Hmm...of the Day
"Those who will not reason are bigots, those who cannot are fools, and those who dare not are slaves."
-Lord Byron
I. The Trappings of Life
In my search of communities, I failed to find one that really piqued my interest. Having decided that too many were too specific and lacked the necessary criteria, I chose to create my own. I realize that its members will probably only consist of me but hopefully it will become a forum for thoughts and ideas. My vision is that it will be a place where people can discuss shit [anything from philosophy to current events to new shoes] and just post news and going-ons in life. Maybe, an Algonquin Round Table for the masses. Hell, i'll consider it a success if just one person joined. Anyway, here it is:  dawn2dawn; there's also a link on my info page.
II. Am I awake in dream or sleeping through life?
Sometimes, events just happen in my life where i think, "holy shit, is there some mystical energy driving the universe?" Events that are so random and happen-chance that it feels like a dream. this happened friday. i got off work and met up with my cousin, austin, to hit the mall. I abhor malls and avoid it as much as i can but i decided to go with him to find some clothes and shoes. while walking around natick mall, i bumped into a face from my past. it was my old girlfriend, francesca. we used to work in Lord&Taylor's like 6 years ago and haven't talked much in the interim much less see one another [i could expand on this if need be]. but we started walking around and shopping for a while and caught up on our lives, she's still just as beautiful as when i last saw her. afterwards, Francesca and her friends invited austin and me to join them to go see willard. since both of us had no plans for the night, we went. the flick wasn't bad, better than i expected [willard actually shook the image of george mcfly out of my head, now i picture crispin glover as the dude with the rats] we had nightcaps at bennigan's after the movie and francesca invited us to a party sat. night. over the course of the night i felt the spark that we had all those years ago (it was in the touches, her smile, the way she was talking to me, like it was just us on a date) but i was hesitant to talk about it; it's been so long, she couldn't feel the same way, all these 'signals' were just how she is. well, my cousin bricked on the party and i called Frannie to tell her i don't think i'll make it either (i gave her the reason that i hated parties where i didn't know anyone, which is so true). but she didn't want to hear it so she suggested that i pick her up and we go together. driving to her apartment, i was so nervous without knowing why. thoughts raced in my mind and my hands were clamming up but as soon as i saw her, i felt at ease, it was the same feeling as the night before, like it was just us. we drove to the party with her roommate and without extraneous details, the party was ok, people there were having a good time and most were pleasant, but throughout the whole night i was looking at her even when people were talking to me (always smiling back whenever she noticed). i just wanted to take her aside and profess my thoughts and feelings to her, but i didn't want to damage a burgeoning friendship (last thing i wanted was to scare her out of my life now). after a couple of hours, i went out for a smoke. i was watching the steam rising from the melting snow and warm patio, like spirits lifting into the dark night. the drips from the roof eaves broke the silence. she came out and we sat on a bench and talked. i'll confess that i wasn't doing much listening, i was watching her lips curl and move while forming words, her eyes reflecting the night, her hands dancing (she talks with her hands). she gave a shiver and i offered my coat; as i put it around her, i leaned it for a kiss. expecting her to motion away, i was pleasantly surprised that she stayed and kissed back. memories rushed back and a settling went through my body. we stayed out for a while longer (i wanted to say what i felt but nothing came out) and then she asked me back to her place. still unable to speak, i just nodded. without turning this into a romance novel (if i hadn't already), i stayed the night. and as i sit here at my computer putting my thoughts down, i'm left to wonder if i should pursue this. am i just clinging to a memory of young love, a summer romance? surely, we both must have changed; the cycle of seasons has turned over 6 times while we've been apart.
was last night a night of closure or the beginning of our new relationship?
if we're not together, can we still maintain a friendship?
did i blow everything by sleeping together?
{sigh}...these questions and countless more are gonna plague me for a while. but it felt good putting this down, perhaps clarity would come as a result.
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bored
mischievous
