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luvcrumbscontent warning: mental disorders, sexual content, drug use (all of this is only mentioned and not expanded on, but still)
if there’s one thing fiction does really well, it’s letting you explore every kind of feeling, you know. the beautiful, the loving, and the darkest ones. especially those.
when I first got into my OTP, I wasn’t consciously trying to process my own stuff. I just liked the characters. but the more I thought about them, the more I realized how much comfort I was finding in a way I never expected.
though I don’t think any of my posts have fully captured these themes. honestly, I’m not even sure I’m capable of doing them justice. but if anyone looked into what I express, the connections are there. once you see them, you can’t unsee them. sometimes I wonder if anyone who reads it closely would check in and ask if I’m okay.
(spoiler: i'm not)
with Luchino, one of the things I love exploring most is his disconnection from humanity. even before his transformation, he was never normal. he was odd, arrogant, selfish, self-destructive, the kind of person people instinctively kept their distance from. and he never cared, not even a little! becoming the evil reptilian was just the next step in his otherness.
for me, that hits hard. I’ve known for a long time that I can’t really be considered a human person. but what's the point of endlessly punishing myself for it when nothing will ever change it? characterizing Luchino lets me explore what it would be for someone who completely embraces it. there’s something strangely freeing about stepping into his shoes.
Eli’s side feels more personal, so I won’t go into too much detail. he’s trapped by fate. no matter how hard he struggles and fights, the ending is already written. he carries this constant dread and guilt, knowing he might be capable of something greater but being chained to who he has to be, and to the ending that’s waiting for him. writing Eli in that state of total hopelessness is one of my favorite things to do. through him, I can safely show what it feels like when you know every attempt you make is ultimately futile. letting him spiral into unhealthy coping mechanisms is my guilty little treat.
then there are the dreams. in my game 6b interpretations, Eli’s visions constantly torment him and chip away at his sanity. that one cut deeper than I expected. having chronic nightmare disorder, I know what it's like to live with the experience of being forced to watch and feel the worst scenarios my brain can come up with, night after night, with no escape. I didn’t consciously connect the two until I wrote one scene of sex under the influence just a month ago. and it hit way too close to home. it mirrored what I experience in my nightmares more than I was ready for. I wish I could post that piece... would anyone be able to tell what was going on in my head while I wrote it?
pouring myself into these characters and stories feels surprinsingly good. even when everything else feels heavy, there's something i can take from the mess. it has helped me more than I can really explain.
(spoiler: i'm not)
with Luchino, one of the things I love exploring most is his disconnection from humanity. even before his transformation, he was never normal. he was odd, arrogant, selfish, self-destructive, the kind of person people instinctively kept their distance from. and he never cared, not even a little! becoming the evil reptilian was just the next step in his otherness.
for me, that hits hard. I’ve known for a long time that I can’t really be considered a human person. but what's the point of endlessly punishing myself for it when nothing will ever change it? characterizing Luchino lets me explore what it would be for someone who completely embraces it. there’s something strangely freeing about stepping into his shoes.
Eli’s side feels more personal, so I won’t go into too much detail. he’s trapped by fate. no matter how hard he struggles and fights, the ending is already written. he carries this constant dread and guilt, knowing he might be capable of something greater but being chained to who he has to be, and to the ending that’s waiting for him. writing Eli in that state of total hopelessness is one of my favorite things to do. through him, I can safely show what it feels like when you know every attempt you make is ultimately futile. letting him spiral into unhealthy coping mechanisms is my guilty little treat.
then there are the dreams. in my game 6b interpretations, Eli’s visions constantly torment him and chip away at his sanity. that one cut deeper than I expected. having chronic nightmare disorder, I know what it's like to live with the experience of being forced to watch and feel the worst scenarios my brain can come up with, night after night, with no escape. I didn’t consciously connect the two until I wrote one scene of sex under the influence just a month ago. and it hit way too close to home. it mirrored what I experience in my nightmares more than I was ready for. I wish I could post that piece... would anyone be able to tell what was going on in my head while I wrote it?
pouring myself into these characters and stories feels surprinsingly good. even when everything else feels heavy, there's something i can take from the mess. it has helped me more than I can really explain.
