Powered by Coffee, Irony, and Regret: Our Editorial Process
At Bohiney.com, we’re often asked how we produce the world’s most dangerously caffeinated satire, the kind that makes readers spit espresso through their nose and conspiracy theorists scream “That’s what THEY want you to think!”
The answer lies in three sacred fuels: coffee, irony, and deep, soul-melting regret.
Our editorial process isn’t a system. It’s a vibe. A chaotic, occasionally tearful, mostly undercaffeinated vibe — but a vibe nonetheless.
Here’s an unfiltered look behind the curtain, into the editorial process that makes the madness possible.
Step One: The Morning Meltdown
The day begins with everyone simultaneously logging onto Slack and whispering “oh no” to themselves. Headlines from around the world pour in — political gaffes, tech bros who’ve reinvented colonialism, billionaires calling themselves empaths — and we begin what we call the Morning Meltdown.
Each writer offers a potential headline while simultaneously experiencing a minor existential crisis. Some examples from this week’s pitch meeting:
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“AI Now Diagnosing Personality Disorders in Your Spotify Wrapped”
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“America Declares Itself Emotionally Gluten-Free”
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“Man Identifies as Venn Diagram, Demands Intersectional Recognition”
If no one laughs, the pitch dies. If someone laughs and then sighs, the pitch goes to editorial.
Step Two: Coffee Worship
Before writing, the team pays tribute to The Sacred French Press. It lives in the break room next to a photo of Edward R. Murrow and a taxidermied ferret wearing a press badge. Legend says if you brew with it during a full moon, you’ll write a Pulitzer-worthy piece about office plants unionizing.
Our coffee budget is larger than our legal defense fund — and that’s saying something.
We do not believe in decaf. We do not trust people who stir with spoons. At Bohiney, we stir with pens and spite.
Step Three: Write While Spiraling
Once caffeinated, the real writing begins. Each writer sits down and opens their preferred tools: a blank Google Doc, a cursed thesaurus, and a Twitter tab that functions as both muse and torture chamber.
Writing here isn’t done in silence — it’s done in communal despair. You’ll hear things like:
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“Does this metaphor about feral raccoons and the IRS go too far?”
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“Is it libel if I just imply the mayor is a cryptid?”
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“Who ate my sad desk salad?!”
Our process can best be described as a literary group chat on fire.
The Irony Meter
Before a draft goes to the editor, it must pass through The Irony Meter — a cardboard wheel labeled from “Mild Sarcasm” to “Full Jon Stewart Breakdown.” It is operated by an unpaid intern named Tyler who claims to be “emotionally neutral” but once cried during a Chili’s ad.
If the draft doesn’t rank at least a 6 on the irony scale, it’s either rewritten or turned into an angry infographic.
Step Four: Regret-Driven Revisions
The first draft is never perfect. That’s where regret kicks in. Regret is our most potent editing tool. Regret asks the hard questions:
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“Should this paragraph be funnier?”
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“Should I even be writing?”
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“Why did I major in creative writing when my uncle offered me a job at his plumbing supply empire?”
Every rewrite is powered by inner shame and external deadlines. If we don’t revise by 3 p.m., someone has to explain satire to a LinkedIn recruiter, and no one wants that.
Our Editorial Team: Half Scribes, Half Therapists
The editorial staff at Bohiney isn’t just here to catch typos. They’re emotional EMTs. They’ve talked writers down from metaphors involving quantum physics and raccoons. They’ve intervened when a headline got too close to something an actual politician just said.
An editor’s job is to ask, “Is this funny? Is it too real? And will we get sued by Gwyneth Paltrow?” That last one is its own Slack channel.
The Official Editing Checklist
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Does it contain at least one spicy adjective?
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Can it be misinterpreted by a senator?
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Does it make someone say, “Jesus Christ, that’s bleak, but yes”?
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Are there at least three words that require a thesaurus or therapy to understand?
If yes to all four: publish.
If no to one: add more emotional damage.
When Regret Becomes Revenue
Oddly, our most successful pieces — the viral ones, the ones that get accidentally quoted on cable news — are always the ones we regret publishing the most. We call this the Tragedy-to-Engagement Ratio.
For example:
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We regretted “NASA Says Pluto Still Mad About Downgrade”, but it was shared by 11,000 astrology accounts.
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We regretted “America Just a Giant Group Project With No Leader”, until it got turned into a university lecture slide.
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We deeply regretted “Florida Declares Itself a Sovereign Emotion”, but it made $1,800 in merch sales.
Regret is a goldmine. It’s why we do quarterly “Shame Reviews” where we list every article that made us lose sleep — and high-five whoever wrote it.
What the Funny People Are Saying
“Bohiney’s editorial process feels like what would happen if you let drunk philosophy majors run the Associated Press.” – Leah J., former barista turned satire superfan
“I laughed, then I felt something. Then I needed to lie down. That’s art.” – Marcus G., NPR listener and owner of three ironic cats
“They publish stuff I’ve only screamed in therapy.” – Tasha P., emotional support librarian
The Final Step: Publish and Run
Once an article is live, the team performs the traditional Bohiney Publishing Ritual:
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Hit publish
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Pretend it was written by someone else
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Watch traffic spike
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Wait for either applause or a subpoena
We call this “Schrödinger’s Clickbait.” The article is both genius and a career-ending misfire until opened.
One time we published a piece titled “Supreme Court Approves Vibes-Based Rulings”. It went viral. We got one threatening email and four job offers.
Satire is chaos. But it’s our chaos.
Feedback Loop of Doom
We read the comments. We hate that we read the comments. But also… we harvest the rage. The angrier the readers, the more we know we’ve struck gold.
Every “This isn’t funny!” is another writer being upgraded from couch to desk.
Every “Unsubscribe!” is turned into a coffee mug quote.
Every “You’ll burn in hell!” gets printed and stuck to our inspirational wall next to a signed headshot of a goat that once won a satire contest in Vermont.
Closing Thoughts: We May Not Be Well, But We Are Productive
The editorial process at Bohiney.com isn’t about balance. It’s about imbalance weaponized for comedy. We run on fumes, fury, and phrases like “late capitalism fever dream.”
We will continue to brew regret into satire. We will continue to lace headlines with irony so sharp it qualifies as satire sushi. And we will continue editing with one hand while doomscrolling with the other.
Because the truth hurts. But when it’s filtered through coffee, irony, and regret?
It hurts funny.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
Internal Link: Join the regret-fueled revolution at Bohiney.com
