You may or may not have noticed I have been quiet lately. I’m in the midst of a transitional period in my life and I’m trying to find my feet again.
My focus has shifted to understanding what this new part of life means and where I want to be. I’ve had to set myself free from a lifetime of coping mechanisms and living in survival mode.
I stand here today with the ash settling and the mess to be cleaned up. Once the mess is cleaned, I will begin rebuilding myself. I am starting with nothing, but it is better than living life in a way that wasn’t working for me.
I have an overwhelming list of things in my mind that I need to ‘fix’ and it’s all going to start with a deep breath and continue with focus.
Right now, I am just enjoying my own space and taking my time to gain my bearings. The canvas is blank, and I intend to fill it with beauty.
There have been tears, there has been grieving, there has been uncertainty. But above all, there has been hope.
As I move forward in life, I carry hope and courage with me. I carry my thoughts and words as well.
The journey I am on is personal, and it’s time to live the life I’ve wanted and deserved.
I am starting from scratch, my focus is clear and the future looks bright.
I’m a little over 12 months into my job and I’ve been asked by my Editor to step up for him while he is on leave. I feel honoured.
When I started in May last year, I was still very much a shy woman full of fear. Granted I knew that I wanted to face those fears back then, and it has paid off.
I am now capable of taking on larger responsibilities, but more importantly, I feel confident in my ability to be able to succeed.
My love of learning keeps me growing. I learn fast, I observe constantly, I listen and absorb everything I can.
My goal has always been to be the best journalist I can be. To be a journalist that people can rely on to provide correct information, to learn from, and be inspired by one day.
Having said that, I also love the idea of taking charge and being someone that young journalists will look up to one day. Someone that they can rely on to guide them through a never-ending news cycle and constantly changing industry.
One day, I would love to be an Editor and this opportunity allows me to get some experience as one.
The fact that in a little over a year, I’ve been asked to take on the responsibility fills me with an immense sense of pride.
The Editor trusts this not-so-long-ago shy journalist to keep the wheel spinning for three mastheads. The Editor thinks I am capable of stepping up and leading our small team.
I feel like not only the young adult in Uni, but the young adult who fought to get a journalism job for 7 years after graduating has been waiting for this moment.
To know that I am at a point where I am trusted to lead the team in the Editor’s absence means everything to me.
Sometimes in life, we lose sight of who we really are. When that happens everything becomes for lack of a better word, meaningless.
We start to live on auto-pilot, just going through the motions of life. Nothing thrills us, nothing awe inspires us and nothing moves us.
There can be so many reasons we lose ourselves. Focusing on everybody else’s needs but our own, mental health issues, and unexpected life events to name a few.
The strangest thing about losing ones sense of self is that we barely notice it until something unexpectedly reconnects us to our souls.
It could be a song, a piece of art, or even just a day out of the house that brings things back into perspective.
I’d lost myself for longer than I cared to admit, but have found glimmers of who I am, what I love, and what I dream of over the last year or so.
It started with going to concerts. It was there I located inspiration, my long-lost sense of humour and my fun-loving side.
Over time, it has expanded to making more time for fun with friends, going to art galleries, theatres, and writing more.
The more adventures I have, the more it fuels my soul and brings me back to who I am.
The more I am brought back to who I am, the happier I am with being reacquainted with myself.
I begin to wonder, why and how I even lost myself in the first place.
The truth is, beyond all the fear I have (thanks to anxiety and trauma) there is a bigger sense of wonder.
After rough time upon rough time, I’m finally starting to see the world as a playground again.
I am smiling more, feeling more, and opening myself up to possibilities.
Finding yourself again has to be one of the most amazing feelings a person can have. It’s like coming home to someone you’ve missed dearly.
Everyone’s journey is different, but if you are feeling lost I sure hope you come across that unexpected thing that leads you back to you.
I’ve been debating whether or not I even wanted to share this, but for the sake of anyone out there going through a similar situation, I will.
It should be noted that I don’t want sympathy or even well wishes. I just want to be raw and honest.
I’m still physically and emotionally recovering from my bout of pancreatitis (you can read more about that here) but it seems my health saga continues.
While having my follow-up CT scan on my pancreas, A mass was detected on my ovary, which is in the process of further investigation. The truth is, I am terrified.
The Doctor tells me that at my age the ‘tumours’ are unlikely to be cancerous. But the fear is still there.
Even the slightest entertainment of the word ‘Cancer’ has brought my world to a standstill.
I’m finding it hard to look forward to things when even the slightest possibility of cancer hangs over my head.
It’s brought my own mortality to the surface and drowned my thoughts with ‘What ifs.’
What if this is it? What if it is Cancer? What if my whole life is about to change?
This ‘waiting for further testing or results’ anxiety is something that so many go through. It can be paralysing and consuming.
I’ve found that the fear, frustration, and exhaustion persevere despite rationalising with myself that 1. The Doctor said I shouldn’t freak out too much because it’s highly unlikely. 2. I don’t know yet, so why worry. 3. There are others who are actually going through worse (I know my feelings are valid, but it doesn’t make me feel any less guilty for being a drama queen.)
Honestly, I am feeling overwhelmed beyond belief. The truth is I’m struggling to get out of bed for anything other than work and essential errands.
I’ve isolated myself because the last few months are weighing heavy on me. I’m struggling to set my career and other life goals, let alone work on them because I’m currently stuck in taking one day at a time. It”s been like this since March when I first became ill.
I’m exhausted, I’m scared, but I keep going and eventually, this will all be behind me.
