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Wednesday, August 19th, 2009
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5:48 pm - poem,,,
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lovelife7778
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i am alone
the words from my mouth echo through the dark
i cant hear any footsteps
no everlasting mark.
my ears are slightly ringing
trying to hear a sound
no whisper in my ears
no tiptoes on the ground.
i hear someone crying
somewhere off in the distance
someone sad like me
someone in love with resistance.
i try to move closer
but i tend to stray
my own heart beating
i move farther away.
i stumble very often
and rest quite a bit
in my dreams i hear her calling
as my head has a fit.
my heart is slowly dieing
i can feel it slowly burn
i miss the sky completely
wondering when it'll be my turn.
my wings have disappeared
as have all that are in this place
we died long ago
with tears on our face.
i do remember flying
just floating in the sky
and looking at her after that
thinking i could die.
but happiness doesn't kill you
its the lose that tears your heart
the thought of defeat
and living worlds apart.
i lived a life of love
and i died a death of sorrow
and here time stops
so theres no hope to fly tomorrow.
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, January 14th, 2009
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3:03 am - hello?....
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2:58 am - hello?....
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| Friday, October 3rd, 2008
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3:10 pm - Slowly but Surely.
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sadisticnoxious
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Take a deep breath in...Now release.
One more time.
Take a deep breath in... Now release.
Understand this, I have no peace.
Nothing comes with the calm
release.
I feel so much anger. I feel so much
spite. I hate you all I'm about to
ignite.
You held me down long enough. Please
don't take me for granted, It's not
a bluff.
You made me feel like nothing. You
made feel so small. I'm so mad, I'll
have you all in my enthral.
Cut me open make me bleed. You tried
to make me brake, you tried to
make me recede.
It was easy to say I don’t care.
That I don’t mind that nothing
is fair. That life hurts and I want it
to end. I want my mind to comprehend.
To see that no one is there to fight
my crusade. To try and understand
who’s the renegade.
Knowing this, here I'll stand. As
though it was already planned.
I leave with this in my head.
Watch it...watch where you tread.
SadisticNoxious
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, September 29th, 2008
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6:04 pm - Get Away
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sadisticnoxious
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I'm tired of living, I'm tired of Hope.
I 'm tired of trying to find the strength
to cope.
I hate who I am, I hate what I have
become. I hate feeling my whole body going
numb.
I'm lost to love, I'm lost to reflection.
I'm lost to my only direction.
I don't know who I am, I don't feel loved.
I feel like I'm pushed and shoved.
Don't you see me! Can't you hear my pleas.
Fuck it! Who cares! Certainly not anyone
by me.
SadisticNoxious
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, September 23rd, 2008
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12:02 am - To Who Cares.....
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sadisticnoxious
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It has been a long time since I have last wrote here, Life has been one struggle after another, and yet here I am. I have no idea if anyone that I once knew are still here. I hope to hear from you.
Legs tired arms in pain. I hope to say
That it was not in vain.
Eyes closed head hung low. My life has
finally plateaued.
Feeling cold feeling sad. Tired of
using my arms as sketch pads.
Don't touch me don't look at me. What
ever would be will be.
So lonely so tired. Hope I show you
all what has transpired.
I'm so sad I'm so weak. My throat is
so dry it's hard to speak.
I feel empty I feel finished. It's
like my life has finally diminished.
I know it doesn't sound done, but if anyone understands....there's nothing more that can be said.
SadisticNoxious
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, March 22nd, 2008
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2:19 pm - Ugh
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concretengrace
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So, I'm 21 and my dad just died a week ago, four years to the day of my mother's death. My mother's death was expected, but his death was so sudden. I'm still in shock.
I went to the funeral Thursday and now I'm back at school trying to deal with all that I'm feeling. My brother's 18 and in college, but my sister's only 12 and living with our stepmother, who hates all of us so we're trying first off to get my aunt to have custody of her. Then we have to go through the will.
My mother's death was nothing like this for me. I'm so upset and I can't stop crying. I feel so devastated. I can't believe how much harder this is for me. I mean, I never thought it would hurt this badly.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, January 21st, 2008
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9:53 pm
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mellowemi
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If anyone has gone through losing a parent to cancer and felt hopeless. Please read this. This is a post from my jounal and i just do not know what to do. If you have advice please let me know.. i just don't know what to do anymore.
( Read moreCollapse )
current mood:  guilty
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, January 19th, 2008
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6:24 pm - Inexorable
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arachnerd
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I've never posted anything here before, so, Hello to everyone. This is something I wrote Friday night.
The days flow by, as
inexorable as the acid feel of ripping skin
between bleeding fingers.
Inflammatory process, step-by-step
cycle, the eternity of self injury
with the gnashing of imperfect teeth.
The spotless mirror gifted me the
blurred reflection of wasted days.
Chalk-white pills unfurled behind my
eyes like tiny pastel flags. This beauty,
slow and pink, was like a phosphorescent caress.
