Preposterousity And Other Made Up Words

Imma be taking the rest of July off from blogging so please do your best to muddle through. I’d love to blame my sabbatical on Mother Nature’s heated diatribe against any individual who has the audacity to wish for more agreeable temperatures. You know what? Fuck it, Imma blame it on her. As for this latest episode, I’m just making up words as I go along. It’ll be like reading Perez Hilton without needing to chase that mess of a ramblebush (my word, not his) with Zoloft and whiskey.

And if this post is sports-centric, it’s because I barely pay attention to the news cycle these days. Sports-spotting is easy peasy George and Weezy in that even the most breakingest of news doesn’t portend the end of days. I love that for me.

ImageOne-Uppingists would best describe Angela Nikolau and Ivan Kuznetsov. The daredeviling duo climbed to the top of the Empire State Building on Wednesday. Why? Because it was there, obvs. Then Ivan got down on one knee and popped the question to Angela, which makes all the sense in the world since he’s probably never going to beat that view. They seem like a sexy, exciting couple. Which means to say, they would be exhausting as friends. Can you imagine hanging with these two? Well, I tried to imagine it . . .

So I was buttering my dinner roll with that sweet honey cinnamon butter they make at Texas Roadhouse . . my God I love that stuff. And this knucklehead gets down on one knee and long story short . . our apps got cold! So where did you propose to Angela?

On the antenna at the top of the Empire State Building. 

Check please!

ImagePreposterousity is the word I attached to the marquee because it came to me on Wednesday evening during the US Men’s 2-0 win over Bosnia and Herzegovina. The Americans were dominating the match until Folarin Balogun was issued a red card midway through the second half. It was a bullshit call and in spite of the fact the US held on to advance, now they have to play Belgium without their most electrifying player. But that’s not what inspired yours truly to create a word no one was asking for, nope. I use this word because it fits the very idea that I actually watched an entire half of soccer. And was into it!

ImageLord Middlefinger is my newest nickname for the Rasputinish Yankees manager. Aaron Boone is a yes man(ager) who has politicked his way into a nine year run as Bronx boss and it’s maddening. He manages one of the biggest brands in sports as if he’s running a spa. He’s stuck around because he follows orders and hasn’t burned down the house that Hal Built. Boone has compiled more wins than anybody not named Dave Roberts. Unlike Roberts, Boone’s teams almost always come up small in the biggest moments. And yet he thrives inside the new Steinbrenner regime, where winning the last game of the year is no longer the expectation. The Good Ship Lollipop will right itself just in time to score a playoff spot, after which they’ll be summarily dismissed by this year’s Astros or Red Sox or Blue Jays. And Boone will be lauded for making the playoffs again, with a $300 million dollar roster that has been wasted on his watch.

ImagePointification is what my favorite baller Sophie Cunningham did this week. She pointed her finger at officials after her teammate Caitlin Clark was whistled for a technical foul during an altercation with Phoenix Mercury guard DeWanna Bonner. This is where things got salty, and lemme tell you, ain’t nobody does salty like Sophie. Because when Bonner mistakenly believed the Indiana Fever guard was pointing at her and shouted at her to stop? Well . . that was a mistake. Cunningham spent the next twenty seconds pointing at Bonner, over and over and over and over and over again until Bonner’s head looked as if it might explode. Even when this chica is trolling, she’s tantalizing!

It’s official, Sophie is my spirit animal.

ImageTuapologists is the term I use for the people who claim Tua Tagovailoa was held back by a dysfunctional organization in Miami. Yet they can’t explain how Joe Burrow, Baker Mayfield, Caleb Williams, Jayden Daniels and Jared Goff somehow overcame equally shitty situations to win games in January. I think Tua’s advocates feel sorry for the little  guy, seeing as how he has proven to be fragile on and off the field. And I get that. But it doesn’t make them right. Sure the Dolphins are a portalet party, but Tua didn’t help change any of that. He’s yet another smart and talented compiler who will deliver lots of pretty numbers but no big wins. As a top five pick, you better be able to deliver on both and he just hasn’t.

ImageVancectomy- If you’re gonna lay money on Little Lord Fauntleroy for 2028, Kashi Trading is still being friendly about his chances. But lots can- and will- happen between now and election time. He’s got plenty of clowns to the left of him and even more jokers to the right but JD has proven he’s a unique blend of both. I mean, he mighta lucked his way to the convention if he was a mime, but the guy insists on opening his trap whenever a microphone is within striking distance. And the words that come out make me wonder what I saw in him when I was captivated by his life story in Hillbilly Elegy. 

