transcripts & written resources for Our Flag Means Death

SCENE – BLACKBEARD'S SHIP – MAIN DECK
( tense music playing )
IZZY ( spits )
SCENE – BLACKBEARD'S CABIN
IZZY Captain... we're a few hundred yards out from "The Revenge."
ED Nice. Very good. Love that.
IZZY Honestly, I really don't think this Bonnet is worth your time.
ED Mmm. So, he's a fancy man with a fancy ship, and he travels with a brigade of imbeciles. Do I have that right?
IZZY Yes, I suppose you could put it...
ED ( holds up one homosexual finger )
ED And he bested you at swordplay.
IZZY They tricked us. It was an ambush. Completely unprofessional.
ED Hmm.
IZZY So, what's the plan, sir? Do we open fire? Or would you rather we just attack them, kill them, throw them out to the sharks, sir?
ED Wait till they make landfall then invite 'em aboard the ship. And, Izzy, I want you to handle this personally.
IZZY Oh, Edward, can't I just send the boys?
ED Mm-mm. No, I want this done right. After all, he is a gentleman. We want to make a good impression.
IZZY Stupid fսckin' Stede Bonnet.
TITLE CREDITS
( harpsichord fanfare )
SCENE – REVENGE – CAPTAIN'S CABIN
STEDE Blackbeard, Captain Kidd... The Gentleman Pirate. What do those names conjure for you?
FRENCHIE Well, the first two are, like, very, very talented pirates. The badger's knackers. But I have no idea who the... last bloke is.
STEDE Well, the last one is the scariest of them all.
FRENCHIE Oh yeah? Keep talkin'.
STEDE Yeah, he's a killer. But instead of killing with weapons, he kills with... kindness.
FRENCHIE Oh, right, so you're the G-Gentleman Pirate, then?
STEDE Well-sussed!
? Yeah.
STEDE Polite menace. That'll be my brand. Every legendary pirate needs one. You getting all this?
FRENCHIE Yep. Yes, I am.
( Frenchie clears throat )
FRENCHIE Um... as I said before, Captain, I'm not the strongest writer.
STEDE Hmm.
FRENCHIE Or reader.
STEDE Well, there's no words on there at all.
FRENCHIE No, 'cause I've drawn them.
STEDE Right. Well, you'll have to do until we find Lucius. I just hope he's not dead. That could be bad... for the general vibe around here.
? Yeah.
FRENCHIE Oh, actually, uh, since we're on the subject of bad vibes, what is the plan for the remaining hostage?
STEDE Remaining hostage?
FRENCHIE He's still out there. Not lookin' great.
STEDE Oh god, we need a plan.
FRENCHIE Mm, 'cause he's kind of bringin' everyone down, bit of a pirate pooper.
SCENE – REVENGE – MAIN DECK
STEDE Dear lord, it smells like he's been roasting.
ROACH The sun did work its wonders.
BUTTONS Well good and savory now, Cap'n. Some nice crispy bits there.
STEDE Yes, well, let's get him some water... and maybe hold a jacket over his head or something. Generate some shade.
HOSTAGE Ah, that's... lovely. Cheers.
STEDE Right, well, what should we do with our hostage? Any ideas?
PETE Ooh! I know.
? What, you mean other than kill him?
STEDE Oh, everyone does that. I think a gentleman rises above those baser instincts. Black Pete, did you have an idea?
PETE Nah, I was just gonna say kill him.
FRENCHIE Oh, uh, cut off all his limbs and turn his back into a table.
STEDE No, let's not. Thank you, though. Anyone else?
ROACH We could ransom him back to the English.
STEDE Ooh, good thinking, Roach.
? Ah.
BUTTONS What ya need... is a fence. I reckon you'll find one... at The Republic of Pirates. An isle not too far at all, where the law lies doggo and plunderers rule.
STEDE Well, one can only hope he's talking to us, in which case, wow! Now that sounds like the place to be, right?
OLUWANDE No, it's shit. It's become quite touristy, I've heard, and just not as cool anymore. Right, Jim?
