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[07 Sep 2003|07:20pm] |
Thingz have been more or less decently confusing.. me and Damon are or well it seems we are amazing..but as I was talking to all these diff people and thinking it just..I dunno, I dont think hes ready for the kind of commitment he says he is. Manda (thank u hunni) said that she thought he wanted t be ready for it but he just cant be or isnt ready right now. that made more sense then anything else I was thinking. little thingz ive heard about him when me n him were broken up, thingz hes said, or done..just i dont kno makes me doubt it I guess. I love him more then anything and I really think he fels the same way, well actually I kno he does. and this isnt just some kind of stupid fuked up high school romance.. The eyes are the window to the soul and everytime I look into his eyes its amazing, blows me away. his soul is sooo beautiful and alive I feel totally comfortable and safe with him.
I think that sometimes when thingz get too good for me or I think theyre going too good Ill do somthing or say something to purposely cause some shyt to happen in our relationship cuz I can hande that. Im not use to feeling happy and safe. I cant handle feeling like that because I kno if I do and I kno if I get too comfortable feeling like that and something goes wrong Ill be even more hurt, so by purposely devestating it Im saving myself. I guess Im just not entirely ready to trust him with everything I am..even though I have before and I want to all the time. itz jus wierd.
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| Finally bak in my own skin~!~ |
[06 Sep 2003|09:02pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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**well skoolz started allready and itz..well..skool. Me and Damon are bak together and its amazing. as alwayz. my drivers ed starts the 29h-day after locobazoka!!!!!!!! Im so fukin excited. damon said he wanted to take me and since he has a job now at shaws hell hav money so yay! I was actually plannin on goin ne wayz but shh. lolz well Im not sure what else there is to say I havent written ina while cuz I was grounded. knife fight wit this chick at this campground thngy in maine..almost got thrown out..beat the shit outa her.. lolz. well thatz it. cept im as sick as a dog right now, strep,a fever. blah. monday i should be fine tho so i dont even get to skip. that sux. jus my luck too. well im out.
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| Blackened skiez and campfires~ |
[15 Aug 2003|08:15pm] |
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mood |
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 devious |
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Well tomorro Im leavin at 6 am for Maine. Our destination will take approximately 4 hourz to reach and we are going out to breakfast when we leave. I dont wanna go becuz itz for a week and when I get back it will be the 23rd. Then only 4 dayz till skool startz. Im getting my hair re-highlighted and cut on the 25th. The reason I do wanna go is cuz Ill come back with a fresher tan and plus my rentz said that there are a LOT of cute guyz..lol.. jk
Damonz my sweetheart even if he did kiss that girl who I do not like and one day will probably run over with a greyhound bus. Beware you jus never know when Im gonna come and claim your soul and scoop your eyez into a jar that I will keep on top of my mantle.
...Im such a pleasant and sweet person...
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[15 Aug 2003|12:39pm] |
my skedual.. blah.. gym fuckz me up.. ne one kno ne tips cuz Im gonna hav my hair down and straightened n I guess for gym Im gonna hav to put it up but after gym what can I do to keep it looking ok down? and keep me looking allright. I hate gym. itz the devil
1-gym dubz : study-Mrs.Kogut
*second term* 1-basic tech drawing- Mr.Arnell
2-english- Mr.Bernard
3- history- Mr.McCue
4- creative writing- Mr.Nachowitz
*second term* 4- gym- Vailette : study-Mr.Browne
5- theater arts 1- Ms.Mastroianni
*second term* 5- basic art 1- Ms.Pandiscio
6- earth com- Dr.Amburgey
7- algebra 2- Mr.Rooney
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| Life*Love*And the people you want to kill |
[14 Aug 2003|04:25pm] |
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mood |
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 cheerful |
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Damon just left..he was here for about an hour n a half..We had such a good time it was totally amazing and renewing. He messaged my feet and oh my fukin god it fet soooooooo good. I hate feet, peoplez feet, them looking or touching m feet but this felt amazing. If yove never gotten your feet messaged you gotta have someone do it. Then he messaged my back and legs and I felt like I was getting the royal treatment. it felt amazing. He is an orgasmic messagist. Right now Im soooooooooo relaxed and I feel all ooo. Like right when you enter a hot bubble bath with the lights dimmed and candles lit and the fora scent. and you just feel soo oo..Thatz how I feel. He is amazing and we had such a good time with eachother. Next time I see him which should be after I get home from maine cuz im goin from he 16th-23rd I owe him a message but thaz ok. I dont mind Im a good messagist too. Maybe I should charge him lol..or start a messaging thing before skool so people will be relaxed lolz. Well maybe not but it was a fun idea thinking bout it. Thatz about it right now. I LO<3VE him and I really do think I wanna be with him again. hooray for me.
