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Lost And Confused

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Lost and Confused

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[22 Nov 2006|12:24am]

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mood

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blah

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( LJ-cutted. Yeah.Collapse )

3 people | anybody there?

[09 Jun 2006|06:21am]

Spread your hate at:

[14 Jan 2006|01:22pm]

so. I just don't know what the fuck to do with myself and that's why I'm here.

also, I apologize for this, but

x_lovex

thankyou, I'll post something better soon.

thanks to whoever read this crap of my void...no reason to live sometimes...

[03 Dec 2005|04:52pm]

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mood

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crappy

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Hell low...

I am not sure I can find any help but in me
But do we have to be so selfish and focuse on our pain and our way out of it?
Then If I take care of myself alone,will I anybody ?
why would I need someone?

I have found out lately that Love does not exist but like a damned I go on searching and hoping for it,secretly of course as I live with my boyfriend of 4 years.

Why am I not happy?
What is my greatest lack?
is it beyond understanding?am I searching for somethin higher,some utopia,some ideals,God?

I dont even know if I can still believe in God for all the pain I have to hide and bury everyday
just have to not to be ashamed of myself and the failure I am,the failure of my life.

I somewhat sound like a teen but it worst as I am in my late twenties...I have tried therapy but shrinks suck they just put you in some category and then they give you meds and whatever!

That's also why I try to save my self alone,but the nasty side of it is that I grow distant from humanity, I feel hatred increasing inside of me and frustrations too...and I look so pathetic that I end up hating everything & myself at the same time which is of course no use...as it won't help me move on

I dont have anything
I search for a job and I ve been unemployed for 2 years and it makes me feel so useless whereas I do know I 'm worth it and that I have a good education,diplomas and skills

But we really cannot be blind to the difficult situation for youngsters in this era.
It's hard to find a flat,hard to find a job,hard to find love,hard to move,hard not to feel so hopeless

I am fighting with all my strenght but I am so ALONE.
I only have my family,my parents I mean.

I got in this depressing mode once again tonight just because I've talked to my boyfriend about getting a baby!

Don't think I am crazy!
I just want to give sense to my existence and having a family of my own is my biggest dream in this life,it's the most important to me to be a mother and give love,take care and feel useful.

my boyfriend says " we make children because we are happy not to be happy"
such crap in my face!!!

How can I be happy????
I do all I can to have a life,a job,to make my couple more alive and to organize going outs whereas he doesn t do much and we don't have money to do that often:(

I can't wait to have a situation,I feel old.
I dont care about money,I just want Love !
It's not so selfish as on the contrary I want a baby to be my center of the world and stop worrying about fuss and being self-centered in my worries and lacks...
we all have lacks I should deal with that!

I dont have any one to talk here,no friends,I have trust issues and I am surely not easy to please

The more I think about it the less I think I'll have what I want from this life and it aches so bad I just can cry and then I feel so pitiable when some people just lost someone dear to them ...how can I complain about my pathetic empty existence?

I feel angry...
I really don't know what I can do,I just always hope I will receive a phonecall for a job soon,instead of rejections all the time
I hope Prince/Princess( dont care about genre)charming will come and save me?
I am so childish...

Will I ever grow up and stop dreaming?
Well maybe sometimes i feel like a true grown ups,bitter,sad,frustrated,aware that everything is useless and love is not enough or worse maybe love is just egocentrical and self-centered in the end...

I'll never be happy.

2 people | anybody there?

[15 Oct 2005|10:56am]

Hi everyone again!
- It's been a long time since I've written and asked for advice. Last time I was livejournal and recieved a bunch of replies was back beginning of August. I just want to thank everyone for taking time and writing their comment and advices for me. they truly helped! xoxox!