JIM ( shrugs, rolls eyes )
STEDE Well, I'll be the judge of that. It's time for the wider criminal community to meet the Gentleman Pirate.
PETE Oh my god, no.
STEDE Mr. Buttons... set a course for the Republic of Pirates.
BUTTONS Aye, aye, Cap'n! Hoist the main brace.
SCENE – OLUWANDE+JIM'S CABIN
OLUWANDE We can't go back there. Spanish Jackie has put a price on your head, remember?
JIM You mean for the thing with her husband?
OLUWANDE The thi... Yes, the thing where you killed him.
JIM Pff. Olu, grow up. We live in a state of nature. Besides, she's got, like, 20 husbands. Well, 19 now.
OLUWANDE Jim... a fake beard and a wax nose is not gonna fool Jackie. You couldn't even fool Lucius!
JIM Oh, mm, that's different. Ese bastardito caught me unawares.
LUCIUS ( inside the trunk ) I'll tell no one! I swear!
JIM Cállate, hombrecito. Maybe, in your next life, you'll be a little less nosey, huh? ( thumps trunk )
LUCIUS Ow! Jesus.
JIM Can you help me throw this overboard?
OLUWANDE I don't think that's a good idea, us being on the same team and all.
JIM Fine.
LUCIUS ( gasps ) Oh god! Oh god! Thank you! Oh, you made a wise decision today, and I feel really good about this.
JIM Nope, I can't do this. Get back in.
JIM [me tienes hasta aqui con tu cantallito de mierda...]
LUCIUS No, no, no! You can't! You can't! You don't know what it's like in there!
STEDE ( opens door ) Have either of you seen... Lucius, there you are. Oh god, why're you so sweaty?
LUCIUS Um, so we have been exercising together because we want our bodies to be smaller. Everything's fine.
STEDE Well, I'm not fine. I've got a journal full of doodles instead of words. I'm glad you're making friends, but tighten up, mate. Come on. I need your help getting me dressed for the big day.
SCENE – DISEMBARKING
( lively chatter, laughter )
( retching )
? All right, it's a bit gentrified, but it's still the Republic of Pirates.
? I remember when this place was gritty.
ROACH What, 10 years ago? Please, place got lame. Is that a gift shop?
STEDE ( gasps ) Republic of Pirates. Quite the hellish cesspool. Come along.
LUCIUS Sorry, um, do these outfits maybe feel like an error in judgment, or...
STEDE It's a power move. Make people feel underdressed, and suddenly you're the one in charge.
LUCIUS ( yelling ) No, no, no, no, no! Oh god, this isn't happening!
STEDE Aww, come on! You couldn't have sidestepped?
LUCIUS ( crying )
STEDE Right, too late. Let's go. Maybe just take the jacket off.
SCENE – REPUBLIC OF PIRATES
( coughing )
STEDE I've never felt so at home.
STEDE Man for sale! Man for sale! Healthy, sturdy, obedient man for sale!
? Captain?
PETE So, we're leaving, right?
? Yeah, and quickly.
STEDE Man for sale!
LUCIUS Listen, I think you might wanna adjust the pitch because it's quite unclear what you're selling.
STEDE Look, I might be new to pirating, but I know a thing or two about salesmanship.
? After you.
STEDE Check out this fabulous booty I'm hawkin'!
SCENE – ANOTHER PART OF THE REPUBLIC
JIM Whoa. Bonifacia Jimenez, wanted for murder.
OLUWANDE I told you Jackie was still pissed.
JIM Reward, 50 doubloons?! That's it?
OLUWANDE I think you're gettin' the wrong message, Jim.
JIM But I, I wasted her husband! That's worth a thousand doubloons at least!
OLUWANDE Shh! Quit shouting!
SCENE – REPUBLIC OF PIRATES
STEDE Man for sale! Someone, buy my booty! Man for sale!
PERVERT Over here.
STEDE Oh, here we go.
PERVERT One piece of silver's me bid. So, do I get all three of ye's, er...