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[13 Aug 2003|09:07pm] |
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mood |
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 loved |
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Life is too short... kiss slowly, love deeply, and forgive quickly, forget the past but remember what it taught you...
I LO<3VE that~!~ I think itz awesome..well I had another convo wit <3Damon<3 right b4 I came on and me & him are sooo good right now that convo was amazing..
*Damonz mom Amy--You cant have sex wit my son
*me--But I cant help it..itz fun!! :) :)
hehez we had a funny one with that convo about me having sex with her son..shez kewl/:*:\ i miss him
<3 ya sweeti :*: till the end of time im yourz. my heart..body..n soul
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[13 Aug 2003|02:30pm] |
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mood |
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 predatory |
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As usual itz raining again..what a shock. Well we definitely are moving back to Leominster we just have to wait until everythin is set up and a bathroom redone. Itz lightning and thundering and even tho itz hot out I wish I could be out there and just stand in it and not have to think like I use to do. Now I cant stand in the rain without the thought that Im older, I know more thingz now that I didnt know back then some of which I shouldnt, everyone around me changed from who they use to be and will continue to change into the person they will become and that nothing is forever.
I want Damon back but Im afraid..what if thingz just go back to the way they use to be in eighth grade whre we couldnt get along and fought all the time while going out. I want thingz to be back to the way they were right before skool ended. That was perfect and we were perfect together and nothing was wrong. Then skool ended andit seemz everything went don in flames along with my relationship. I think Ill get back together with him tho..I do love him more then anything and I do miss him..Hez my one and only <3
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| the poem I sent to damon~!~ |
[12 Aug 2003|11:36pm] |
i wish i didnt cry
after hearing thoze wordz
i wish everythin could be fine
wish i could dry my eyez
you want to let go
I wont hold on
but inside i will
youll just never know
ill see you again
with that girl by your side
and ill hafta turn away
or else youll see me cry
inside therez more love to give
but you wont take it from me
you convince youself i dont love you
maybe to let go
so it doeznt hurt so much
but i loved you more then anything
and if time stood still
id cherish every second i have with you
id hold onto the looks in your eyez
take all the love you have inside
and try not to cry
when you whisper goodbye.
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[12 Aug 2003|11:05pm] |
*Love and Hate
Mix wth fire
Add to this my only desire
Blood and tears
Driping and hot
Slice a vein let it bleed non-stop
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| Lyricz expressing the sandz of time~!~ |
[12 Aug 2003|01:37pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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*WhY dO wE dReAm WhEn OuR tHoUgHtZ mEaN nOtHiNg*
~!~I'll confess this..you're my tragedy..I've laid you to rest..just as fast as you turned on me..gone forever..banished the memories..this phase of pleasure..are masked by your mysterys~!~
~ I'll never be the same * I'm moving back onto my ways * I'm looking for changes into my way ~
Running in circles~Confusion is calling my name~Hiding inside of this poisoning madness again~I'm tired, I'm broken~I'm walking along with the dead~Will I ever feel like I once did?
'My fears come alive..In this place where I once died'
..This isn't the life for me<>This isn't the way I want to be<>And let me tell you<>Death will come when I'm good and ready..
:I thought by now you'd know.*.I'll never let you go:
<>It's serenity~In a place where I can hide~I need serenity~Nothing changes, days go by<>
-Ran out of time, no kiss goodbye-
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| *Living between heaven and hell~ |
[10 Aug 2003|09:41pm] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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~!~Well today Tayz sleepin over and tomorro off to the Providence mall~!~!~ Im sooo out of it lately.. I dont want to be here but yet I am so since I am Im jus out of it.