But there's another delimma. I'm not going to make one of the 'longest' post that someone has seen so im going to try and make it short as possible. I'm the girl that posted about being with her boyfriend for two years and got back together in the summer and he heard rumors that I slept around and cheated on him and he didnt believe me and said some hurtful things to me that I tried to commit suicide and ended up having to seek help. Well he just completely stopped talking to me and we havent spoken or seen each other in over 2 1/2 months. Well now he started to contact me, and tried to talk and now he wants to get back together and realized he made a mistake and NOW realizes that I was telling the truth and did not cheat on him. I mean he told me it was a mistake to love me and a mistake to get back together in the summer and now he tells me he realized what he had when he lost me and never wants to lose me. He tells me how much he loves me and needs me... but he hurt me so badly that I dont know what love is that i dont know about caring and I dont know what to do. I love him and still care for him just indifferent wants. He thinks we're back together but I want to be with him but there's something that's holding me back. I mean he LEFT me, he didnt TRUST me, he couldnt even TALK to me about it just falt out accused me of cheating and stopped talking and put me through shit. I dont know if I need time to myself or to try and slowly get back together... Im scared of getting hurt and for him to lie and I dont know what to do! I guess you can from coming back to school and starting a new life without him and meeting new people and trying to move on helped and I became adjusted to it and out of the blue right when im getting my life back on track he starts talking to me,and it's like I'm not used to this that I'm being all thrown off... and starting to get all depressed about it. I need as much help as possible please! I dont need this anymore in my life I just want to be HAPPY! I hope you guys can help!

Thanks Guys! Love you LJ!

Alex

[16 Aug 2005|09:33am]

I no longer know what to do. I've been with this guy for two years, dating pretty seriously. We met our senior year of high school things were going really well...Then we went off to College, separate colleges 3 hours apart from one another. We've been this strong dependency on each other where we would visit one another on the weekends. We loved each other so much but arguments started... The long distances were really hard. I felt depressed and would cut myself it was hard and at times I'd fly back home to be with family because I was so homesick. Anyway... we fought and fought over the stupidest things. I then transfered to the school where my boyfriend was. I did not go there because he was there.... I actually was accepted there 1st semester but didnt want to go to the same school because I felt that there would be wayy too much dependency but I transfered to get into this program that I wanted to study.

January when I first arrived things were a little cold towards one another had arguments here and there, but we had our good days. It just seems as though once we left home things started to fall apart. I mean dont get me wrong, the relationship we had was healthy. So febuary came around and things just got worse and worse and we became distant. He was upset that I was making more friends than him and I had only been there for one month. As a side note, 1st semester I did not go out at all to show that he can trust me you know... anyway so we started to do our own things. As Febuary came to an end we decided to take a break because the arguments just got worse and worse... So we hardly spoke it was really sad and upseting because he was my best friend.... I started to go and meet new people, try and make new friends it was hard because alot of the times I did not want to go out because he was always on my mind and I wanted to be with him. I guess by me not going out as much 1st smester I needed to get my energy out. He was ready to settle and I wasnt I mean dont get me wrong 18 years old I want to go out and have some fun first you know. He admitted later on he was controlling a bit but also on my part I wasnt thinking of his feelings in which I should have.

Anyway... So I had a bad experience in the past 2 years ago where ever since I've had big issues being alone with a guy. So I've always had this (i know im a dork but w.e) buddy system thing with a close friend that we'd stick together no matter what... so when a guy wanted to hang out I'd always ask to hangout as a group and I'd bring a few friends along, so what if I didnt get to know the guy one on one but at the same time, I felt more comfortable around people I knew and trusted. I kissed a guy at the end of the school year but it meant nothing at all.. I wasnt looking for a relationsihp and he commented that the kiss we had felt like his 5 year old cousin would kiss him goodbye... I was like uhhhhhh ok?!?!?! lol messed up but whatever it meant nothing. Through all this time it was hard because I kept thinking about my ex. There's a reason as well why he broke up with me. When I was at a kegger I was with friends and we were all just joking around and a friend and I for a silly reason gave the "peck" face but later on in the pic looking at it looks like we were kissing and I guess it was bad... and my boyfriend didnt know what to think and it was understandble... and he wouldnt want to talk to me... I mean my friend that was in the picture with me is gay.... so I dunno... anyway.... So summer arrived and we havent really spoken or seen each other... we lost touch or I guess you can say cut communicating for about a good month... and started to talk it was hard at first being 'just' friends but it was nice to see him than not seeing him at all.

