FIC: Dear Sirius (2/?)
Title: Dear Sirius (part 2/?)
Author:
duva & fictionalcandie via garderob
Genre: Humor/Romance
Chapter Word Count: ~ 2300
Status: WIP
Chapter Rating: PG-13/T, for mentions of alcohol consumption and potentially objectionable content, like Sirius's editor's voyeuristic inclinations.
Spoilers: Uh, not really. It's so ridiculously AU that it kinda becomes almost completely unspoilerific.
Pairing: Pre-James/Sirius (for now).
Warnings: AU. Lots of frequently horrible advice.
Disclaimer: We are not JKR and do not own these characters — at least, not the ones you recognise. Please don't sue us, Jo!
Summary: Thrice weekly in the Evening Prophet's entertainment section, Sirius Black answers all your questions, from the mundane to the complicated to the just plain weird.
Previous Chapters: Chapter One
Notes: Just a reminder that most of the important backstory for this — where it differs from canon, anyway — can be found in the newspaper collage at the beginning of the previous section; if you're still confused about something, please ask. We post it in hopes that others will be as entertained by reading it as we were by writing it, so please let us know if you were!
London, England
26 September 1983
1.17 pm
"Sorry, sorry, sorry," Lily yells from several feet away, instead of saying hello. "Office was crazy, could not get out a minute sooner. Have you been waiting long?"
Sirius, who's already settled into their usual table at the Muggle café they like best, gets to his feet. "Not too terribly long. 'S all right. I already ordered for us, though," he declares, as she approaches to a more amiable distance. He leans in to give her a quick, sneaky kiss on the cheek, and whispers, "Lovely boots, by the way."
Lily beams at him as she settles down across from him, raising up one leg to show off her high heeled brown leather boots. "Aren't they, though?"
Sirius raises one eyebrow. "Yes, indeed. And you know they are, of course." He grins.
"Oh, I do," Lily states. "Remus didn't even notice they were new."
"Cad," replies Sirius promptly, sitting back down. "But at least that means he didn't notice you'd spent money on them, right?"
"Don't worry, I told him they were on sale for two Galleons."
Abruptly, Sirius looks scandalized. Well, he would, if one could see past his snicker. "You didn't! They couldn't have been! And he believed you?"
Lily grins very widely. "He did! I think it helps that all his shoes really do cost two Galleons..."
Sirius, dreadful footwear snob that he was brought up, fairly sneers at this. "The poor man," he mutters, shaking his head sadly. "Hasn't an idea the proper notions of comfort one should expect in ones shoes."
"I know, it's quite tragic," Lily agrees, straight-faced. "How was your day so far?"
"Dead bore, just like always." Sirius shrugs, but brightens as their food arrives. "And yours? What was so crazy about today?"
"Well, you know Calvin who I work with?" Lily asks, grabbing a roll from the basket placed in front of them by a waitress. "His wife is having a baby any day now, so his mind is completely set on that. We finally sent him home because he was more of a problem than he was of assistance."
"Oh dear. I can see how that would be bad," Sirius says sympathetically, wincing. He pauses, a forkful of pasta halfway to his mouth, and than admits with a laugh, "Well, actually, I can't! Which is rather the point, isn't it? I'm imagining all sorts of horrid magical disasters resulting from his more pressing interest in his wife... none of the actual events involve hurricanes, do they?"
"Only by sheer luck," Lily replies. "Anyway, then my boss actually passed out in the hallway..."
Sirius thinks about this suggestion for a second. "Did he? Was a wedding dress involved?"
"What? No." Lily gives him an odd look. "Why would it be?"
"No idea," Sirius replies, shrugging again. "It came next after the hurricane."
Taking a bite of her own pasta, Lily shakes her head. "Only you, Sirius."
"Well, they're rather the same things, I guess."
"Don't ever say that to a prospective wife."
Sirius makes a face, and says nothing for a minute. Then, defensively, "I didn't say the person in the wedding dress would be like a hurricane. Just the dress itself."