It will be a long couple of weeks before I find out for sure if the mass is benign, but until then I’ve got my fingers crossed and taking care of myself as my number one priority.
‘I’ve just been rolling with the punches’ lately, as people say.
Honestly, I haven’t been myself for goodness knows how long.
A bout of pancreatitis will do that to a person, I guess.
In the weeks leading up to my week in Hospital, I didn’t feel right. I felt sluggish, unmotivated and lived on day to day basis. I was frustrated with myself for feeling this way and not knowing why.
Then one day, On my way into town for some interviews a nasty stomach ache came out of nowhere. I brushed it off at first because frankly, a stomach ache isn’t out of the ordinary for me. My stomach has always given me a bit of drama.
As the day went on, the pain worsened and I found myself on a struggle to drive back home. Not even my favourite music could distract me. This was awful.
I ended up in an ambulance, was taken to the local hospital, and then eventually transferred to Nepean. An hour and a half away from my family and alone was scary, but I took it as I came.
I spent the first night in the ER under the close watch of the nurses due to my heart rate. It was either pancreatitis or the fact I was shit scared. Who knows?
Thankfully, I didn’t need surgery but I was in the hospital for a week. I spent two days fasting with IVs attached to me the whole time.
One of the IVs was an insulin infusion to help reduce the primary cause of my pancreatitis, and because of that I needed my finger pricked every two hours; even in my sleep.
With the exception of the visits from my Mother every second day, I was very unwell and felt very alone.
I was slightly scared, but I was also my usual brave self. What choice did I have?
It was a long physically and mentally draining week, and to be honest I don’t think I’ve fully recovered yet.
I feel better, but I don’t feel right.
Physically, I am still tired, and mentally I am drained, overwhelmed and still taking each day as it comes.
Honestly, It’s been A LOT, and I need to acknowledge that.
I’m not striving for more in the present moment, and I think I need to be okay with that.
I am still healing, and I WILL heal. Despite the hell I endured, I am lucky to know I will get better eventually.
It has been hard when my brain wants to do so much more than my body can do right now, but I need to be patient.
I am so exhausted all the time right now, but I keep going on and doing what I need to do.
I rest when I can, and eventually, I won’t feel so tired anymore.
I have a busy few weeks ahead of me and I don’t know where I am going to get the energy or strength from to do it all, but I will.
Anything that is coming, I can handle; because I am taking it as it comes.
The days are pretty average for me, I still have a lot of medical follow-ups, but there will be better days eventually.
Change is one of the strangest and most certain parts of life.
Some changes are sudden and shocking, while others you can see before they even materialise.
In the second case, you can find yourself stuck in a strange limbo. The last chapter is done, but the next one hasn’t started.
I’ve been living with the feeling for the longest time. It is frustrating and it seems endless, but maybe there are lessons to be found in the ‘in between’ stage.
In this phase, you will find it can be an opportunity for reflecting. What lessons did I learn from previous experiences? How can I use these lessons in the future?
It can also be a great time to think about what your goals are moving forward. What do you want to achieve? Where do you want to be?
I have found the silence of this stage to be uncomfortable because I am forced to think about my life. My busy mind can’t stand it, but part of me tells me to continue to be patient. Whatever it is that’s coming is worth the wait.
I have found comfort in upbeat music and spending time with family and pets. There is one thing I haven’t been doing lately that is the most obvious thing I should be; writing.
Writing is part of my process. It gives me the time to get out of my head and for my inner wisdom to be brought to the surface.
This is the way I feel, this is why I feel it and this is how I will get through it. To write is to understand.
As I sit here writing this, I have doubted why anyone would want to read it. But I am going to publish this anyway because there may be someone feeling the same and maybe they will feel better for seeing it.
2022 started out with a bang for me, quite literally. On January 2nd I was in a car accident. Fortunately, I only sustained a broken toe from having my foot on the clutch as I was rear-ended while stationary.
Within the first couple of weeks, I ended up with a broken finger as well. Walking around in a Moonboot and having my fingers wrapped was less than ideal, but it paved the way for a year of broken things to heal.
2022 may have started out rough, but it brought so much growth and change for me. The same year I broke my toe, I danced like never before. The same year I frowned in frustration, I regained my smile. The same year that brought hardships, brought peace.
The biggest highlight of the year for me has been getting my full-time journalist job. For the better part of 15 years, it has been my dream to be a journalist. To be able to tell stories that matter both to and for people has been my favourite part. I want to move, inspire and help people realise they aren’t alone in situations. While getting my job has been a dream come true, I can tell it is only the beginning of a fulfilling career.
2022 has encouraged me to get out of my comfort zone, feel the fear and do it anyway. I feel that I am completely different from the woman I was at the beginning of the year. I laugh more, smile more, feel more, and share what I’m thinking more.
I have learned many lessons this year, but one that stands out the most has been about change. Whilst change can be sudden, it is more often gradual. You don’t really notice some of life’s most significant changes straight away. I’ve noticed my mindset has changed, I am more self-aware and able to better deal with stressors.
Upon reflecting on what I’ve learned in 2022, I’ve realised that I don’t need resolutions, I don’t need to immediately change everything in order to have a ‘better’ 2023. Change is gradual, I’m a work in progress and life is an ongoing journey.
As I walk into 2023, the only thing I feel I need to do is to keep going. Keep learning, keep reaching beyond the level of comfort, keep setting goals, and keep growing.
While the first few days of 2023 may seem like much of the same, things will look completely different this time next year.
Reidun's rumination 
