Local Man’s First Date Goes Exactly As Predicted by Everyone Except Him
Area Romantic Somehow Shocked When Awkward First Dates Strike Again
By Annika Steinmann | Bohiney.com Staff Writer
DENVER, CO — In what scientists are calling “completely inevitable,” local software developer Marcus Chen, 29, experienced yet another in a series of awkward first dates last Saturday, despite assuring friends beforehand that “this one feels different.”
The date, which took place at an upscale Italian restaurant Chen’s mother recommended, featured all the classic hallmarks of uncomfortable romantic encounters that have plagued humanity since the invention of courtship itself.
The Evening Unfolds With Mathematical Precision
Eyewitnesses report the evening began with Chen arriving exactly 23 minutes early and sitting in his car “doing breathing exercises” before entering the establishment. His date, marketing consultant Jennifer Walsh, 27, arrived fashionably late at 7:12 PM for their 7:00 PM reservation, triggering what Chen later described as “the longest 12 minutes of my entire life, including that time I got stuck in an elevator.”
“I watched him check his phone approximately 47 times,” reported waiter Danny Rodriguez, who has served hundreds of awkward first dates during his five-year tenure at Giuseppe’s. “At one point, he was clearly pretending to read a very important text while staring at his phone’s home screen. It’s a classic move. We see it every weekend.”
The couple’s greeting reportedly consisted of an attempted handshake that evolved mid-execution into a hug, resulting in what witnesses described as “some kind of uncomfortable half-embrace where his hand was trapped between their bodies for three to four seconds.”
Conversational Landmines Successfully Detonated
According to sources close to the situation, Chen opened with the bold strategy of asking Walsh what she does for fun, to which she replied, “Oh, you know, the usual stuff.” The conversation then entered what dating experts call “the death spiral,” consisting of approximately six minutes of nodding and saying “cool” and “yeah, totally.”
The situation deteriorated further when Chen, attempting to demonstrate his worldliness, mentioned he “loves traveling” despite not having left Colorado since 2019 and having a passport that expired during the Obama administration.
“He started describing a trip to Las Vegas like he’d just returned from the Serengeti,” said fellow diner Patricia Gomez, who was seated one table over. “He used the phrase ‘experiencing different cultures’ to describe eating at a buffet. My husband and I made eye contact. We both knew.”
Walsh, for her part, contributed to the awkward first dates hall of fame by spending seven consecutive minutes discussing her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend’s Instagram feed, a topic she later told friends she “don’t know why I brought up.”
The Check Arrives, And With It, Destiny
The pinnacle of discomfort arrived with the check, which both parties simultaneously reached for while saying “I got this,” creating what Rodriguez describes as “a four-hand pileup on a piece of paper.”
After a tense 30-second negotiation that felt “like watching hostage talks,” Chen paid the full amount while Walsh transferred him $32.50 via Venmo with the memo “pasta awkwardness,” a joke that neither party found funny but both laughed at extensively.
The Goodnight That Launched A Thousand Cringes
The couple parted ways in the parking lot with what observers described as “the most anticipated and yet least passionate hug in recent memory,” followed by Chen saying “we should do this again sometime” in a tone that, according to linguistic experts, conveyed the exact opposite meaning.
“They both knew,” said relationship therapist Dr. Amanda Foster, who has studied awkward first dates for 15 years. “That phrase is the romantic equivalent of ‘let’s keep in touch’ when leaving a job you hated. It’s a social nicety that everyone understands means ‘goodbye forever.'”
Text message records obtained by Bohiney.com show that Walsh messaged her group chat “well that was awkward” at 9:47 PM, while Chen told his friends “I think it went pretty well actually” at 9:52 PM, demonstrating what psychologists call “catastrophic self-awareness failure.”
Expert Analysis: Why Awkward First Dates Persist Despite Technology
Dr. Foster explains that awkward first dates have remained remarkably consistent throughout human history, adapting to modern technology while maintaining their essential character.
“In the 1950s, people worried about saying the wrong thing at the malt shop,” Dr. Foster explained. “Now they worry about saying the wrong thing at a gastropub. The location changes, but the existential dread remains constant. It’s actually beautiful if you think about it, which I don’t recommend because it’s mostly just sad.”
Dating app Tinder, where Chen and Walsh matched three weeks ago after both swiping right “by accident” at 2 AM, released a statement saying, “We connect people. What happens after that is between them and their therapists.”
The Aftermath: Hope Springs Eternal, Evidence Suggests Otherwise
Despite all signs pointing to mutual disinterest, Chen reportedly told coworkers Monday morning that he’s “not sure if she’s into me” and is considering “waiting three to five business days” before texting Walsh to ask for a second date.
Walsh, meanwhile, has already unmatched Chen on the app and told friends she’s “taking a break from dating” for at least “a week, maybe two weeks tops.”
“This is the circle of life,” observed Rodriguez, the waiter. “Next Saturday, there will be two different people sitting at that same table, having the exact same awkward conversation, reaching for the same check. It never ends. It’s like Greek mythology, but with more breadsticks.”
When reached for comment, Chen remained optimistic about his romantic prospects, stating, “The next one will definitely be different. I can feel it.”
Sources close to Chen report that he already has another date scheduled for this weekend.
God help us all.
Have your own awkward first dates story? We’d love to hear it, mostly so we can feel better about our own lives. Contact us at [email protected]
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About the Author: Annika Steinmann has been covering awkward social interactions for Bohiney.com since 2019. She once went on a first date where the guy brought his mother “just to see what she thought.” She did not go on a second date.