"Uh-huh," Lily agrees, not really agreeing at all. "So how many marriage proposals have you gotten through that column of yours today, then?"
"Eight," says Sirius immediately, in the tone of one who has counted the number more than once. Lily just shakes her head. Since he seems to agree this is an absurd number, Sirius clarifies helpfully, "Three of them were from Not-Mum's friends."
"What is it with you and the widows, Sirius?"
"I can't help it!" protests Sirius, with a very long-suffering air.
"You just have that air about you, do you?" asks Lily, blowing him a rather over-the-top air kiss. "Any actual eligible ones?"
"Well, there were two Seventh years?" hazards Sirius, grimacing over-dramatically as he thinks. "Friends, actually. Thought they'd both marry me at the same time. Seemed to think it could be a double wedding."
"Well, that doesn't sound very legal," Lily states. "Give one of them to Jimmy?"
Sirius shakes his head mournfully. "It would never do. Apparently they picked me expressly because they knew I didn't play Quidditch. Say they hate the sport. Imagine!"
"Well... it'd be fun to watch him splutter?"
"Nah." Sirius waves a dismissive hand. Looking pleased with himself, he explains "I've already sent them both very gentle, private letters of rejection. Though, I was kind enough to confess to them that my heart belongs to another, entirely unsuitable, and I am determined to die a lonely old bachelor, so I could never have married them anyway."
Lily raises an eyebrow. "What have you not been telling me?"
"Er, that I adore you?" Sirius gives her his very best, most charmingly practiced smile.
"That doesn't work on me, mister, and you know it," Lily says firmly, pointing her fork at Sirius.
"Well, really, I haven't been hiding anything," Sirius assures her genially, turning his attention back to his lunch.
"Right, you're just not sharing."
"No idea what you're talking about." Sirius takes a large swallow of his ice water. "Don't you want to know about the other three proposals?"
"You, sir, are avoiding the question," Lily states, still waving her fork around. "You'd better buy me dessert to make up for it."
Sirius's left eyebrow lifts skeptically. "Even though I'm already buying you lunch?"
"Yep."
Sirius thinks about this for a minute. "Done." He offers her his hand to shake.
"Maintaining the mystery, eh?" Lily asks, shaking his hand.
"I like to have an aura of the unknown about me, yes," agrees Sirius with another grin. Then, catching sight of the watch on her wrist, pulls her hand a little closer to get a better look at it. "Good Merlin, is that the time?"
"No, that's the Hermès watch my parents got me when I finished Hogwarts, actually." Upon seeing Sirius's puzzled look, Lily rolls her eyes. "It's a fancy Muggle brand, Sirius, your fashion god status is slipping."
"No, I was confused why you said it wasn't the time, Lils." He sends her what might have been called a glare, from or to anyone else. "You're going to be late."
Snatching her arm back from his grip, Lily glances at her watch. "Merlin's pants and Agrippa's balls!"
"An interesting combination," muses Sirius sedately.
"I am the only useful person in the office today, they're going to blow something up unless I get back there," Lily states, standing up and gathering her belongings.
Immediately Sirius makes shooing motions with both hands. "Go, go, then, my little flower of sanity and rational thought!"
Lily is already halfway to the door. "Have a nice day at the office, dear!" she yells over the commotion. "And give Jimmy my best!" With that, she blows him another air kiss, and disappears back onto the busy London street.
Author:
duva & fictionalcandie via garderobGenre: Humor/Romance
Chapter Word Count: ~ 2300
Status: WIP
Chapter Rating: PG-13/T, for mentions of alcohol consumption and potentially objectionable content, like Sirius's editor's voyeuristic inclinations.
Spoilers: Uh, not really. It's so ridiculously AU that it kinda becomes almost completely unspoilerific.
Pairing: Pre-James/Sirius (for now).
Warnings: AU. Lots of frequently horrible advice.
Disclaimer: We are not JKR and do not own these characters — at least, not the ones you recognise. Please don't sue us, Jo!
Summary: Thrice weekly in the Evening Prophet's entertainment section, Sirius Black answers all your questions, from the mundane to the complicated to the just plain weird.
