midviku: (Default)
This is based off riffs!

Opeth
— By The Pain I See In Others (Deliverance)
— Black Rose Immortal (Morningrise)
— Nectar (Morningrise)
— Face of Melinda (Still Life)
— Reverie/Harlequin Forest (Ghost Reveries)
— Benighted (Still Life)
— When (My Arms, Your Hearse)
— The Amen Corner (My Arms, Your Hearse)
— In The Mist She Was Standing (Orchid)
— Closure (Damnation)
— Moonlapse Vertigo (Still Life)
— The Night and The Silent Water (Morningrise)
— The Moor (Still Life)
— A Fair Judgement (Deliverance)
— Atonement (Ghost Reveries)
— Beneath the Mire (Ghost Reveries)
— Deliverance (Deliverance)
— The Baying of the Hounds (Ghost Reveries)
— April Ethereal (My Arms, Your Hearse)
— Demon of the Fall (My Arms, Your Hearse)

Metallica
— Harvester of Sorrow (… And Justice For All)
— … And Justice For All (… And Justice For All)
— The Judas Kiss (Death Magnetic)
— Jump in the Fire (Kill 'Em All)
— Sweet Amber (St. Anger)
— Frayed Ends of Sanity (… And Justice For All)
— Fuel (Reload)
— The Four Horsemen (Kill 'Em All)
— Nothing Else Matters (Black Album)
— Seek & Destroy (Metallica)

Tool
— Schism (Lateralus)
- Intolerance (Undertow)
- The Pot (10,000 Days)
- Vicarious (10,000 Days)

I did it!

Mar. 19th, 2024 09:53 pm
midviku: (Default)
I sent in my essay on the U.S. prison industrial complex for consideration to be published in a nice leftist magazine. I got a 60 when I turned it in for class... but I think the paper is great! I hope they at least reply and accept/reject me nicely.
midviku: (Default)
I'm gutted over accidentally getting my RealDebrid account suspended... I promise I wasn't trying to scam the website. My sister thought someone was trying to DO FRAud on our Amazon so, ya. I switched to AllDebrid and kept it pushing, though. Oh my god! I need to work on my MITES application, follow-up J and G so they can fucking respond to my emails those greedy lazy pesky fuckers, and think about meeting days for AP Seminar + studying with Kaiyla, especially because of the rehearsals for Seussical. I think there's 3 days where I can "chill" with Tom and probably get food with Cam before the musical/rehearsals, and I'll probably need to order food next Saturday. Also, I can just study and meet with AP Sem. a day after school, lol. We can meet in the library or something -- good idea, Grace! I'll ask a teacher or something about that, and Ms. Judd can always just let us chill in the storage room if she's staying after for something. Am I a genius? Izaeah just emailed me about violin skills... oh brother. I'll practice today and probably eat some Doritos after I have some good breakfast. I have virtual therapy with Chris since he does his own practice now. Alright.
TO DO
- Fill out ATLEAST one more section of my MITES application
- Follow up email with J and G
- Practice solo + quartet
- Think about meeting days for AP SEMINAR + Studying with Kai
- Make schedule for next two weeks
- Play Resident Evil 4
- Eat

Now I face out, I hold out
I reach out to the truth of my life
Seeking to seize on the whole moment to now break away
Oh God let me out, can you let me out?
Can you set me free from this dark inner world
Save me now, last beat in the soul

(Reach Out To The Truth, Persona 4)

Drug dealin' just to get by
Stack your money 'til it gets sky high
We wasn't s'posed to make it past 25
Joke's on you we still alive
Throw your hands up in the sky and say
"We don't care what people say"

9-5 5-9

Jan. 8th, 2024 12:17 pm
midviku: (Default)
I think I am going to practice writing more. Having some cool stuff out there would be nice. I enjoy violin a lot. I enjoy politics a fair amount. I enjoy technology a lot. I am going to work on some scholarship applications. I do not know what my definition of fun is anymore. I do not know if things are looking up from here.

despair will hold a place in my heart
a bigger one that you do do do
and i will always be nicer to the cat
than i am to you you you you
dear God, i hate myself
dear God, i hate myself
and i will never be happy
And i will never feel normal
Don't ask me is this line is about you
What do they do there tonite tonite?
Why do they go there alright alright?
Why do they live there tonite tonite?
And why do they live at all alright alright?
Dear God, i hate myself
Dear God, i hate myself
And i will never be happy
And i will never feel normal
Why do they live there tonite tonite?
And why do they live at all alright alright?
Flip off the mirror as protest
Who the F-word are you you you?
And i will never be happy
And i will never feel normal
Dear God, i hate myself
Dear God, i hate myself


Chew the corner off your mouth
You have never liked the taste
Beat beat me to death i said it
Beat beat me to death
Grey death beat me
Jimmy is crying
Beat beat beat beat beat beat


midviku: (kino)
It's finally my birthday.
I had a strange dream last night. I was shopping for some really cool stuff, right? Then, I found some cool spray-painted illustrations of Giorno with spray paint cans right next to me. However, the prints I wanted were super fuckin' sold out. Then, Felix walked up to me with a Chesterfield cigarette hanging from his mouth, asking if I wanted to help in making some more prints. I happily agreed and followed him to some cubicle-like location with paint, water, and paper. I don't remember that part very well, but at one point Felix and I walked off. I think we were talking about a vending machine or something, and I asked if I could bum his cig. He refused, only because it was already down to the filter, and instead offered to give me a cigarette all for myself. He pulled out his cig carton and was about to give me one, but I noticed Mr. Joffree walking near us, so I motioned for him to hide it under his shirt or something. He followed suit, and when Joffree disappeared, Felix handed me a fag and a light. In my dream, Chesterfields taste like sugar-free chocolate. Part of my dream involved giving Felix the 7 dollars in my pocket and telling him to go fetch us some Gatorades. While he did that, I went outside to some weird area where a lot of people were congregated (a lot of classmates). I was still smoking, lol, but I was careful with who was able to notice that. I talked with Elgrie (I think) and then ran out of the gate to find the Gatorade vending machine. I don't remember most of the dream, but I do remember having to break into a house to get a good view of our target, which had a large pool. Joel was in our home invasion crew and sacrificed himself while I pussied out and pursued the pool on my own when shit got serious. Then, I woke up. That cigarette was really good.

