ramblings

Don't have COVID-19 AFAIK.

Still wish I was dead. I hate my life. I hate my family.

I forgot my password. Oops.

Still employed! But I'm paranoid as all hell because my boss still dislikes me.

Due to a sale I have purchased my first tablet, the iPad (7th Gen).

The Yoshi Switch game wasn't on sale so I didn't buy it. Bungie had trash offerings for Black Friday so nothing there.

I bought a pair of boots from Zara.

I'm still waiting for Nancy Birtwhistle's cookbook to be delivered. It was shipping on 11/25 and according to her email it should take "5-6 working days" so I should get it any day now. I wish there had been tracking. I spent $50 on it.

I haven't written anything.

 I desperately need a car so I can have some privacy and independence. I want some real life friends goddamn it.

Almost the new year. I hope this one is less stressful than the last. I need a mental break.

I also fiddled with the stickied posts on my page so my intro post is stickied and ahead of the ships post. I wish I could spoilers tag the ships post so its shorter. The cut function does not serve the purpose I want.

 I really want to start writing again but I keep waffling. I've written down notes for what I want to write but actually writing it out... I haven't been able to. Also haven't gotten started on the three books I want to read this month, even though the month is almost over already. Been using my laptop and phone way too much I think. Close to that "addiction" stage. About the only time I'm not staring at a screen is when I'm asleep. 

Graduated university.

Finally got a job on my 22nd birthday. $12/hour, part-time, 26 hours/week.

Really uncomfortable being at home. Wish I lived away from my family. Really wish I had a car.

Still do not have any IRL friends, still have not written anything, made some reading progress.

 Time: 10:07pm

In the middle of a 6 day weekend. Barely made a ding in my essay. Maybe read 20 pages of one book (out of 3) that I'm supposed to read and have written zero words. My mom's harasses me every day. Thankfully it's been limited to texts and email and not phone calls. 

Also told one of my suitemates that I'm bisexual. Time will tell how she reacts. 

My 3DS is being a piece of crap and not accepting that I'm online. It keeps saying I'm offline when I open my friends list. Urgh. But that's a minor issue.

I turn 21 in 9 days. 

Time: 10:13pm

 Let's give this journaling this a try, shall we? 

It is currently 5:04pm on Nov 4, 2014 and I'm sitting in PLS 481: California Gov't.

My winter allergies started today so my nose is all stuffed up and I can't breathe.

Mom's iPad got fixed so now I'm once again subjected to her annoying texts. Though after reading Shanghai Girls by Lisa See, I feel like being a little more obedient (lol guilt). I'm debating whether or not I should get the sequel but I absolutely should not be buying any more books because I already have no room and we're supposed to be moving into a smaller townhouse (herp derp our income is a big fat fucking zero so we have to sell our house).

See's books are kinda like the kind of books I want to write. But I also want to write a fantasy series on the level of LOTR but wherein most of the characters are female and they're ALL queer. Because I could only think of one fantasy series wherein the main character was a female (and in that series each book has a different narrator but in the same fantasy world so really only the first book has a female main character).

Ho hum what else happened today... 3 maintenance guys came back to check the TV. It took them 30 minutes to determine that the problem was not my TV or my outlets so they left, telling me that it was a campus problem and they'd give IT a call. A few hours later they came back and said they replaced a part (in the dish?) and the TV started working again but the picture is still laggy. So bleh. (This is my 2nd work order of the year and both times they caught me in my PJs)

Feeling extra shitty about my appearance. I really should've switched my regular frames and my sunglasses frames in the summer but I didn't because I didn't want to spend money. But if by Christmas break, we've moved (CROSS YOUR FINGERS), I will ask my mom to take me to an optometrist and switch my frames.  

Stressing out over what is going to happen after I graduate from uni. Plan is to work for at least 2-3 years before even considering grad school. Also stressing out over what my senior thesis is going to be about. Urgh. I'm no good at history.

It is now 5:19pm.

I am just so fucking tired of everything all the time these days. I don't care about school, I don't care about my future. I've actually lost my interest in reading. All I read these days is femslash fanfiction because it's easy and mindless and something that I'm used to. I'm seriously addicted to it. I stay up reading it every night, I read it instead of paying attention in class. I buy my textbooks for class but I don't read them. I barely even class at the cover. I just take them out in class to pretend that I'm a functioning student.
I'm just tired all the time. I was sick for like a month and I still feel like throwing up or passing out half the time these days. My health is basically nonexistent? I barely eat, just drink a lot of juice and water to pretend I'm putting a vague effort into getting nutrition. My mom texts me asking me what I ate and I just lie.

I don't even like twitter or skype or tumblr anymore. I just use tumblr because it's what I'm used to and a time waster because I feel guilty if I sleep all day (seriously I was in bed until 3pm today). My tv is almost always on. I haven't written anything worthwhile in years.

I give no fucks about my future. My professors all talk about grad school or jobs and I just don't care. Next quarter I have to start doing my senior thesis which is the 40+ page paper I have to write in order to graduate and I don't even know what I want to write about? Hell I don't even care about my assignments this quarter. I just don't care. The only thing I like about college is that I'm not living at home because my family is just fucking irritating. They nag me all the time and I'm just so DONE.

Like I have no social life or job or any other obligations so I should technically be a straight A student because I have all the time in the world to study and do homework but I don't because I don't care. I don't feel anything. I have my textbook open to the pages I'm supposed to read for class tomorrow and I don't care. Nothing interests me anymore and I don't even fucking know why. I just stopped caring about everything.

I sleep, watch tv, use my laptop, or daydream about what I could be if I wasn't such a lazy, useless piece of shit (I have some weird obsession with being verified on twitter? Idk it's fucking weird but it's there).

I'm just exhausted which doesn't make sense because I haven't fucking done anything remotely productive. I haven't put effort into anything but I'm tired all the fucking time.