National Strategy Declared Success: Problem Now Too Complex to Measure Whitehall has announced, with the sort of quiet triumph normally reserved for royal births and England reaching a penalty shootout, that its flagship public policy strategy has been declared an unqualified success. Officials confirmed the underlying problem it was designed to fix has become so complicated that nobody can actually measure whether it has been fixed, which counts, apparently, as winning. As one Whitehall veteran put it, the country hasn't solved the problem so much as achieved a peaceful ceasefire with its own paperwork. [caption id="attachment_34862" align="alignright" width="300"] Strategy declared success. Problem too complex to measure. Intern left.[/caption] A senior source close to the strategy, who insisted on anonymity because…
Number Ten Opens Rooftop Terrace So Prime Ministers Can Fall From Greater Heights Cabinet Ministers Discover Outdoor Meetings Easier Because Nobody Can Hear the U-Turns LONDON — Downing Street has unveiled The Terrace at Number Ten, a luxurious new rooftop retreat designed to provide Britain's Prime Ministers with fresh air, panoramic views of Westminster and, according to official literature, "a significantly greater altitude from which political careers may descend." Structural engineers have confirmed the terrace can support the weight of any Prime Minister, provided their approval rating stays above single figures. [caption id="attachment_34853" align="alignright" width="300"] Number Ten Opens Rooftop Terrace So Prime Ministers Can Fall From Greater Heights[/caption] Government architects insist the project is not a vanity exercise but an…
Andy Burnham's Political Philosophy Combines Public Buses, Football, Indie Music and Mild Resentment Toward Successful Londoners England's Class System Shaken…
North Korea Congratulates Labour on Impressive Display of Administrative Efficiency Pyongyang Reportedly Sends Fruit Basket After Witnessing Britain's Most Orderly…
London's Divorced Women Now the Most Fought-Over Demographic in London, Property Agents Confirm They Saw It Coming First By our…
Ranking History's Worst State Funerals: A Field Guide to Turning Grief Into a Rally By a dairy farmer with a…
Top 10 "Tacky" Things That Definitely Happened at Khamenei's Funeral Satire inspired by recent news coverage. This is fictional comedy,…
London Dating Coach Warns Singles to Stop Treating Every First Date Like a Parliamentary Inquiry Relationship Experts Say London Singles Have Turned Romance Into a Select Committee Hearing LONDON. Britain’s dating scene has entered a strange new phase after relationship experts warned that modern Londoners are…
London Woman Discovers She Wasn’t Being Ghosted, She Was Merely Stuck in London’s Six-Month “We’ll Definitely Do Drinks” Queue LONDON — A London marketing executive has reportedly spent three months believing she was in the early stages of a promising romance before discovering she had, in…
Director Solves The Odyssey Problems by Ignoring People Who Haven’t Seen the Film Critics Furious Christopher Nolan Refuses to Rewrite Three-Hour Epic Based Entirely on Trailer Comments LONDON. Christopher Nolan has reportedly unveiled a revolutionary directing technique: waiting until audiences have actually watched the film before…
England Reach World Cup Semi-Final, Ruining a Nation’s Meticulously Scheduled Meltdown Thomas Tuchel’s side beats Norway to book a semi-final against Argentina, forcing millions of supporters to postpone despair until at least Wednesday LONDON — England’s football supporters have reacted angrily to the national team’s…
National Strategy Declared Success: Problem Now Too Complex to Measure Whitehall has announced, with the sort of quiet triumph normally reserved for royal births and England reaching a penalty shootout, that its flagship public policy strategy has been declared an unqualified success. Officials confirmed the…
London Summer School Now Mostly an Excuse for a Posh Holiday | Parents confirm the education is incidental to the experience
Number Ten Opens Rooftop Terrace So Prime Ministers Can Fall From Greater Heights Cabinet Ministers Discover Outdoor Meetings Easier Because Nobody Can Hear the U-Turns LONDON — Downing Street has unveiled The Terrace at Number Ten, a luxurious new rooftop retreat designed to provide Britain’s…
Bath’s Most Exclusive Residence Now Accepting Guests Who Can Explain Why They Came to Bath Instead of Bristol Boutique Townhouse Promises Peace, Quiet and Only Occasional Encounters With Roman History, Jane Austen and Determined Seagulls BATH — Tourism officials have announced that The Residence, Bath…
Weymouth’s Old Harbour Declared Britain’s Most Successful Outdoor Museum of People Looking for Fish and Finding Ice Cream Instead Seagulls Granted Permanent Chip Theft Licences as Council Invests £4 Million Protecting History From Looking Different WEYMOUTH — Weymouth’s picturesque Old Harbour has officially been recognised…
London Dating Now an Official Olympic Event After Locals Complete 47 First Dates Without Requiring Therapy, a Solicitor, or a Will Capital’s Singles Discover Soulmates Are Nice, But a Zone 1 Postcode Is Practically a Marriage Licence LONDON — Officials have reportedly declared modern London dating…
London’s Divorced Women Now the Most Fought-Over Demographic in London, Property Agents Confirm They Saw It Coming First By our Marriage & Mortgage Correspondent, filing from a Zone 2 coffee shop where the oat milk costs more than some people’s first weddings London’s dating market…
Andy Burnham’s Political Philosophy Combines Public Buses, Football, Indie Music and Mild Resentment Toward Successful Londoners England’s Class System Shaken After Working-Class Northerner Successfully Reads Shakespeare Historians confirmed this week that a boy from a village near Liverpool once opened a book of Shakespeare and…