STEDE No, only one of us is for sale.
PERVERT Mm, so the other two watch, or?
LUCIUS He thinks you're a prοstitսte.
STEDE I'm no prοstitսte, mate!
PERVERT Oh. We could've made magic.
STEDE Unbelievable. Do we look like prostitutes to you?
LUCIUS Well, not terribly successful ones.
SCENE – OUTSIDE JACKIE'S
OLUWANDE Jim, what're you doin'? Someone's gonna see you.
JIM So far, so good.
OLUWANDE Jim...
? Oh, hey, guys!
STEDE Ooh, this place looks promising. Maybe we'll find some buyers in here.
OLUWANDE No, no, no, Captain. You d... You don't wanna go in there. It's a, it's a shithole. There's a lot of crime, and, uh, diseases, and, uh, poorly mixed drinks.
STEDE Jim's already gone in.
OLUWANDE Jim?! No, no, no, Jim!
STEDE Does look a bit scary in there. I'm gonna need you to hold it together, and come in.
LUCIUS Well, if it's scary, I'll probably just head back to the ship...
STEDE Ah, Lucius, look at this. Come. Come here. You have to sketch us in front of this. It's so authentic.
STEDE ( to hostage ) Look tortured.
SCENE – INSIDE JACKIE'S – DOORWAY
STEDE ( softly ): Okay, like we rehearsed.
( music, chattering )
LUCIUS Hear ye, hear ye!
( music stops )
LUCIUS ( softly ): Oh fսck.
LUCIUS Please join me in welcoming for his regional debut... The Brigand of Barbados...
STEDE ( mouthing along )
LUCIUS the Cream of the Caribbean... The Gentleman Pirate.
STEDE Hi, all. Nice to be here. I may be landed gentry, but I'm thrilled to be granted entry.
? ( nervous laugh )
( grumbles )
( coughing )
? ( clears throat )
STEDE Well, the drinks are on us.
PIRATE ( offscreen ) ( throws drink at Lucius )
( pirates laughing )
LUCIUS Oh, come on!
PIRATE ( offscreen ) Drinks be on ye now!
SCENE – AT THE BAR
? Oh... god.
OLUWANDE Jim, Jim, this is not keepin' a low profile.
GERALDO Oluwande Boodhari, as I live and breathe.
OLUWANDE Geraldo.
GERALDO You have got some world-class, rock-hard... absolutely titanic balls coming in here.
OLUWANDE You know, I actually thought you'd be dead by now.
GERALDO I did, too! Life is funny. Who's your friend?
OLUWANDE Um... This is Jim. Jim... You don't know Jim because Jim is a mute. So, that's my friend.
GERALDO Naturally, Jackie's gonna want a word.
( ominous music playing )
OLUWANDE Yeah, no, naturally. Um... just, uh, just let me know when...
GERALDO Now, man!
GERALDO ( to Jim ) Not you!
SCENE – JACKIE'S TABLE
OLUWANDE Hey, Jackie. Lads.
SPANISH JACKIE Have a seat.
OLUWANDE Yep.
SPANISH JACKIE No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. ( tapping chair ) Right here.
OLUWANDE Hey.
SPANISH JACKIE Olu, Olu... Olu. Where you been? You been avoiding me?
OLUWANDE What? No, no, I... I actually thought you were kind of mad at me, if I'm honest.
SPANISH JACKIE Why would Jackie be mad?
OLUWANDE Well, I kind of recommended you hire a waitress... who stabbed your favorite husband up, so.
SPANISH JACKIE Oh yeah, that's true, that's true. Bonifacia Jimenez. The bitch who stole my life. The bitch who stole my joy. But it's not like you had anything to do with it, right? Like you helped her set it up?
OLUWANDE N-No. C... Uh, correct. I barely even knew the bitch.
? Ooh.
SPANISH JACKIE But you do know where she is, though, right? ( cocking gun ) Seems like I remember both of you guys leavin' town... at the same time.
