block from us. She adapted to the new place fast. Faster than I, as a matter of fact.

I’m not feeling settled at all, really. Master wants me to sift through all the boxes at his (our) place and pare it all down, which I am finding to be rather emotionally draining. I’ve made umpteen trips to Goodwill already. He’d rather have ‘our’ stuff than leftover stuff from my old life. And I get that. It’s just hard. I never thought I would be so attached to things like bowls and knives.

I’m afraid I probably oughtta trade in my slave card these days.

Too many changes at once, if you ask me. It’s all rather unsettling. My daughter came down with a raging sore throat/sinus/cold thing and feels miserable. I’m at her apartment attempting to make dinner… fishing through box after box looking for garlic powder, etc, even though she doesn’t want to eat. Master is out of town.

I finally landed a job here though. So that’s good news. And I should close on my house in two weeks. Finally!

Master is making me work, work, work though, to replenish my bank account because getting out of that mortgage is going to cost me. I am basically breaking even on the sale price of the house. except for the closing costs which are steep.

I just want things to slow down to a more normal, even boring pace. I am exhausted from all the changes in my life lately. I wanted this, but the process of getting there is just draining.

Give me a dull routine already!

I keep my car at Master’s garage. But sometimes I need it at the apartment, so I park on the street there. But there is a two-hour time limit, and I have to remember to move my car and return it to Master’s or risk getting a parking ticket. Kind of a pain in the ass, but worth it because parking in the garage at K’s apartment is quite nice (it’s underground and heated), but costs $120/month. So I am doing a bit more walking back and forth. (Shut up, I know it’s good for me. :p)

I know Master is trying to help center me. I spend some nights with my daughter and some with him. The nights with him he pulls me in close by my chain and reminds me that we finally are where we worked so hard to be. And I know this. But it’s scary. And different. And I feel out of place sometimes. Especially when his kids are there.

I hope it get comfier soon.

It will…..

won’t it?

I need some motivation. I wish you could buy it online or something and have it delivered. I’m even too lazy to run out to the store and buy some.

I have about a week off and need to start packing. Anyone want to help me? I have lived here 16 years. I guess we don’t have too much left to pack since two of my four bedrooms are almost empty. It’s all the closets and the basement. Oh, and the kitchen.

GROAN!

Unfortunately, today is not a great energy day as I worked 12’s four out of the last five days.

Here I go.

Watch me.

….

Really…!

…

Zzzzzzzz…….

Got approved and moving from a 2200 sq.ft. home to a roughly 700 sq.ft. one-bedroom apartment with my daughter.

Yes, a one-bedroom. Either Master expects me to sleep on the couch a lot, or he is moving me in with him without saying as much, lol. It’s just half a block away from Master’s place. We showed my daughter over the weekend. She is cautiously excited about moving ‘far away’ and to the ‘city’.

It’s actually going from the far north suburbs to a suburb bordering the city. It is more city-like than where we come from.

I am getting rid of most of my stuff. There is just no room. I feel like I am being stripped down to just his. Having to give up so many belongings. Being moved into a place without a room of my own even. Gaaaahhhh!!!!

More freaking out, lol.

I have an offer on my house. Contract is signed. Due to close at the end of June.

That’s it. I’ll be moving out of my house. No more buffer. Plan to move to an apartment a block or so from Master’s with my daughter, and eventually make the move over to his place leaving the apartment to my daughter.

Why am I not jumping for joy? I am on an emotional roller coaster for some reason. I’m elated, I’m depressed, I’m fearful, I’m downright panicky. I worry I am making a huge mistake. Master finds this a little distasteful, but I can’t help it.

I have an awful headache. I have eaten a ton of toast. (Don’t ask me why. It’s a carb. I guess that’s reason enough.)

Plus, my son moved away a few months ago. Away as in, halfway across the country. I have applied to a couple of jobs closer to Master. I’ve been at this job for nine years. NINE years. That’s a personal record for me, stability-wise. One Master definitely had a hand in, or I would’ve been out of there a few years ago.

I don’t like change, I’ve decided. That’s all it is. I prefer stability. The ground is shifting under me and I don’t like it.

I remember going into a deep depression right after we bought this house. The one I am now selling. I can’t remember what triggered it back then… other than maybe feeling like we were biting off more than we could chew, financially. I don’t want this to be a repeat sort of thing. Only in reverse, or something.

Gaaaaah. “Be careful what you wish for..,” Master reminded me today.

I need some Excedrin.