Fever- Peggy Lee

Best Laid Plans

One Year Later . . . 

Dantley headed North towards Reading with Amy riding shotgun as he set his Volvo to cruise. It was the very same midnight blue edition from the Clintonian Era.  Because while he had been living life at the high roller table ever since cashing in on his Ernie Barnes original and selling the house, the truth was, money didn’t really roust his rooster. So while he splurged on a Le Creuset cast iron skillet and a bottle of Fortaleza Blanco, everything else went to his kids Sam and Tyler. He set up college savings plans and a couple high-yield savings accounts as well as some municipal bonds.

Marie took the kids with her to Ellicott City when she married Grant. It was an hour and a half away, and Dantley got them for half the summers and every other holiday. He wasn’t complaining because they loved their stepdad and Grant, as it turned out, was a mensch. The fact that he always had free tickets to Orioles and Ravens games was simply bonus round.

As for Amy and Dantley, they were officially unofficial, and they planned on keeping it that way. After Monica and Dantley decided to keep their relationship professional and Amy decided a jailhouse romance with Nick felt too much like a Lifetime movie of the week, a situationship bloomed. Open, honest, probably not forever.

They were off to Sleepy Hollow, New York for the weekend thanks to their newfound love of ghost stories. It would be a beautiful couple days worth of hiking, kayaking, tavern hopping and late night moon walks. They could pretend to be married, or divorced, or on the lam. Just for fun, they decided to be all three this weekend.

“So you’re not going to marry the serial killer after all,” Dantley smirked.

“Oh stop it. You like Nick!”

“I do, very much so. I’m simply referring to him by the definition Merriam Webster provided me with. Ya kill two or more people, you’re a serial killer,”

“Okay that’s fine, but by that definition, you also dodged a serial killer when you and Monica stopped charging room service to taxpayers,”

“There’s no proof she murdered her husband,”

Husbands, plural. So let’s look at the box-score Vin Scully . . ”

“Nice baseball reference girl!” Dantley said.

“Thank you,”

“She murdered the first husband Vincent. You, me, Nick, Riggs and every true-crime blogger knows this. The second husband Maury just up and disappeared one day after spending just about his entire life in the same little town and she can only be convicted on a podcast since no evidence was ever found to link her to either murder,”

“Well I do know one thing,” Dantley said.

“What’s that?”

“They were under the mistaken impression they could use her like a punching bag, so I’m not losing any sleep over their whereabouts,”

“You sir, are not wrong . .” Amy agreed.

“Granted, her methods might be considered a tad extreme to some people. But some people never walked in her shoes so there’s that,”

“What was it about you?”

“I had no motives or agendas. I didn’t want anything from her and she knew it. And in our brief time together, I met the young woman she never got to be. And you know what? If they hauled my ass in tomorrow and threatened me with jail time unless I flipped? I’d be bunking with Nick,”

“You’re a good man,” Amy said, placing her hand on his.

“So we’ve both slept with serial killers. Do you think there’s a support group out there for us?”

“We are the support group, handsome . .”

“You know the worst part about dating a serial killer is that you don’t know they’re a serial killer until after the fact. I mean . . I dunno . . it might’ve been even hotter . .”

“Speak for yourself. Personally, I think the conjugal visit is the way to go,”

“That good huh?”

“I’d leave a positive review with the correctional facility if I could,”

“I love that for you,”

“Umm . . not to question your navigational prowess, but this isn’t our exit handsome,”

“Just a slight detour . . promise,” Dantley winked as he pushed into second gear through the winding hills of West Reading until he was parked in front of a big blue house. He got out and Amy joined him.

“Why are we standing here?”

“The blue house you and the boys used to drive by after picking them up from school? You would dream about buying it, remember?”

“Yeah . . . so?”

“It’s yours,”

“What are you talking about?”

“I bought it. I mean, it’s not yours yet but it will be yours, free and clear . .”

“Dantley, what are you talking about?”

“It’s yours Amy,”

“If this is a joke . .”

“No joking,”

“Dantley . . . Dantley . . I . . what is happening right now?” Amy said as tears welled up and her knees went sideways as Dantley held to her.

“I know you’re feeling it because you never call me Dantley,” He smiled.

“Why? Why did you do this?”

“Because I was busy doubting everything and then a very wise woman told me something that stuck with me,”

“What was that?” Amy said as she brushed the tears away to make room for new ones.

“Cynicism is a copout,”

“You . . are the fucking worst you know that?”