But I could still smell it on her raggedy tee
And I could taste it on her lips when we kiss
Poor little Liddy used to always quit
But she never really quit
She'd just say she did
midviku: (kino)
I'm talking to Eva again right now. No, not in that way! It's a strictly platonic way—we're just catching up on random, recent shit. We have no water since the city told us there was a leak that cost us a couple thousand gallons of water, so I've just been chilling. I ate some Doritos at ~9 and then took a little nap, forgetting I had an Anark video playing on my laptop in front of me. I then woke up at 1am with my laptop asleep in front of me, surprisingly not broken in any way. Maybe I'm getting better at controlling myself during sleep, lol. Anyway, since then I've just been watching YouTube and listening to music—today, I think I'll start studying for APUSH and AP Macroeconomics. I'll kick the fuck out of these exams and make my record look even more spotless! I love Doritos, but I just hate that they make me grind my teeth a ton. I always have to consciously stop myself… I think I'll get a pack of gum at the corner store today. Earlier, I was considering buying something else with my extra money—there we go! I wanted to get Starbucks this morning. I'd rather have that than some corner store junk, so I'll see if we can stop by. I love Doritos—they bring me so much solace, but I make sure to eat Doritos in moderation to not only ensure that I get enough sleep but also so that I can have some chips left over for sticky situations. I'm chilling in bed, waiting for 5:30am-ish to hit so I can do something productive. I have my picture day outfit on: white button-up, black zipper tie, and black slacks. I'll put on some socks later; I'll send Kaiyla a "fit pic" when she wakes up and reads my other messages. I actually get a lot of joy out of playing and getting better at tennis when I'm not beating myself up over losing matches. Being competitive kills everything good -- I just thought of the quote! "Comparison is the thief of joy." If that ain't the truth…
I am pretty sure I have ADHD; the chance of me being autistic instead isn't 0, but I doubt it's like, 75% or above since I don't think anyone in my family has had autism. My family is also full of foreigners, so that doesn't say much (my maternal abuelo, I believe, wasn't diagnosed with anything, but was obviously depressed and the way he "went out" proved that...). Maybe Dominicans just don't like psychiatry! My psychiatrist is nice though… he plays tennis recreationally but is pretty high-ranked in the state. I'll tell him about my tennis shenanigans at the next appointment we have, lol. He hasn't screened me for ADHD yet because he wants to get my anxiety under control; right now, I think it's under control. I get the occasional waves of anxiety that wash over me and try to push me to "fight or flight", but I've been rejecting it. The real issue right now is my depression, but I'll have to find a way to get past this agony and stop rotting in vain.

I just remembered what made me want to write an entry now—I think I am a very conflict-averse person. I get annoyed pretty easily, mainly because I prefer being alone, but I push down the irritation and continue to be nice (and even somewhat considerate). I always try to hear people out. However, I've been getting SO much better at being confrontational when I need to (or feel like being a dick to people who have been a dick to me, but I'll mention that in a second). If someone does something wrong to me and I feel a certain way about it, I don't think it's bad to let them know that. Also, if someone does something that I think is ubercool, I make sure that I make an effort to tell them I thought it was ubercool. For example, at the tennis tournament on Tuesday, I cheered on this girl not only because well, she was quite attractive, but also because she had excellent form on the court. After watching her serve for a good 2 sets, I got inspired, and I've been serving (kick serves) more consistently. However, when it comes to refusing to turn the other cheek and being an asshole back to “bad” people, I often regret it. Sure, it was pretty funny calling Brandon a f***** multiple times to his face, but I gained nothing from it. I think what I should stick to is turning the other cheek, but not letting people walk all over me. I think I'm doing pretty good in that context… maybe life isn't awful right now. I've been telling a lot of people that I love them recently, and it made Kennedi pretty concerned. She even texted me on Saturday (?) morning, asking, “[A]re you alive?” I felt pretty shite about making her that concerned for my safety. I've genuinely felt very loving and compassionate this week, and for some reason, that tennis girl inspired me to love a bit more. I wish someone would cheer for me the way I did for her!

