OpenAI Discovers “Do Not Sell” Is Merely a Suggestion if the Customer Has a Nice Singapore Address Silicon Valley Celebrates Historic Breakthrough in International Geography as Blacklists Become Optional Travel Advice Silicon Valley’s Historic Breakthrough in Applied Geography SAN FRANCISCO — The artificial intelligence industry is…
England Fans Shocked Americans Treat Football Like a Networking Opportunity A Different Kind of Ninety Minutes Thousands of England supporters travelling to the United States for World Cup fixtures this summer have returned home with a singular, haunted observation: American fans do not simply watch…
Harry Kane’s Goal Spree Leaves Bookmakers Applying for Financial Aid England Striker Accused of Unsporting Conduct After Refusing to Miss Easy Chances LONDON. Britain’s gambling companies have filed an official complaint against Harry Kane for what they describe as “reckless profitability destruction” after the England captain’s…
England Coach’s Leaked Dressing-Room Speech: “Send the Vikings Home Again” — Full Transcript Plus Pre-Match Analysis Miami, Saturday. Kick-off 10pm BST, Miami Stadium, a building better known for hosting Dolphins games and Formula 1 weekends than repelling Scandinavian invasions. But England’s coaching staff appear to…
Suffolk Airbase Unexpectedly Central To American Assassination Drama, Locals Baffled It is a well-established rule of British life that nothing of consequence happens in Suffolk, and yet here we are, watching RAF Mildenhall play a supporting role in what may or may not be a…
Marxists Blame Trump for USMNT Loss, Quietly Ignore Coach Who Said Otherwise America’s World Cup Exit Becomes First Soccer Match Officially Decided by Cable-News Panel Seattle, Washington — The United States men’s national team lost 4-1 to Belgium in the World Cup Round of 16,…
Norway Called Racist For Not Hiring Africans To Play World Cup Norwegian Team Are Actually Norwegians — Nation Accused of Discriminatory Practice of Fielding Its Own Citizens Hard Rock Stadium — In a diplomatic incident that has left the entire continent of Europe clutching its…
Why Horses Always Wait Until You’re Wearing White Pants Equine Behavioral Scientists Confirm What Every Rider Already Knew: Horses Have a Wardrobe Department, and It Reports Only to Spite LEXINGTON, KY — Somewhere in rural Kentucky, a horse named Biscuit watched his owner emerge from…
Taylor Swift’s Madison Square Garden Wedding Accidentally Crowned World’s First Indoor National Holiday New York Discovers There Is No Problem Too Small That Can’t Be Solved With a Billionaire and a Hockey Arena NEW YORK. Pop superstar Taylor Swift reportedly decided that a quaint little…
World Cup “Inarguably” the Worst Ever? A British Rebuttal to FIFA’s Most Commercial Tournament Yet The 2026 FIFA World Cup has been hailed by some commentators as the greatest tournament ever staged. The football has been magnificent. The goals have been outrageous. The underdogs have…
Google Says AI Users Get Promotions, Office Slack Channels Suddenly Filled With Robot Poetry | Workers scramble to demonstrate enthusiasm, mostly in haiku form
Prince Harry’s UK Visit Cancelled After Britain Accidentally Forgets Where It Put Him | Palace aides check under sofa cushions, come up empty
Cambridge UK and Cambridge USA: When Genius Needs Venture Capital CAMBRIDGE, ENGLAND. After centuries of politely pretending the other Cambridge was merely an unfortunate typo, the two famous cities have reportedly agreed that they are, in fact, the academic equivalent of an elderly professor and an…
England has won, the beer is flying, and Mexico has responded with the only sensible emergency plan available: umbrellas. In this satirical sports bulletin from The London Prat, Morag Sinclair reports on the extraordinary airborne migration of British lager following England’s latest World Cup victory.…
Harry Kane Converts National Anxiety Into Airborne Lager Harry Kane Scores Twice as England Defeat DR Congo 2-1 and Convert National Anxiety Into Airborne Lager Pints, Punditry, Pride ATLANTA — England advanced to the World Cup Round of 16 on Wednesday after Harry Kane scored…
Royal Reunion: Archie and Lilibet Harder to Schedule Than a G7 Summit LONDON — Buckingham Palace has reportedly begun planning what experts describe as the most logistically gruelling family visit since medieval kings attempted Thanksgiving with the French. Palace officials say a possible meeting between…