“I love you too girl,”

Oh . . that little black bag? And that favor Monica asked of Dantley over French Toast and coffee! I didn’t forget, nope. How do you think our man Dantley was able to afford Amy’s new crib, after all?

With two black bags left in the free world, both containing the exact same dollar amounts, the woman had to divvy. She had been funneling seed money to Nick for his burgeoning media empire. He ran a podcast and a blog and even received a mention from Oprah.

Monica’s bag . . .her talisman . . Yeah, it was time to let go of that burning house for once and for all.

Two million dollars got cleaned. And in the doing, Jess got a healthy college fund and her mom got a cute little house in town. Josh and Emie didn’t really need anything so they got two weeks in Disney because yes, they are those people. Lisa got an advance on her book and Trudy? She got a boat, which she named, appropriately enough, Wavy Gravy.

The rest of the money went to various charities and organizations near and dear to Monica Green. She wasn’t asking the universe for a free pass. She was too busy searching for better outcomes to worry about that. It had taken her a lifetime, but she’d learned a valuable lesson about the best laid plans. Sometimes you make them, and sometimes? If you’re really lucky, they make you.

Somewhere in the Atlantic, but not too deep . . .

“How long will it take us to get to Key West Trudy?” Lisa asked.

“A day? . . . Six weeks? I’m not sure,”

“But you’ve done this before right?”

“Sailed yeah. To Key West? Never. But I mean, how hard can it be? And I’m sure if we get stuck, there’s gotta be a YouTube video that’ll fix it,”

“How did Dantley talk me into this shit?!” Lisa screamed.

“Oh relax, I’m fucking with you, God you’re so easy . .”

“Listen, I took a vow of celibacy until I finish this book. All I have in my life right now is porn, alcohol and regret and I plan on hitting all three of those bitches really hard, okay?”

“I’m gonna have to ask that you refrain from any porn while on board, sorry about that. Alcohol however . . . that I got. Liquor down below, and wine too,”

“And that’s another thing. What’s with these wine boxes?” Lisa asked.

“You never had boxed wine?”

“I didn’t even know Home Depot sold wine!”

“My God you’re serious,” Trudy smirked.

“Is it any good?”

“Oh yes, and it gets better with each new dip,” Trudy said as she poured each of them a glass.

“Sold,”

“So tell me about this book you’re writing about Janis Joplin,”

“Oh yeah no, I scrapped that idea. The original idea was Joplin and Morrison on a sailboat but I figured my audience wouldn’t have the slightest clue who they were,”

“That’s a depressing thought,”

“So I decided to go with an escaped convict and the prosecutor who put her away. The plot twist is that they had been lovers at one time, so yanno . . emotional complexities up the wazoo with this one . . .”

“Well, does it have a happy ending at least?” Trudy asked as she sipped.

“Everybody dies,”

“I think we’re gonna need a bigger wine box,”

Long Way Home- Supertramp 

 

Best Laid Plans

The two-car garage that served as a storage shed located on the west side of the farmhouse was dying slowly, one freckled piece of fire and smoke at a time. A lit cigarette and a gas can was all it took to provide the tenants on Euclid Drive with an impromptu popcorn outing. Dantley fixed up his posse- Josh, Emie, Jess and her special friend Alanna- with a couple buckets of the salty treat as they sat on blankets and watched heat, fuel and oxygen provide a free concert on a lazy Saturday evening.

“This is better than streaming,” Josh observed as the cinders snapped, crackled and popped for a rapt audience.

“You need a hobby,” Emie smiled.

“Sex doesn’t count?”

“Fucking kids,” Detective Riggs spit as he joined the gang while the fire department soaked up the flames. “A couple little assholes from down the block decided to sneak a smoke in the garage . . they didn’t kill the ash and well . .”

“Who sneaks smokes in the garage anymore, I mean seriously?” Dantley observed.

“Thankfully the space was pretty much empty save for a couple boxes and a painting,” Riggs claimed.

“Oh shit! The Dunk!”

“Say what?” Riggs asked.

“That’s what it’s called. It’s a print by the artist Ernie Barnes . .” Dantley began.

“The cat who did all that funky art for the show Good Times?”

“Yeah, I was selling it to Monica for a benefit auction she’ll be hosting,”

One of the firemen delivered the canvas wrapped work to Riggs, who began to unwrap it. Unbelievably, neither the canvas wrap nor the print had sustained any damage, at all.

“Everything in that garage? Blacker than yours truly . . but this canvas and the print? It’s as if they was watching the fire from these damn blankets you got laid out here, I ain’t ever seen anything like it . . .” Riggs said, shaking his head in amazement.