Bitter taste took residence in the back of my throat,
but it never lasted long enough.
current mood:  anxious
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, January 10th, 2008
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5:34 pm - hey everybody
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brokenimage11
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i know a lot of people here write poetry. i've read a lot of the poems posted on here and they're pretty powerful. anyway... i started an ezine and i was hoping to get some people who are interested in writing to join it. i really don't mean to spam but i figured it would help everyone let out some steam by joining the contests on writer's cafe. the winners are published in the ezine.
 cafe_writers
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, December 27th, 2007
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4:02 pm - do you feel this way, cuz this is for you
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1heartapart
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I can see you
You’re devastated
Feeling drained
And completely hated
I feel your sadness as you walk past
And your self esteem melting fast
I see you confusion
Thoughts of how people can smile
While you look at him
And your heart demands denial
I worry for you
Yet I never knew your name
I once envied you
But it was all in vain
Nothing even occurs to you
While you demand answers from god
Not even that someone
Cares for you a lot
I hear cries even if they are internal
And I see you mind
Just traveling in circles
Can you feel me throwing faith your way
will you give your life a few more days
I know you’re debating
Giving up or giving in
Repenting for mistakes
Or seeking revenge
They’re like a tug a war
Taking place in your heart
But only you can pick up
The fallen parts
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, December 12th, 2007
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2:27 pm
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hang_in_there
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"There's no hope for you." The person who is supposed to love and support me and accept me for who I am.
I'm fucking getting that tattooed.
current mood:  cold
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, November 14th, 2007
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4:14 pm
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hang_in_there
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I know its not healthy, but I don't care, but I do. I want it to consume my life, but I don't.
Part of me wants to be this skinny, beautiful, delicate little twig; fragile and sickly and weak; someone needed to be protected. my idea of beauty. I want to control and purge and restrict, be light and airy.
But part of me knows its stupid; I AM SKINNY; I'm 5'4'', 120 lbs. I enjoy having energy. I enjoy wrestling my 230lbs. boyfriend and winning. I don't want some stupid thing like that to consume me; i've got far more important things.
So I'm just trying to find a happy medium. Thats all.
I have a bad tendency to starve when I'm depressed, eat when I'm happy. Neither one is good; when I'm happy, I feel so good I could eat a bucket of ice cream. But when I'm depressed I starve; I make myself suffer so everyone sees my pain. So I guess in that aspect I have a depression triggered eating disorder? I dunno.
Sometimes I feel like a failure, a loser who won't do it because she can't handle it. That if she really wanted it, she'd stop being such a pig. But then I have to say to myself; "dude, you're 120 lbs."
Sometimes thats good enough for me; sometimes its not.
current mood:  contemplative
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, November 9th, 2007
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11:38 am
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hang_in_there
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So work still isn't giving me enough hours; and as if that's not bad enough, i had to call in today and tell them i couldn't come in because I didn't have a ride. my bass was pissed, I could tell... damnit, i just screw up.
I think Evy thinks I'm not trying. He denies it, but he's working so much longer and harder than I am. I always told myself I'd be the responsible one, the one working long hours and keeping food on the table. Damn I feel like a lazy bitch.
I'm always trying to be the "responsible one"; the one who gets her work done, helps others, and everyone likes. In school I always strived for perfection, anything for a good grade and some praise. I enjoyed being called the "responsible one", the one who never got yelled at, the one that the dumber kids were jealous of, I guess the "teacher's pet"... it wasn't that I was trying to kiss ass, I've just always wanted to prove myself, that I can do it, that i'm better.
In work I always go out of my way, even if most of the time no one notices. I live for that praise, that acknoledgement, that I'm kaing a difference, that I'm excelling.
I used to always be that way; I worked every free second of my life, got my schoolwork done, gave it my all. I was always the top employee; the one the superiors adored, the one my coworkers resented but secretly envied and strived to be like but never could. because I have DEDICATION. I work hard even if it doesn't do much... anything to prove my worth, anything to earn my keep.
And now Evan is working his ass off all the time, and most of the time I sit on my ass on LiveJournal. I'm trying to get more hours, i'm trying to get other jobs. i swear I am.
It doesn't help that I've been really tired lately. I guess I'm losing weight; and becoming more pale and weak, according to Evan. I am anemic and I have circulation problems, so i get cold easily and its difficult for my body to heat itself.
I've always suspected I've had health problems. I used to be such a hypochondriac, but I eventually just gave up trying; gave up worrying. if i'm sick, i'm sick, and I'm just going to ignore it and work through it. I just see myself as sort of sickly and weak... but I always try to be strong and tough, and not let anyone except my loved ones see me when I'm down.
current mood:  bored
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, November 1st, 2007
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4:40 pm
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| Monday, October 29th, 2007
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7:06 pm - Missing
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myavino
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Today, I was feeling really down. Sometimes I feel down and I don't always understand the reason or why. Does this happen to anybody else?