Previous Chapters: Chapter One
Notes: Just a reminder that most of the important backstory for this — where it differs from canon, anyway — can be found in the newspaper collage at the beginning of the previous section; if you're still confused about something, please ask. We post it in hopes that others will be as entertained by reading it as we were by writing it, so please let us know if you were!
Dear Sirius, Did no one ever tell you it's very rude to just leave people hanging? /Padraig O'Brian Dear Padraig, Uh, yes, my mother used to tell me that all the time...? Sirius Dear Mr Black, I am a great fan of your work in the sports section of the Prophet. However, I do have one complaint to make. Whenever you review a Portree game, I feel you focus far too much on one player, and not the whole team. Their Keeper is fantastic and deserves to be discussed in greater detail. Sincerely, M. Williamson Dear Williamson, I apologise; Portree's Keeper is, indeed, fantastic, as is the rest of the team. (When their Beaters aren't hung over, that is.) Every player on the team deserves to be mentioned in equal detail. On the other hand, not every player on the team knows where I sleep. Sirius Dear Sirius, When talking about all these girlfriends and girl friends who cook for you... how come you declined to mention the fantastic, amazing, totally brilliant chef you live with? /J Dear James, Because I see you re-reading my column every morning over breakfast and I didn't want to swell your head, of course. (Besides which, your eggs are terrible... and my editor told me to stop needlessly mentioning you. She thinks you're bribing me.) Sirius Black, Has anyone told you recently you're a disgrace to the name of wizard? Anon. Anon, No, they haven't as a matter of fact. Actually, it's very infrequent that people say that sort of thing to me -- usually after I've done something despicable, like snore. Or not ask for seconds. Sirius Dear Sirius, There is this boy, let's call him Marty, who I have a huge crush on. We've been friends for ages and I don't know if he likes me back and I'm too shy to make a move. What should I do? /Aline, 18, Lancashire Dear Aline, Speaking as a person with rather intimate understanding of that sort of situation, I have to say that my advice would be... to jump him, of course! Or, if you're too shy to do that... get drunk and THEN jump him. (You can always blame the alcohol later, if you need to.) Sirius |
London, England
26 September 1983
1.17 pm
"Sorry, sorry, sorry," Lily yells from several feet away, instead of saying hello. "Office was crazy, could not get out a minute sooner. Have you been waiting long?"
Sirius, who's already settled into their usual table at the Muggle café they like best, gets to his feet. "Not too terribly long. 'S all right. I already ordered for us, though," he declares, as she approaches to a more amiable distance. He leans in to give her a quick, sneaky kiss on the cheek, and whispers, "Lovely boots, by the way."
Lily beams at him as she settles down across from him, raising up one leg to show off her high heeled brown leather boots. "Aren't they, though?"
Sirius raises one eyebrow. "Yes, indeed. And you know they are, of course." He grins.
"Oh, I do," Lily states. "Remus didn't even notice they were new."
"Cad," replies Sirius promptly, sitting back down. "But at least that means he didn't notice you'd spent money on them, right?"
"Don't worry, I told him they were on sale for two Galleons."
Abruptly, Sirius looks scandalized. Well, he would, if one could see past his snicker. "You didn't! They couldn't have been! And he believed you?"
Lily grins very widely. "He did! I think it helps that all his shoes really do cost two Galleons..."
Sirius, dreadful footwear snob that he was brought up, fairly sneers at this. "The poor man," he mutters, shaking his head sadly. "Hasn't an idea the proper notions of comfort one should expect in ones shoes."
"I know, it's quite tragic," Lily agrees, straight-faced. "How was your day so far?"
"Dead bore, just like always." Sirius shrugs, but brightens as their food arrives. "And yours? What was so crazy about today?"
"Well, you know Calvin who I work with?" Lily asks, grabbing a roll from the basket placed in front of them by a waitress. "His wife is having a baby any day now, so his mind is completely set on that. We finally sent him home because he was more of a problem than he was of assistance."
