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The Cartel is a Mexican nonprofit organisation founded by the very real Max Icun dedicated to selling candy. The Cartel was founded due to increasing numbers of people contracting the infectious disease known as boredom. Max realised the need for a sweet treat for the bored. To stand out from the competition, Max made the controversial move of selling a deliberate ripoff of rock candy known as "crystal meth". And so The Cartel was formed with the goal of giving candy to high school kids. They're strategically headquartered in Portland, Oregon, where the demand is strongest. As of 2026, their most popular candy is fentanyl. Made in 2006 to address bored Americans and high amounts of customer complaints, it puts the consumer in such a relaxed meditative state that the loudest alarm clocks cannot wake them. Fentanyl is also responsible for reducing customer complaints to a round 0%. Various food review sites recommend 5-MeO-DMT, which helps the consumer sleep soundly through the night, though doctors disapprove. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that guilt tripping junk mail makes up 12% of Africa's GDP? (Pictured)
- ... that Cup Stacking is a real sport? No, really.
- ... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?
- ... that Big Pharma wants to get you high?
- ... that dihydrogen monoxide is a substance found in car exhaust, pesticides, acid rain, and your energy drink?
- ... that the French Revolution was just a rip-off of the American Revolution?
- ... that it's probably not the weekend (The chance is 5/7)?
- ... that much like your cancer-stricken grandpa, the United Kingdom would rather shit the bed than accept its fate and fade into obscurity?
In the news
- THE NEW YORK KNICKS ARE ACTUALLY NBA CHAMPIONS! San Antonio Spurs out-choke them (pictured)
- Gene Shalit Gone With the Wind
- All the Whos down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot...
- UnNews fires hockey writer for bungling his first (and only) article
- Bulgaria wins Eurovision with nonsense song, fiercely warding off Israel; Albania, Croatia get robbed!
- Cats on a Plane greenlit, Samuel L. Jackson hesitant to return
- Donald Trump sends condolences to "Lon Chaney" believing he is Dick Cheney
- Dick Van Dyke mistaken for David Letterman
- UnNews shutting down - because we couldn't let Wikinews have all the fun
- Artemis II spacecraft shits itself passing the Moon
- Trump talks to America on Iran, Chuck Norris, the Moon, March Madness, and firing Pam Bondi
- World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket
- Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
- Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah
Ongoing: Peace deal getting announced in Iran.. for like the 31st time or something • All American FIFA World Cup + The Tartan Army invading Boston • Chicago Bears moving to Indiana, keeping name? What? • Jimmy Hoffa getting found??? What the fuck?
Recent deaths: The Amazing Digital Circus • Doctor Who Christmas special 2026 • Gene Shalit • Oliver Tree • The mom from ALF • "Kane Parsons is 20" memes
Upcoming deaths: Iran • Rudy Giuliani • Dick Van Dyke • San Antonio Spurs fans' livers and Wemby's ego • New York City due to Knicks fans rioting in celebration • Mitch McConnell
On this day
June 19: Synthetic Cheese Product Day (Netherlands)
- 1269 - Louis IX of France orders all Jews in his domain to take jobs in banking, law and finance.
- 1770 - Christians hope for Jesus to come soon, 'cus they have to meet with their friends at the mall in the afternoon.
- 1776 - After the American Revolution is declared, George Washington proclaims: "I've made a huge mistake."
- 1865 - After slavery is banned in U.S., businessmen unveil new mode of labor called internships.
- 1953 - Julius and Ethel Rosenberg sell state secrets to Soviet Union for a barrel of Utz Cheese Balls and four labor vouchers. (Pictured)
- 1980 - Freddy Mercury spies a little silhouetto of a man, disappointed to find a group of horny women.
- 2012 - Wikileaks founder Julian Assange leaks his ex-wife's grocery list, because the people demand to know.
Picture of the day
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Microsoft Internet Explorer's Popup Blocker has always left something to be desired. Image credit: Blah Blah Blah |
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- Community portal – for general community shenanigans
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