I really love Mick—he's such a cool guy, and I want to be like him when I get out of this shithole. I also really love Lilith, and I can't wait to see her soon. I love Zylon -- he's funny, a dedicated devil's advocate, and honestly, a really smart kid. He asks the important questions, even if they're a bit stupid! I love Elgrie -- he's a fuckin' goofball who might think life is a mobile game, which is why he does whatever the hell he pleases. He's genuinely kind though and has a lot of funny quirks. I love Ariela -- she's so chill and funny without even trying. I honestly can't picture her doing the shit she did freshman year, but I'm not even judging her (it's just kinda funny). I love Nyilah—she's probably the most normal Thespian we have at our school. She spends money like she's a Musk, and always smiles like there's no tomorrow. I love Dekari -- he's another buddy that is funny effortlessly because of his stoic demeanor. He's like if Arrington had a bit of hair. I love Tessa—sure, they're a fucking idiot sometimes, and I have my own judgements in regard to that, but it's always fun to fuck with them and then let them punch me like, 20 times. I always untie their shoes when I get the chance in orchestra, since they sit behind me and has surprisingly grabbable feet. I love Kennedi -- she's insanely caring and sincere, while also sometimes speaking like she has the experience of a Gen X-er. I think that's mainly because her boyfriend is in college, which makes her seem older, lol. I love Hector—he's a nerdy airsoft guy that impossibly has more quirks than Elgrie! He's also just super calm; last year, me and him were the gay, gun-loving, gaming dynamic duo. I love Todd—he's the epitome of a straight Christian black teenage male, but is surprisingly tolerant. I mean, hell, he's friends with me! We spent a ton of time together sophomore year, since we were our only buddies for the entirety of 5th period. He's a funny ass guy and I love him like a brother—which means, yes, he is annoying to me sometimes (isn't everyone?). I love Cameron—he reminds me so much of Lee Everett from The Walking Dead Game series. He's probably the least guy you'd expect to listen to TikTok songs in his truck, but he looks like a badass while doing it. I want to grab some grub with him again soon. I love Kaiyla -- I don't know how she even let me become friends with her again, but enough of the guilt bullshit. I enjoy talking to Kaiyla so much, but I worry that I ramble too much. My brain is a scattered mess! I love Gired -- her and Dionne, who I also love, are like mother figures to me. They're my tennis overlords that watch over every backhand I hit. I love Luis—he's such a fuckin' bonkers guy with a gambling addiction and an insane sweet tooth that translates well to his baking. He says it'll take a while for him to say he loves me too, but I don't mind. I also genuinely enjoy doing his math work. I love a lot of other people too, but my mouth feels weird right now so I can't think super straight. I also need to love myself. I can be pretty cool sometimes!

Raindrops on roses and girls in white dresses
It's sleeping with roaches and taking best guesses
At the shade of the sheets and before all the stains
And a few more of your least favorite things
midviku: (yatora2)
morality
YouTuber Alex O'Connor defines an action as falling into the moral sphere if the action 1. affects well-being or 2. is a conscious decision.
Self-preservation is something innate in humans, and our “fight or flight” instinct is something incontrollable. Therefore, although it may affect well-being, can one be at moral fault if they commit an action innately as a result of their “fight or flight” mechanism? This can, for example, be put in the terms of self defense, especially when deadly force is used.

abortion
Feminist Sophie Lewis describes part of birth as “violence” and says that “that violence is an unacceptable violence for someone who doesn't want to do gestational work”. If she is correct, then can one be at moral fault for the killing of the fetus if the parent was simply, innately acting in “self-defense” of the violence committed by the fetus? However, is this “self-defense” a conscious decision? The abortion process isn't something that is of a matter of seconds, but one's judgment can also be clouded by pregnancy (post-partum depression). This all sounds somewhat reasonable, until you realize that Lewis' claim that an act of violence is being committed against the parent is a bit hard to prove.

"Abortion is, in my opinion—and I recognize how controversial this is—a form of killing. It is a form of killing that we need to be able to defend."

I find Lewis' thought to be intriguing. I've ought to look into her writing and interviews more -- this is quite surface level analysis.
midviku: (yatora2)
Man is, at one and the same time, a solitary being and a social being.
As a solitary being, he attempts to protect his own existence and that of those who are closest to him, to satisfy his personal desires, and to develop his innate abilities.
As a social being, he seeks to gain the recognition and affection of his fellow human beings, to share in their pleasures, to comfort them in their sorrows, and to improve their conditions of life.
Only the existence of these varied, frequently conflicting, strivings accounts for the special character of a man, and their specific combination determines the extent to which an individual can achieve an inner equilibrium and can contribute to the well-being of society.”
“The abstract concept “society” means to the individual human being the sum total of his direct and indirect relations to his contemporaries and to all the people of earlier generations. The individual is able to think, feel, strive, and work by himself; but he depends so much upon society—in his physical, intellectual, and emotional existence—that it is impossible to think of him, or to understand him, outside the framework of society. It is “society” which provides man with food, clothing, a home, the tools of work, language, the forms of thought, and most of the content of thought; his life is made possible through the labor and the accomplishments of the many millions past and present who are all hidden behind the small word “society.”

Above is a paragraph where Einstein writes on the “nature” of man through motivations—solitary (self-interest, more human nature as it is self-preservation) and social (altruistic) motives. It does not dismiss the importance of either motive, yet emphasizes the role of society in one's solitary motives (ex. protecting his own existence is, for the most part, only possible with the food, clothing, and home provided by society); “…[I]t is impossible to think of him, or to understand him, outside the framework of society.” “[H]idden behind the small word “society”” is an interesting thing said by Einstein; is this to say that others do not emphasize the role/intricacies of society enough? I think this would be correct to assume, as this text is about socialism (made clear in the title).

”It is evident, therefore, that the dependence of the individual upon society is a fact of nature which cannot be abolished—just as in the case of ants and bees. However, while the whole life process of ants and bees is fixed down to the smallest detail by rigid, hereditary instincts, the social pattern and interrelationships of human beings are very variable and susceptible to change.”
Einstein then goes on to speak more on the “nature” of man, with the comparison to ants and bees—not surprising from someone who was famous for his work in science. However, he counters that same point of “nature” with implying that humans are more than “nature” and infact are “variable and susceptible to change”. Einstein elaborates on this with examples directly after:
”Memory, the capacity to make new combinations, the gift of oral communication have made possible developments among human being which are not dictated by biological necessities. Such developments manifest themselves in traditions, institutions, and organizations; in literature; in scientific and engineering accomplishments; in works of art.”
Memory and oral communication are two things not exclusive to the human race, but two things that it seems we have utilized as a race to the best of our abilities. We have used these two things for goals beyond what he calls “biological necessities”, or human nature.

Man acquires at birth, through heredity, a biological constitution which we must consider fixed and unalterable, including the natural urges which are characteristic of the human species. In addition, during his lifetime, he acquires a cultural constitution which he adopts from society through communication and through many other types of influences. It is this cultural constitution which, with the passage of time, is subject to change and which determines to a very large extent the relationship between the individual and society. Modern anthropology has taught us, through comparative investigation of so-called primitive cultures, that the social behavior of human beings may differ greatly, depending upon prevailing cultural patterns and the types of organization which predominate in society.
Above is somewhat of a summary of what he has went over in the past two excerpts.