"Oh dear. I can see how that would be bad," Sirius says sympathetically, wincing. He pauses, a forkful of pasta halfway to his mouth, and than admits with a laugh, "Well, actually, I can't! Which is rather the point, isn't it? I'm imagining all sorts of horrid magical disasters resulting from his more pressing interest in his wife... none of the actual events involve hurricanes, do they?"
"Only by sheer luck," Lily replies. "Anyway, then my boss actually passed out in the hallway..."
Sirius thinks about this suggestion for a second. "Did he? Was a wedding dress involved?"
"What? No." Lily gives him an odd look. "Why would it be?"
"No idea," Sirius replies, shrugging again. "It came next after the hurricane."
Taking a bite of her own pasta, Lily shakes her head. "Only you, Sirius."
"Well, they're rather the same things, I guess."
"Don't ever say that to a prospective wife."
Sirius makes a face, and says nothing for a minute. Then, defensively, "I didn't say the person in the wedding dress would be like a hurricane. Just the dress itself."
"Uh-huh," Lily agrees, not really agreeing at all. "So how many marriage proposals have you gotten through that column of yours today, then?"
"Eight," says Sirius immediately, in the tone of one who has counted the number more than once. Lily just shakes her head. Since he seems to agree this is an absurd number, Sirius clarifies helpfully, "Three of them were from Not-Mum's friends."
"What is it with you and the widows, Sirius?"
"I can't help it!" protests Sirius, with a very long-suffering air.
"You just have that air about you, do you?" asks Lily, blowing him a rather over-the-top air kiss. "Any actual eligible ones?"
"Well, there were two Seventh years?" hazards Sirius, grimacing over-dramatically as he thinks. "Friends, actually. Thought they'd both marry me at the same time. Seemed to think it could be a double wedding."
"Well, that doesn't sound very legal," Lily states. "Give one of them to Jimmy?"
Sirius shakes his head mournfully. "It would never do. Apparently they picked me expressly because they knew I didn't play Quidditch. Say they hate the sport. Imagine!"
"Well... it'd be fun to watch him splutter?"
"Nah." Sirius waves a dismissive hand. Looking pleased with himself, he explains "I've already sent them both very gentle, private letters of rejection. Though, I was kind enough to confess to them that my heart belongs to another, entirely unsuitable, and I am determined to die a lonely old bachelor, so I could never have married them anyway."
Lily raises an eyebrow. "What have you not been telling me?"
"Er, that I adore you?" Sirius gives her his very best, most charmingly practiced smile.
"That doesn't work on me, mister, and you know it," Lily says firmly, pointing her fork at Sirius.
"Well, really, I haven't been hiding anything," Sirius assures her genially, turning his attention back to his lunch.
"Right, you're just not sharing."
"No idea what you're talking about." Sirius takes a large swallow of his ice water. "Don't you want to know about the other three proposals?"
"You, sir, are avoiding the question," Lily states, still waving her fork around. "You'd better buy me dessert to make up for it."
Sirius's left eyebrow lifts skeptically. "Even though I'm already buying you lunch?"
"Yep."
Sirius thinks about this for a minute. "Done." He offers her his hand to shake.
"Maintaining the mystery, eh?" Lily asks, shaking his hand.
"I like to have an aura of the unknown about me, yes," agrees Sirius with another grin. Then, catching sight of the watch on her wrist, pulls her hand a little closer to get a better look at it. "Good Merlin, is that the time?"
"No, that's the Hermès watch my parents got me when I finished Hogwarts, actually." Upon seeing Sirius's puzzled look, Lily rolls her eyes. "It's a fancy Muggle brand, Sirius, your fashion god status is slipping."
"No, I was confused why you said it wasn't the time, Lils." He sends her what might have been called a glare, from or to anyone else. "You're going to be late."
Snatching her arm back from his grip, Lily glances at her watch. "Merlin's pants and Agrippa's balls!"
"An interesting combination," muses Sirius sedately.
"I am the only useful person in the office today, they're going to blow something up unless I get back there," Lily states, standing up and gathering her belongings.