“How?”

“It was Alice, Theodore and Mildred!” Jess squealed.

“Wait, there were other kids besides those two knuckleheads?” Riggs asked, his ears perking up enough to show his hand. He was going to miss cop life, more than a little.

“Chill, Mr. Retirement. She’s talking about the dead people we tried to dial up on our séance nights,” Dantley chimed in.

“Huh?”

“Jess sees dead people,” Josh added.

“Okay then please explain how your print looks as if you just pulled it off the wall upstairs,” Jess challenged the men.

“I don’t know . .” Dantley replied sheepishly.

While the gang contemplated the possibility of a paranormal intervention, Monica crashed the party now. She went right for the artwork, inspecting it as Riggs and the firemen watched her from a safe distance. Dantley marveled at how she could silence grown men so easily.

“Dantley left it in the garage for you to pick up. In case he wasn’t home when you came by . .” Jess smiled, diming out her part-time pal.

“Thanks kid,”

“What? You left this in there?” Monica said, gesturing at the bonfire.

“I scored another painting and I didn’t have the space for this one upstairs. But hey . . it’s like it never even happened! Amazing, right?” Dantley said as Monica simply shook her head.

Kyra’s car pulled up along the side of the road and she made her way over to the fire party as Dantley closed his eyes tight in the hopes she was simply a mirage. And then she spoke.

“Dantley, were you sneaking smokes in the garage?” She asked.

“Oh shit, you caught me. Riggs, take me in. For the love of God?” Dantley said as he held his cuff-ready hands out in a mock gesture of desperation.

“I’ll let you handle this on your own, my boy . .” Riggs smiled as he wished the gang a good night.

“I missed the part where you were invited to this party,” Monica glared, turning her attention away from the matter at hand for now.

“Excuse me?” Kyra replied.

“Were you invited?”

“I just got back into town,”

“Let me guess, you’re fresh off a bad breakup,” Monica said.

“How’d you know?”

“Lucky guess,”

“Well I was just passing by and . .” Kyra stuttered, suddenly at a loss for words.

“It’s funny but you’re always passing by. Uninvited. And so now? You can leave,” Monica said in a straight razor voice.

“Umm . . okay?”

“That means now,” Monica said as Kyra rose from the blanket. “Oh . . and you owe my man Dantley a bottle of tequila, which you can leave on his doorstep. Thanks and buh bye . .”

“I’m voting for you next time,” Josh told Monica as Kyra slinked away into the night.

“Next time huh?” Monica smiled.

“Well, I’ve been playing the conscientious objector in the past few elections, truth be told,” Josh blushed.

“It’s alright. Want me to let you guys in on a little secret? The first time I ever voted in any election at all? I voted for myself,” Monica confessed.

“That is gangster shit right there. You have two votes now,” Emie said.

“And how about you two cuties?” Monica asked Jess and Alanna.

“We’re too young to vote,” Jess frowned.

“Forget voting. I’m talking a full fledged dance party with your names on the marquee. Dantley told me about how that asshole principal at Alanna’s school wouldn’t let you two attend Junior Prom together . . so I started making phone calls and . . how does the Trust Performance Arts Center sound?”

“No . . . WAY!” Jess and Alanna squealed in unison.

“Way. Next Saturday night . . save the date,”

“Oh Em GEEE. Monica, you are a superstar!” Jess said as she jumped into her arms with Alanna right behind her.

“Yeah well, you can thank Dantley too . .”

When the girls finished hugging it out with Monica, they moved to Dantley as he flashed his favorite politician a loving wink. Then they went running back to the house to tell mom.

“We have some business to attend to upstairs mister. Good night people,” Monica said as Dantley followed along.

“Yeah uh huh . . business,” Josh laughed.

“You’re a doll,” Monica told Josh as she climbed the stairs.

“You hear that? Our state representative thinks I’m a doll,”

“Uh no, dolls don’t have this much facial hair,” Emie countered.

“Teddy bears do,”

“For the last time, Teddy bears aren’t dolls Josh,”

“You’re wrong, you’re so wrong about this . . .”

Back upstairs, Monica and Dantley talked business.

“You might just be the luckiest sonofabitch I’ve ever met,” Monica said as she looked over the framed artwork.

“Don’t I know it,”

“And don’t take this the wrong way, but wrapping it in canvas? I mean, I get that you had it insured but still,”

“Why would I insure it?” Dantley asked.

“Umm, because that’s what people usually do when they have high-value original artwork?”

“Good one,”

“We’ll have to go to the bank first thing Monday morning to complete this transaction. You good with that?” Monica asked.