Here is where Einstein presents what seems to be a thesis: ”It is on this that those who are striving to improve the lot of man may ground their hopes: human beings are not condemned, because of their biological constitution, to annihilate each other or to be at the mercy of a cruel, self-inflicted fate.”
He takes this thesis and makes a connection to his premises on human nature and societal benefits/going beyond biological necessities: ”If we ask ourselves how the structure of society and the cultural attitude of man should be changed in order to make human life as satisfying as possible, we should constantly be conscious of the fact that there are certain conditions which we are unable to modify. As mentioned before, the biological nature of man is, for all practical purposes, not subject to change. Furthermore, technological and demographic developments of the last few centuries have created conditions which are here to stay.”
This seems to be recognizing, again, that regardless of innovation, there are things that humans cannot change about themselves. In addition to that, modern industry has also created “conditions” that seem to be immovable (possibly due to complacency).

"The time—which, looking back, seems so idyllic—is gone forever when individuals or relatively small groups could be completely self-sufficient."
"I have now reached the point where I may indicate briefly what to me constitutes the essence of the crisis of our time. It concerns the relationship of the individual to society."

"Unknowingly prisoners of their own egotism, [modern humans] feel insecure, lonely, and deprived of the naive, simple, and unsophisticated enjoyment of life. Man can find meaning in life, short and perilous as it is, only through devoting himself to society."
Einstein presents a problem and solution. Soon after (the next sentence), he address this problem more in depth:
"The economic anarchy of capitalist society as it exists today is, in my opinion, the real source of the evil. We see before us a huge community of producers the members of which are unceasingly striving to deprive each other of the fruits of their collective labor—not by force, but on the whole in faithful compliance with legally established rules."
Einstein sees the economic principles of capitalism in modern society as evil, primarily because of how it pits the "producers" against eachother, "depriv[ing] each other of the fruits of their collection labor". He specifies that this is "on the whole in faithful compliance with legally established rules", meaning that this deprivation is an intrinsic part of the capitalist system.

"The owner of the means of production is in a position to purchase the labor power of the worker. By using the means of production, the worker produces new goods which become the property of the capitalist. The essential point about this process is the relation between what the worker produces and what he is paid, both measured in terms of real value. Insofar as the labor contract is “free,” what the worker receives is determined not by the real value of the goods he produces, but by his minimum needs and by the capitalists’ requirements for labor power in relation to the number of workers competing for jobs. It is important to understand that even in theory the payment of the worker is not determined by the value of his product."
The reference to "minimum needs" is simply connected to minimum wage: just enough to allow the worker to get by. He contrasts "minimum needs" with "the real value of the goods he produces" to emphasize the exploitation in question; do the workers who assemble iPhones get paid 1 billion dollars daily?

"Private capital tends to become concentrated in few hands, partly because of competition among the capitalists, and partly because technological development and the increasing division of labor encourage the formation of larger units of production at the expense of smaller ones. The result of these developments is an oligarchy of private capital the enormous power of which cannot be effectively checked even by a democratically organized political society."
Einstein introduces the concept of the bourgeoisie without mentioning the term in particular by name, instead opting for using the terms "private capital", "capitalists", and "oligarchy".

"This is true since the members of legislative bodies are selected by political parties, largely financed or otherwise influenced by private capitalists who, for all practical purposes, separate the electorate from the legislature. The consequence is that the representatives of the people do not in fact sufficiently protect the interests of the underprivileged sections of the population. Moreover, under existing conditions, private capitalists inevitably control, directly or indirectly, the main sources of information (press, radio, education)."
Here, Einstein introduces another concept: the concept of political action committees (PACs), or atleast, that is what we know them by today. These are organizations involved in the financing of political campaigns. Because policy is funded by the ones with the money, the interests of these policies are not in favor of the workers or "underprivileged sections of the population".

"It is thus extremely difficult, and indeed in most cases quite impossible, for the individual citizen to come to objective conclusions and to make intelligent use of his political rights."

"The situation prevailing in an economy based on the private ownership of capital is thus characterized by two main principles: first, means of production (capital) are privately owned and the owners dispose of them as they see fit; second, the labor contract is free."

"Of course, there is no such thing as a pure capitalist society in this sense. In particular, it should be noted that the workers, through long and bitter political struggles, have succeeded in securing a somewhat improved form of the “free labor contract” for certain categories of workers. But taken as a whole, the present day economy does not differ much from “pure” capitalism."
What it seems Einstein means by this is the existence of worker's rights activism and groups fighting for that cause that have secured the concept of "minimum wage" and the 40-hour work week to protect workers. However, not only do some workers not see those benefits ("for certain categories of workers"), but those benefits have their limitations ("minimum wage" only being enough for a worker to get by).

"Production is carried on for profit, not for use. There is no provision that all those able and willing to work will always be in a position to find employment; an “army of unemployed” almost always exists. The worker is constantly in fear of losing his job."

"Technological progress frequently results in more unemployment rather than in an easing of the burden of work for all. The profit motive, in conjunction with competition among capitalists, is responsible for an instability in the accumulation and utilization of capital which leads to increasingly severe depressions. Unlimited competition leads to a huge waste of labor, and to that crippling of the social consciousness of individuals which I mentioned before."

"This crippling of individuals I consider the worst evil of capitalism. Our whole educational system suffers from this evil."