Beginning of June, I had mentioned to him that I was sick from the pregnancy I had with him a year 1/2 ago... I dunno if it was out of pitty or because he really wanted to at first but started to hang out... later on I knew it's because he wanted to. Anyway, he held a get together where he drank ALOT with his friends and did his own thing, he thought that this get together would help me be a little happier and not to think much of the worst that could happen... so I got to see my friends and I was happy. Anyway so he got really really drunk pretty much close to alcohol poisining, everyone left to go to a party and I ended up staying at taking care of him. Yes, we were only friends and I didnt have to stay and I could have gone to the party with my friends but I loved him and still cared and I mean if I were in that position I knew he would do the same for me...so I made sure he was still breathing and he was alright. I would check up on him almost every 10 minutes... I didnt get much sleep but i was worried. The next morning he didnt remember anything so I had to tell him the entire story... since that night it was like we became closer as friends... still hard being 'just' friends but it was nice...

Later on, two weeks, I wrote him this note, because earlier in the summer he wanted to know how I felt and I didnt have the right words really so I told him I would let him know when I knew what I wanted to say... and I wrote him this letter with a card and it's like he rejected me, I was so upset and devistated but we started talking and ended up hanging out the rest of the night and we ended up sleeping together... and since then we started to fool around we didnt know what was going on, sort of confusing, it felt right at times and it felt wrong at times but we still loved each other and missed each other. We'd hangout everyday without the affection towards one another it was nice. As July came along I went to Canada for vacation for 2 weeks.... we tried to keep in touch as much but the long distance was hard because I had family things to deal with and he was working everyday. When I came back a couple days after I came back, we went out for dinner and a movie. We talked alot about our past relationship with one another and questioned how things would be. We truly opened up at dinner and at times I wanted to cry but I managed to hold it all in. Later on that evening as we were getting ready to see a movie, he asked me "why dont we give it another shot" and I was happy but surprised at the same time to hear him as that. I was not sure if I wanted to because we did argue alot in the past and was really hurt and I didnt want to get hurt again and he said that if it didnt work out we'd promise each other to remain best friends and still be there for each other.... so I said alright... it was weird to go back again to dating the holding hands and affection it was weird but took time to adapt to. So things were going well... we agreed that the relationship would only work if there was trust and communication so we started to communicate more. If something was wrrong we'd talk about it and we did. It's like we became closer in a way and I was somewhat starting to get happy or feel what happy was like. It was like a natural high...

Beginning of August his friend from school Mike, came down to visit him... and I dont really like the kid because I felt like he was a bad influence on my boyfriend but I didnt know him much so I gave it another chance to get to know him. So my bf had a last get together on a friday and alot of people showed up... we drank alot and caught up with friends it was nice... but my boyfriend didnt talk to me as much and I guess it was understandble bc there were guests but it bothered me because he'd have his hand around my friend and talked to her face pretty close... it was as though he were talking to her more than me... and I guess it was a form of jealousy but Im sure he wouldnt like it if I were like that to a guy that close to his face... anyway I got sick later on in the night and almost passed out outside.. he didnt care to see how I was and it hurt because earlier in the summer I was there for him.. and he got all upset.. an yway I tried to talk about it in the morning and he'd deny it but w.e he apologies so I was like hm ok he does care ok. Saturday night he went to his dad's house with his friend and mentioned to me that he wanted to hang out, so I invited him and his friend over and to ask other people to come but he told me they were too tired and wanted to stay at his dad's. Later on I find out they went out I just wish he was honest... We planned to go to the beach monday and tuesday so we tried to plan it out sunday night... on the phone he was cold and bitter... when I wasnt done talking he thought I was done and yelled out "BYE" and I asked if I could finish and he yelled "hurry the fuck up" and he's never like that he's always sweet and kind.. so I didnt knwo what was going on. He then avoided me for several days... I find out from a friend that my bf was avoiding me because "I slept around at school, and cheated on him" It hurt that people would say such a thing because I'm honestly not like that. I've NEVER EVER EVER cheated on him. I believe no person deserves that at all to be cheated on. and a cheater has no self dignity or respect for people. Yes I will agree that we've lied towards one another but I would never lie in a way that would hurt the relationship. I dont understand! Yes I did kiss a guy but that was when we broke up. I mean he kissed a girl in september when we were TOGETHER and told me in April... he asked me if I did anything with a guy and I should have flat out told him about kissing a guy but I didnt think it was that big... i still should have been open about it. I do remember when I came back from school I spoke to a few girls... and they thought I'd move on fast from him so I didnt want to seem like wuss or like a dependent freak on him so I made up crap that I moved on from him and got with all these guys... but I never thought that would get back to him... I mean one of my friends she even commented what a bad liar I was and knew by just looking at me that I loved my bf too much to do that... and it was silly and stupid for me to do but I just hate it when people make fun of me... and it didnt cross my mind and I should have told him but I didnt think it mattered. I mean he knows my past and he knows that I get uncomfortable around guys alone. I wouldnt be in a room alone with a guy I didnt know or a guys he didnt know like my guys friends from home I was fine because I really knew them... but he doesnt believe me.. and I dont blame him I mean people will believe the worst. If I cheated on him while we were together, why would I be around all the argument why would I stick around to try and fix it, why would i cry every night wanting to fix things with him? He yelled at me saying that he didnt hate me but I feel like he does. He told me I was a mistake everything was a mistake getting back together and loving me was a mistake.