“Yeah right, the bank. Just take it. I think you’re good for a hundred and fifty bucks,” Dantley winked.

“What?”

“That’s what we agreed to. Right? A hundred and fifty dollars for the print?”

“Dantley. We agreed to a hundred and fifty thousand dollars. For an Ernie Barnes original,”

“What? No!’

“Yes! How do you not know this?!”

“What? No!”

“Don’t you remember when I took it to an appraiser?”

“Oh, you were serious about that?”

“You buy and sell vintage crap!”

“Not art!”

“Holy shit you didn’t know!” Monica laughed as she embraced him.

“It’s real?!”

“Oh it’s real baby. And to think . . I could have taken advantage of you,”

“You still can,” Dantley said as they kissed.

“Before we get to that, I have a favor to ask,” Monica said.

“What’s that?”

“Be right back,”

Monica peeked through the blinds to make sure Riggs was gone before going downstairs to her car that was parked around back. When she returned, Dantley was constructing Martinis in the kitchen.

“I just figured we owed ourselves a celebratory drink,” Dantley said as he toted a shaker and two glasses to the coffee table. Thankfully he had set them down before he saw what else resided on the very same coffee table now. The black bag.

“What in the blessed fuck is going on here,”

“That’s the one,” Monica confessed.

“But . . . it . . that . . the police . . it’s . . the Godamn thing is in the property room downtown Monica!”

“Yes, one of the black bags is in the property room. Just not this black bag,”

“I don’t understand,”

“After . . . Vincent, I got to working this thing into more and more. I turned one black bag containing two million dollars into three black bags containing two million dollars. It took a lot of money making, and a lot of years but I got there. So I made three black bags,”

Why?

“To throw off anyone looking for the thing,”

“Three bags huh? One for you and one for each of the boys,”

“Yes,”

“And the one found with David?”

“Was his,”

“How’d he get his hands on it?”

“I’m still trying to figure out how he found my hiding spot for it, but rest assured neither of the boys was ever going to find the original,”

“They didn’t know? That there were three of these?”

Monica shook her head. “They couldn’t. David would’ve burned through his in no time and so I couldn’t tell him,”

“Which meant you couldn’t tell either one of them,” Dantley finished as Monica fell into his arms.

“I was playing the long game, what with Riggs up my ass for all those years and David moving from one bad habit to the next. Now I wonder if I was wrong about all of this. Maybe if I had told them, David would still be here,”

“Don’t do that. Nick killed his brother because he was afraid David was going to turn on you once he ran out of second chances. Nick didn’t give a damn about the money but he was never going to let anything happen to you,”

“Well, this is the bag. The real one,”

“Can you do me a favor and hold off on asking me whatever you’re gonna ask me until breakfast?”

“Only if you’re making French toast,”

“Deal,”

Cam- Burning House

Best Laid Plans

One month later. Their month, not ours, even if it’s been nearly half a month since my last entry into the loves and losses of Dantley Grisham and friends. But really, who’s counting? Well . . I am. And we’ve only got a couple installments left of this puppy, I promise. Those of you who’ve remained on this ride, you’ve been exceedingly patient with me as I wandered through the wilderness searching for the thing and I thank you for it. Humbly and much. 

Monica Greene wept.

Granted, it did not possess the divinity of Jesus weeping outside the tomb of his old pal Lazarus, but her tears were every bit as genuine and regretful. It happened on the morning she received the phone call that her only living son Nicholas had turned himself in. He had confessed to the murders of the architect Pedro Mel and his brother David.

As per the former, Nick had accompanied his mother and Pedro on their lover’s getaway to the secluded island of Rokovoko many years earlier. Mama refused to leave her then teenage son at home after he had threatened to take his own life, and so the lover’s getaway turned into separate beds for Monica and Pedro. Nick told authorities he killed Mel while he slept on the sofa because he objected to how he treated his mother. He left out the part where he killed Pedro because of the threats he had leveled at Monica during a gin induced rage on the night in question. Mel knew what Monica had done to Vincent and Maury and Nick just couldn’t stand the idea that a dime store Romeo such as Pedro Mel might take down his mother.

David’s murder, that was different and the same. David also knew what had transpired between his mother and her two deceased husbands, but unlike Mel, he would never tell. But while he abided by the family seal, David was every bit the degenerate gambler looking for an easy way out of his own mess. Nick had murdered David after he caught him attempting to leave town with that black bag full of money. Nick killed his brother because he knew full well the contents of that bag were to remain intact, no matter who possessed it. David would’ve pissed it all away in six months. Monica had earned the bag in the most cold blooded of terms. And while she had spent her way into a better life with the money she had stolen from her two favorite thieves, she had summarily returned every last dollar back once her life found runway. To her way of thinking, she had cleaned the money between those dark days and all future ones. The bag, thus became her talisman. Whatever awaited her, heaven or hell or nothing at all, she would be taking that bag with her in spirit.

