Midvikudags

I'm talking to Eva again right now. No, not in that way! It's a strictly platonic way—we're just catching up on random, recent shit. We have no water since the city told us there was a leak that cost us a couple thousand gallons of water, so I've just been chilling. I ate some Doritos at ~9 and then took a little nap, forgetting I had an Anark video playing on my laptop in front of me. I then woke up at 1am with my laptop asleep in front of me, surprisingly not broken in any way. Maybe I'm getting better at controlling myself during sleep, lol. Anyway, since then I've just been watching YouTube and listening to music—today, I think I'll start studying for APUSH and AP Macroeconomics. I'll kick the fuck out of these exams and make my record look even more spotless! I love Doritos, but I just hate that they make me grind my teeth a ton. I always have to consciously stop myself… I think I'll get a pack of gum at the corner store today. Earlier, I was considering buying something else with my extra money—there we go! I wanted to get Starbucks this morning. I'd rather have that than some corner store junk, so I'll see if we can stop by. I love Doritos—they bring me so much solace, but I make sure to eat Doritos in moderation to not only ensure that I get enough sleep but also so that I can have some chips left over for sticky situations. I'm chilling in bed, waiting for 5:30am-ish to hit so I can do something productive. I have my picture day outfit on: white button-up, black zipper tie, and black slacks. I'll put on some socks later; I'll send Kaiyla a "fit pic" when she wakes up and reads my other messages. I actually get a lot of joy out of playing and getting better at tennis when I'm not beating myself up over losing matches. Being competitive kills everything good -- I just thought of the quote! "Comparison is the thief of joy." If that ain't the truth…
I am pretty sure I have ADHD; the chance of me being autistic instead isn't 0, but I doubt it's like, 75% or above since I don't think anyone in my family has had autism. My family is also full of foreigners, so that doesn't say much (my maternal abuelo, I believe, wasn't diagnosed with anything, but was obviously depressed and the way he "went out" proved that...). Maybe Dominicans just don't like psychiatry! My psychiatrist is nice though… he plays tennis recreationally but is pretty high-ranked in the state. I'll tell him about my tennis shenanigans at the next appointment we have, lol. He hasn't screened me for ADHD yet because he wants to get my anxiety under control; right now, I think it's under control. I get the occasional waves of anxiety that wash over me and try to push me to "fight or flight", but I've been rejecting it. The real issue right now is my depression, but I'll have to find a way to get past this agony and stop rotting in vain.

I just remembered what made me want to write an entry now—I think I am a very conflict-averse person. I get annoyed pretty easily, mainly because I prefer being alone, but I push down the irritation and continue to be nice (and even somewhat considerate). I always try to hear people out. However, I've been getting SO much better at being confrontational when I need to (or feel like being a dick to people who have been a dick to me, but I'll mention that in a second). If someone does something wrong to me and I feel a certain way about it, I don't think it's bad to let them know that. Also, if someone does something that I think is ubercool, I make sure that I make an effort to tell them I thought it was ubercool. For example, at the tennis tournament on Tuesday, I cheered on this girl not only because well, she was quite attractive, but also because she had excellent form on the court. After watching her serve for a good 2 sets, I got inspired, and I've been serving (kick serves) more consistently. However, when it comes to refusing to turn the other cheek and being an asshole back to “bad” people, I often regret it. Sure, it was pretty funny calling Brandon a f***** multiple times to his face, but I gained nothing from it. I think what I should stick to is turning the other cheek, but not letting people walk all over me. I think I'm doing pretty good in that context… maybe life isn't awful right now. I've been telling a lot of people that I love them recently, and it made Kennedi pretty concerned. She even texted me on Saturday (?) morning, asking, “[A]re you alive?” I felt pretty shite about making her that concerned for my safety. I've genuinely felt very loving and compassionate this week, and for some reason, that tennis girl inspired me to love a bit more. I wish someone would cheer for me the way I did for her!

I really love Mick—he's such a cool guy, and I want to be like him when I get out of this shithole. I also really love Lilith, and I can't wait to see her soon. I love Zylon -- he's funny, a dedicated devil's advocate, and honestly, a really smart kid. He asks the important questions, even if they're a bit stupid! I love Elgrie -- he's a fuckin' goofball who might think life is a mobile game, which is why he does whatever the hell he pleases. He's genuinely kind though and has a lot of funny quirks. I love Ariela -- she's so chill and funny without even trying. I honestly can't picture her doing the shit she did freshman year, but I'm not even judging her (it's just kinda funny). I love Nyilah—she's probably the most normal Thespian we have at our school. She spends money like she's a Musk, and always smiles like there's no tomorrow. I love Dekari -- he's another buddy that is funny effortlessly because of his stoic demeanor. He's like if Arrington had a bit of hair. I love Tessa—sure, they're a fucking idiot sometimes, and I have my own judgements in regard to that, but it's always fun to fuck with them and then let them punch me like, 20 times. I always untie their shoes when I get the chance in orchestra, since they sit behind me and has surprisingly grabbable feet. I love Kennedi -- she's insanely caring and sincere, while also sometimes speaking like she has the experience of a Gen X-er. I think that's mainly because her boyfriend is in college, which makes her seem older, lol. I love Hector—he's a nerdy airsoft guy that impossibly has more quirks than Elgrie! He's also just super calm; last year, me and him were the gay, gun-loving, gaming dynamic duo. I love Todd—he's the epitome of a straight Christian black teenage male, but is surprisingly tolerant. I mean, hell, he's friends with me! We spent a ton of time together sophomore year, since we were our only buddies for the entirety of 5th period. He's a funny ass guy and I love him like a brother—which means, yes, he is annoying to me sometimes (isn't everyone?). I love Cameron—he reminds me so much of Lee Everett from The Walking Dead Game series. He's probably the least guy you'd expect to listen to TikTok songs in his truck, but he looks like a badass while doing it. I want to grab some grub with him again soon. I love Kaiyla -- I don't know how she even let me become friends with her again, but enough of the guilt bullshit. I enjoy talking to Kaiyla so much, but I worry that I ramble too much. My brain is a scattered mess! I love Gired -- her and Dionne, who I also love, are like mother figures to me. They're my tennis overlords that watch over every backhand I hit. I love Luis—he's such a fuckin' bonkers guy with a gambling addiction and an insane sweet tooth that translates well to his baking. He says it'll take a while for him to say he loves me too, but I don't mind. I also genuinely enjoy doing his math work. I love a lot of other people too, but my mouth feels weird right now so I can't think super straight. I also need to love myself. I can be pretty cool sometimes!

Raindrops on roses and girls in white dresses
It's sleeping with roaches and taking best guesses
At the shade of the sheets and before all the stains
And a few more of your least favorite things