Clapham Men Confirm Divorced Women Are Now Officially More Marriageable Than Women Who Simply Haven’t Got Round To It Yet By our Marriage & Mortgage Correspondent, filing from a Wetherspoons near Clapham Junction where the men are, as ever, extremely sure of themselves and extremely…
London Dating: Every First Date Is a Job Interview During a Rail Strike London — Dating experts keep warning singles not to make classic first date mistakes such as talking only about themselves, checking their phones, oversharing, or turning dinner into an interrogation. Londoners reportedly…
Christopher Marlowe Reportedly Still Ghostwriting From Undisclosed Location, Local Historian Insists Dead men tell no tales, except apparently thirty-seven plays and 154 sonnets. That’s the working theory circulating once again in academic circles this week, as devotees of the Marlovian authorship theory renew their case that…
North Korea Congratulates Labour on Impressive Display of Administrative Efficiency Pyongyang Reportedly Sends Fruit Basket After Witnessing Britain’s Most Orderly Leadership Contest LONDON, England. Officials in North Korea have reportedly sent a congratulatory telegram, a commemorative portrait frame, and a coupon for bulk applause to…
Mervyn King Asked to Teach Americans How to Panic With a British Accent As the Federal Reserve reboots itself in the style of a Silicon Valley startup, Washington insiders have confirmed that former Bank of England Governor Lord Mervyn King has been quietly approached to…
OpenAI Discovers “Do Not Sell” Is Merely a Suggestion if the Customer Has a Nice Singapore Address Silicon Valley Celebrates Historic Breakthrough in International Geography as Blacklists Become Optional Travel Advice Silicon Valley’s Historic Breakthrough in Applied Geography SAN FRANCISCO — The artificial intelligence industry is…
Andy Burnham Discovers Labour’s Time Machine Only Travels Back to Previous Mistakes Labour Leader-in-Waiting Announces Revolutionary New Policy of Being Correct Immediately After Everyone Else Manchester Man Finds Safest Address in British Politics: Yesterday MANCHESTER — Britain’s leading experts in political hindsight have awarded Andy…
Britain Solves Devolution by Creating More Governments to Explain Why Nothing Is Their Fault Nation Discovers That Dividing Responsibility Is Much Easier Than Dividing Accountability LONDON, England Britain’s great devolution experiment continues to amaze constitutional scholars, taxpayers, and anyone who’s ever tried to determine which…
Andy Burnham Apologises for Labour’s Gaza Stance — And Six Other Things He’ll Apologise For Once the Polling Comes Back Labour Introduces Revolutionary Foreign Policy That Automatically Updates After Every Opinion Poll Political Archaeologists Rejoice Westminster’s weekly wobble on wartime words continues apace this week, as Labour’s…
England Fans Declare U.S. Chants Too Positive, Recommend More Existential Despair A Formal Note on Chant Tone England supporters attending World Cup matches across the United States have submitted what several are calling “constructive feedback” regarding the tone of American stadium chants, describing them as “aggressively hopeful”…
Three Lions Supporters Explain That Real Football Requires More Complaining A Masterclass in Constructive Misery England supporters travelling for World Cup fixtures have taken it upon themselves to educate their American hosts in what they describe as “the fundamentals of proper football watching” — namely, complaining, at…
England Fans Horrified to Discover Americans Enjoy Sporting Events Enjoyment, Apparently, Is a Thing That Happens England supporters attending World Cup matches in the United States have reported a deeply unfamiliar phenomenon: watching sport and, against all odds, having a good time doing it. Multiple fans described…
British Tourists Demand Stadiums Stop Smiling and Start Looking Slightly Miserable A Formal Request for Less Joy British tourists attending World Cup matches across the United States this summer have lodged a growing number of informal complaints regarding what several described as “aggressive positivity” among American stadium…
England Fans Shocked Americans Treat Football Like a Networking Opportunity A Different Kind of Ninety Minutes Thousands of England supporters travelling to the United States for World Cup fixtures this summer have returned home with a singular, haunted observation: American fans do not simply watch…
Europe’s First Fully Digital Woman, Now Available in 27 Markets and 4,000 Pages of Regulation Welcome to eFrau.eu, the European Union’s most advanced digital woman, electronic wife, algorithmic neighbour, multilingual bureaucrat and carbon-neutral dispenser of unsolicited advice. She is efficient. She is sophisticated. She has…
Moroccans Immigrants Proudly Demonstrate Their Love of Britain by Accidentally Burning Parts of It Down France Wins the Match, London Traffic Lights Lose the War By Yasmina Khan LONDON — France defeated Morocco 2-0 in the World Cup quarterfinal on July 9, 2026, with Kylian…
Britain Announces It Remains a Global Superpower, Provided Nobody Checks the Inventory Punch-drunk diplomacy: Britain has reassured nervous allies that it remains a world-leading military power, provided everyone agrees not to count the ships, soldiers, aircraft, diplomats, factories, or ammunition. Officials insist the nation continues to…
Harry Kane’s Goal Spree Leaves Bookmakers Applying for Financial Aid England Striker Accused of Unsporting Conduct After Refusing to Miss Easy Chances LONDON. Britain’s gambling companies have filed an official complaint against Harry Kane for what they describe as “reckless profitability destruction” after the England captain’s…
