Crazy religous people
Little story I came across
Well, yesterday I was very eager for Thanksgiving I decided to wear my turkey pajamas! I went to sleep and had wonderful dreams of the day to come. I slept and slept and slept some more. Then I woke up! And to my surprise it appeared that someone had put glue in my pink tightie whities! It wasn't as sticky as glue, but it was probably still glue.
Anyways, I got up, took off my turkey pajamas. I walked in front of the mirror nude to see, to my dismay, that my tralala was very red! It started to itch very badly. I just slapped on some weird lotion I found under my daddy's bed the other day that said "lube" on the front. Hm, what a weird name for a anti-itch lotion! I then went to my wardrobe, which my Barbie dolls were ontop of, and found some clothes. These clothes were the best I had, they could make you wet yourself if you even began to think how beautiful they were. I put on my purple Barbie shirt, frilly, pink underwear, and my blue shorts. I was so beautiful!
I then went into the bathroom, found my He-Man toothpaste, squeezed the blue substance onto my Blues Clues toothbrush, and brushed my teeth. I looked at myself in the mirror and kissed my mirror image. This felt a little awkward, but my shorts seemed to get tighter for some reason. Deciding that it was time for breakfast, I skipped happily downstairs singing Christmas songs.
"Happy Thanksgiving," I said to my joyful, all who were waiting eagerly for me at the breakfast table. "Hello, son." Daddy said in a weird, monotone voice. Sister perked up, ran over to me and gave me a big bear hug!
"Brother, you have finally awoken from your restful slumber," her voice went down to a soft whisper, just as soft as the crisp snow which had started to fall outside "Brother, I took away your virginity last night, aren't you proud?"
I stuttered on those words. I was in shock she said such a vile word right in front of mother and father! So I responded hastily "V--virginity? What's.... that? I mean, I know it's a dirty word which angers God... but I don't know what it means!" Mommy and daddy were staring at me like I had just grown a horn! Sister just sighed at me and sat back down at the table and took a big drag of her ciggarette.
"Dear and beloved son of mine. God has blessed us with this day to honor those we love. We shall say a beloved prayer in honor of those who have passed on to hell." Mother said, in an over-joyous mood. We all bowed our heads like mother had instructed us to do so years ago. She began to speak once again. "O Lord, we, your humble servants are sinners. We are very bad people. We do not wish to go to hell with the rest of the world. Please allow this family passage into Heaven, if no other."
"Amen." We all said in unison. Sister was hacking up blood.
"Uh, hunny, shouldn't we take Laura to the hospital? That cough sounds pretty bad and the blood doesn't look to good either." Dad said in quite a serious tone while re-positioning his glasses. Moments passed.
"Umm... dad? Why are you looking at me? Mom is over there!" I directed my father's gaze over at my mom with my finger, which was oddly directed at her ginormous behind.
Dad's cheeks turned a crimson hue. He seemed to be embarrased for some strange reason. "Sorry, Alex. My vision isn't what it used to be!" Dad then looked at my mother, who was conveniently sitting right across from him. "Hunny...? Did you hear what I said about our daughter?"
"Oh, yes! Of course, darling! Don't worry about our beloved daughter, Laura. The Lord will cure all her ailments only if we pray every night." Mother said in her peppy tone. Sister coughed very loudly this time and collapsed onto the table, right on top of all her discarded cigarets. Blood started flowing out of her mouth at an extremely slow rate.
I leaned across the table just enough so I could touch sister. I put my fingers on her neck to feel her pulse. I think at that instant my face turned red. Then white. Then red again.
"Mom...? Dad...?" I said.
TO BE CONTINUED!!! *dramatic music*
"Mom...? Dad...?" I sat back in my chair and put my face in my hands and started to cry. "I don't think sister will be coming back this time!" I sobbed. Mother abruptly stood up and took out her Holy Bible: Pocket Edition. She placed in on Laura's head and put her hand on top of it.
"O God, if you love me and this wonderful family, you will give my daughter her life back. Amen." She prayed.
"Well, I think we should dispose of the corpse before authorities show up. We can hoard it under my bed, where I put all my sex sup- err sexual magazines on the male anatomy." Father said, taking his flasses off of his nose and wiping them clean with a greasy table cloth.
"Right on, dad! You always have the solution to everything!" I cheered.
