methylethyl

Hello again, and a warm thanks to all who popped in to check on me while I was on hiatus. I know it's been a while: a lot was going on, including Lent, but also a long recovery from an unpleasant illness. I learned a lot. Not nice things, and not learned pleasantly. But if you're the sort who can learn from the mistakes and shortcomings of others: 

1) Stay away from mushroom extracts.

I'm not talking about the magic kind. ALL of them. I mean, the copy on the box sounds great. I know several people who've used them, particularly lion's mane, with good results, so it seemed low risk and a good idea at the time. Nope. Either I'm that one-in-so-many people who reacts idiosyncratically, or that was a bad batch. And there is no way to know ahead of time either way. I have no idea why it happened, but I had a completely bonkers allergic reaction, my guts convulsed for days, my internal temperature regulation broke-- I felt both hot and cold all the time, without any fever. And I had some neuro thing going on where the left side of my body (not the right, and the divide was like a sharp invisible line right down the center line) would cycle on again/off again feeling cold and sort of buzzy. Also, I did not sleep for the first three? four? days. Thereafter, sleep has been difficult to achieve, usually brief. None of that was the worst thing: I was also filled with terror. There was no reasonable thing to be afraid of, so it would simply attach itself to the most handy target. One thing, and then another. Mornings were usually OK, but then sometime between noon and 6pm, the terror would set in, and persist until midnight. It was impossible to sleep. I suspect it was at least partly hormonal: something was dumping adrenaline into the system and I couldn't get it to stop. After a few days I went to see a doctor. Some of the more acute symptoms: the digestive upset, the one-sided nerve activation, and the total inability to sleep, improved or cleared up with some Benadryl. Thus: "allergic". Kinda. But other things: the terror, the abbreviated sleep schedule, persisted for months. 

One of the most disturbing aspects of the whole episode was that it messed with my perception of time. The hours in front of the altar at night, after the kids were in bed, telling my beads and talking to God and white-knuckling it through the terror...  those felt like hours, mostly. But at the same time, the days just whizzed by. Weeks, months, WHOOOOOSH! Like being on a luge track straight toward death. I had the worst time keeping track of what day it was-- had to check the calendar many times a day, and still missed a few appointments because... how could it possibly be Thursday again already?

I can't say whether that was all the extracts. Those weakened me, and within a couple weeks I was laid low with severe bronchitis, back at the doctor, and taking all the drugs: antibiotics, steroids, proton pump inhibitors. Heaven knows which things did what to me. At least I didn't break any ribs coughing this time? The steroids, once again, changed my eyesight for the worse. I need reading glasses now. This does not seem to get better with time. 

Anyway, got through the bronchitis. Five months later, most symptoms, including the inchoate 6pm-to-midnight dread and the awful timewarp, have subsided. Other more minor annoyances remain: I still rarely get to sleep before midnight. I can no longer sleep on my side, but haven't figured out how to sleep comfortably on my back. I lie down for an hour, get frustrated, give up, read until my eyes don't work anymore, try again. 

2) Reflux = don't eat after 5pm. Mint is evil. 

I've always had a wee bit of reflux. Never thought much about it. A minor and very occasional annoyance. I thought. But this last round of bronchitis, a doc finally pointed out to me: no, it's not nothing. And there's a connection between that and the recurring bronchitis. I'm susceptible to the reflux all the time. Weak valves or something. But once I catch a cold and the snot factory goes into overtime, this screws with my stomach acid, makes the reflux worse, and the reflux makes the cough worse, the cough makes everything worse, menthol cough drops make the reflux worse, and it becomes this horrifying doom loop where I sprout hernias and fracture ribs and cough until I puke. And if I can get the reflux under control, I might be able to avoid that in the future. Best news I've heard in years! Tried proton pump inhibitors for... less than a week. They make me feel nauseous all the time. Not worth it. What does actually work is: no eating after 5pm. Going to bed hungry is way better than bronchitis. Lost a few pounds into the bargain. Settling into new habits is hard, but worth it.

Sidenotes: anything that slows stomach emptying makes all of this worse, and this list includes every kind of mint, and especially concentrated menthol products. 

 3) I am capable of fervent, intense, and lengthy prayer...  but only when I'm terrified and miserable. 

While not-sleeping, I spent a lot of quality time with God. It was, in many ways, great. And yet, I am spiritually weak and lack discipline, and it is crazy difficult to keep that practice going, the second the terror and misery let up. That's not a nice thing to find out about myself, but it is a useful thing to know. At least when things are bad, we turn in the right direction: "I will bless the Lord at all times..."  And God is, in fact, merciful and gracious. It was a Learning Experience. May God help me find a way to cultivate that sort of discipline so that I can do it even when things are going well.