Entry #2
(NOTE THIS IS AN ONLINE DIARY POST — VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED AS THERE CAN BE TRIGGERING SUBJECTS SPOKEN OF — YES THIS IS OVERSHARING, I DO NOT CARE — DO NOT LIKE DO NOT READ — THIS IS ALL BASICALLY TRANSCRIPTION OF MY BRAIN --- SOME OF THESE THINGS I POST ON TUMBLR AS WELL AND THEY GET IN HERE)
also the format of this may be fucked up depending on where its being veiwed
♫'Can we keep it together somehow? You know if I come around this way again. It's gonna be a surprise. She's putting lipstick on homeless boys in Korea Town. Driving angels down right now-'♫ — Get The Gang Together, Gerard Way.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I'm coming down off a three week long high — Only reason being I wanna save my shit. But god I feel like shit and very desperately want to smoke. I have nicotine which is ok — But I want my weed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I have to see a phycologist next week — I asked, but am dreading it. What if they tell me I'm fine. I know I'm not fine, I'm fucking unsatiable and if they tell me I'm okay I'm going back to feeling fucking Crazy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I genuinely fear the person I've become — I mourn the person I could've been.
=======================Off any pre-existing topic why the fuck is Pete Wentz in Ryan Ross makeup and a Teletubby costume...
=======================
Yo wait I got photos of Pete and Mikey on here — The Summer Of Like?! Amazing New Mexico Sunset?! PETEKEY?!
[Sorry I was reading a petekey master doc earlier for the 30th time]
=======================
=============================[]=========
I hate my therapist — She dismisses every single fucking thing I say and it pisses me off. Also I'm officially off suicide watch. Well I have been for a month I just forgot I was till now.
==============================[]========
I LOVE BOY DIVISION SM ITS SO GOOD
https://open.spotify.com/track/7wzNovIu5urOjulGX4VzFo?si=127403e55ee94d36
Banger song — ♫'If all my enemies. Threw a party, would you light the candles? Would you drink the wine while watchin' television? Watch the animals and all the tragedies, and sell your arteries to buy my casket gown♫ —
I actually have no clue what to talk about — my life is so uneventful — I don't do anything — I've been rotting in my room for the past month. I have school in a month though and I'm terrified.
So for reference — In my school division, everyone on one side of the division goes to one high school meanwhile the other side goes to a different. I moved schools last year to a different one but in the same side of the division and I have some really bad shit regarding my old class who is going to the same high school as me. Cause though I moved — I have to rejoin them this year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have problems — I've done shit I shouldn't have and it ruined me and my reputation. I'm not gonna get into it but it includes a lot of 'whoring around' [I use that term lightly as I wasn't actually having sex] and ruining friendships / relationships. — and it caused the majority of them to hate me — Which recently turned into all of them but one. For the record it wasn't me who fucked myself over — But it was — It's hard to explain and the best way I can is that I wasn't in control of myself. ANYWAYS — They all hate me — and I know for a fact that all the shit I did in the past will be spread around due to the gravity of it and how many people GENUINELY ACTUALLY hate me [that is not even an over exaggeration] and I fear how that is going to affect me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ORIGINALLY POSTED TO MY TUMBLR {has correlation to what was said above}
Oh god... I didn't think I'd see his face again, I thought I at least had another month... I can't do this fuck... It's been so long why does it still hurt so fucking bad it's so fucking pathetic.
I'm so fucking pathetic. It's been three fucking years, and god seeing his face made me collapse. I feel like I can't fucking breathe. I miss him, I miss him so much it's not fair.
we're both going to the same school next year again (it's complicated) I though I at least a month till I had to see him. Not this early... To early.. I don't even think I can do it. It hurts so bad, hurts to hear his name, his voice, see his face. Anything and anyone who reminds me of him it hurts.
I'm going to be in classes with him, what if they make me talk to him, what if they partner us or something, I can't. I can't. I can't.
Not only him though, I have to see everyone from my old school, cause I'm going to the same high school they are this year. All those people hate me. I can't do it.
I can't go.. I can't see him... I can't see them. I can't do this. I want to move again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That's all for tonight — I don't know what else to speak of.
-SATURN