"I'll go take the body upstairs, okay, boys?" Questioned mom.
"K." Dad and I said in unison. Mother then proceeded to take sister's body upstairs. Father was watching mom till she dissappeared upstairs.
"Son. I have something to ask you. This is very serious." He said grimly.
I put on the same serious face he had on. "Right!"
"Were you looking under my bed a few days ago and happen to take a bottle that said "lube" on the front? Your sister was in great pain that night when I tried to penetrate her, since she cannot make any natural lubricant."
"Oh yeah! Sorry dad," I nervously said while scratching my head. "I thought it was anti-itch lotion. I'm so sorry."
"It's all right, son. Just make sure you return it after today, alright?"
"Alright!!" I yelped in joy. Mother then came down stairs wearing sister's clothes, which were a little tight around the butt.
"Gentlemen, shall we enjoy our breakfast?" She said as she sat down on the table with something that appeared to be blood around her lips. So, we ate! Boy, oh boy was that a great breakfast!
Afterwards, I went into the living room to play the hottest game on the market, Extreme Traffic Laws: Streets of Amish Country. Just as I was about to hi-jack a horse and buggy, mother storms into the room and shuts the game off. "MOM!!! I was just about to hi-jack that horse and buggy!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.
"That game was made by the devi1! All games are! They will corrupt your mind and make you do horrible deeds!" She said in her soccer mommish attitude. "Come, we must go to your aunt and uncle's for Thanksgiving dinner."
I wiped the tears forming in my eyes and went to go get in the car.
In the car, dad was in the back reading a magazine with a naked female riding a donkey. I also heard a weird fapping sound. I jumped in the car, despite of that fact. "Alex?! Don't look back here, I'm trying to get the zipper on my pants to work, alright? This magazine has a great guide on how to do it!" He frantically said.
"Alrighty, daddy!" I chirped. I closed my eyes and hummed a wonderful tune to myself. Father seemed to have a great time reading on how to fix his pant zipper, because he was moaning quite loudly!
Mother soon came out to the car and hopped in the driver seat. "Boys, are you ready?" She didn't even wait for us to answer before she pulled out of our driveway and hit the paperboy.
"Mom, I think you hit the paperboy. He looked pretty fucked up--" She then rudely interrupted!
"Nonsense! He'll be fine as long as we pray for him."
"But..." Again, she rudely interrupted me! But this time she turned around, and the car started swerving.
"No more words, you spoiled brat! The Lord will save all! There will be complete and utter silence until you reach your uncle's house, understand? And that means you too, dad!"
I curled up into the fetal position. I cried a lot. Mom was really pissed, she was running people all over on the road. Dad seemed content with the situation, he had his magazine!
TO BE CONTINUED!!!
The car ride was very bizzare. The only sounds to be heard was the car, mom's pointless rambling, and dad's ridiculous attempts at trying to fiz his pant zipper. Silly dad!
Well, anyways, we arrived at my uncle's house! After that horrible ride there, we finally made it! So, we got out of the car, after dad finally got his pant zipper fixed. Mother was hitting me on the behind multiple times telling me to tuck in my shirt, pull your socks up, don't slouch. She's very cruel to me. Father just eyed me in a sexual manner.
"Well! Shall we enter upon this household?" Mother asked us.
"Yeah. That sounds like a wonderful idea, mom." Daddy said, sounding very bored. We walked on their little side walk, and went up to their big, wooden door. I reached my chubby little finger over to ring the doorbell, which was outlined with a little Bible.
Moments later after I rang it, the beast within stirred. Its tremendous footsteps made all aware it was walking, and it should be feared. The beast started to open the door. Slowly... slowly... ever so slowly! I was about to urinate in my pants from the anticipation! Finally, the long wait was over, the beast had opened the door and he stepped out. I was shocked, mother broke down in tears, and father started to fiddle with his pant zipper again.
"Brother!!!" the beast yelled, his tremendous gut trembling. "How are ya, huh?" he screamed while reaching out to hug dad. His breath smelled like kitty litter. Ew. Father returned his grizzly hug.
Dad gave the beast the hug it wanted. The beast was deeply satisfied. "Hello, Daniel. It's been a long time, hasn't it?" Dad said, with that same old voice. BOOOORING!
