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jellenethMostly I apologize to my current roommate. But also to anyone who has ever or might ever have to live with me in the future ever.
I.. uh.. I'm very very sorry. For just. Well.. this is a thing. It's an inevitable part of cohabitation with me, I think. Sometimes, you will have to endure me in the early stages of my learning something. And I am very unpleasant in those times. I know this. I just have a very unhealthy learning process. It involves a great deal of stress and self-loathing. And I blame my litle brother for this.
Because I have this stupid, childish, annoying part of my brain that thinks that I should just be able to DO things. The way my brother has always seemed to be able to. Musical instrument he's never touched before and sheet music he has no idea how to read? Give him six hours and he'll be playing better than the guy who took it up eight years before. Swing dancing? Sure! He'll show up for two nights of the come-as-you-are freestyle dancing and walk away with moves it took most of his dance partners months to learn. Video games? ahahahahaasfdahfdsh.. yeah.
And I can't do this. I KNOW that I can't do this. I have to learn things like a normal person. But still.. I got left with this annoying little voice in the back of my head screaming how horribly fucking UNFAIR that is. And it does. Loudly. Every single time I start trying to learn something new.
So.. my learning process usually goes something like this:
1.)Try new thing.
2.)Fail utterly at new thing.
3.)Hate self for failing because it should be so lolez.
4.)Go look up guides and strats and various helpful things other people have written on HOW 2 THING.
5.)Still fail because muscle memory is not there yet and practice is required and also I am bad and fail at EVERYTHING and I hate myself so very very much.
6.)Flail and hate self more and consider abandoning thing and also everything remotely connected to thing and maybe just killing myself because am worthless and always will be.
7.)Get angry at thing and stubbornly refuse to be beaten by it.
8.)Invest far too much of my own self worth in getting competent at thing. (Seriously. There was a 4 week period of my life where my entire value as a human being completely hung on my ability to master buffering Calamity Symphony on Ivy in SC2.)
9.)Obsessively keep doing thing over and over and over and over and over again while continuing to hate self and flail and cry and sometimes throw things.
10.)Eventually achieve enough competence at thing that I feel I can stop caring quite so much about it and just settle into feeling that I am not and never will be actually any good at thing and hate myself just a tiny bit for that forever.
11.)Discover new thing to try.
This cycle has been going on pretty much my entire life. I have no idea how to actually break it. Once or twice (like with the Ivy thing) I have let myself quit because there was no one else I knew personally at the time who had mastered that combo yet either. But mostly, no. I cannot quit a thing just because it is making me hate myself. Because that just proves... something. I don't know. Maybe that my brother is just better than me. And that idea has always pissed me off no matter how very true I have always known it to be. Maybe because of that. Anyway. Yeah. Really sorry. Try not to smother me with a pillow while I sleep.
I.. uh.. I'm very very sorry. For just. Well.. this is a thing. It's an inevitable part of cohabitation with me, I think. Sometimes, you will have to endure me in the early stages of my learning something. And I am very unpleasant in those times. I know this. I just have a very unhealthy learning process. It involves a great deal of stress and self-loathing. And I blame my litle brother for this.
Because I have this stupid, childish, annoying part of my brain that thinks that I should just be able to DO things. The way my brother has always seemed to be able to. Musical instrument he's never touched before and sheet music he has no idea how to read? Give him six hours and he'll be playing better than the guy who took it up eight years before. Swing dancing? Sure! He'll show up for two nights of the come-as-you-are freestyle dancing and walk away with moves it took most of his dance partners months to learn. Video games? ahahahahaasfdahfdsh.. yeah.
And I can't do this. I KNOW that I can't do this. I have to learn things like a normal person. But still.. I got left with this annoying little voice in the back of my head screaming how horribly fucking UNFAIR that is. And it does. Loudly. Every single time I start trying to learn something new.
So.. my learning process usually goes something like this:
1.)Try new thing.
2.)Fail utterly at new thing.
3.)Hate self for failing because it should be so lolez.
4.)Go look up guides and strats and various helpful things other people have written on HOW 2 THING.
5.)Still fail because muscle memory is not there yet and practice is required and also I am bad and fail at EVERYTHING and I hate myself so very very much.
6.)Flail and hate self more and consider abandoning thing and also everything remotely connected to thing and maybe just killing myself because am worthless and always will be.
7.)Get angry at thing and stubbornly refuse to be beaten by it.
8.)Invest far too much of my own self worth in getting competent at thing. (Seriously. There was a 4 week period of my life where my entire value as a human being completely hung on my ability to master buffering Calamity Symphony on Ivy in SC2.)
9.)Obsessively keep doing thing over and over and over and over and over again while continuing to hate self and flail and cry and sometimes throw things.
10.)Eventually achieve enough competence at thing that I feel I can stop caring quite so much about it and just settle into feeling that I am not and never will be actually any good at thing and hate myself just a tiny bit for that forever.
11.)Discover new thing to try.
This cycle has been going on pretty much my entire life. I have no idea how to actually break it. Once or twice (like with the Ivy thing) I have let myself quit because there was no one else I knew personally at the time who had mastered that combo yet either. But mostly, no. I cannot quit a thing just because it is making me hate myself. Because that just proves... something. I don't know. Maybe that my brother is just better than me. And that idea has always pissed me off no matter how very true I have always known it to be. Maybe because of that. Anyway. Yeah. Really sorry. Try not to smother me with a pillow while I sleep.