"I am convinced there is only one way to eliminate these grave evils, namely through the establishment of a socialist economy, accompanied by an educational system which would be oriented toward social goals. In such an economy, the means of production are owned by society itself and are utilized in a planned fashion. A planned economy, which adjusts production to the needs of the community, would distribute the work to be done among all those able to work and would guarantee a livelihood to every man, woman, and child. The education of the individual, in addition to promoting his own innate abilities, would attempt to develop in him a sense of responsibility for his fellow men in place of the glorification of power and success in our present society."
Einstein now elaborates on the solution he gave paragraphs ago, which is the establishment of a social economy; however, his writing is unclear in this part as it seems he is equating "socialist economy" and "planned economy" to mean the same thing.

"Nevertheless, it is necessary to remember that a planned economy is not yet socialism. A planned economy as such may be accompanied by the complete enslavement of the individual."
It seems that he still equates socialist economy with planned economy, but does not equate the existence of such economy to mean the existence of socialism as a whole.

"The achievement of socialism requires the solution of some extremely difficult socio-political problems: how is it possible, in view of the far-reaching centralization of political and economic power, to prevent bureaucracy from becoming all-powerful and overweening? How can the rights of the individual be protected and therewith a democratic counterweight to the power of bureaucracy be assured?"
Here, Einstein still questions the idea of socialism, as he began the text with saying "Is it advisable for one who is not an expert on economic and social issues to express views on the subject of socialism? I believe for a number of reasons that it is." Einstein may enjoy Descartes' theory... anyways, the question of "how is it possible, in view of the far-reaching centralization of political and economic power, to prevent bureaucracy from becoming all-powerful and overweening?" most likely is referencing the Soviet Union and the other socialist/communist movements that rose as a result of the Bolshevik revolution, as this article was published in May 1949. For context, this is after Stalin's campaign against Soviet Jews in January 1949, Operation Priboi in March 1949, and advancements in the Cold War.

"Clarity about the aims and problems of socialism is of greatest significance in our age of transition. Since, under present circumstances, free and unhindered discussion of these problems has come under a powerful taboo, I consider the foundation of this magazine to be an important public service."

Source: https://monthlyreview.org/2009/05/01/why-socialism/
midviku: (rhonda)
I like the times when someone is angry at me and I know it isn't worth trying to respond, so I just let them writhe in their rage. I have a love-hate relationship with my AP Seminar teacher; she really likes Rage Against the Machine and has been to 8 of their shows, and she also seems like a very intelligent person. However, she also enjoys fucking with my grades and "doesn't give out 100s". What a fucking degenerate of a person. It is fun to make political jokes with her from time to time, but it seems like she gets her life force from making passive-aggressive jabs at my table group. Like, what the hell? Sometimes, these types of people make me very frustrated. Stupid people make me very frustrated. This is when I just sit in bed and listen to nu metal, especially since I'm bleeding out again and my stomach is killing me. I had to take a break from math just so I could give my body a rest from my terrible sitting posture. I really don't like talking to people. I'm exhausted and I need to smoke or get a beer.

Everytime I wanna go get a fuckin brew
I gotta go down to the store with the two
******** one-penny countin motherfuckers
That make a nigga made enough to cause a little ruckus
Thinkin every brother in the world's out to take
So they watch every damn move that I make
They hope I don't pull out a gat and try to rob
They funky little store, but bitch, I got a job








midviku: (mbappe)
Okay day today. I made an effort to annoy my physics teacher because she fucks up a lot and tends to be really passive-aggressive in a White mom way. 2nd period was a real snooze fest... it was too early in the morning to read the entirety of the Letter from Birmingham Jail. It was a little funny to hear Vierek not want to say "negro”… I took one for the team by reading the paragraph with the hard R. 3rd period... I don't even remember what I did, but Liyel found out what series I read at lunch. I've been exposed! “You know you a stupid nigga right?” 4th period was fine, I won against Serena in 2 short sets, 4-2, 4-0. Ez dub. Challenge match got cancelled for the rain, though.

Nothing too interesting is going on. I'm a bit tired but I don't really feel particularly bad.



I speak softly on the matters of trust
'Cause I don't want my kids in similar situations growing up
I treat you like my daughters, and this is the last of us
I pass the knife to Ellie, tell her “Shoot these Clickers like some niggas”
midviku: (meddy)
I don't want to talk about this week.

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Notable questions.
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I've got more Xiu Xiu to listen to. I also want to listen to some older Eminem albums (TES, MMLP) and Section.80 more. I also need to listen to a bit more Noname. I want to forget this week.

I can loose my own tie knot
I can button up my own pants
I can buy my own cigarettes
I can pluck my own mustache
I can pay all my own bills
I can unroll my own tights
I can untuck all I have to untuck
I can weep through my own midnights
I can pay all my own debts
I can rip off my own tights
I can humiliate myself to your face
I can weep through my own midnights
midviku: (yatora2)
Conservative hypocrisy is funny and silly, but liberal hypocrisy is either funnier or depressingly stupid. I hope you niggas stay woke on your high horse.

I need to jot my social views one day. I just feel so frustrated sometimes by the gall of some people. It's not about the facts -- it's about an agenda and personal, subjective beliefs.

I told my mother I feel like I've hit a roadblock in life. I thought about that more, and then read some more Blue Period. Yatora really inspires me, because I relate to his story to an insane degree. I'm thinking of some sort of a passion project that involves a lot of Doritos, caffeine, trial and error, and the God-send that is Python 3.11. My opinion on that language is subject to change, but seeing a Hello World! print is enough to turn my gears a bit. I want to develop something that'll help me do a menial task, be able to run it through cmd (or a different.. uhhh... interpreter?), and then make a GUI for it. I can then keep that GUI as a program, or develop a site that'll embed that GUI. I might need to rebuild the GUI from scratch to do that, and I also need to get a lot more familiar with HTML beyond simple Dreamwidth entries.