The beast, which appeared to be named Daniel, hugged dad harder. "It sure has!" He redirected his gaze at me. Oh God, this is it. He's going to hug me to death. I braced myself for impact. "How is my favorite nephew?!" He said in that Santa Clausy, fat man voice. He hugged me. This is it, I could feel my innards being squeezed out of my anus like a tube of toothpaste being squeezed!
"I'm fine, Uncle Marty..." I managed to squeeze a few words out. "Uncle Marty, please stop hugging me..."
"Nonsense! I'll hug you for as long as I want!" He growled. He looked over at mom. She was crying. He had a fetish for crying women. I felt a buldge around his crotch. Could his zipper be malfunctioning, too?
He released me! Finally! Uncle Marty started to stutter when he saw mom crying. "My brother's wife is so beautiful..." He kissed her hand. "Might I have a few words with this beautiful woman in my private chambers?"
Mom dryed her eyes with a used tampon and looked deeply into Uncle Marty's eyes. "Daniel... I don't know what to say... except... yes..." Once she said that, she jumped into the beast's arms and he ran inside the house, slamming the door behind him. Father and I could hear his heavy footsteps running all the way upstairs.
"Dad.... what will Uncle Marty do to mom?" I asked him a curious tone.
"Son.. you may have a new brother or sister soon. That's all you need to know." Dad knocked on the door and asked to be let in. My cousin opened the door, a small, snow white child. I think he is anorexic.
"H..hello.... d...ear... cousin and.... u-un-uncle." He said in a sickly tone. He could barely manage to get the words out. Poor kid. Dad, being the huge dumbass he is, picked the kid up. He was crushing his organs. "P--please... stop... uncle you're.. killing me...!" With those words, he blacked out. Dad was shocked! He threw him out of his arms, and was staring at him.
"A moment of silence, son. He's in a better place now." Dad said, showing no emotion. Being the jackass I am, I just went inside. I hated that kid. Always getting all the attention just because he has an illness. I made sure to flick one of my boogers on him that I had just plucked from my nose.
As I was walking inside, the beast's wife greeted me. She looked exactly like my cousin who we just killed. Except she smoked. And smoked pot. She usually lets me smoke some too, if I get in bed with her.
"Hey you! What's shakin'? You lookin' to have sex with a turkey this year?" She took a long drag on her cigaret and blew the smoke in my face. I coughed.
"Sure am, Aunt Marty!" I chirped. Dad stepped in soon after me.
"Mary, do you know your husband is sleeping with my wife as we speak?" You should know how he talks by now.
Aunt Marty took another drag of her cigaret. "Oh yeah! You bet! He told me before he started to bang the daylights out of her! Heh heh." She coughed and almost keeled over. "Hey, where's the girl? Y'know, the one that I gave cigarets to last time she visited?"
"Oh. Mary, she died this morning. Her lungs just, well, collapsed from all that smoking. At least we'll get to be able to sleep in peace without all that coughing at night." Dad said, emotionless.
I broke down in tears. Aunt Marty dropped her cigaret ashes on my hair. It burned me. "Is that so, eh? Poor girl, should have never started smoking." She puffed out some smoke in dad's face. "Well, shall we go enjoy this fine turkey I baked... all by myself?" She emphasized the all by myself part. She was never a good cook. She burned most of the stuff. And I almost died from eating her Christmas fruit cake last year. Hopefully this will be good!
"Sounds great." Dad paused. He perked his ears up to the sount of Uncle Marty banging mom. "Ummm what about Daniel?"
"Oh, him. He'll be fine. Alex's mom should be all the food he needs, if you catch my drift. Har har har har!" She fell over from all that coughing and started to weeze on the floor. We left her alone and went into the kitchen to eat the turkey by ourselves. Once we arrived in the kitchen, we almost puked.
"Dad... we can't eat that shit. I mean, for God's sake, it is shit!" I prodded the fecal matter that was shaped to look like a turkey with my finger.
"For once, my mentally disabled son, you are right. Well, since there's nothing else to eat here, we could eat your cousin. He's got enough meat to suffice for the two of us." He said kicking the fecal matter turkey with his foot.
"Yeah, let's honor his life by eating every piece of him. Kinda like the Indians!" I yelped in joy. After that, we went to go eat my cousin!
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I sell ice cream to all the good little girls and boys who get in my van!
chipper
