midviku | Royally Fucked

These past few weeks have just been getting worse. I'm indulging in at least one of my bad habits every day, but I don't want to tell anyone in the group chat. I don't want to worry them -- Nyilah is the best at that, and I'm never a huge fan of her approaches. I've only told Kennedi and Kaiyla, but I guess I need to do the smart thing and tell an adult—Ms. Judd. I don't know why I'm super fucking depressed, but it might have something to do with my still-looming desire for control. I'm losing control of a lot of things, and my mother keeps saying I'm isolating myself. I've been writing a lot of papers, though. God.
Tessa and I have such a strange relationship and I don't know what to call it. I lie to Tessa and say they're easy to read, but half of the time, I have no clue what's going on inside their head. It only slightly annoys me because of that control thing, but I'm better at knowing boundaries, especially when it comes to Tessa (and the oh-so horrible shit I've done). I'm not stupid. I don't think I'm stupid. Why am I harming myself out of frustration towards others? Why do I always start to self-harm when Brandon becomes a hot topic?
I got a couple of things in the mail today: 2 fast chargers, some ear plugs, cheap wired headphones, a 128gb flash drive, a fried chicken keychain, and a Vash plushie for Tessa. I'm using the flash drive right now to download a ton of anime and hopefully some other shows and film.
Now, it's time to watch The L Word; however, it feels like something is missing in this entry. Let me take my meds really quick—one second.

I forgot to mention! I got new glasses today, but I'll be getting them in 2 weeks. I begged my mom to get me these really sick Versace frames… I love being a bit bourgeois. I wish I could block the thought of Tessa as a person from my mind for a couple of hours, but that feels almost impossible. School is such a strange environment. I wish I had known all I do now about 5 years ago. Should I tell the group chat, or will that actually worry them unnecessarily? They're all like stupid older/little siblings to me, and I love each of them dearly, but I don't know if I should/how I should approach my fucking declining mental state. I haven't thought about ending my life in the past few days, because I've been more focused on making it through the year. I don't want to die, I'm just stressed, and I might make a rash decision I'll regret. I need to remember to keep my head clear, think rationally, and pull myself up by my goddamn bootstraps. I can make it on my own… maybe with the help of Ms. Judd, too.

I also really don't like masturbating. I am sick and tired of looking up ANATOMY CHARTS to get a fucking grasp of how this is supposed to feel good. The awkward nature of it outweighs the “pleasure” or whatthefuckever. I thought living a couple of years would make all of this come naturally… I wish my “first” was with a girl. I only got to play doubles for the last tennis match of the season because Coach wanted fucking STELLA on the court. Bullshit. I'm miles better and I know the rules of the game!!

Gotta finish Tessa's new mixtape. This is the beginning of something great… a second mixtape for one person??!?!? I've never gotten that far.
Less feels like it's missing. I'm going to now go sail the seas with my flash drive and watch The L Word while becoming the Pirate King. I'm better than Luffy at this bullshit.
I REALLY WANT A FIREBALL. I just realized that. Ok, now I'm done.

I need to be able to put my pictures somewhere or else they'll rot in my phone.