London Dating Coach Warns Singles to Stop Treating Every First Date Like a Parliamentary Inquiry Relationship Experts Say London Singles Have Turned Romance Into a Select Committee Hearing LONDON. Britain’s dating scene has entered a strange new phase after relationship experts warned that modern Londoners are…
London Woman Discovers She Wasn’t Being Ghosted, She Was Merely Stuck in London’s Six-Month “We’ll Definitely Do Drinks” Queue LONDON — A London marketing executive has reportedly spent three months believing she was in the early stages of a promising romance before discovering she had, in…
Number Ten Opens Rooftop Terrace So Prime Ministers Can Fall From Greater Heights Cabinet Ministers Discover Outdoor Meetings Easier Because Nobody Can Hear the U-Turns LONDON — Downing Street has unveiled The Terrace at Number Ten, a luxurious new rooftop retreat designed to provide Britain’s…
England Reach World Cup Semi-Final, Ruining a Nation’s Meticulously Scheduled Meltdown Thomas Tuchel’s side beats Norway to book a semi-final against Argentina, forcing millions of supporters to postpone despair until at least Wednesday LONDON — England’s football supporters have reacted angrily to the national team’s…
Bath’s Most Exclusive Residence Now Accepting Guests Who Can Explain Why They Came to Bath Instead of Bristol Boutique Townhouse Promises Peace, Quiet and Only Occasional Encounters With Roman History, Jane Austen and Determined Seagulls BATH — Tourism officials have announced that The Residence, Bath…
London Dating Now an Official Olympic Event After Locals Complete 47 First Dates Without Requiring Therapy, a Solicitor, or a Will Capital’s Singles Discover Soulmates Are Nice, But a Zone 1 Postcode Is Practically a Marriage Licence LONDON — Officials have reportedly declared modern London dating…
London’s Divorced Women Now the Most Fought-Over Demographic in London, Property Agents Confirm They Saw It Coming First By our Marriage & Mortgage Correspondent, filing from a Zone 2 coffee shop where the oat milk costs more than some people’s first weddings London’s dating market…
Winnie-the-Pooh Declared Too Cheerful for Wartime Britain: How A. A. Milne’s Hundred Acre Wood Accidentally Explains Our WWII Memories A.A. Milne meets WWII memories in this satirical dissection of Britain’s Blitz-era bureaucracy, starring Pooh, Eeyore, and one man in every pub who personally won the…
Clapham Men Confirm Divorced Women Are Now Officially More Marriageable Than Women Who Simply Haven’t Got Round To It Yet By our Marriage & Mortgage Correspondent, filing from a Wetherspoons near Clapham Junction where the men are, as ever, extremely sure of themselves and extremely…
London Dating: Every First Date Is a Job Interview During a Rail Strike London — Dating experts keep warning singles not to make classic first date mistakes such as talking only about themselves, checking their phones, oversharing, or turning dinner into an interrogation. Londoners reportedly…
Christopher Marlowe Reportedly Still Ghostwriting From Undisclosed Location, Local Historian Insists Dead men tell no tales, except apparently thirty-seven plays and 154 sonnets. That’s the working theory circulating once again in academic circles this week, as devotees of the Marlovian authorship theory renew their case that…
Andy Burnham Discovers Labour’s Time Machine Only Travels Back to Previous Mistakes Labour Leader-in-Waiting Announces Revolutionary New Policy of Being Correct Immediately After Everyone Else Manchester Man Finds Safest Address in British Politics: Yesterday MANCHESTER — Britain’s leading experts in political hindsight have awarded Andy…
UK Baby Names: The Chart That Broke Britain’s Brain Muhammad and Fatima Signal the END! City — Fatima has topped the list of girls’ names in the United Kingdom, and within roughly eleven minutes the nation had convened an emergency meeting of itself, mostly held…
Marxists Blame Trump for USMNT Loss, Quietly Ignore Coach Who Said Otherwise America’s World Cup Exit Becomes First Soccer Match Officially Decided by Cable-News Panel Seattle, Washington — The United States men’s national team lost 4-1 to Belgium in the World Cup Round of 16,…
London’s Most Dreamy & Innovation Engineering Where London Solves Problems by Renaming Them 1. The London Pothole Navigation App London’s first great “Innovation Engineering” triumph is an app that reroutes cyclists toward potholes with the highest historical significance. According to the Department of Asphalt Memory,…