OLUWANDE I killed her! I killed her. Yeah, I didn't, I didn't like the way she... handled herself. I thought it were kind of g-gauche... if I'm honest.
SPANISH JACKIE I appreciate that, kid. It was fսckin' kinda gauche. You know, Jackie got feelings, too. Jackie is a person also. What about your sexy little friend over there? You gonna invite him over?
OLUWANDE Yeah... I'd love to.
SCENE – AT THE BAR
STEDE Barkeep!
GERALDO What?
STEDE Uh, please bring us a round of your finest wine.
GERALDO We're out of wine.
STEDE Well, then what's this all over my boy?
GERALDO That's blood. I mean, we serve that. Do you want blood?
STEDE I think we'll go for something stronger. Bring us a round of... Eww... ugh... Ah, this tasty-looking stuff. On the double!
STEDE ( to Lucius ) It's good, isn't it? Being amongst proper maniacs. No amateurs here, Lucius.
STEDE Ah. Mm, it's nutty. What do you call this?
GERALDO It's juice from the nose jar.
STEDE Hmm?
GERALDO Jackie's been collecting them for years. You misbehave... ( makes slicing noise ) you end up in here.
STEDE, LUCIUS ( both gagging )
LUCIUS? Oh god.
IZZY I've a few colleagues in there.
( gagging )
STEDE You again.
GERALDO Mr. Hands, welcome. It's been a while.
IZZY Yeah... because I hate this fսcking place.
IZZY But for some inexplicable reason, my boss would like a word with you, Bonnet.
STEDE Yes, well, everyone wants a piece of the Gentleman Pirate. Get in line. I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, Iggy.
IZZY Izzy.
STEDE Whatever, I don't care, but we're busy at the moment, fencing our remaining hostage. AKA, the one you didn't manage to steal.
IZZY So, I'll tell my captain that you're declining then, yeah?
STEDE Or tell him he's got terrible taste in flunkies, and he can go suck eggs in hell.
IZZY ( softly ): Gladly.
SCENE – JACKIE'S TABLE
SPANISH JACKIE To my dead hubby!
? Yes!
OLUWANDE Yes.
SPANISH JACKIE Alfeo de la Vaca! One of the best that ever done it.
SPANISH JACKIE ( laughs ) Mmm. He was a saint.
SPANISH JACKIE I keep a altar to him in the back with a couple of his mementos.
SPANISH JACKIE ( Spanish guitar playing )
PIRATE Jackie, you are needed.
SPANISH JACKIE Business calls. Don't go anywhere.
OLUWANDE Oh, my god.
JIM I bet she's got my dagger back there.
OLUWANDE Okay, look, you've proven your point. Now, can we just let this go?
JIM Fine.
OLUWANDE Jim, what are you doin'? What are you do... J...
SCENE – AT A CARD TABLE
CARD PLAYER I'd maybe give ya 20 doubloons for the Brit.
STEDE Seems a tad low. We're already expecting another offer.
LUCIUS From who? The prοstitսte bloke?
STEDE Ha, ha! No. The bidding starts at 50 doubloons. Take it or shake it.
CARD PLAYERS 50. 51. 60. 61. ( yelling )
LUCIUS Should we attempt to lower the temperature, or...
STEDE No, no. Don't be scared. This is a bidding war.
( yelling )
LUCIUS Okay, it's startin' to look like an actual war!
STEDE Think it through guys, please!
SCENE – THE BACK ROOM
JIM Alfeo de la Vaca. The man who killed my family. We meet again, pendejo.
JIM Now give me back my dagger. Where is it?
( door shuts )
SPANISH JACKIE I knew you was a thief. ♪ ♪ But I loves me a thief.
SCENE – CARD TABLE
( yelling )
STEDE C'mon, guys.
( yelling )
STEDE I think we should intervene.
LUCIUS No, you intervene.
STEDE Fine, I'll intervene. Don't kill one another, you guys!
SCENE – THE BACK ROOM
SPANISH JACKIE Ooh... ( chuckles ) you are one sexy thing. Relax... You're stiff in all the wrong places.
