Director Solves The Odyssey Problems by Ignoring People Who Haven’t Seen the Film Critics Furious Christopher Nolan Refuses to Rewrite Three-Hour Epic Based Entirely on Trailer Comments LONDON. Christopher Nolan has reportedly unveiled a revolutionary directing technique: waiting until audiences have actually watched the film before…
England Reach World Cup Semi-Final, Ruining a Nation’s Meticulously Scheduled Meltdown Thomas Tuchel’s side beats Norway to book a semi-final against Argentina, forcing millions of supporters to postpone despair until at least Wednesday LONDON — England’s football supporters have reacted angrily to the national team’s…
National Strategy Declared Success: Problem Now Too Complex to Measure Whitehall has announced, with the sort of quiet triumph normally reserved for royal births and England reaching a penalty shootout, that its flagship public policy strategy has been declared an unqualified success. Officials confirmed the…
Bath’s Most Exclusive Residence Now Accepting Guests Who Can Explain Why They Came to Bath Instead of Bristol Boutique Townhouse Promises Peace, Quiet and Only Occasional Encounters With Roman History, Jane Austen and Determined Seagulls BATH — Tourism officials have announced that The Residence, Bath…
Winnie-the-Pooh Declared Too Cheerful for Wartime Britain: How A. A. Milne’s Hundred Acre Wood Accidentally Explains Our WWII Memories A.A. Milne meets WWII memories in this satirical dissection of Britain’s Blitz-era bureaucracy, starring Pooh, Eeyore, and one man in every pub who personally won the…
London Dating: Every First Date Is a Job Interview During a Rail Strike London — Dating experts keep warning singles not to make classic first date mistakes such as talking only about themselves, checking their phones, oversharing, or turning dinner into an interrogation. Londoners reportedly…
North Korea Congratulates Labour on Impressive Display of Administrative Efficiency Pyongyang Reportedly Sends Fruit Basket After Witnessing Britain’s Most Orderly Leadership Contest LONDON, England. Officials in North Korea have reportedly sent a congratulatory telegram, a commemorative portrait frame, and a coupon for bulk applause to…
Britain Solves Devolution by Creating More Governments to Explain Why Nothing Is Their Fault Nation Discovers That Dividing Responsibility Is Much Easier Than Dividing Accountability LONDON, England Britain’s great devolution experiment continues to amaze constitutional scholars, taxpayers, and anyone who’s ever tried to determine which…
Mervyn King Asked to Teach Americans How to Panic With a British Accent As the Federal Reserve reboots itself in the style of a Silicon Valley startup, Washington insiders have confirmed that former Bank of England Governor Lord Mervyn King has been quietly approached to…
Andy Burnham Discovers Labour’s Time Machine Only Travels Back to Previous Mistakes Labour Leader-in-Waiting Announces Revolutionary New Policy of Being Correct Immediately After Everyone Else Manchester Man Finds Safest Address in British Politics: Yesterday MANCHESTER — Britain’s leading experts in political hindsight have awarded Andy…
Britain Announces It Remains a Global Superpower, Provided Nobody Checks the Inventory Punch-drunk diplomacy: Britain has reassured nervous allies that it remains a world-leading military power, provided everyone agrees not to count the ships, soldiers, aircraft, diplomats, factories, or ammunition. Officials insist the nation continues to…
England Coach’s Leaked Dressing-Room Speech: “Send the Vikings Home Again” — Full Transcript Plus Pre-Match Analysis Miami, Saturday. Kick-off 10pm BST, Miami Stadium, a building better known for hosting Dolphins games and Formula 1 weekends than repelling Scandinavian invasions. But England’s coaching staff appear to…
Suffolk Airbase Unexpectedly Central To American Assassination Drama, Locals Baffled It is a well-established rule of British life that nothing of consequence happens in Suffolk, and yet here we are, watching RAF Mildenhall play a supporting role in what may or may not be a…
Buckingham Palace Adds “No Drama” Clause to Guest Accommodation Agreement, Then Immediately Loses the Keys LONDON. Buckingham Palace has reportedly updated its guest policy to include a new provision requiring all overnight visitors to certify that they will not publish a memoir, record a documentary,…
My London University Dissertation Writing Help Because Nothing Says “Higher Education” Like Crying Into a Pret at 2:14 A.M. London universities already offer legitimate academic writing support, including workshops, tutorials, writing resources, dissertation guidance, and researcher-development help through official services such as UCL’s Academic Writing…