Nick’s arrest ended the career of Detective Riggs. He was done chasing ghosts. He was ready to fish on Monday mornings and switch out the cream in his coffee with rum and go to Matinees by himself and stay busy enough that his wife Maria wouldn’t force him to get a part time gig. He hadn’t wanted it to end this way, he really hadn’t. Monica had always been his great white whale, but it was painfully obvious she was cursed and bulletproof. Both. Still, he felt an overwhelming sadness for the woman he had vowed to put behind bars. That chance gone now, but so too, her sons; one was dead and the other was almost certainly never going to hit another drive-thru in this lifetime.

The latest scandal to befall Monica Greene’s political career only furthered her road to bigger and bolder conclusions. One week after her son’s full confession and arrest, a statewide poll found her to be the overwhelming favorite if she decided to run for Senate. In this day and age, scandals no longer sealed a politician’s fate, they strengthened it.

Amy and Dantley met at La Cosa Nostra, an Italian eatery where all the workers dressed as mobsters and the menu featured staples such as the ‘Bugsy Bialy’ and ‘Corleone Soup’. They ordered a couple of espresso smoothies and adjourned to the courtyard out back.

“Yanno, I hate the fact that I love this drink so much . .” Dantley said.

“You’re a purist in a long lost world, handsome,”

“How you holding up sunshine?”

“Honestly? I have no fucking idea how I’m doing. I was sleeping with a double murderer all this time. I even introduced him to the boys and you know I don’t take that kinda shit lightly, not after my train wreck of a marriage,”

“Babe, you saw the best in Nick and as fucked as it sounds what with all the shit that’s come down, there was a lot of best to the guy,”

“I think so too,” Amy said, her voice clipped by the tears threatening to release themselves once again. Dantley clutched to her hand as they sipped their drinks and deliberated silently on other things to talk about as he loosened a Marlboro from its box and torched it. He got through the first sip before Amy snatched it away from him.

“You’re not smoking these days, I hope,”

“No Dad, only when you’re around,” She winked.

“How did life ever get this crazy?” He asked to no one in particular.

“I could go for less crazy,”

“Amen to that. Hey, let’s go to the range, whaddaya say?”

“You’re not serious,”

“I am serious. We can take our aggression out on a bucket of golf balls, pick up some food along the way just so’s we can annoy all those Betty and Bob By The Books who try to turn us in for ignoring the “No Outside Food Allowed” sign. Why not?” Dantley smiled.

“Shit, I thought you were suggesting a shooting range. I was gonna have to kick your balls into your rib cage,”

“That’s a really shitty visual,”

“Yeah, let’s hit some golf balls while I tell you all about my journey into celibacy,” Amy said.

“Oh come on, you’ll be out there again in no time,”

“I’m gonna hold out for Rob Lowe,”

“He’s married,”

“It works for you, doesn’t it?”

“I’m nobody’s blueprint,”

“Damn you for making sense, Dantley Grisham,” Amy said as she rose from her bench and embraced him.

“I got you girl,”

“You kept me from screaming today and for that, I thank you . .”

“Yanno . . if I had a dime for every time a woman told me that? I’d have a dime,”

“Life’s funny that way, isn’t it?”

“Hilarious. Absolutely fucking hilarious,”

 

Image

Wordless Wednesday – Not Quite

So… this little fella could barely fly and went right into my pool where he spread his wings and floated until I scooped him out.  Brought him to the edge of the pool to dry off and the silly thing flew right back in.  Scooped him out again and this time, brought him to the edge of the balcony, next to the grass.  He eventually hopped off and hid under my raised garden.

Image Image Image Image

A Tale As Old As Rhyme

ImageEvery now and then, sports will give you a moment that makes you go dayum! 

That dayum moment arrived for New York Knicks fans last night at some time after eleven pm on the East Coast. It happened when OG Anunoby grabbed the long rebound off a Victor Wembanyama miss, cradled the ball in his arms and then released it high into the Texas night as the clock had exhausted itself for another season.