NATO Summit: Ankara Discovers Diplomacy Works Best on Mute Ankara — The annual NATO summit opened this week with its traditional exchange of handshakes, policy binders, and nervous glances toward the nearest podium. But diplomats say this year’s gathering introduced an exciting new sport: Guess…
Norway Called Racist For Not Hiring Africans To Play World Cup Norwegian Team Are Actually Norwegians — Nation Accused of Discriminatory Practice of Fielding Its Own Citizens Hard Rock Stadium — In a diplomatic incident that has left the entire continent of Europe clutching its…
Why Horses Always Wait Until You’re Wearing White Pants Equine Behavioral Scientists Confirm What Every Rider Already Knew: Horses Have a Wardrobe Department, and It Reports Only to Spite LEXINGTON, KY — Somewhere in rural Kentucky, a horse named Biscuit watched his owner emerge from…
Prince George Completes Eton Entrance Exam in Record Time, Politely Corrects the Examiners Examiners Reportedly Award Extra Marks After Discovering the Future King Has Solved Questions That Won’t Be Invented Until 2042 WINDSOR — Prince George has reportedly passed the entrance examination for Eton College with such…
Government Announces New Tax on Icing, Calls It the Icing on the Cake Britain Solves Every National Crisis by Decorating It, While Ministers Insist Buttercream Is Now Official Economic Policy LONDON –– The Government unveiled what officials described as “Britain’s sweetest fiscal reform in generations”…
2.2 Million British Women Visit Jewellery Stores as Trend Sweeps Nation Britons Turn Divorce Rings Into National Sport, Wear Them on Middle Finger So Everyone Can Mind Their Own Business Jewellers Report Record Sales of ‘Emotionally Unavailable’ Accessories as Britain Finds Another Way to Be…
Therapists Recommend Couples Stop Calling Grocery Shopping “Quality Time” London Therapists Warn Couples: If You Need a Spreadsheet to Track Your Relationship, It’s Already Over 💂❤️ LONDON. Couples across the capital are reportedly panicking after psychologists published seven subtle relationship “red flags,” prompting thousands of Londoners…
Reporters Accidentally Capture the Most British Conversation Ever Recorded at Wimbledon LONDON — Reporters from The London Prat found themselves seated both directly in front of and behind Pippa and Carole Middleton during Wimbledon, in what tennis historians are already calling the most significant seating…
Kate Middleton Accused of Being an AI Hologram After Committing the Crime of Changing Her Trousers LONDON Discovers a New Conspiracy Theory: The Princess Has More Than One Pair of Trousers LONDON. Kate Middleton’s fans are rallying to her defense this week after a small…
Romelu Lukaku Can’t Read, But He Can Absolutely DANCE: Lukaku Skips FIFA’s Paperwork and Goes Straight to the Dance Floor Belgium Smokes the U.S. 4-1, Then Files Its Appeal in Interpretive African Dance Belgium eliminated the United States 4-1 in the World Cup Round of…
UEFA Discovers Politics Is Terrible… Right After Issuing a “Marxist” Press Release ⚽ Europe’s Football Bureaucrats Demand Games Stay Apolitical, Immediately Hold Three Emergency Political Meetings The marble corridors of UEFA echoed with self-congratulation this week after officials courageously declared that politics has absolutely no…
London Climbs Global Liveability Rankings After Residents Successfully Learn to Ignore London Study Finds Happiness Increases Dramatically Once Commuters Stop Making Eye Contact LONDON. The latest global liveability rankings have sparked scenes of restrained British celebration after Londoners discovered their city is considered surprisingly pleasant, provided…
Buckingham Palace Quietly Reminds Prince Harry It Is a Palace, Not an Airbnb 🏰 “Buckingham Palace Is Not Available on Lastminute.com,” Royal Staff Explain While Pretending This Is Entirely About Scheduling LONDON. Buckingham Palace has reportedly unveiled a revolutionary new booking policy after Prince Harry’s accommodation…
London Singles Introduce ‘Bring Your Own Meal’ Dating as Romance Officially Becomes a Luxury Tax 💷❤️ Couples Now Declare Emotional Availability Only After Checking the Tesco Clubcard App LONDON. Dating in the capital has become so expensive that Londoners now ask, “What’s your credit score?” before…
Londoners Finally Discover ‘Getting Dressed Up’ Is a Revolutionary Lifestyle Choice After years of treating hoodies as formalwear, the capital cautiously experiments with buttons, collars, and trousers that haven’t been slept in. LONDON — Fashion experts claim a quiet rebellion is spreading across the capital…
