I always said that I would never know if and when my mother had dementia because she has always been kind of drifty. She is the poster child for a 60s hippie who never got over that time and, at 85, is still living a very active, involved life. Living very far away, I worry. My sister, who lives very near my mom, is not really talking to her, so I feel a bit responsible.
In January, I saw my mom in Bangkok (my son lives there, and the last few years she has gone there for about a month). My son and I compared notes- figuratively and literally. We were both getting lots of random texts from her- often links that were not really to anything. When questioned, her response was always, “How did that get there?” My mom was sending the same spammy things multiple times. There was very little actual texting going on. She and my son often video chat, but she has always struggled to get that “right”, so nothing new there.
Then, in June, I visited her at her place. She lives in the South End of Boston and loves her condo- a little urban oasis, backing out onto a beautiful enclosed park. I noticed that she asked the same questions over and over. She had a new phone (landline), but she said it rarely worked. Her place was a mess, but this was nothing new.
My mom has never been a great driver (although she claims just the opposite). The last few times I have visited, I have made it a goal to NOT be in the car with her. At this point, with her arthritis, lack of attention, and more, she should not be driving. My brother-in-law actually took my mom’s car away this winter. She protested so vehemently that he gave it back. She is driving less, but still driving. Massachusetts does not have mandatory tests for older drivers.
“I’ll pick you up at the airport, just let me know when you are coming in,” she’d say.
“No worries, I will take the bus; it is so easy!”
“I’ll pick you up at the bus stop,” she would offer.
“After all that sitting on the airplanes, I am happy to walk. It’s not far,” I would protest. And because I never told her exactly when I was getting in or notified her when I got on the bus, it worked. While I was there, I walked everywhere, unless I needed to hop on the T.
This time when she brought up driving me back to the airport, I told her honestly that I did not feel safe driving with her. “I have not had an accident in more than 50 years, and that one was not my fault,” she protested.
“Yes, but you drive so slowly, keep readjusting your hands on the steering wheel, do not keep to your lane…” I started to say.
Let’s just say we agreed to disagree.
Her technology has always confused her, but there was a noticeable lack of decline in what she felt able to do. She has given away her iPad (she does not remember to whom); messages on her phone go unread for days, and more.
My mom considers herself the fit one in her friendship group, so she regularly calls friends to check in on them and arranges visits. She has an active social life and has a cat and a bearded dragon whom she adores, but she lives alone.
After I left, my older son and his wife went to visit her, then we all met in Detroit at my younger son’s wedding. It was lucky that she had them to help her get from place to place. Her mobility has never been great. She has always had one leg longer than the other, and although she wears custom-made shoes, her walking has always been slow and, in later years, painful. A few weeks earlier she “did in” her ankle, but has not been to the doctor and is in pain. It was clear during that time that she was not hearing lots of what people said to her (she does wear hearing aids, but I always think she keeps them at too low a volume) and was just smiling and nodding a lot at the various events.
When they returned to Boston, I asked my son to pass on my number (and my sister’s) to a few people who see my mom regularly. I told him, “I am worried; Grandma is often confused.”
He replied, “Yes, it’s getting much worse, especially the last week we were there.”
This is saying a lot. This is my son who is actually so much like my mom in so many ways. After college, he lived with her for a few years, and they have a really close and special relationship.
He passed on our numbers. Almost immediately, I heard back from Will. Will does gardening for my mom and others in the park. He also does various other errands for her, and in fact, stayed at her place while she was at the wedding because she was worried about leaving her cat alone. He is a super nice guy, and they have known each other for years. He sent, “This is my number; don’t be afraid to use it.”
I answered, “Thanks! I wanted you to have my number in case you notice things with my mom I should know.”
His reply: “Of course.”
My sister talked to my mom a few months ago about a test that can be done at the doctor’s office that checks for cognitive decline. At the time, she was not interested, but then later she seemed to agree she might get it done. Today I will nudge my sister to please get it done. My hope is also that my sister, who is now retired, will make space for my mom to be part of her life again. I know she will regret it if they leave things the way they are. I have texted my sister today and we agree that my mom needs more support and she is going to reach out:)
Being thousands of miles away is hard in situations like this. All I can do at this point is keep communicating. I always said I would never know or notice when she had a cognitive decline- I was wrong. I know, which makes it harder.
Ms. Victor Reads 