I’m sure plenty of Knicks fans refused to go to sleep early on Sunday morning for fear they would wake up to find they had dreamt the whole thing. Honestly, the Knicks magical run to the crown feels dream-like. They were down 2-1 in their first round series to the Atlanta Hawks and so of course, the sports call-in shows were screaming for a change. Welp, they got it. The Knicks went 14-1 from that point on, dispensing with Atlanta in six before steamrolling Philadelphia and Cleveland to reach the finals for the first time in more than a quarter century.

In spite of that dominant run, they were being fitted for silver medals by most of the experts.  It was the widely held opinion that either the defending champion Thunder or the new kids on the block Spurs were going to hoist the hardware come June. And then the Knicks showed up and took every haymaker the Spurs threw at them. New York fell behind by double digits in the first two games in San Antonio and so of course they came back home leading two games to none.

Game three was the Victor Wembanyama coming out party as the Spurs prevailed. They cut the Knicks and in so doing, they proved that the Knicks could in fact, bleed. The experts got to stepping again, writing about how Wemby was the newest villain to steal the Garden away from the home team. Just as Jordan and Reggie Miller and Tyrese Haliburton had done in years gone by.

Image

And then game four happened. And everything you believed before gave way to everything you knew after it was over. There was magic in the night and the Knicks used every bit of it when they came back from twenty nine points down to stun San Antonio in front of a Garden crowd that knew better than to leave before the credits started rolling. And yes, the Spurs had a lot to do with the end result in that game with their youth and inexperience as they blundered their way into the record books. But still, you had to give the Knicks props for having the audacity to keep getting off the canvas. Analytics gave them a one percent chance of winning that game midway through the third quarter of game four. But that was before OG Anunoby’s “Hand of God” tip in gave the Knicks the lead for good. A tip in off a three point heave that clanged off the backboard and flew twelve feet into the air as OG cut between three Spurs defenders to gently nudge the biscuit in the basket? Yeah, to hell with analytics.

This Knicks team is just different. They scratch and they claw and they clutch to the top rope until they collect the senses that done got splattered all over the ring. And then they punch back. It’s as if the spirit of Rocky and Rudy got together and created a basketball team. They came back from being down 22 to Cleveland and then they somehow upped that ante, storming back from double digit holes in all five games of the NBA finals.

When the Knicks fired Tom Thibodeau after last year’s series loss to Indiana and replaced him with Mike Brown, the collective yawn was palpable. Brown was a journeyman coach whose three previous NBA stops resulted in exactly zero finals appearances. And if you’re looking for some irony, try this on for size. Thirty years ago, the Yankees fired the guy we believed held our best chance to win a title and replaced him with Joe Torre. A journeyman manager . . . stay with me on this, whose three previous MLB stops resulted in exactly zero World Series appearances. Yeah, turns out the sporting Gods knew the assignment.

Brown, like Torre before him, won the whole damn thing in his first take with his new team. And you don’t have to be a Knicks fan- most of us who’ve been pulling for them the last few weeks aren’t- to be happy as hell for him. He’s a good basketball man.  He’s a good man. He showed up in New York and he accomplished what Hall of Famers like Larry Brown, Rick Pitino, Pat Riley and Phil Jackson could not. And not for nothing but if he wanted to run for Mayor, Mamdani would be wise to start clearing out his office.

The guy was an afterthought until he became a legend, and his ascent mirrors that of his charges. Dallas cut Jalen Brunson loose because it believed Luke Doncic was the championship piece to their puzzle and umm . . how’d that turn out for the Mavericks? Karl Anthony Towns was kicked to the curb by Minnesota and then summarily trashed as being too soft. I hope they enjoyed watching him this week. OG Anunoby was just a guy on that Toronto Raptors title team and now he’ll never have to buy another drink in the tri-state area. Mikal Bridges was “the worst trade ever” according to New York sportswriters but hell, that was all the way back in April. This bunch wasn’t anointed or inevitable and right now, they couldn’t give a damn about any of that because they’re the last team standing.

Check out this block party. One block out of an entire city that was doing the same exact thing last night. Oh, and then keep scrolling down because obviously, this post, like the Knicks run, refuses to end . . .

New York Knicks Fans Sing Empire State Of Mind

They were down by as many as sixteen points last night and as one pundit remarked, it felt as if the Knicks had the Spurs right where they wanted them. Because they did. When I checked the score to find they were down by eleven, it honestly felt as if they were winning. They went on a 21-7 run to close things out and all that Wemby chatter will have to wait till next year.

Last night was fifty three years in the making. Delivered to a town and a team that has braved its way through a ton of haymakers over the last half century. It was closing in on midnight when the dream became reality. Finally.

The party might never end.