It hurts sooo much to wake up everyday and know that everything was a mistake to him.... I mean god I should have been honest with my girlfriends... I just dont know what to do... I wrote him a letter explaining everything but he prob thinks that Im just lying and I dont know what to do... and this is where I'm asking for your advice... I never cheated on him. I did so much and went out of my way for him why would I cheat on someone I love that's what I dont get?!?!?! WHAT DO I DO!?!?! i feel like he's not going to talk to me anymore... and he hasnt. We go to the same university just live like 2 minutes away... we weont have internet or a phone right when we get there bc we will be living in a new house separate houses... do I give him his space not communicating and then stop by his place and tyr to talk to him? or let him come to me?! it's not even that i just really want to make him see that I am telling the truth... I feel like im in a movie where a crime as been committed and i'm on death row for it and I didnt even commit the crime you know... I've been crying everyday straight had no motivation on going out and became suicidal... i feel like I have nothing to live for... and i havent done anything stupid because I keep hoping the next day that he will realize the truth and speak to me.. but I dont even know if he read my email that i wrote to him or not.

I NEED YOUR HELP because im starting to become depressed and I've almost done stupid things that I'm getting sent away for help before school and I just need ur help on giving me advice on what to do. He's my life, my sanity! I used to cut and was depressed but he helped me stop and he taught me what love was and he was my best friend and it's like a huge part of me is missing... please help... - as many people as possible would be nice to hear just to see what you guys say I would truly appreciate it.... as you can see I am truly upset... and falling into a depression over something stupid I did... from now I im sticking to the truth and not making up stuff just to try and make myself feel better... and to be honest no matter how much people will make fun of me... it was a mistake and he's never going to believe me. I just hope that one day he realizes that I was telling the truth.... I pray.

[09 Aug 2005|11:09pm]

x__________lost

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mood

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lonely

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would you trade everything you have for a chance of something you've always wanted? even if that meant you could never get it back again.

comments&friends>>gold

3 people | anybody there?

[20 Jul 2005|10:29pm]

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mood

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confused

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Hey everyone im not sure what to write this first time around, but i'm really happy that i found this place and hope to figure out whats wrong with me i just dont know what im doing any more.

Lookie my results....

[08 Jul 2005|09:43am]

[

mood

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accomplished

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Take the quiz: "Which Marilyn Manson Single Are You?"

The Fight Song
You are The Fight Song from the Holy Wood (In the Shadow of the Valley of Death) album. You don't believe in god or any of that shit. You also like to piss off adults and parents. You're your own person, and you kick ass! Fight!

I pretend that i want you for what is on the inside but when i get inside i just want to get out...

[08 Jul 2005|09:09am]

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content

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Well i had a pretty good day yesterday. Certainly was a step up from the past few weeks(At least the days away from my bf). But anywho We spent the day together and watched movies then decided to go to a music shop and look at guitars. He told me what kinds thier were and what they did and told me to start out with an acoustic guitar and that he would probably buy me one for Christmas! I told him i would choke him and we argued about it for an hour! lol was fun. Then my best friend came over and we indulged in kick ass music and discussion about our sweeties and our recent feelings. Was good also. Woke up and went to my babysitting job. Now i'm watching kids. Thier behaving though so that's really cool. I've been kinda down in the dirt lately but i'll get over it sooner or later. Well i dont have much to say *loves*

Don't know what to say....