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| Agreeing w/ the enemy and getting shot |
[09 Aug 2003|09:24pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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*today as I was smokin the last one out of my pack and I just sat there and all of a sudden my mind was soooo clear. Damonz right- about everything he said about me 'now' and how Ive changed and shyt. He doeznt even want to call me or see me becuz of how I am supposedly. All of which I dont understand and I dont understand why he doeznt love me anymore. I dont wanna kno either tho. it would be too sad. You gotta watch out for the nice guyz..they skrew u over even worse. u think u can trust em. u let ur guard down. get emotionally attached, n the nice guy in them hurtz u even more then a dipshyt would over somethin / some kinda situation that you toally understand and wish you had a nice guy such as them. wtf..if im even a lil bit as pretty as Damon use to tell me i was then why am i alone? Why doeznt Steve want me or Damon..? I hate being alone.
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| *Black Skiez n Broken down hotel signz~ |
[08 Aug 2003|10:04pm] |
*thingz seem to be goin downhill in a snowball type effect but very fast and very shitty. I feel like the stupid damn idiot who made their snowman fall over and down the hill n got caught in it.
You know the way old hotel signz flicker on and off and some letterz wont sho up. thatz what i feel like insde right now. partz of me arent workin and some other partz just flicker on and off in a desperate attempt to stay sane and hae at least oen thing a normal routine. blah blah damn I feel like shyt. bought new clothes today but blah. ill write later.
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[07 Aug 2003|03:37pm] |
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mood |
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distressed |
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omfg Im sooooo worried about my girl!!! hunni you know who you are and I LOVE YOU and I dont wanna lose you and Im sorry but I hada send you that Im so worried. I love you like you were my sister. I hope your not gonna be mad at me for saying what I needed to. Im gonna save you and bring you back even if I need to kidnap you lolz.
I LOVE YOU~!~!~!~!~!~!
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| ~Duckz, Smokez, And a carful of beerz~ |
[07 Aug 2003|02:22pm] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
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~!~Well I came home from Amandaz at like 10:40 and just woke up from falling back asleep. I was soooo fukin tired. I slept over last night it was awesome. shyt tom made us laugh so fukin hard...
XxGRIFFIN429xX: tell her to call me sometime then
CuTeLiLpiXi 05: lol.. she says i thought you were hangin out with amanda
XxGRIFFIN429xX: i cant have friends?
Well that made me laugh.. And Damon came over then left and then came back again o tell us he was kicked out of his house. O man Damon..but he went to Grundyz for the night so he was all safe so I didnt worry. I had a weird dream last night of the oh so lil sleep I got. We watched 4 moviez n lit her ducky candlez and then they died..WE KILLED BABY DUCKIEZ!!!!!!! hehez.. I have a picure of it. I SAW CARINA!!!! omg it was awesome. Me, Amanda, and Damon walked to Mini Market to get sum mokez n this car pulls into the lot n starts to drive n I look in and Carinaz sittin in the front. I was like holy shyt girl get out hea n give me a hug. It was awesome seein her. I miss that girl
so much but we shoul be hangi out soon. I need a blade to make everything better.. Last night I burned y wrist wit my lighter and it just felt.. so good, but I need..well..that feeling. blah nvm..
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[05 Aug 2003|03:37pm] |
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Got an interesting phone call today: therez a 5 bedroom 2 bathroom big house in Leominster that my parentals are seriously considering moving to..Fitchburg is fitchburg and leomister is leominster..my step sister would be happi : moving closer to her boyfriend, I would be close to ppl I kno and Id still be able to go to LHS which is kewl but, Ive made a friendship here but itz quickly deteriorating becuz of past events..I dont know. blah
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[04 Aug 2003|09:17pm] |
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mood |
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 amused |
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*The wierdest thing happened today..I was waking to CVS wit my step sister becuz she had to buy a card for her boyfriends birthday and as we were walking we saw theze two dogz just sitting across the street from one another one on each side of the street just staring at the other..not moving not barkng..just starin. And they stayed like this for about 20 minutes and then they just turned and went their opposite ways..never barking. Now I dont think dogz usually do this so it made us laugh all the way to CVS thinkin about these two dogz and what they could possibly have been doing. Personally I think they were aliens who were wearing the dog's skinz and just sitting to see what kind of reaction humans would give becuz they wnt to study hem so they can use their flaws to dominate them and take over the world. If you have any interesting ideas about what they were doin drop em for ppl to read and laugh about..
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aggravated