Netflix Quietly Admits It Has Been Running the Royal Family This Whole Time Hollywood insiders are confirming what cynics have suspected since the first “tell-all” interview aired with suspiciously good lighting: Netflix isn’t documenting the Duke and Duchess of Sussex anymore. It’s directing them. And on their…
Angelina Jolie Admits She Hasn’t Dated in a Decade: Scientists Diagnose Advanced Case of “Brad Withdrawal” HOLLYWOOD — After revealing she hasn’t dated anyone since her split from Brad Pitt nearly a decade ago, Angelina Jolie has reportedly become the world’s leading case study in…
The BBC Has Decided Trump Caused Iran to Need Nuclear Weapons and We’re All Just Living in the Chyron Now BBC Blames White Presidents Like Trump for Causing Iran to Need Nuclear Weapons LONDON — The BBC has reportedly discovered that every time oil prices fall, it…
Meghan Markle Reportedly Needs Just One Thing: A Royal Family With Selective Amnesia Experts Say Meghan’s Comeback Plan Hinges on Britain Forgetting the Last Five Years — Good Luck With That LONDON — Buckingham Palace officials are reportedly reviewing an innovative new reconciliation strategy after royal commentators…
FOXBOROUGH, MASSACHUSETTS — England’s opening match at World Cup 2026 was in Dallas, which survived. Barely. Now Massachusetts has been warned. England’s next group-stage match is against Ghana at Gillette Stadium in Foxborough on Tuesday, and Boston pub owners have reportedly begun boarding up their lager…
Tent Watch 2026: Taylor Swift’s Beach Town Wedding Rumour That Will Make Rhode Island Apply for Hazard Pay WATCH HILL, RHODE ISLAND — LONDON BUREAU — A white party tent has materialised near Taylor Swift’s seaside estate in Rhode Island, and the implications for Western…
Nebraska Man Tried to Turn a UFC Undercard Into Regime Change, Home Office Quietly Takes Notes Britain Watches an American Immigration Story and Recognises Rather More of Itself Than It Would Like LONDON — Authorities in Nebraska say a 31-year-old man named Abraham Hermosillo Alvarez allegedly tried…
Democratic Socialists: Economics Discovered, Complaint Filed BROOKLYN, New York. Democratic socialists called an emergency policy forum this week after several members accidentally bumped into basic economics and described the encounter as “violent,” “deeply problematic,” and “obviously funded by billionaires.” The crisis started when a junior…
Democratic Socialists: The App That Shares Your To-Do List MINNEAPOLIS, Minnesota. Democratic socialists unveiled a new government productivity app this week, designed to solve inequality by redistributing chores, errands, deadlines, competence, punctuality, and the burden of being the only person in the house who knows…
Democratic Socialists: Wealth By Loudly Disapproving Of It CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts. Democratic socialists unveiled a revolutionary economic doctrine this week, having concluded that producing wealth is mostly unnecessary and possibly rude, provided a society keeps a healthy supply of moral certainty, committee chairs, reusable water bottles,…
Socialist Soccer League: Every Goal Gets Redistributed PORTLAND, Oregon. Democratic socialists this week unveiled the nation’s first fully equitable Socialist Soccer League, a sporting experiment built to eliminate the oppressive inequalities caused by talent, effort, practice, competition, ambition, and keeping score accurately. Organizers call it…
Socialist Utopia: Free Everything, No One On The Night Shift CHICAGO, Illinois. Democratic socialists announced Monday that their long-awaited model society is finally complete, offering universal housing, universal healthcare, universal college, universal childcare, universal transportation, universal emotional validation, and universal confusion over who’s supposed to…
Democratic Socialists Nationalize A $14.75 Lemonade Stand MADISON, Wisconsin. Democratic socialists celebrated a major victory for economic justice this week after successfully nationalizing a neighborhood lemonade stand that had been generating what activists called deeply unequal beverage outcomes. The stand, run by nine-year-old Emma Parker,…
Democratic Socialists: Scarcity Abolished, Shelves Disagree SEATTLE, Washington. Democratic socialists celebrated a historic victory this week after formally voting to abolish scarcity during a three-day conference titled Another World Is Possible If We Stop Counting Things. Delegates approved the measure unanimously, although the attendance records…