Immediately Sirius makes shooing motions with both hands. "Go, go, then, my little flower of sanity and rational thought!"
Lily is already halfway to the door. "Have a nice day at the office, dear!" she yells over the commotion. "And give Jimmy my best!" With that, she blows him another air kiss, and disappears back onto the busy London street.
Dear Sirius, I recently read your reply to a young woman confused about how to share her feelings with her would-be sweetheart, and I have to say I am shocked and appalled! Alcohol and drunken consorting does not solve anything. I would recommend that the young lady sits down with her intended, perhaps over a nice cup of tea, and calmly tells him how she feels. Preferably with a chaperone in the room. Then after they're married they can involve in "jumping", as you so crudely put it. (Also, a lady should never drink more than two glasses of red with her Sunday roast.) Sincerely, Fianna MacDoughal, 87 Dear Ms MacDoughal, With all due respect, ma'am, the young woman whose letter you refer to mentioned nothing about wanting to marry the bloke she'd decided she liked... I thought, as I understood the situation at least, I was being quite helpful. Sirius Dear Sirius, Who did you ever drunkenly jump? Do you make a habit out of it? /Hopeful Dear Hopeful, No-one. Yet. (Do I know you?) Sirius Dear Sirius, I'll have you know my Eggs Benedict have won awards. There is obviously something wrong with your gob. /James, who still knows where you sleep Dear James, They have not, there is not, and my editor says that if you send me one more letter at work and I actually reply to it in my column, she's going to either cut off my bollocks or buy a Muggle video camera and demand footage... which, by the way, if you can figure out what means and then tell me, I would appreciate it. Sirius, who has just realised that he also knows where you sleep Dear Sirius, You still have that bread basket you stole from our house last week. We're having R's parents over for dinner tomorrow and I rather need it back. Fix it. Love, L.E. Dearest Lils, Er, what if it's not, um, empty? Sirius, who you love so you cannot kill Dear Sirius, How many of the letters you get sent at work are of a purely personal matter? /Amused Dear Amused, Almost all of them, apparently. Seems like it's either that sort, or ones implying that I don't know how to behave properly. I am rather confused... but at least this way I don't have to worry about taking care of an owl. Sirius |
Dear Sirius, No, you don't know me. Do you want to know me? Love and kisses, Hopeful Dear Hopeful, I'm not sure. There are lots of people I know who I definitely would not want you to be. I think possibly I am scared of your enthusiasm. Sirius Dear Sirius, I have to choose my OWLs for next year and I have no idea what to pick. Any suggestions? /Sick of school Dear Sick of school, Ah, I had that problem, too. I hear that Divination is easy, if you've got a good imagination. Care of Magical Creatures is usually a fun class, if you don't mind random and unexpected near death experiences at least once a week. I took Ancient Runes, for reasons I still do not understand, and Muggle Studies, because it's easy and amusing how wrong they often are. (Not that I ended up knowing that much about Muggles. Obviously.) I hope I've been some help! Sirius Dear Sirius, As a Muggle born, I thought I should inform you of what your editor means. (Hello, editor, if you're reading this!) What she meant by the video camera remark, I think, is that she'll only tolerate your talking to your boyfriend while at work if she gets something out of it. Maybe she's into that sort of stuff. Who knows. Hope that helps! /Helene Dear Helene, Um. Wow. I really hope you misunderstood her? I think I need to have a talk with my editor now. And, er, thank you? Sirius Dear Sirius, Can you pass this on to James Potter for me? Cheers. /Prides fan Dear Prides fan, Fan mail to my roommate should be directed to the Pride of Portee administrative office. I am not his owl. (He doesn't feed me enough for that.) And his arms aren't all that buff, anyway. Don't know what you're so excited about. Sirius Dear Sirius, Which Quidditch game of the season are you most looking forward to? /Jake Dear Jake, I'm quite excited to see Portree take on Wigtown, actually. There's a bit of history between some of the Chasers that makes them especially fun to watch. Sirius |
