marpai

The time escapes me, and my productivity with it. I haven't written well or seriously in months, aside from the occasional shitty journal entry and the like. Whilst hours pass me by, I become paralysed by fear of not doing something throughout.
What, now, should I do?

Sometimes, when I sit at my computer during hours late, alone in a dark room with only artificial light, despite my isolation, I feel as if I am being watched. I cannot be myself, or look at things I know I want to see (media of which tends to be socially unacceptable and/or morally grey). Is it only shame, manifest? Or, am I being perceived by something outside of myself I cannot know, nor hide from.

Current Mood: anxious
Current Location: Seattle

I scream and shout inside of my head, how desperately I want to be loved. Not often do my thoughts manage to claw their way from the confines of my inner world, which is as kept as a lock-box without it's key, or whatever the hell, but I think if I let it be said out loud just once, it might actually happen.

I lived someplace not long ago much greener than here,
Where the scent of the ocean would waft up from the rocky shore, and over hills, and through the dense of spruce trees, and into my open window, where air-to-face the saltiness met me
It lingered cool,
Where I kept my blinds up but let ease fall upon me, those fresh smells, and the quiver of wind blown spruce-needles
Slight as not to disturb the peace,
my senses never overwhelmed

Except for when gravel would crunch and a car go by
But all faded well and silent again
And that was the day, then
And I was alone, then
And I was happier, then
And I didn't think I'd miss it so, back then

Current Mood: discontent
Current Location: Seattle

I'm disappointed to say I'm not any-bit of the writer I once thought I'd become, by now. Having grown-up, not willingly, but as with the passage of time, I realise I am no longer special. There was a time when I might've been told I'm gifted, or that if only I apply myself, just put more effort, my potential could prove contrary to whatever "self-fulfilled prophecy" my homeroom teacher told me not to become. Yet, her words rung true, and then hung in the air around me, and made space in my head so they could wait, and when come the moment, re-emerge unto my worsened mind. Her voice rings loud again, a reminder of all that I have wasted. If I am to fall-short at nurturing what little talent I have left, it might disappear completely, leaving me barren.

Current Mood: scared
Current Location: Seattle

Haven't had much of an interesting thought-flow lately, but what has been jangling about in my head is all to do with much-too-large ideas of what my life is meant to be like. I sometimes find myself, while enjoying little activities like playing Minecraft, or drawing, ever-plagued by the realization that I can't just do that. Eventually, I will be forced to live not for art, or music, or nature, or what other niceties keep me grounded, but for money, work, and thus begrudged survival, however long. I haven't the slightest notion of how I'll sustain myself if I fail to finish well in school, go to some second-rate uni, and eventually monetize my writing. Socially inept as I am, and always off-and-on mentally, I can't imagine I'd do well at any regular 9-to-5.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Location: Seattle
Current Music: London After Midnight - Kiss

The school-year is near ended; and I, drained of all left-over hope, and confidence; at least, as related to my academic situation. I have so little motivation to move, yet in my head a desire not to fuck off and blow everything up. I really, really, truly do want to have a strong finish, and pass all of my classes. It (actually) can't turn out any other way, or else I'll sink further, down-into the most blackened, rot-filled depths of myself, and stay that way. Now, is my one and only last-chance. I would die before I graduate high-school at age 20.

Current Mood: distressed
Current Location: Seattle

I'm not a very good person; but I do try. Or, at least, I convince myself that I'm trying, so I feel a bit better having to live with my failures and all.

Current Mood: discontent
Current Location: Seattle

I haven't shown up at school for almost two weeks, now; so I also haven't left the apartment. The isolation is less a contributor to my bad-mood, since I don't get lonely, and quite like the tranquility -- that is, if I weren't often an unwilling ease-dropper my parents arguing, or sometimes the arguing party, myself. Aside from the bleak-sadness and bad weather (Seattle, you never cease to amaze me...), I've been listening-through lots of new albums (mostly dsbm LOL), and I also got around to playing Needy Streamer Overload, which I'm now obsessed with (Ame-chan is, admittedly, real as fuck). Anyways, that's all there is to be relayed, here -- keeping out the dark stuff, as it's only my first entry. Whether or not I'll post again... remains to be seen.

Current Mood: tired
Current Location: Seattle
Current Music: Xasthur - Subliminal Genocide

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Mar

Recent Entries

(no subject)

(no subject)

Whatever the hell

Island

Writer's Block (or Brain Deficiency)

Small brain, smaller words

(what subject?)

thinkin'

My first post: when tear-splattered glasses are a given these days

February 2025

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