[06 Jul 2005|09:16pm]

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Hello, I'm Wyndsong, 21 year old and completely lost in life. I'm not sure exactly what to put here in my first entry, but I will say I'm glad there is a place for me to go. I look forward to talking you guys, and hopefully getting a bit of help myself. If anyone is interested in a conversation, about anything, please feel free to get a hold of me

(MSN : wyndsong12@hotmail.com)

3 people | anybody there?

[06 Jul 2005|11:22am]

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accomplished

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My name is Chailee and i'm new to this community. I joined it hoping to meet new people that can understand the things i'm going through and are willing to work together and build strong friendships. I enjoy helping others with thier problems alot of the time but i suppose everyone needs help every once in awhile anyways i hope you'll accept me and i look forward to your comments and posts. Loves

1 people | anybody there?

[11 Jun 2005|12:03am]

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Hi my name is Stephanie and im new to this community. I was happy to see that there were a bunch of peopel who felt as lost as i do. I've been having problems with a bunch of my friends and what it all boils down to is that i care about each and every one of them, and about their feelings, but they dont give a shit about me. I get ditched by them alot and really dumb shit like that. It really hurts me, because i am very sensitive to being left out. infact, being alone is mmy worst fear. I think it has something to do with my dad leaving when i was really lil (although its been a few years...a few short years since him and my mom decided to get back together after I hadnt seen him for over 2/3 of my life) I dk its still surreal having him and i dont feel any closer with him than i did when he was gone so i dk. but i think thats had and effect on my and i am completely and utterly terrified of just having NO ONE. and then when im feeling badly, i go into these lil mini depressions where i cry, i dont eat, and i wallow in self pity. after i do it though, i always feel so gulty, because I feel like im overreacting . so many people have alot larger problems than i do, and that i am really lucky for everything i have...but i still cry for everything i dont have...someone who cares.

2 people | anybody there?

[24 Feb 2005|10:55pm]

first_breath_11

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mood

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depressed

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sometimes one of the most difficult things is not knowing to help a friend...i love you...

1 people | anybody there?

[07 Nov 2004|02:56pm]

tattereddreamer

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calm

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Join
tearsyoucry
tearsyoucry

♥♥♥

[27 Oct 2004|04:23pm]

fucccck. i was walking home from school today, wiht a shoelace wrapped around my left hands wrist, cuz i kinda cut it a buncha times. so i was eating with that hand, and planning to walk aroudn the block once more, to burn calories. so my mom opens teh door and goes, "*name* wehre are you going" so i go in and say "why are you wearing that" cuz shes wearing a wierd outfit adn point with my left hand, annd my shoelace had risen up. i mean it covered half the cuts, but not all. so she goes "wats that" and she grabs my wrist and i said "oh me and phoebe got in a scisor fight today and seh cut me" adn she goes (while my aunt walks in all surprised) "but theres a ton of them" and i go "i know wwe were fighting a lot and seh kept on, but i accidently cut her to. " and then i walk into the kitchen and try to act all cool, and since they are doing some clay thing i am talking about it, asking questions, then i walk upstairs.

but i dunno if my mom is gonna talk to me when my aunt leaves, or even tell my dad. i wrote a note on my door that says "i needed a nap. illc ome in when i wake up" and i locked the door. my music is on, so if i type they cant hear. im just afraid. coverup dosnt cover it. haha fuck. like ya think this makes ya sadder?

but what do i say when they confront me, unless by some miracle they dont?

4 people | anybody there?

i need to stop talking about me.

[23 Oct 2004|01:28pm]

4 people | anybody there?

[18 Oct 2004|11:54am]

extrememoderate

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indescribable

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I just wanted to let you all know about a great new community for lonely and depressed college students (or college aged students). They are lacking in membership so please check out the lonelycriers community. Thanks!

[17 Oct 2004|02:48am]

[

mood

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cold

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like me.

[10 Oct 2004|09:17pm]

one of my best friends moved away...again...and now i get a phone call from her mom saying she is in the hospital because of depression. I was on her call list and i could only call between certain hours. when i called she was already on the phone and the othere times i could have called i was workink. all i want to do is talk to her and know how she is doing. i miss her and it seems like i am never going to see her again. i know i will but in the back of my mind i know there is a chance i wont and that scares the shit out of me

1 people | anybody there?

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