SPANISH JACKIE ( chuckles )
? ( grunts )
( offscreen crashing )
PIRATE ( offscreen ) Oh, sorry!
SPANISH JACKIE My noses!
SCENE – AT THE BAR
STEDE Lucius, can you please help me pick these up?
LUCIUS No, I'm not gonna do that, sorry.
( tense music playing )
STEDE Oh...
SPANISH JACKIE Fսck is you supposed to be?
STEDE Hi, I'm Stede.
LUCIUS He's the Gentleman Pirate.
SPANISH JACKIE Well, I got bad news for you, Genital Pirate. I'm about to start a whole new nose jar.
GERALDO Uh, baby...
SPANISH JACKIE Don't say that. Don't call me that.
GERALDO Well, I just figured since we're married, and...
SPANISH JACKIE None of my other husbands have a problem with it.
JIM ( whispering ) That's mine.
SPANISH JACKIE Do not call me that in here.
GERALDO Okay, well, Izzy Hands was in here asking about him for his boss.
SPANISH JACKIE Blackbeard? Muthafuckin' Blackbeard wanna talk to this guy?
? ( exhales )
STEDE Thank you so much.
SPANISH JACKIE Shut up. You're an idiot... and you're banished. Do not darken my doorstep again.
? Lovely.
LUCIUS Well, I'll just, I'll just squeeze past then. Thank you so much for having us.
SCENE – DOORWAY
STEDE Well, the Gentleman Pirate bids you all...
( glass shattering )
STEDE Ah!
( pirating shouting )
SCENE – BLACKBEARD'S CABIN
IZZY He's not interested in meeting.
ED What?
IZZY I explicitly told him... Blackbeard desired his company.
ED But does he know who I am?
IZZY Seemed to, yeah.
ED And still, he said no.
IZZY You can "go suck eggs in hell" was his response, I believe.
ED Fascinating.
SCENE – REPUBLIC OF PIRATES
STEDE I'm starting to think you're not the only one who's not cut out for this, Lucius.
HOSTAGE Don't be too hard on yourself. Anyone could break a nose jar.
STEDE Well, see, this is what I'm talking about. You and I, we shouldn't have this kind of rapport.
CREEPER Hey there. Are you the fancy man sellin' the British bloke?
STEDE No!
LUCIUS ( nudges him )
STEDE Wait, yes. Oh, are you interested?
CREEPER Terribly. And I'd pay handsomely...
STEDE Deal.
CREEPER For parts of him.
STEDE Wait, what?
CREEPER I'll do the disassembly myself.
HOSTAGE You're not actually considering this, are you?
STEDE Hmm? No... No.
( gun clicks )
STEDE ( gasps )
GERALDO Kick rocks, freak. Big boys need to talk.
? No, no, no, no, no.
GERALDO Hey.
STEDE Hey.
GERALDO I'm gonna shoot you straight, man. When you first came in, I didn't think you had balls... at all. Yeah. But when I saw how you handled yourself with Jackie, I was like, "Oh man, he's got balls! For days!"
STEDE Really?
GERALDO Yeah.
STEDE Balls for days. Maybe I do.
GERALDO Listen, I, I got a little bit of, um... a side hustle with an exclusive client, but he only deals with... refined types, like yourself.
STEDE Hmm!
GERALDO He's gonna love you.
SCENE – REVENGE – OLUWANDE+JIM'S CABIN
OLUWANDE You almost got us killed! You know that, right?! And for what? She didn't even have the dagger!
JIM She did!
JIM [ Spanish - esa ? maldita ]
JIM on Stede's stupid fucking nose! I would've had it if you didn't rush us out of there.
( knocks on door )
OLUWANDE Shh!
LUCIUS ( outside ) Hi, guys. Oh, guy, well, guy...
LUCIUS Well, guy and lady...
JIM Oh, you are pushing your luck, hombrecito.
LUCIUS Um, I was just wondering whether your dagger had, um, something on the handle, a family name, maybe? J...
JIM Jimenez. ¿Qué pasa?