I'm listening to Room 25 by Noname right now and it's amazing. "Africa's never dead, Africa's always dying." Noname is so amazing, of course, disregarding her Sundial controversies. Sundial was still great, though. This is a phenomenal first listen, maybe even better than my Scaring the Hoes first listen (which I've had on repeat for a few weeks). I'm on the track "Regal" right now, and I think Noname's calm demeanor paired with her steady yet slightly speedy flow goes well with the laid-back but active beat. Oh, fuck! I just got to Montego Bae. This is one of my favorite songs ever. Okay, anyways, I'm gonna fuck with some Cheetos and Doritos and try some Python.

Miscellaneous, Mr. Molly Inside My Sake
Incredible, incredible emptiness in my body
Heaven's only four-feet tall, I set my ringer to it
Fucked your rapper homie, now his ass is making better music
My pussy teachin ninth-grade English
My pussy wrote a thesis on colonialism
In conversation with a marginal system in love with Jesus


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Medvedev

Oct. 9th, 2023 08:46 pm
midviku: (yves)
My arm still burns from yesterday. My dad was furious about me going to Tessa's house today and lashed out on me, bringing up things from the past to strengthen his point. I also got a bogus grade on my Short Paper #1 for college United States History and on my Essay 1 for college Composition. I've never wanted to drop out more than now. I am glad, though, that I'm getting my new glasses soon and I might get screened for ADHD soon. I don't care about anything but Adderall… nothing has made me feel more normal and actually functioning than Adderall. This Reddit post perfectly describes my thoughts on the matter.

Going to Tessa's house was fun today. I kept teasing, as I always do, but Xavier called me in the middle of us studying and made it a little awkward. I'm glad he wasn't on speaker, but I was practically exposed. I felt like Shane in S1E3 of The L Word when Lacey followed her around with that big ass studio light to expose her at a party. Cameron and Xavier will never stop pestering me about my “love life”, and I love and hate them for it.

There's a beginners match against 'Soto tomorrow. I haven't been hitting any balls, but I've been practicing my form in the front yard. My serve is looking a bit better, and I want to try a one-handed backhand to replicate the SABR technique. I also want to go for an aggressive net technique for doubles matches with Kenzie, so we won't be stuck always playing defense.

I need to convince my mom to get me the letterman, get some calculator programs, make my plan for after high school, practice violin more, look into private lessons, listen to some 2001 records (and maybe hear some Eminem, along with my “to listen” playlist), and talk to Ms. 'Brookie' about the competition she so desperately wants me in. I really want to make this plan. Also, God, I had a dream last night that 20 got a girlfriend. Like, a real girlfriend right after that break-up. I didn't even know who that girlfriend was! I mean, I dunno. It was more of a nightmare than anything. Something else might have happened, but I don't really care since that's all I remembered. It was hell on earth for my emotions. I, sometimes, really hate that nigga! You're lucky you can hide behind a fucking keyboard; we're going to take this bullshit off of the internet. You can do so much when you're protected by a nice ol' 6-inch screen—why don't we make moves face to face? It is mean to call my friends weak-minded, but I never mean harm—all I mean is to speak the truth. 20 is more weak-minded than Natalie, and I hate admitting that. I love both of them regardless, but it just fuckin' sucks. Grow some fucking balls. At least I know how to end and start things; even if it's in a semi-shitty way, I try to get the message through clearly. Lying by omission is as wrong as any other lie. People can just be a bunch of fucking pussies with their panties all in a bunch, and I don't give a shit -- I will say this in real life. I already have, but just in case I wasn't clear enough, I don't mind doing it again. Fucking hell.

I am very happy that tomorrow is a B day. I get very sad when I remember my violin is in terrible shape. I'm happy I got to borrow Tessa's at his house for my quiz. Why do leaves turn brown? I cried on Kennedi's shoulder on Thursday. My grandma is not dead. My grandma is not dead. My grandma is not dead. I feel worse every day. I might eat some Doritos tomorrow.

You think I'm hot
I think you're cute
You wore me down
I think you're loose…
You want me bad
I want you dead
I'll take you anywhere baby
Put your hand in mine

I think you're gone
You wore me out
You want it hard
All in your mouth
You want me bad
I want you dead
And put that pillow baby
Right on your head tonight

I'm just a sexy boy
(Sexy boy)
I'm not your boy toy
(Boy toy)
midviku: (gatsu real)
These past few weeks have just been getting worse. I'm indulging in at least one of my bad habits every day, but I don't want to tell anyone in the group chat. I don't want to worry them -- Nyilah is the best at that, and I'm never a huge fan of her approaches. I've only told Kennedi and Kaiyla, but I guess I need to do the smart thing and tell an adult—Ms. Judd. I don't know why I'm super fucking depressed, but it might have something to do with my still-looming desire for control. I'm losing control of a lot of things, and my mother keeps saying I'm isolating myself. I've been writing a lot of papers, though. God.
Tessa and I have such a strange relationship and I don't know what to call it. I lie to Tessa and say they're easy to read, but half of the time, I have no clue what's going on inside their head. It only slightly annoys me because of that control thing, but I'm better at knowing boundaries, especially when it comes to Tessa (and the oh-so horrible shit I've done). I'm not stupid. I don't think I'm stupid. Why am I harming myself out of frustration towards others? Why do I always start to self-harm when Brandon becomes a hot topic?
I got a couple of things in the mail today: 2 fast chargers, some ear plugs, cheap wired headphones, a 128gb flash drive, a fried chicken keychain, and a Vash plushie for Tessa. I'm using the flash drive right now to download a ton of anime and hopefully some other shows and film.
Now, it's time to watch The L Word; however, it feels like something is missing in this entry. Let me take my meds really quick—one second.

