Chryseth Keenblaze

Holidays don't count when you're away in time. I've decided and I'm sticking to that. They aren't like birthdays -- birthdays happen whether or not anybody so much as glances at them. And the time I was away I didn't celebrate anything at all. Except I guess the end of it all the first time.

Last year didn't really count either. I was away for it but not in time, just on a naga-chase and using It and not feeling very festive anyhow. All right, it was festive in a horrible way because Dawnforged and Netha were all busy falling in love, but it wasn't festive for me.

And the year before that is better not spoken of for reasons of my own safety

I'd say this year is the best yet but that's a bit of a no-brainer, considering I'm not using It so I don't feel half-dead so it's automatically better than the ones I didn't celebrate or last year, and nothing disastrous has happened yet so it's better than the one that shall not be spoken of.

And really I'm content. Worried I'll do the wrong thing and it'll all explode on me in a chain reaction of awful, but not more so than I am most weeks anyhow. If I've learned anything, it's that I wouldn't let that worry keep me from doing stuff anyhow since

well

nothing good lasts forever, does it? So I'll enjoy it while I can.

This year I'm at home with Alevh so I figure there's the whole picnic in Dalaran thing if he'll go. Or a quiet dinner here if he'd prefer. And I've made sure to leave a sketch-card for him every morning except they mostly run to the humorous because I think he prefers that to the sappy. And maybe also because it's a bit safer.

I don't want to pressure anyone with my affections any more than I wish to with my anxieties.

Plus I'd rather say that stuff in person, preferably with my lips pressed somewhere nice-smelling.

Anyhow I've got presents for him which I've thought about a lot. Maybe too much because now I'm half-convinced it's an awful idea and he'll think it's a mockery.

Did some research -- reading and talking to people and whatnot -- and found the right sort of booze to buy un-aged that he can keep for a while til it's mellowed and perfect for drinking. Even made sure it'd be ok in Ratchet's climate. And the thought was that in a decade or so we could drink it together, I mean I asked Jell if she thought it was dumb and she said it sounded romantic except

fuck it all, whatever was I thinking wanting to give something for the future to a man who doesn't really concern himself with the future at all?

so yeah he's going to think I'm being ironic in a mean way. I know I should have gone with the kinky novelty toy idea instead. It's not too late, I have the functional prototypes and could get the bugs worked out if I pulled an all-nighter.

Only I don't want to. I want to go on feeling like enjoying a drink together in a few years is a reasonable thing to want and to think I might get to have. But if this is something I want and he doesn't want, then

I don't have any reason to think he's against the idea. But there's a difference between not wishing for a thing, and wishing against it.

Should go get some booze to enjoy now too. That plus the chocolates and all is much better than something hypothetical on an illusory horizon.

So that's Alevh seen to -- and I'm rather looking forward to it, truth be told.

I wish I could do something for Jiel as well, and I may work out a way to before it's over. It isn't a secret from him that I love him, it's just a matter of finding appropriate demonstrations of our peculiar form. It's not all about the romantic mushy sentiments, is it?

When I was a boy I made cards for my parents and tutor

I took flowers to That Spot on the Dead Scar, and I didn't think I was going to cry and I wouldn't have except my flowers weren't the only ones there. Roses, red ones and yellow and white, a freshly laid bouquet. I put mine nearby and wept a while, and I'm glad nobody was there to ask me what over because I think all I could have said was

well, it's silly to write down, but I was so relieved the flowers wouldn't be all alone.

I think I want to make him something with a phoenix on it, but I have to think carefully. Nothing too big, lest Sooty get the idea it's a rival of some kind. Not a cloak clasp, too easily lost. Or maybe it's a dumb thought because he's already wearing something I made and I needn't try to put a further token of my favor upon him.

Cupcakes. Phoenix cupcakes. Only then if I say anything about token of favor he might get all worried I'm calling him fat and claiming his belly in the name of Keenblaze. I wonder, if I did that would he stop worrying so much about it?

Really I feel selfish for wanting to give him and Alevh things at all. Protestations and expressions of love are terribly narcissistic. It would be far better -- far less childish -- if I were able to simply find ways to show that I understand and acceptappreciate the sentiments they hold for me.

It's just so much harder.

Especially when I can't be sure I understand at all.