JAY Z- Empire State Of Mind ft. Alicia Keys

Best Laid Plans

Dantley was having that dream again. The one where Jesus girl had him handcuffed to the bed while running through an inventory of dirty ideas in that affected ski bunny barista lisp that sounded like foreplay to his ears. She slinked her way up to him, brandishing the snub nosed revolver he’d purchased from his rainy day fund and it brought a smile to his face.

He awoke to find the dream in a head on collision with reality with Monica straddling him,  that very same Ruger pointing at his face. She was Karen to his Henry Hill, the lost soul to his Angel of Death. She was the beginning of his end and in that moment, a peaceful, easy feeling washed over him.

“Listen to me,”

“As if I have a choice?”

“You’re closing up shop on the gossip bingo party,”

“What are you talking about?”

“You and your little friend . . you need to quit talking about my family business,”

“What? The family business where people end up missing or dead?”

“See? That’s what I’m talking about,”

“We’ve speculated, sure . . same as anyone who reads your Wiki page. But I’ll cease and desist if you feel it will impinge on our . . . situation,”

“My first husband Vincent was a substitute teacher when I met him. He was thirty-two, I was a junior in high school. Do the math. I snuck out of the house one night and he treated me to Sizzler and I guess he figured I owed him something for the fine dining experience so we had sex in the backseat of his ’62 Buick . . .”

“Jesus,”

“I fell in love with the piece of shit,” She said as her eyes welled up.

“You were a kid,”

“There I was, no family except for a grandmother who was half blind and completely alcoholic and this fucked up father figure of a man who promised me a better life. Three years later I was pregnant with twins. I quit my job as an assistant manager at a car dealership . . .”

” . . . I turned thirty in the same town, two kids, working overnight shifts in a convenience store just to make ends meet while Vincent slept with every girl in the local titty bar. And that’s when I knew it was live or die time. That’s when I knew I would do anything it took!” Monica’s hands began to shake as her face transformed into an angular distortion.

Okay . . .” He replied in a traced whisper.

“So whatever happened back there . . . happened. I regret nothing,”

“I’m on your side Monica,”

“Good,” She replied, leaning into him for a kiss before jumping out of bed and placing the Ruger on the bedside table. “It wasn’t loaded, but you already knew that,”

“Yeah . . sure,” Dantley lied.

“What’s for breakfast?”

“Anything but Sizzler . .”

“You are such a cheeky monkey, you know that?” She burrowed into him and they kissed more deeply now. As far as love things went, theirs was a glorious fuckstorm.

“What about Maury?”

“I would load the Ruger this time but it’s obvious you’re not daunted by the idea of having your face blown off,”

“Just a question,”

“I think I almost loved him. Until he started drinking again and he was taking everything out on me. I bet you his godson Riggs doesn’t know about that side of him, ”

“All I know is that a guy who lived in the same place his entire life went missing and was never found,”

“There you go again, speculating. For fuck’s sake Dantley, stop being predictable . . it’s so unbecoming,”

“Listen, I don’t give a great good fuck where Vincent or Maury ended up. And I’m not even gonna mention the mysterious circumstances surrounding the deaths of Pedro Mel or Graham,”

“You just did. Mel was lost inside his own head and Graham was worse than that and I didn’t have anything to do with how things ended with either of them. You don’t have to believe me but since I’m already on the hook for my first two husbands, why would I quit while I’m behind?”

“I didn’t say anything,”

“Let me finish. You already know enough about those situations to convict me in the court of public opinion if you chose to,”

“I don’t . . choose to,”

“Mel and Graham, they were tortured souls. Now I’m sure I did Graham no favors during our last conversation when I basically told him he should just end it all, considering his already frail state of mind,”

“I think I’ll make waffles,” Dantley said, changing the subject as he entered the kitchen. He found a brand new Bunn coffeemaker on the counter, courtesy of his sugar mama.

“You like?” Monica beamed.

“Oh shit babe, you shouldn’t have,” He smiled as he inspected his brand new toy.

“Don’t go throwing that one down the stairs,” She laughed.

“I’ll miss that ritual, but I guess it’s time to stop collecting carafes huh?”

“Death doesn’t faze you . . I mean, not in the least,”

“And?”

“It’s one of the things we have in common,” Monica smiled.

“I knew you weren’t really gonna take me out though. It would’ve ruined your chances of becoming Senator or President or Queen of some misbegotten country that doesn’t know how much it needs you yet,”

“That assumes I don’t have a cleaner,”

“That a girl,” Dantley said as he kissed her.

Bad Blood- Neil Sedaka