London’s Most Dreamy & Innovation Engineering Where London Solves Problems by Renaming Them 1. The London Pothole Navigation App London’s first great “Innovation Engineering” triumph is an app that reroutes cyclists toward potholes with the highest historical significance. According to the Department of Asphalt Memory,…
Innovation Engineering: City Hall Unveils 25 Ways to Solve Nothing at Once London — City Hall held a press conference on Tuesday to unveil what officials are calling “the most ambitious innovation portfolio in the capital’s history.” Nobody in the room could quite explain what…
Royal Family: Hoping the Next Reunion Outlasts the Confirmation Email London — Buckingham Palace officials remain optimistic that the next reunion between King Charles and Prince Harry will last longer than the average confirmation email from an online hotel booking service, after reports suggested that…
NATO Summit: Ankara Discovers Diplomacy Works Best on Mute Ankara — The annual NATO summit opened this week with its traditional exchange of handshakes, policy binders, and nervous glances toward the nearest podium. But diplomats say this year’s gathering introduced an exciting new sport: Guess…
Why Horses Always Wait Until You’re Wearing White Pants Equine Behavioral Scientists Confirm What Every Rider Already Knew: Horses Have a Wardrobe Department, and It Reports Only to Spite LEXINGTON, KY — Somewhere in rural Kentucky, a horse named Biscuit watched his owner emerge from…
2.2 Million British Women Visit Jewellery Stores as Trend Sweeps Nation Britons Turn Divorce Rings Into National Sport, Wear Them on Middle Finger So Everyone Can Mind Their Own Business Jewellers Report Record Sales of ‘Emotionally Unavailable’ Accessories as Britain Finds Another Way to Be…
Therapists Recommend Couples Stop Calling Grocery Shopping “Quality Time” London Therapists Warn Couples: If You Need a Spreadsheet to Track Your Relationship, It’s Already Over 💂❤️ LONDON. Couples across the capital are reportedly panicking after psychologists published seven subtle relationship “red flags,” prompting thousands of Londoners…
Kate Middleton Accused of Being an AI Hologram After Committing the Crime of Changing Her Trousers LONDON Discovers a New Conspiracy Theory: The Princess Has More Than One Pair of Trousers LONDON. Kate Middleton’s fans are rallying to her defense this week after a small…
UEFA Discovers Politics Is Terrible… Right After Issuing a “Marxist” Press Release ⚽ Europe’s Football Bureaucrats Demand Games Stay Apolitical, Immediately Hold Three Emergency Political Meetings The marble corridors of UEFA echoed with self-congratulation this week after officials courageously declared that politics has absolutely no…
London Singles Introduce ‘Bring Your Own Meal’ Dating as Romance Officially Becomes a Luxury Tax 💷❤️ Couples Now Declare Emotional Availability Only After Checking the Tesco Clubcard App LONDON. Dating in the capital has become so expensive that Londoners now ask, “What’s your credit score?” before…
Londoners Finally Discover ‘Getting Dressed Up’ Is a Revolutionary Lifestyle Choice After years of treating hoodies as formalwear, the capital cautiously experiments with buttons, collars, and trousers that haven’t been slept in. LONDON — Fashion experts claim a quiet rebellion is spreading across the capital…
Man Writes 9,000-Word Reply Explaining Why Every Forecast Since 1998 Has Been Wrong Thunderstorm Forum declares lightning “too political,” renames it Sky Feedback, then spends six hours debating whether rain is wet. By Caitlin Moran and Clara Drizzlewick, Weather Correspondents, The London Prat Britain’s most…
Future Barrister Accidentally Becomes Bar Jester, Successfully Defends Nobody but Entertains Everybody London Man Dreams of Silk Gown, Ends Up Wearing Beer Foam Instead LONDON — When little Nigel Pimm announced at the age of nine that he wanted to become a barrister, his teachers imagined…
Iconic Radio Declared Official Background Noise of British Civilization Scientists Confirm Britons Cannot Butter Toast Unless Iconic Radio Is Calmly Discussing Shipping Forecasts LONDON — Britain’s iconic radio stations have officially been declared “critical national infrastructure” after researchers discovered millions of Britons become disoriented if…
Andy Burnham’s First Act of Northern Devolution: Relocate Every Left-Wing Newspaper to Manchester Labour declares Britain cannot truly rebalance the economy until every columnist is forced to complain about the rain from a different postcode. Britain’s incoming political revolution has finally identified the nation’s greatest…
