It's like a large animal biting down at the back of my neck. Shaking me, not letting me go. And I just try to stay limp as a rag doll and hope that it will lose interest that it will drop me to the ground soon. My heart is beating fast although I am sitting/lying completely still, I can hardly breathe, I feel nauseous, and I am AFRAID. I can't think of anything else. I'm so afraid I can't even pray just think oh my God oh my God. So afraid I cant even recall any prayer I know. When will this stop?!Stop and never come back?!

He's been with me for 6 months now. We love each other. And I'm SO VERY HAPPY about it.

I should be writing my thesis. I guess this will be the first sentence of the next 20 posts...
yesterday's happy thing: I went over to Zsofi's place and ended up sleeping there. I have such good memories about that place. Zsofi has a calming presence :) Also, she should be here, overseeing me, cause she's such a little learning machine, and a real slave driver when it comes to learni ng! I owe my A in Irish History to her :)
Also, it1s effin cold, and I'm really worried about the heating bills we are producing... :S Even tho we are trying to keep the heating at a minimum. I guess i'm gonna make lots of tea and exercise a bit so I wont have to turn it up even more :) Healthy way to save money?! :P

I can't believe I couldn't find some time to do that happy meme... :S I'll ignore the 5 day gap though, and post something. Today Dori and Miki came over for tomato soup and PANCAKES!!! MMMMM. We had a great time together but then again it's always great to spend time with them. We cleaned the whole apartment beforehands with Ed so it looks nice and shiny now :) But that also means no distraction for me... and therefore I have to start writing the first chapter of my thesis. And I hereby authorize and ask my f-list (please!!!!) to nudge me to finish my first chapter until Jan 20. I have to, I absolutely have to, but I am the procrastinator extraordinaire. That's my talent, really.

Right now, I feel like going to the gym or doing some exercises at home. That's how reluctant I am to start working! :)

Happy meme - update: I bought myself a new quilt! (warmth rate: 5, yeey! )

Ok, so I think I will start this happy meme (better late than never :) ) Overall, Christmas was fun and okay-ish, with as little quarreling as possible. I've got saucepans, so I won't have to use Grandma's from now on. (Good news, she seems to be normal again! After having me clean her kitchen for her while I was running a fever, and then yelling at me for not taking out her trash, she did not talk to me for 3 days. Then she came over and asked me how I'd been, and said she knew nothing about me being ill... pfffft. But after that she was nice, and yesterday she gave us Christmas candy.)I've also got a Hokusai book, so I'm extra-super happy with it! And E. got me the cute pjs with the geisha motives and also matching slippers!
The day we spent at my cousin's was also great. her three sons are absolutely adorable, funny, beautiful, and I felt recharged with happiness after spending the day with them.
And tomorrow, I want to go to the gym, I'm really serious about this. I have to change things in my life! My laboratory records came back on the 23th and they were crappy. I seem to have a sort of constant inflammation, and there's something amiss with several things (anemia, high cholesterol - even tho i don't really eat that much meat...). :( The birth control pill also stopped working as a result of getting 5 kinds of medication during the last three months. I feel tired all the time, I cry at everything, I don't feel like moving, I always want to sleep... I successfully managed a panic attack on the 24th though! I was really proud of myself.
Ok. So the reason for happiness today is... going to Zsofi's place in the evening and talking a LOT. :)
And also yesterday we've spent a great afternoon/evening at Dori&Miki's place, and they gave us wonderful presents, and I watched Ed, Dori and Miki play GTA and it was sooo much fun!!

I hope everyone on my f-list (and their Christmas kitties :) )had a great Christmas!

Ok, so I figured that since I have time now, maybe I should try and write a bit. Currently, I'm home with a nasty cold, sneezing and coughing simultaneously. I went to the doctor yesterday. I finally submitted my health care card. I guess at 24 it was time to switch from my pediatrician (who I didn't visit anyways) to an adult doctor. Well, I had my reward big time. He scared me to death, and told me to have several laboratory tests bc. of my kidney inflammation in September and the two UTIs since. I really don't know why my health is so poor lately... ok, to be honest, I know (no exercise, eating crap, etc.). I know I should be doing something but right now, I'm just drifting. I kinda hoped that the family therapy would help, but actually, it just makes me frustrated. We are praising my sister for going to school and not skipping classes instead!Wow! She's just amazing! :S And the move from home did make things easier, but it certainly did not solve my problems with them.
Dunno...
This ended up being a bitter post :( Maybe I should try the happy meme thing! :)

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst Habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
26) Favorite band to listen to when you're mad?
27) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
30) Do you swear a lot?
31) Biggest pet peeve?
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
34) Favourite and least favourite food?
35) Do you believe in God?
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

Somehow everything is slipping out from my fingers and I'm too numb too move. At the same time I'm changing ever so swiftly. Not for the better, I fear. So much confusion, and a lump in my throat and I just want to curl up into a tiny little ball and sleep.

Oh, noooo.... managed to sleep late in the afternoon and miss the Fair Trade films Alice told me about. Ooooh, I'm such a moron. :( I knew I should not have slept, baaah. I wanted to see those films and maybe practice a bit of French with Alice. Well, serves me right for sleeping only 3 and a half hours last night. But the school for the dyslexic kids was pretty interesting, so I would have been just as disappointed had I missed that. Almost fell asleep during Sociology, tho... so I came home, washed the dishes, washed, made lunch, showered, and decided to take a short nap. Only it ended up being 2 hours long.
Yesterday night was soooo good tho! I'm glad Dori and Alice got to know each other a bit. And Vittula is such a nice place. Too bad it's not on the Buda side, I ended up sleeping at Dori's place cause I did not want to wait another hour for the night bus. (which is a friggin joke, btw, coming only in every two hours)
Ok, off now to finish Leviathan. And there are the kuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurva kibaszott szaros visual files for Methodology as well. Nooooooooooo. I hate them soooooo. Whatever.