LUCIUS Uh, well... ( sings ) Ahh!
JIM You found it.
LUCIUS Yeah, yeah. Well, I guess you could say I'm a bit of a pickpocket from back in the day. I don't like to even talk about it. It was not cute...
JIM Now this... is a good friend.
JIM ( kisses Lucius )
LUCIUS Oh, my god. Okay... well, wouldn't that be crazy if I was suddenly like, into Jim? ( laughs ) Okay. All right, then.
SCENE – REVENGE – MAIN DECK
BUTTONS Makin' our approach now, Captain!
STEDE Oh. That doesn't look like a private vessel.
GERALDO Oh, it's not. Sorry, I thought I said, uh... we're selling your guy to the Spanish Navy.
STEDE Oh... And we're sure they're friendly?
GERALDO Oh yeah. These guys are the best. Super chill. Come on. We'll make this quick.
GERALDO ( pointing to Jim ) Let's bring that guy. He looks tough.
SCENE – DINGHY TO SPANISH SHIP
STEDE In honor of our hosts, I've had Roach put together some food. I made an assortment of tapas. Tapas means "little plates."
GERALDO Yeah, I know about tapas.
ROACH They're like catnip to Spaniards.
STEDE Oh, exactly. Besides, a gentleman never arrives empty-handed.
SCENE – DIS/EMBARKING
STEDE Lucius, once I climb aboard, I want you to start sketching. The world's about to witness the Gentleman Pirate's first business transaction.
STEDE Oh! Now this is a ladder.
SCENE – SPANISH SHIP – MAIN DECK
STEDE Loving your ladder setup, by the way. Very stable.
SPANISH CAPITAN El Gentleman Pirata?
STEDE I am he.
( ominous harpsichord playing )
STEDE Oh... I think there's been a mistake.
( grunts )
( gasps )
SPANISH CAPTAIN [Asi tratamos a los piratas] "And that's how we treat pirates."
STEDE ( winces )
STEDE ( sharp exhale ) Did y... Did you mean to do that?
SPANISH CAPTAIN [ Spanish ] "Filthy scum."
? [ Spanish ]
GERALDO Hold on! Bring that one back. Almost forgot.
GERALDO Jackie wanted this for the new jar.
( grunting )
? No. Oh!
( grunting )
( all yelling )
? Oh, my god! His nose! Oh god, no!
( pirates shouting )
( yelling )
STEDE Jim's a woman?! Did you know that?
ROACH How would I know that?!
LUCIUS Oh, thank god it's out. I'm so bad at keeping secrets.
JIM [Felicidades, cara de culo] "Congratulations, ass-face."
STEDE And she can talk?
JIM ( spits )
GERALDO I'm actually super into that, so... thanks. Jackie made you straight away. She just wanted to watch you sweat a little bit.
SCENE – MEANWHILE JACKIE
GERALDO ( voiceover ) All she had to do was set a low bounty... sit back, and wait for you to return.
SPANISH JACKIE Adios, Bonifacia.
SCENE – SPANISH SHIP – MAIN DECK
GERALDO You can't fool her. She's Jackie... the love of my life. And she's got the biggest balls of them all.
♪ ♪
STEDE I'm sorry, guys.
SPANISH CAPTAIN? Any last words?
JIM Yeah... You are the worst fսckin' pirate captain in history.
STEDE I deserve that.
SPANISH CAPTAIN Okay, so, uh, eh... are you done? Is that it? Were those your... last words? ( laughs )
( yelling )
( cannon fire )
( intense music playing )
STEDE Help me!
( yelling )
♪ ♪
( shouting continues )
♪ ♪
( thudding footsteps )
ED The Gentlemen Pirate, I presume.
STEDE You've heard of me?
ED Oh yeah, I've heard of you. I've heard all about you.
( "Our Prayer" by The Beach Boys playing )
END CREDITS
♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Ahh, ooh ♪ ♪ Ahh ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Ahh, ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Ahh ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Ahh ♪ ♪ Hmm ♪