Skip to content

The Onion newspaper

Become a Member. Get the Paper.

Monday, July 13, 2026

80°

Sorry, some heat indexes you just want to keep for yourself

America’s Finest News Source

News
Local
Politics
Entertainment
Sports
Opinion
Swift Wedding

News
Local
Politics
Entertainment
Sports
Swift Wedding

Monday, July 13, 2026

80°

Sorry, some heat indexes you just want to keep for yourself

Become A Member

The Latest
News
Local
Politics
Entertainment
Sports
Opinion
Swift Wedding
Video
Search
Horoscopes
About Us
The Onion Store
- Instagram
- Twitter
- Facebook
- YouTube
- TikTok
- Bluesky
- Tumblr

Instagram
Facebook
YouTube
TikTok
Bluesky
Tumblr

Now: Focus

Now: Focus

Man Opens Up About Childhood Trauma Of Being Forced To Put On Jammies

Now: Focus

Former Cult Leader Reveals How He Escaped Needy Followers
Now: Focus

CEO’s Son Explains Why He Refuses To Let Father Help Him Sexually Harass Subordinates
Now: Focus

Immigrant Criticizes Swimsuit Competition Portion Of U.S. Citizenship Test
Now: Focus

Doctor Warns Of Damaging Effects Child Obesity Having On Mall Santas

Become A Member Of The Last Functioning Part Of Our Democracy.

Join The Onion Today

Read More

Now: Focus

College Student Explains What It Like To Be First In Family Forced To Drink Own Urine In Frat House
Now: Focus

Expert Explains Why, Essentially, You’re Fucked

Dr. Andrea Worth, a researcher at Harvard University, explains how her team’s work over the past three years has concluded that you are completely and…
Now: Focus

Conservative Man Proudly Frightened Of Everything
Now: Focus

Mayor Explains Why He Changed City Named After Slave-Owning Founder To Salami Town
Now: Focus

Activist Explains Initiative To Provide Safe Housing To Electric Scooters
Now: Focus

Gun Owner Explains Why He Needs Weapon To Protect Self From Gun He Currently Holding Against Own Head

Like A Vitamin You Ingest With Your Eyes. Get The Onion Newsletter.

"*" indicates required fields

X/Twitter

This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

Subscribe For All the Latest Headlines*

*

By subscribing to our newsletter you have read, understood and agree to the terms of our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use

Δ

Now: Focus

White Woman Explains Why As An Anti-Racist Ally She Refuses To Say Any Word That Starts With ‘N’
Now: Focus

Mother Shares How Video Games Radicalized Her Son To Run Around And Pick Up Coins
Now: Focus

Ex-FDA Official Confirms Existence Of Vegetables
Now: Focus

Scientist Explains How Climate Crisis Would Be Averted If Greta Thunberg Just Tried A Little Harder
Now: Focus

Police Officer Explains Why The Intoxicating Rush Of Murder Should Always Be A Last Resort
Now: Focus

Woman Who Had Abortion Shares How She Regrets Not Stopping For M&M McFlurry Afterwards

1 2

1 2

Advertising

American Voices

American Voices

Turkish President Gives Handguns To NATO Leaders
American Voices

French Heat Wave Kills Hundreds Of Thousands Of Chickens
American Voices

Planned Parenthood Regains Federal Funding

Cartoons

Thou Shalt Not Kilt
Rigged Erection
Schtick-Starter
Recycillogical
All About That Lace

Join The Millions Of Others Who Entered In Their Credit Card Number.

Become An Onion Member Today

Advertising

Advertising

The Latest

American Voices

Turkish President Gives Handguns To NATO Leaders
Politics

GOP Allies Claim They Met With Mitch McConnell Inside Body Bag
News

Neil The Seal Killed In Shootout With Authorities
Politics

Secret Service Urges Trump Not To Use Qatari-Gifted Jet Pack

Your Horoscope — Today’s Birthday

Cancer

(June 21 to July 22):

An old friend you’ve long since forgotten doesn’t really think about you either.

Read Your Horoscope

Subscribe for all the latest Headlines

"*" indicates required fields

Get All The Latest Headlines By Email, Once A Day*

*

By subscribing to our newsletter you have read, understood and agree to the terms of our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use

Δ

Sections

The Latest
News
Local
Politics
Entertainment
Sports
Opinion
Video

Explore

Search
About Us
Become a Member
The Onion Store
Front Page Archive
Jobs

© 2026

The Onion

Print Membership Terms

Instagram
Facebook
YouTube
TikTok
Bluesky
Tumblr