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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8:38 am - emo quotes/poems i wrote
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hang_in_there
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I ran away to get away from that town
the pain, the memories
and got away just before the fire burned it all down
You say I'm crazy
That I'm deluded
when in fact
I'm merely
dissilusioned
You knew what you were getting into
he told you all along
he was your best friend
he knew me best
you should have listened to his warnings
Because I'm an error
I'm a mistake
I'm broken now
its just too late
current mood:  depressed
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, October 27th, 2007
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2:45 pm
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hang_in_there
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sometimes I feel like I just can't do anything right.
Like, no matter how hard I try, I'll never be good enough. I'll always mess up, i'll always do something wrong.
Its like I'm so behind everyone else; everyone else is so much better, so perfect.
I always make mistakes, and I regret it. I try to fix it, but its too late, the wound is already there, and it will leave a scar forever. A reminder to the people I love, and to myself, that I've screwed up in the past, I've screwed up now, and I will always, always screw up.
And even if they say they forgive me, I know they'll always remember it. Another tally on the list of reasons why I'm broken, imperfect, messed up, damaged goods.
current mood: depressed
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, September 19th, 2007
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3:52 pm
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stillshattered
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i wrote this a while ago, found it on my myspace...it relates to a lot of what i'm going through right now.
"RELAPSE"
I'd been clean for almost seven months
I think maybe you were finally proud of me
Until I broke the other day and picked up the knife
I'm sorry for being so Goddamned weak
It's so hard not to hate yourself
When you know exactly how worthless you are
And that's part of the answer to your question
Of why my right arm and legs are covered with scars [R.E.M. says, "Everybody hurts"
Even Superman can suffer death by Kryptonite
I'm far weaker than some comic book hero
What cripples me is my very life
So I'll cut again tonight] I've practiced smiling for you till my face hurt
But I can't fake it anymore
Every night I cut my pain away
Because I can't take it anymore
I'm sorry that I let you down
But you really should have known
That while it's true I'm still clinging to you
I'm slowly drowning on my own [Chorus] I'm so tired of being tired
It takes so much more each day just to make it through
And I want to put myself to rest but I can't
Because of the promise that you made me make to you
My interior is at it's weakest
My exterior is starting to break down
And I'm still trying each night to make you see
You'd be so much better off without me around [Chorus] © kathryn 2006
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, September 18th, 2007
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4:28 am
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stillshattered
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it' s 4:30 in the morning, a time when i normally would be sleeping, but...i can't.
and i ask you to forgive me, because i am going to swear a lot in my posts.
and, as it's 4:30 in the morning, this is probably going to be disjointed. if nothing makes sense...sorry.
i've been struggling with depression/self-injury/suicidal thoughts for years. the earliest that i can remember actually trying to do something about any of this is seventh grade (so i would've been about 12), when i cut myself for the first time. later that year, i also attempted suicide for the first time.
needless to say, i didn't succeed.
i'm now 23, and it's been a long, hard road.
i haven't si'ed since april, mainly because of my boyfriend's tendancy to completely freak the fuck out when i do. i just feel like, i deal with so fucking much (which is why i si), that's one more thing that i don't fucking need.
and i'm so fucking tired. all the time
i am tired of:
--hurting all the time (and pretending i don't).
--not wanting to talk about what's bothering me, and not having my roommates respect me when i say so. yes, i understand that they care. yes, i appreciate that they care. but if i say i don't want to talk about it, i mean that i don't fucking want to talk about it.
--fake-smiling (which i'm required to do for my job. i work at speedway, and we're supposed to be "friendly, fast, and clean."). it makes my face hurt.
--wanting to sleep all the time, because that's the only time i'm not focusing on how shitty i feel, and then getting grief from said roommates because i sleep the day away. plus, my room is in the basement, which is perpetually dark, so sleeping all day is really fucking easy to do.
mostly, though, i'm just tired of being tired.
i'm starting to feel suicidal again.
and i'm scared.
when i was cutting...i realize that it wasn't at all a healthy way to relieve stress, but it was at least an outlet for me.
now i don't have any outlet for the negative shit i'm feeling/going through.
and i'm scared that since i'm bottling it all up, i'm going to eventually explode and do something messy and self-destructive.
understand, please, that it's really, really hard for me to even admit that i need help, let alone ask for it, which is why i can't talk to my boyfriend about it (which, i'm sure, drives him up a fucking wall). it's hard, you know, because he loves me so fucking much, and i know he does, and i know he just wants me to be happy and okay. even if i'm not always okay, i know he wants me to be able to talk to him about things. but i have such a hard time verbalizing how i feel...i feel that just saying, "i feel sad but don't know why," or "i'm hurting right now, but i don't think there's anything in particular that makes me feel so bad," isn't enough to satisfy his questions.
and i'm not even sure, right now, that i want to get better. i really just want the badness to stop.
♥kat
current mood:  stressed
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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