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I work in Information Technology (IT.)

I've had a fascination with computers my entire life, until I began working with them as a career, but, more on that later.

Does anybody remember Angelfire?

Angelfire was a free website hosting platform that allowed you to have a free website, provided you didn't mind having an ad, and could code it yourself (which I could.)

The first Journal of Anonymous was my site, on Angelfire, circa 1996.

When I began writing, I realized that in order to make this truly anonymous, I would need to change people's names. Therefore, this entry is the Cast of Characters, and will be updated as I need to.

Janice — A scientist friend who I have a crush on

Jay — My best male friend

Calix — My ex girlfriend, a long distance relationship with a married woman

We can start there.

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I'm used to self-isolation. While at different times of my life I have lived with others, the last 15 years or so have been me, largely living alone.

I want a relationship. My entire life, its all I have wanted. My dream is to become married. Or....it was. 

At the same time, I find relationships that have no possible way of working, like long distance, or in the case of my last one, with a woman who lived across the country and was fucking MARRIED. Most people don't do that.

In my defense, I legitimately thought Calix was going to get a divorce and we would be together. I made mention of it quite often, but I guess I just fooled myself into believing it would happen, and now legitimately question my own sanity. 

I still don't understand exactly why I am so needy for this, and I don't understand why I put this blockade up, of trying to get an impossible relationship.

I haven't had sex in almost 2 years. I have a nightly relationship with my hand and porn. Forget sex, I miss TOUCHING someone. I miss getting kissed, getting hugged. Touch is incredible, and not having it sucks.

Enough for right now. Next entry: Change.

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"Spoken Sideways and Indirect /Without a Single Word Left Unchecked
And By Your Own Admission / No One Is Ever Above Suspicion
Defenses Never to Be Let Down / The Lies Readily Abound,
Gaping Jaw Tightly Wound"

— "Desolation," Randy Blythe