I forgot to mention! I got new glasses today, but I'll be getting them in 2 weeks. I begged my mom to get me these really sick Versace frames… I love being a bit bourgeois. I wish I could block the thought of Tessa as a person from my mind for a couple of hours, but that feels almost impossible. School is such a strange environment. I wish I had known all I do now about 5 years ago. Should I tell the group chat, or will that actually worry them unnecessarily? They're all like stupid older/little siblings to me, and I love each of them dearly, but I don't know if I should/how I should approach my fucking declining mental state. I haven't thought about ending my life in the past few days, because I've been more focused on making it through the year. I don't want to die, I'm just stressed, and I might make a rash decision I'll regret. I need to remember to keep my head clear, think rationally, and pull myself up by my goddamn bootstraps. I can make it on my own… maybe with the help of Ms. Judd, too.

I also really don't like masturbating. I am sick and tired of looking up ANATOMY CHARTS to get a fucking grasp of how this is supposed to feel good. The awkward nature of it outweighs the “pleasure” or whatthefuckever. I thought living a couple of years would make all of this come naturally… I wish my “first” was with a girl. I only got to play doubles for the last tennis match of the season because Coach wanted fucking STELLA on the court. Bullshit. I'm miles better and I know the rules of the game!!

Gotta finish Tessa's new mixtape. This is the beginning of something great… a second mixtape for one person??!?!? I've never gotten that far.
Less feels like it's missing. I'm going to now go sail the seas with my flash drive and watch The L Word while becoming the Pirate King. I'm better than Luffy at this bullshit.
I REALLY WANT A FIREBALL. I just realized that. Ok, now I'm done.

I need to be able to put my pictures somewhere or else they'll rot in my phone.
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Uh, back in this bitch with the dope
She backin' it up for a gram
Baby, I cannot do nothin' with hope
I'ma try molly and Xans
midviku: (kino)
Questions
- Is truth equal to our concept of “right” (in terms of morality (is it subjective))?
— Is it merely truth and falsehood, or is the relationship more like truth and non-truth? Is everything that is not “truth” by default “false”? Are either or both of those morally wrong/right?
— Is truth subjective and/or malleable? Are those descriptors one and the same? In reference to that, if truth is malleable (better word is relative), is it subjective?
— Is it only subjective or objective, or more of a spectrum?
General idea: truth cannot merely be “something that cannot be disproven”, as our views of truth change every day. However, does that mean there are two forms of truth: relative and ultimate? What is “ultimate truth”, and is it just a concept based in faith (religion)?


Is “we do not forgive; we do not forget” a moral view?

Kant: It is never acceptable to tell a lie.
Kant believed that morality came from within, and we are constantly pulled by moral reasons that are called categorical imperatives. A categorical imperative is “humanity formulation”, which means that “we should always treat other people as if they are ends in themselves, never merely means.” Other people always have their own goals and objectives, which means it is never okay to treat them as a tool for our own ends.

Kant's reply to Maria von Herbert in regard to her lie:
”… I do not know whether your relationship is one of marriage or friendship, but it makes no significant difference. For love, be it for one's spouse or for a friend, presupposes the same mutual esteem for the other's character, without which it is no more than perishable, sensual delusion.
A love like that wants to communicate itself completely, and it expects of its respondent a similar sharing of heart, unweakened by distrustful reticence. That is what the ideal of friendship demands. But there is something in us which puts limits on such frankness, some obstacle to this mutual outpouring of the heart, which makes one keep some part of one's thoughts locked within oneself, even when one is most intimate.
The sages of old complained of this secret distrust—'My dear friends, there is no such thing as a friend!' We can't expect frankness of people, since everyone fears that to reveal himself completely would be to make himself despised by others. But this lack of frankness, this reticence, is still very different from dishonesty. What the honest but reticent man says is true, but not the whole truth. What the dishonest man says is something he knows to be false. Such an assertion is called, in the theory of virtue, a lie. It may be harmless, but it is not on that account innocent. It is a serious violation of a duty to oneself; it subverts the dignity of humanity in our own person, and attacks the roots of our thinking. As you see, you have sought counsel from a physician who is no flatterer.
… Ask yourself whether you reproach yourself for the imprudence of confessing, or for the immorality intrinsic to the lie. If the former, then you regret having done your duty. And why? Because it has resulted in the loss of your friend's confidence. This regret is not motivated by anything moral, since it is produced by an awareness not of the act itself, but of its consequences. But if your reproach is grounded in a moral judgment of your behaviour, it would be a poor moral physician who would advise you to cast it from your mind.
… If [a change in his demeanor as a result of your change of attitude] doesn't happen, then the earlier warmth of his affection was more physical than moral, and would have disappeared anyway⁣—a misfortune which we often encounter in life, and when we do, must meet with composure. For the value of life, insofar as it consists of the enjoyment we get from people, is vastly overrated.
Here then, my dear friend, you find the customary divisions of a sermon: instruction, penalty and comfort. Devote yourself to the first two; when they have had their effect, comfort will be found by itself.


All lies, whether by omission, white lies, outright falsehoods, or any strategic truth to disguise motives and ends are wrong.

Kant believed that actions are good or bad completely apart from their consequences; we must obey the categorical imperative for the right reasons. Lying involves disguising our true ends, making it impossible for one to agree or disagree with our ends. Kant regarded this as a form of objectification, and as a result, you are morally responsible for the consequences that occur after telling a lie; lying takes away the power of destiny from someone. However, if we tell the truth, the moral guilt is on the fault of the supposed “wrongdoer” in the consequences (murderer dilemma).

If you do the right thing for the right reasons, you can't have done anything wrong. Lying to somebody puts yourself and your ends above them, treating yourself as superior.

It is not about the consequences, it is about who is human (and, intrinsically, moral).

-------

I thought about most of this after meditating and taking notes on a PhilosophyTube video on Kant. I have some of his works downloaded to read during Physics tomorrow.
midviku: (serj3)
I ended up eating Doritos, and I stayed up until around 12:30am. I finished all of my work for college composition, and I did most of my short paper for college US history. I also watched a couple of videos in the background, such as PhilosophyTube's video on suicide and mental health (fucking amazing. yay cosmonauts). I lifted some weights, took my meds, and sent myself off to sleep. Because I wasn't so anxious about eating Doritos this late, I actually had some amazing sleep—I can't remember my dream, but I know it was about philosophy and a bit of “ought implies can” from Kant in the context of discrimination. I slept a real 4 hours, but it honestly felt like 9. God, life can be really good sometimes. Is this how it feels to be normal?

