Depression Support

I can't get suicide out of my head.

I can't do anything. I can't go to bed because I know I won't sleep and will just keep looking around counting how many ways I can kill myself without leaving the room (7 so far). I can't take a xanax because I know I will take every pill. I can't take a bath because I'm so disgusted with myself, not only because of my horrid body, but because of my mind and purely because I'm human. I truly want to be a rock.

I don't know what is going on. I've been taking my meds as I should, I don't skip any of them anymore, I'm sleeping (but having terrible nightmares every night). I just feel so anxious and depressed all the time. And guilty and embarassed. I can't bring myself to talk to anyone because I just feel guilty and I have the impression that everyone is just so fucking tired of my bullshit because I never get better, I will never get better, nobody wants to hear about my depression, nobody wants to know how I'm feeling, nobody wants to help, I doesn't matter if I die nobody will notice nobody will miss me everyone is much better off without me.

I keep telling myself "I just want to live, no matter how miserable it is" (it's a line from a manic street preachers song, I can't remember exactly which), but I don't have the will to live, I don't know how to live, I don't know how to talk to people, I make everyone hates me, I'm fairly certain my best friend hates me and wants me gone, I know for a fact that most people don't want to be near me because I'm a fucking walking trigger.

My roommate moved out because I take tons of medicine and self-harm.

My landlady threatened to evict me because I'm too depressed, because I self-harm and people think I will stab them with my blade. The fact that I'm so depressed became a running joke on my English class, and the blade became one on the Russian class. I don't know what else to tell my therapist because there is nothing else to tell her. Everything is frivolous.

I feel like I don't belong here. I literally feel like walking through a glass corridor on the street, in the house, at college because everything seems too unreal, I can't connect, I can't.

I can't talk to anybody. I'm too anxious for that. I'm too depressed for that. Nobody would want to listen to me. Nobody has anything to say.

I cut and dye my hair, I keep telling myself that next year I will start H therapy but why try to change my outside if I DON'T FEEL I HAVE A BODY I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING THAT IS BEYOND MY MIND because I'm so fucking deep inside this pit I can't climb up and nobody wants to help me because they don't want to see how rotten I am, because they get angry they can't help me because I'm beyond any help.

I want to cut out my eyes so I can stay in the dark forever I want to tear off all my flesh and break my bones I want to smash my heart and set fire to my lungs I want to swallow a razorblade I want to break the mirror with my head

I cant concentrate. I need to study. I desperately need to study but it doesn't matter because I will never finish college anyway. I will kill myself first or drop out because the only thing I'm able to do is run away and that's because I don't have a fucking job I don't know how to do anything I too dumb to know anything I will never be anything in life because there is nothing to me except for this shit. No matter how badly I want to write I can't.

I should be better. I'm 20 for fuck's sake. I should stop acting like a child.

I'm not afraid of the reality, father. I'm not. I never was. I just have stared too much at it and now nothing makes sense anymore.

Why am I so broken while my sister is so damn perfect? What did I do wrong? Why is it so bad if want to die if there is nothing for me in life, there is nothing for me to do with this. Why I can't keep self-harming? It doesn't hurt anyone else. It's just pain, it's just scars, it's nothing.

I'm sorry for everything. If I could I would have done it better, I would be a better person. But I'm barely a person. I don't feel like one. I'm not one. I'm Depression. Keep away from me, your life will really improve.

Everything is so much better without me in it.

(im sorry for posting here. i know that screaming to the world that i'm fucked up doesn't do shit and i know i should keep quiet and act normal. i'm so sorry)