I'm feeling good and still a bit energized from last night. Best fucking sleep of my life.

Looking through my eyes
If perhaps you feel I woke up with you, just smile
Don't you want it, baby?
Keep it real, let's keep it real AOOAOAAAAOOAOAughhhhhhhhh SOMETIMES!!!!! i love oyu persona soundtrack
midviku: (munky)
Luis is angry at me, and I'm not really sure why. I'm not sure that I care.
Things between Renee and Zylon are heating up again.
I have been insanely tired recently—I woke up late today for the first time in weeks; I might have to eat some Doritos and stay up to finish my homework and make sure I have at least one productive day. I need to write my individual research report on the separation of church and state in the United States.
I'm being overloaded with MORE ACT studying (I got my writing score—not too mad about a 9/12), PSAT studying, and a shitload of college work. Fuck all of my professors, besides DY. All of them—besides DY, and sometimes Mr. G**** -- can just quit. I won't even wish violence on anyone anymore. Pacifism ftw.
October is coming soon, which means Amy Winehouse and Kate Bush season is imminent. I can't wait to have my monthly breakdown about being a f*****. Ain't it all so great?
My memory is so horrible right now and I am very cold. I can't even bring myself to practice.

Look where my hairline has came
Left and the right is the same
You bitches should form up like Danity Kane
People scared to put in work
You won't take a L, so you'll take a name
I'm playin' above the rim
I brought a gun to the game
midviku: (kino)
When I hang out with their family, I always have a strange moment of “clarity”. That moment makes me extremely anxious and almost sends me into a state of panic, but then I realize that I don't really have much of an escape route (I'm big on flight over fight). I don't know why that always happens—there isn't much for me to be nervous about anymore, I guess. Tessa's family is very nice to me, but I always feel some sort of doom in those short moments that randomly come upon me.

I feel so normal when I have Doritos. I am sometimes motivated (to do work) when I don't take them, but I thought about it a bit more. Maybe, when it comes to schoolwork, all that kept me focused was fear. If I let anything slip, I'd never hear (or feel) the end of it at home. Sometimes, I'd internally deny that and say that it was all for college, but that part is a bit fear-based also; I want to move far away to get away from my immediate family and have my own peace.

I need to practice 2 hours a day and get private lessons starting tomorrow. I also started my period today right before my tennis match, and I couldn't play anything after. I stayed to watch and support the team while also chatting, mainly with Danielle, Michael, and Izeah. Tennis can be fun, especially when we play against DE—their team is funny and has a lot of players on or above my level that are really fun to play against.

My leg is starting to cramp up really bad. I have a match tomorrow. Danielle is so gay and I won't fall to that trap again.

I'm driving your girlfriend home
And she's saying how she never chose you
"Turn left", she says, I turn left and she says
"So how did I end up so deeply involved in
The very existence I planned on avoiding?"
And I can't answer

I'm driving your girlfriend home
And she's laughing to stop herself crying
"Drive on", she says, I drive on and she says
"So how did I end up attached to this person
When his sense of humor gets gradually worser?"
And I can't tell her


This song reminds me of the past few days. Tessa's mom drove me home today, hence the inclusion of the directions and “drive on” in the excerpts. However, Tessa's also been a bit more open about certain things that slightly remind me of the content of this song.
midviku: (munky)
I don't think I can legitimately stop my substance abuse anytime soon. It isn't that bad and is the only thing that helps me cope with no actual drawbacks.

I got a 33 on the ACT and felt really weird when I saw it. Tessa checked it before me and said it was good (of course I trusted them) but I felt a little disappointed. I got a 35 or 36 on every section, but math: I got a 26. I've been crying for about an hour about it, but I think it's just hormones. I'm going to do everything I can to help Tessa out in terms of studying.

I don't know if today was a good or bad day. I didn't get a tardy in any of my classes, drank 2 Redbulls, and got to do a ton of shit after school; I went to practice (Dionne was there), got picked up by the Buis, ate at the Hong Kong Market food court, played some claw machines, and got some pastries. Tessa's mom is so cool when I'm around. Tessa's dad also has 240,000 Steam points… I'm gonna hop on a match with him on CS:GO one day!

I've been hating myself too much recently. This detox has made me much more introspective and thoughtful, but was timed questionably. I still like the suddenness of it… I couldn't care less about Instagram anymore. It's such a horrible fucking app, and I won't reinstall it for a while. Short-form content has already rotted my brain enough and fucked up my views for years to come.

T's going to tell me more about Brandon. I was rude this morning. I don't care. Apparently, Tessa's also talking to someone… I'm confused, but I don't think I have the capacity to care. Surprisingly, I am not as desperate as I seem. This is the only case EVER where I do not mind being a best friend cuck.

It has been near impossible for me to listen to anything but nu and alternative metal for the past month. It's either depressing and edgy (Korn) shit or political (SOAD) shit or silly (SOAD and Limp Bizkit and sometimes Korn) shit. Right now, it's a little edgy.

Thumbing through the pages of my fantasies
I'm above you, smiling at you, drown, drown, drown
I wanna kill and **** you the way you ***** me
And I'll pull the trigger and you're down, down, down
Why are you trying to make fun of me?
You think it's funny? What the fuck you think it's doing to me?
You take your turn lashing out at me
I want you crying with your dirty ass in front of me
All of my hate cannot be found (hate cannot be found)
I will not be drowned (I will not be drowned)
By your thoughtless scheming


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I have antifreeze in my eye
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